I feel lost and like I am nobody currently. Now and again I feel this surge of confidence and sense of vigour come through me which reminds me of who I am, but it doesn't last, and it doesn't happen as often as I'd like. Also, I'm not blaming this entirely on the ending of the relationship - mainly it's on me I feel, but it ended badly enough to affect me.
This is the situation as it stands anyway: I no longer have the confidence to talk to new women and open up plates. There's a couple of reasons for this, 1. I've begun to feel like I'm not good looking, or maybe not as good looking as I thought I was for years. 2. I feel like I'm not as fun, funny or confident as I should be and it's making me self-conscious around everyone, especially girls - putting a lot of pressure on myself. 3. All of this worry is killing my libido and drive, making me not even want to bother trying to fail. I've actually become a little afraid of failing.
Since the break up, there have been girls I've spoken to and two that I've hooked up with. One I'm still speaking to, and the other who rarely talks anymore, but even the one I'm still speaking to is starting to gradually drop off in interest and I'm acutely aware of this. And because of my lack of confidence and inability to approach girls online or offline, I can feel this lack of abundance and neediness within me rising. On top of that, I recently rejoined some dating apps after a long stint away, and I've been matching with nothing but uglies and fatties, which has also added to my self-esteem issues. I used to have loads of success on dating apps, so either they've changed, or I've changed and my natural tendency is to look inward when there's a problem.
It's bad, bros. Compare all of this right now with how I was for years and years (I'm recently 34, been gaming girls since I was 15 - Red Pilled from about 24): I've slept with over 100 women. The majority of them being cute/hot. I've been in several long-term relationships, loads of experience picking up girls online and offline. On the flipside of that, I've experienced a lot of rejection as well - it's a numbers game after all, but it stopped bothering me after I hit my 20s. I'd never my game was perfect, but I definitely had a roguish charm and a great sense of humour, coupled with a boldness which seemed to work perfectly for me.
All of that feels like it's GONE, and that I'm just trying to recapture who I was to no avail. It's depressing me and I feel hopeless. Ironically, I believe that I've actually THOUGHT myself into this complex that I'm now burdened with, and I don't know how to escape it. The lack of libido that accompanies this doesn't help either. I know a lot of you will suggest seeing a doctor to get my T-levels checked, but I've already done this. T-levels are fine. Libido is not 100% gone. I still get horny, wake up with hard-ons, etc. But my negative, self-doubting thought processes are what is killing it and my confidence in general.
Can anyone relate to, or understand what is going on? I should have mentioned that my SMV is not as high as I'd like it to be lately either. Also, I have been diagnosed with OCD within the last couple of years, which as some of you will know is known as the 'doubting disease'. In terms of the breakup affecting me: she basically spoke to me like I was a pile of shit in the end. Gaslighted me. Tried to make me out as though I was a horrible human being, stupid, and a list of other things. And now she's dating someone who was our neighbour - a 20 year old emo boy. So all of this just dragged me through the mud for a couple of months, and fucked with my head a bit. I guess if I was to sum this entire post up though: I don't believe in myself anymore.
Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to help me out.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Respect yourself. Invest in yourself. Nobody else will and women will only want you for the value you have after investing in yourself.
MidgetSpinner 2y ago
Yeah, I understand. They're waiting at the finish line, etc etc. Not trying to downplay your advice, it's great and simple advice. I've got good RP awareness already, internally I've become a needy insecure mess though. The advice I'm asking for is on how to kill the pussy that's living in me, and grow some balls again to put it bluntly.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Just do things for yourself. That's what builds confidence. Start with one of your fears and overcome it. Then do another. I have a fear of heights so doing things to overcome that build my confidence.
qfqads 2y ago
the first thing you must do is build a false sense of superiority (for example when you ask for advice but claim "no autists")
the second thing, is to insult as many people as you can, as often as you can (for example when you ask for advice but claim "no autists")
MidgetSpinner 2y ago
It has nothing to do with superiority, when I'm clearly stating how I feel inferior in this post. Also, I'm not referring to literal autistic people, I'm referring to the dweebs who don't know what they're talking about and who add nothing to the discussion.
You've commented on both of my posts now with nothing to add, making you exactly the kind of dweeb I'm referring to when I say "no autists". My brother is actually autistic, and would probably add way more to these convos than you have so far. Don't be a snowflake.
[deleted] 2y ago
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MidgetSpinner 2y ago
Didn't realise he was a troll. I thought he was the local Karen around here. Will ignore.
