One the most common personal problems I’ve been asked advice for in the past 10 years is some variation of “how do I get her back?” Usually this breaks down into men seeking some methodology to return his relationship to an earlier state where a previously passionate woman couldn’t keep her hands off of him. Six months into a comfortable familiarity and the thrill is gone, but in truth it’s the genuine desire that is gone.
It’s often at this stage that a man will resort to negotiation. Sometimes this can be as subtle as him progressively doing things for her in the hopes that she’ll reciprocate with the same sexual fervor they used to have. Other times a married couple may go to marriage counseling to “resolve their sex issues” and negotiate terms for her sexual compliance. He’ll promise to do the dishes and a load of laundry more often in exchange for her feigned sexual interest in him. Yet, no matter what terms are offered, no matter how great an external effort he makes so deserving of reward, the genuine desire is not there for her. In fact, she feels worse for not having the desire after such efforts were made for her compliance.
Negotiated desire only ever leads to obligated compliance.
You never get her back guys, she just "forgets" your not attractive until you make yourself non attractive again. Remember women don't "go back" to the boyfriend that "abused" her. No he "changed" this time. "This time it's different" in her mind its a whole new relationship. The only downside is she already has a huge list of history for the hamster to utilize when hypergamy hit this time and she tries to trade up.
In fact, she feels worse for not having the desire after such efforts were made
This is true and this is key! Even the woman herself, does not understand what turns her on. She could be a fat slob, partnered with the hottest stud in the world, but two years into living together in a small apartment and she'd be less interested in sex.
To renew her interest, you must delight her in unexpected ways. You must surprise her- but not with chocolates and flowers.
With dread, with a new job, with the resurgence of an old female rival. With disappearance, disinterest, public sex, confidence. Sudden windfall of money. Rough sex. Kids/pregnancy. Anything that she truly wouldn't expect from you.
This is why it's a losing battle and why you must fight below your weight class (The Philippines, Guatemala)... And have a reserve of money or time to invest and re-invest. The power differential has to resemble King Henry and a merchant's daughter, more than Nicole and OJ Simpson. Genghis Khan and a stolen 17-yr old virgin, more than JFK and Marilyn.
Near branch swinging, 2 years into a 4.5 year run....he made a good pitch, fly out to Greece to see Plato's cave, but she wasn't going to leave me just to get dumped 'n pumped....for a 10% chance of being his wife, she would have swung....the "stay with me" part was negotiated. However! I respected the bastard, so I didn't try to negotiate desire, and instead allowed her supercharged hamster to spin. I know full well the next 10 to 20 times I fucked her, he was on her mind much if not all of the time. Whatever. I was fucking a girl half my age I knew I wouldn't marry, I wanted to keep her until she got to grad school and that's exactly what I did.
Clearly, I was one hell of a bloopie at the time, and had never heard the term "attraction cannot be negotiated" but holy smokes, it is totally right. And....I am not above letting a woman's imagination run wild, as long as I get to fuck her.
If (hopefully not "when") you get to this point in a relationship, you will likely find it frustrating as hell, not just physically. You might want to think that she is just fucking stupid, that she can't see what is going on around her. Because you have been thinking "I am doing this for her, why can't she do that for me?"
This is not covert contracts, this is "to love and to cherish."
The problem with this (besides the fact that vows mean nothing to women), is that women don't think, they feel. Get that through your head right now.
However, the principle of the impossibility of negotiated desire has another side, and when you get there you will find it fucking liberating:
You don't do things FOR women; you do things TO women.
No gifts, no chores, no acts of kindness, nothing that you don't want to do. I'm not exaggerating.
I've said this before: "Relationships are hard work" is some Blue Pill bullshit; you don't work on the relationship, you work on yourself. She follows.
One of the most important articles I ever read. Really opened my eyes at a time when I needed it.
My situation was so pathetic it wasn't even in the context of lost passion in a relationship- I was in the friendzone. It didn't matter how many cool bands I liked, how well my personality matched hers, how well I could relate to her, how many times I had gone to pick her up, how many times I was a reliable shoulder to cry on, how many deep conversations we had, or how much time I spent on her.
DESIRE. CANNOT. BE. NEGOTIATED.
Genuine sexual enthusiasm and availability is now my first and most important metric in how I interact with chicks, judge my relationships, and how I screen women for varying levels of commitment.
Recently that same chick who I spent over a year in the friendzone with texted me and told me I'm the perfect guy and how much she regrets not giving "us" a chance- while with her current boyfriend. I didn't respond. This girl I used to worship, who I would've ruined my life to be with- has gained weight and smokes. Meanwhile I'm busy fucking girls who can't yet legally drink.
The blindspot for most of those men is that they essentially negotiated their way into that relationship and when faced with adversity, they'll double down on what worked previously. But by worked, I don't mean their women found them more irresistibly attractive on a fundamental level, rather it enabled the typical relationship to progress step-by-step into marriage which, other than children, is an endpoint that can go no further, until it can provide no further BB reward for the woman. Any dread on leaving has long been removed by the courts as well.
The bunny at the end of the trap is fat, full and bored, the trap mechanism has been legally thrown out; more lettuce as bait ain't gonna make her nibble your carrot when she can get half your stockpile of cabbage hopping out.
