I went into the city to meet up with my buddy and his girlfriend to go bar hopping. I got to the bar at around 10ish and it was sort of dead. A lot of women standing around kinda bored though.
I accomplished something massive for me and that’s approaching girls in bars for the first time. I sort of have done it in the past but it was half assed. I saw a girl make eye contact with me then quickly look away as she was signing her check. I figured I needed to go approach her because I wanted to finally face my fears. I went up and awkwardly said “hi” and offered to buy her a drink but she smiled and said she was leaving. Afterward, I saw two older chicks in the back at a table just standing and I walked on over and said what they were up to. The didn’t seem to enthusiastic so I left. Went to the next bar and I walked around for a bit. Saw a girl at the bar standing alone ordering something and I went up to her and asked her name. She told me “Medusa” and I went “no shit?” But I wasn’t too interested, just wanted to keep the ball rolling because I felt GREAT. Not because I was getting rejected, but I went where I wanted and DID what I wanted.
Anyways, my buddy texts me that he was at the bar I was at originally so I went back and as soon as I entered the door, a girl notices my shirt which was a black college university t shirt. One of the girls immediately comes up and asks me about the school and all that jazz. I offer to buy her drinks and I put my arm around her and we get to the bar. We drink a little bit and I see my buddy across the bar with his girlfriend and we point at each other like “there he is!”.
The girl was laughing and all but I FUCKED it up because I was drunk and still living off the ego-trip. She finished her drink and said she was going to go back to her friends because I told her I had to meet my friend (drunk, again.) and just as she was leaving I tapped her shoulder, slammed my beer and tried to kiss her. She gave me the cheek. Forgot to mention we exchanged snaps and she unadded me after that. I even made another awful mistake of apologizing about it over text. Do I care? Not as much as I thought I would because I wanted to fuck up as much as I could and learn what works and what doesn’t. Yes, I should have waited for “kiss me” eyes but what the hell. I was in a great mood anyway, I didn’t care at all tbh. Rest of the night, I went over to my friend and his gf and we all laughed about it. I talked to other people at the bar and greeted some who had cool band t shirts. It was amazing! I finally felt like I wasn’t the biggest loser in the room! I still have self-esteem issues dating back to childhood but it felt really good to prove to myself that I can face my fears. Sure, I cold approached in the daytime, but night-game is much much MUCH scarier in my opinion because the 4s you see in the day become 7s at night with all the make-up and dresses they have on. Not to mention the abundance of other high SMV chads who are on the same mission you’re on. It’s chaos. But to those who are terrified of approaching women at bars or nightclubs, I have to tell you that the adrenaline rush you get from conquering your fear is like drugs and it made my night better. She’s just a girl, she’s not Godzilla.
With that out of the way, I wanted to ask how to actually approach girls in the bar. I literally went up and said “hi” but I didn’t smile or anything MOSTLY because I was terrified but wanted to face my fear anyway regardless if the girl liked me. All of them looked a little awkward and said “hi?” Back. Pretty retarded, I already know. Kind of bummed out that it wasn’t enough for girls to like me but I think it’s because my approach was soo dick. Next time, I’ll try to smile and be happy and all but idk.
Thanks guys.
Problematic_Browser 1 2mo ago
First mistake - you led with your wallet. That's just going to get you set up as a paypig.
Why do you think you got the cheek when you went to kiss her? Because she wasn't interested in you, but you offered her a free drink. Notice that the drink didn't make her more interested in you?
But to answer your question:
You don't.
The best results come from when women make themselves available to you, rather than you chasing them down like a dog in heat. When a man, any man no matter how attractive, approaches a woman in that environment it is assumed that he wants sex. That assumption puts women into a mindset of "what can I get from this man?" depending on her attraction to you.
If, instead, you make yourself valuable the women will make themselves available to you and will not see you as a resource to be extracted but a prize to be obtained. You do this by (in order):
Ignore women. They aren't important. They aren't even in your top 5 (and if you don't have 5 things you'd rather do than women you are living an empty life. Fix it.) Women are a distraction, treat them as such
Max out your stats - you need to get your muscles in order. You need to learn to wear clothes that accentuate your strengths. Get a grasp of the local language and learn how to speak with command and confidence. Walk with purpose and posture. You need to understand how to smell good. Fucking moisturize your skin damn it.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2mo ago
Yeah again like I've been saying you lack social callibration (particularly reading the room, basic social engagement). And again, this is not going to improve for you until you get those down. Make male (and female) friends first, and get a lot of hangout exp with them.
Cool. Be better if you came in with the skill set that was recommended a while ago though.