[deleted] 2y ago
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crimsonchin03 2y ago
Since everyone is giving you pretty cliche advice I know what you need:
For one you need monk mode. You need to meditate daily, diet 100%, work out 100%, socialize 100%, work on career 100%. After a few months of giving honest effort, you will reach a zen and rewire your brain. Your problems are clearly mental at this point. You need to redesign yourself, rebuild yourself, to the best version of yourself.
Since you will be socializing you will notice you are being treated "High value" again, and you will internalize this in your self-esteem, which will be reflected to dating prospects because youre living the truth and not faking it in front of them.
Cheers
MidgetSpinner 2y ago
I'm pretty much already in monk mode, and have been for a while. At this point though it's more detrimental than anything else, as you can probably tell from the above post because isolation and avoidance of communicating the way I normally would has degraded my game and my confidence with women. If I was to give myself advice: I should be pushing past all of that and putting myself out there again to relearn this shit. Get over my fear of rejection again.
But your meditation, working out, socialising and career suggestions are really on point. This is stuff I know and am aware of as well actually, but I've just been procrastinating on getting around to any of them. Diet is fine though, but I'm glad you brought the rest up. I will finally get on top of this shit - it has to be done.
I won't immediately be treated as "high value" because right now I've reverted back to being a bit of a sperg, and due to isolating myself from almost literally everyone, I'm seriously lacking any form of abundance too. It's pretty fucking dire for me right now, but your advice is solid and the truth. I can see that. Appreciate it, mate. Cheers.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 2y ago
You're all over the place on this.
Look, it looks like you has some exposure to a girl who's pretty nasty, not unusual, there's a lot of girls who will go nuclear when they don't get what they want. You are taking it too personal though.
You've had a lot of success with women, so that's not really a problem. But it's kind of like you are saying you have had all these girls but also can't approach them online or irl. That's confusing, are you being honest with yourself?
OLD is rough man , especially for younger guys. The older you get, 40 and above it's still rough, but you aren't dealing with girls in their 20's, those are the worst group.
You mention your smv is not that great right now. Sounds like you've been slacking from the gym? Well, I'd say make sure your diet is good and hit the gym hard, the gym is a good thing for this.
what are your goals in life? you focusing on that?
what are you goals with women? you want a LTR , you are 34, what girls are you going after.
MidgetSpinner 2y ago
I'm all over the place in general at the moment. Yeah, my ex is a bit of a narcissist, although she liked to claim she was some magical "empath" all the time, despite rarely ever showing empathy for anyone. She absolutely loved calling everyone else narcissists though. That was one of her favourite things to do.
But that's besides the point - I've encountered girls like this before, BPD girls, etc. So I should know better by now. Of course I was gonna take it personally though, whether I wanted to or not, because I fell for the girl and invested in her unfortunately. I duped myself. Do I give a fuck about her now? Not at all. The post is in regards to the mess that was created in hindsight, so I'm forward focused now.
That is what I'm saying, dude. It's like a lifetime of experience and knowledge and skill and confidence has been stripped away by self-doubt, and self-loathing. It almost feels sometimes like I've forgotten how to game women. I have no reason to lie. I'm genuinely trying to get the best advice for my predicament. I think it's an element of my OCD, and I don't really wanna associate with that or use it as some excuse, but it is an element.
My ex was in her 20s. I tend to gravitate to girls that are younger than me anyway. I have been avoiding lifting, definitely. Diet is decent though, I'm just not being as active as I normally would be.
My goals have been a bit backwards. I was focused on getting girls for a little while after the breakup, but that's changing now as the focus is back on me. I want to get my own place (currently living with brothers), get back into music and create a larger social circle again, and connections. But the goals aren't fully fleshed out yet. Loads of other little goals too.
My goals with women? Well, one day I'd like to settle down and have some kids, and I've tried a couple of times but I'm still not ready for that realistically. So for now, I just want to learn from all of this, get good with women again but not make these same mistakes again. I wanna have fun for now, while I develop my life and career.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 2y ago
sounds like you are putting it back together, good.
hit the gym again, it's good for mental health and of course smv
focus more on your goals (not women), take a break from girls, go have some fun with your social circle,et
when you go back to girls, try girls a bit older, near your age. They will probably be less crazy (no guarantee on that). If you do go for the younger ones again, watch for the BPD/narcissism., step away from those quick, bad for your health as you've seen.
good luck man
throwthatspiral 2y ago
Thank me later.
https://youtu.be/M0ctRMR8qXM
MidgetSpinner 2y ago
Thanks, Julien