[deleted]
redpillschool Admin 7y ago
TunedtoPerfection 7y ago
The question should never be:
"What should I DO to get her BACK?"
The question ahould be:
"What needs to change to attract women again?"
You never get her back guys, she just "forgets" your not attractive until you make yourself non attractive again. Remember women don't "go back" to the boyfriend that "abused" her. No he "changed" this time. "This time it's different" in her mind its a whole new relationship. The only downside is she already has a huge list of history for the hamster to utilize when hypergamy hit this time and she tries to trade up.
sd4c 7y ago
This is true and this is key! Even the woman herself, does not understand what turns her on. She could be a fat slob, partnered with the hottest stud in the world, but two years into living together in a small apartment and she'd be less interested in sex.
To renew her interest, you must delight her in unexpected ways. You must surprise her- but not with chocolates and flowers.
With dread, with a new job, with the resurgence of an old female rival. With disappearance, disinterest, public sex, confidence. Sudden windfall of money. Rough sex. Kids/pregnancy. Anything that she truly wouldn't expect from you.
This is why it's a losing battle and why you must fight below your weight class (The Philippines, Guatemala)... And have a reserve of money or time to invest and re-invest. The power differential has to resemble King Henry and a merchant's daughter, more than Nicole and OJ Simpson. Genghis Khan and a stolen 17-yr old virgin, more than JFK and Marilyn.
Thoughts?
[deleted] 7y ago
Near branch swinging, 2 years into a 4.5 year run....he made a good pitch, fly out to Greece to see Plato's cave, but she wasn't going to leave me just to get dumped 'n pumped....for a 10% chance of being his wife, she would have swung....the "stay with me" part was negotiated. However! I respected the bastard, so I didn't try to negotiate desire, and instead allowed her supercharged hamster to spin. I know full well the next 10 to 20 times I fucked her, he was on her mind much if not all of the time. Whatever. I was fucking a girl half my age I knew I wouldn't marry, I wanted to keep her until she got to grad school and that's exactly what I did.
Clearly, I was one hell of a bloopie at the time, and had never heard the term "attraction cannot be negotiated" but holy smokes, it is totally right. And....I am not above letting a woman's imagination run wild, as long as I get to fuck her.
whatsthisgarg 7y ago
If (hopefully not "when") you get to this point in a relationship, you will likely find it frustrating as hell, not just physically. You might want to think that she is just fucking stupid, that she can't see what is going on around her. Because you have been thinking "I am doing this for her, why can't she do that for me?"
This is not covert contracts, this is "to love and to cherish."
The problem with this (besides the fact that vows mean nothing to women), is that women don't think, they feel. Get that through your head right now.
However, the principle of the impossibility of negotiated desire has another side, and when you get there you will find it fucking liberating:
You don't do things FOR women; you do things TO women.
No gifts, no chores, no acts of kindness, nothing that you don't want to do. I'm not exaggerating.
I've said this before: "Relationships are hard work" is some Blue Pill bullshit; you don't work on the relationship, you work on yourself. She follows.
desno 7y ago
top notch post dude. Seems like the active effort to prevent the degredation of content is working
chazthundergut 7y ago
One of the most important articles I ever read. Really opened my eyes at a time when I needed it.
My situation was so pathetic it wasn't even in the context of lost passion in a relationship- I was in the friendzone. It didn't matter how many cool bands I liked, how well my personality matched hers, how well I could relate to her, how many times I had gone to pick her up, how many times I was a reliable shoulder to cry on, how many deep conversations we had, or how much time I spent on her.
DESIRE. CANNOT. BE. NEGOTIATED.
Genuine sexual enthusiasm and availability is now my first and most important metric in how I interact with chicks, judge my relationships, and how I screen women for varying levels of commitment.
Recently that same chick who I spent over a year in the friendzone with texted me and told me I'm the perfect guy and how much she regrets not giving "us" a chance- while with her current boyfriend. I didn't respond. This girl I used to worship, who I would've ruined my life to be with- has gained weight and smokes. Meanwhile I'm busy fucking girls who can't yet legally drink.
Life is a fucking trip.
[deleted]
2comment 7y ago
That's 99% of DeadBedrooms in a single sentence.
The blindspot for most of those men is that they essentially negotiated their way into that relationship and when faced with adversity, they'll double down on what worked previously. But by worked, I don't mean their women found them more irresistibly attractive on a fundamental level, rather it enabled the typical relationship to progress step-by-step into marriage which, other than children, is an endpoint that can go no further, until it can provide no further BB reward for the woman. Any dread on leaving has long been removed by the courts as well.
The bunny at the end of the trap is fat, full and bored, the trap mechanism has been legally thrown out; more lettuce as bait ain't gonna make her nibble your carrot when she can get half your stockpile of cabbage hopping out.
[deleted] 7y ago
how to be desirable:
sd4c 7y ago
Be evil. Women respect cruelty and power, when combined with remorselessness.
Most men are good. There are a few bad apples.
Most women are evil. There are a few nice, sweethearts.
Clue: all of them are either virgins, or going on penis number 1 of 1. Afterwards, the demon comes out and she never goes back to sweet again.
[deleted] 7y ago
It’s you’re fault you’re single.
[deleted]
jjezzza 7y ago
First two rules of being desirable:
Rule 1. Be desirable
Rule 2. Don’t be undesirable
[deleted]