Fertile ground for making a woman's night
There you go. Post answers itself
Why? Did she earn it? Beta tell. Can work in your favor if you have a "drinks are fun I'm drinking tonight and want other people to have a good time attitude" otherwise it's immediate investment. You think they're fucking the dude that buys them drinks right away? No. They're getting inebriated for free from the first 2-3 guys trying that and then some Chad walks up later when they're already buzzed and socially lubricated and their inhibitions are already down and they're flirty and warm.
Can work if you're already deep in convo and the drink becomes a nice little break in the set and she's already invested in the outcomes. Otherwise it's a beta tell.
Happens even to me. And I have mad social proof, preselection, and obviously fun. Not always you, just move on to the next women can be retarded.
Terrible opener. So many girls give fake names for this reason. Either introduce yourself with something forward (thought you were cute my name is xyz if you really just want low effort polarizing newbie exp) or say something rich and interesting.
Her name was Medusa ffs, no turn to stone joke came to mind immediately??
Yeah okay so this is what you want. IOI that shit isn't random at all. But again? The drink? She earn it? And what's with the immediate arm kino. Easy way to kill a set if you boil the frog too fast (this is a callibration problem for sure)
There you go. Don't get drunk, should be obvious. Game requires social accumen. Drunk destroys that.
Not attractive, no callibration
Why would she want the snap? Need callibration, that was an easy set.
Your approach was admittedly very weak. But you have the wrong idea about game completely
You should seriously work on your social skills. The right approach is to have a fun, confident, relaxed vibe. Not to be a happy smiley, eager clown.
Your actual words don't matter. The vibe and tonality and body language matters. You have the wrong idea about this whole thing. Further, it's not your opener that is the whole problem. Yes, a bad opener is going to start your set under water, but you have notable callibration issues.
Even if your opener is okay, or even good, you are a loose cannon shooting his wad without aim right after the opener. You seriously lack the appropriate callibration to be doing this
Your learning curve is going to be extraordinarily steep and you will never truly learn what works and what doesn't and why until you have that social foundation.
At this rate, without fixing your underlying problems, you will at best be getting a B.F. Skinner type operant conditioning learning curve where you kind of learn what rewards you and what punishes you but you will never actually be able to integrate them to a larger picture. I'm not saying this to be critical I'm saying it because it's a repeat theme and standard advice isn't going to solve your problem.
Testme 2mo ago
Do not come here unless you have actually read RP materials like the sidebar. Your long list of beta behaviors makes it obvious you have zero idea what you are doing and have not even bothered to read any books on RP.
I am not even going to critique this bullshit because I have zero respect for guys that don't bother to put in study effort.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2mo ago
OP definitely has problems that exist before he even walks up to a girl or lays eyes on her.
No amount of approaching is going to fix his inner game problems. His approaches are doomed before he even starts because of his mentality and lack of game material integration
First-light 2mo ago
Full marks for courage in approaching girls but it does sound like a bit of a rampage that may have ended with a lot more negative impressions being created than positive ones.
I would be careful about touching or kissing any female unless you are pretty darn sure she wants you to or you may at best be a creep and at worst be a nuisance that needs ejecting by a white knight.
Learning not to be scared of girls is great but now learn to talk to them. Just talk to women not chat them up, learn how to hold a conversation that makes the other person happy.
I feel a bit like you are approaching women as a puzzle where you have to push buttons in the right sequence and you will get them to put out. In the end you have to connect with her and the only way you can work out how to do that is to pay attention to what she is telling you in what she says, how she talks and how she moves.
I think its going to take a lot of work but be worth it. Never mind about banging women, just learning how to calibrate social situations will be a big bonus. Remember they have to benefit from the exchange. A drink is not worth it if they have to get a "creep" off them.
User4566 2mo ago
I get that, I was mainly approaching just to get my approach anxiety out of the way. Do you have any conversation starters?
First-light 2mo ago
If the anxiety is killed its great. When it comes to conversation starters, its how you say it and that it is appropriate to her and the conversation that matter most.
Listen to a real Chad in action chatting up a girl or girls. He doesn't say smooth things most of the time. Its all actually ordinary talk. He just says things smoothly, picking up on the girls and entertaining them. I remember doing this in the past and remembering some of the Chad lines, then days later saying those things the girls laughed so hard at when Chad said them in my conversations with other girls and getting blank, lukewarm or negative responses. This was because the line was the same but the context had changed. This was a not so cool guy, saying it to other girls, it wasn't smoothly fitting into the conversation, I was trying to fit it in.
Real players like playing, lose or win. They like chatting up women and entertaining them. Women like the way they are at ease and relax.
Women really can't think sexy until they are relaxed. So just practise talking to them at first. Talk to any woman with no agenda old young, fat thin, hot ugly. The ones who might be interested in more will probably let you know but you just talk to gain practise. Be friendly and positive. Leave them feeling confirmed and validated as charming women by a charming man. Talk to checkout girls, girls on the bus, girls in queues next to you and so on.
If you are not sure what to say start with look at the environment you are in. Its a cold bus queue, so say something really ordinary like "its cold today isn't it. I wish it was summer" Then go with her response. She might say "oh yeah I wish it was summer" then you could try telling her what you like doing in the summer or asking her what she would like doing in the summer, or prefer to be. "She might say "I am ok I have a warm coat" then you can compliment her on her coat. She might say "its my favourite season" then you can say "Oh why is that? Most people I know prefer summer". These things sound incredibly mundane but if delivered happy, positive and not pushy, just enjoying that moment with her with no agenda, no feeling of interview or pressure sales, she will open up and a conversation will start. Women love validation. If you enjoy her and you are confident and high value, you can be almost certain she will enjoy you, whether or not she wants you to bang her (and why would she be thinking of that when meeting a stranger?, when you cease to be a stranger, then she might consider it).
When you are smoother and more practised you can occasionally try a blatant chat up line but then you have to be smooth enough to carry it off. Once you have delivered the killer big line, you have an expectant audience, waiting to be impressed. It would be easier to impress her first with a happy small talk conversation and close with a chat up line. If you are getting along fine you can always end with "I have to head off soon to do ... but I am really glad I met you/ I have really enjoyed talking to you. Could I have your number?/ would you like to meet again?/ do you fancy doing this again next week?/ whatever other invitation seems fitting " She needs to have clearly enjoyed the conversation too but if she has and she is free, she has no boyfriend, and you don't look like a thirsty freak why would she not want some more of you at this point?
Gilles 2mo ago
Dude you're way too invested in everything. It comes off as desperation. I know it's frightening to do this when you start out. But you should enjoy yourself primarily! This sounds almost like a chore and women pick up on that. It's not important whether you get the girl or not, the important thing is that you are enjoying yourself. This is critical for women. If they can sense that you are not relaxed, then it puts them on guard. Don't worry too much about the mistakes you do, it doesn't matter in the long run. You give yourself a lot of shit, stop that. Be proud that you are actually getting out there in the real world where game isn't perfect.
User4566 2mo ago
Yes, that’s what I did afterward. But cold approaching girls that in that environment is terrifying to me because I have a low self esteem and I feel like they’ll hate me right off the bat. I wanted to fight that, and just go and do it.
Yes, I know. I had ZERO intentions of banging these chicks. I just wanted to face my fears so when it comes time to actually approach, I’ll be more comfortable and have experience. Most guys DON’T approach at all because of this fear. I actually feel much more confident now that I did.
I’m giving myself shit because I suck at this. Others here say I’m not good enough to be doing this.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2mo ago
You're trying to swim a lap race before you learn how to tread water. That's all we are saying. You're jumping into the pool without being able to swim. Your approaches are the equivalent of getting in the pool (which is good) but you're skipping straight to trying to lap race the deep end before you can reliably swim. Stop twisting our feedback
Edit: we have also told you bad inner game is a recipe for disaster. Why do you keep ignoring our actual recommendations for solutions. You are a tall, jacked dude. This should be easy cakewalk. I gaurantee if you actually took our advice, you would fix your inner game and do well
Not sure why you keep resisting the actual solutions to your problem. Woe is me is not a solution. What tangible progress are you making towards your friends and inner game (and don't tell me it's approaching chicks because your other problems start before you even do an approach)
User4566 2mo ago
Maybe I didn’t clarify, but I went up and approached random chicks just for the sake of it. I completely get that I need to work on my social skills which is why I’m trying to go out and socialize. Made a few friends back at home, so I’m doing ok so far. I just clicked with them.
I’m working towards this as we speak, I have a therapist that I talk to every week about building self esteem and letting go of personal trauma. Today, I even joined a club at school. Went up and chatted with the people and made them laugh. I even approached and intentionally sat next to a girl for the first time (something few guys do here, they act like people are the plague). She wasn’t very talkative when I asked her about the last test, but the girl next to her was and was giggly when I teased her about math. Maybe she’ll like it if I sit next to her more often, if not then I’ll feel much more comfortable finding another chick in class until then.
Verm, I appreciate you and everyone on here a lot. I know it looks like I’m ignoring you but I simply haven’t found people I want to be friends with yet. Some are easy to talk to, others I kind of get stand offish vibes. Which is why I’m simply going out and trying.
I also feel like my inner game won’t be good until I start fucking a lot of women and make good friends. I already made some back home, but I’m still trying here. My dildo roommates have girlfriends now and I kind of hate myself that I don’t. I hate myself that I don’t get with women.