I don't know if this is the right sub, but after several months of swallowing TRP, I suddenly realize that my mother is the an exact cut out of the type of woman TRP despises: manipulative, shit tests constantly, AF/BB, etc.
This has flipped my childhood onto it's head, looking back and realizing all the emotional abuse and manipulation that she put me, my brother, my dad, step-dad and any other guy in her life through. I don't know if I want to be associated with her. Her behavior is outrageous and emotionally unhealthy. I remember when I was younger (maybe 10th grade) being shit-tested (wasn't aware at the time) by my then gf, my mom told me the next time she [shit test] me to slap the back of her head (NCIS style) and tell her to stop (of course I didn't do that), that is the kind of stuff she taught me.
I love my mom, but she is the kind of woman TRP preaches to avoid, this is where I start to get conflicting signals. What do I do?
Edit: fwiw, I am living on my own and do not depend on her, i only bring this up now because of a recent conversation where she shit-tested me (you don't talk or call me, you must not love me), and it really puts a stain on our relationship. I'm assuming it's because she is having a hard time being single and need constant validation. It's a very different situation to "not put up with that behavior" with my mom vs. any other female because I will still have to maintain a relationship with my mom.
Edit 2: from the responses, I guess a better question would be; how do I deal with shit tests from a relative?
stickfiguresk 10y ago
Your mother's the one woman that will ever love you. Stop talking about her like shes your girlfriend, Jesus.
She has your best interests at heart, but obviously, never take dating advice from a woman... including your mother, though hers is probably better than the crap you'll find on other subs here.
Yelvy 10y ago
This is bollocks, there is a large percentage of women who really don't give a shit beyond the superficial, to them you are just another handbag to show off. They do tend towards narcissism (or similar behavioral disroders).
OP should re examine his past experiences with said mother, and decide on a rational basis whether he should pursue a close or distant relationship, or if he should go NC (no contact)
For more help on understanding these people (and yourself), head over to /r/raisedbynarcissists.
OP should play it cool though if mum should play the you don't talk or call me, you must not love me card, take a look at the number of times she has called you and you have called her, and the same with visiting. I bet he calls and visits more often, in that case he should turn this Shit-Test around and repeat it back to her.
jakethesnake76 10y ago
Actually she does not , mothers look at sons as a (source) to tap into and always try to separate them from their own fathers.Women feel entitled with sons , this is why you get the inevitable i brought you into this world you owe me from them, All this is fine just as long as you don't feel obligated which is what they want until you break out from that you will be looked at as a white-knight to use a a resource..Women look at their sons a a resource, and that they are owed something you can't fall into that frame . Even Jesus put his own mother at arms link when she came demanding some attention and he said who is my mother and brothers and pointed to the crowd ..
bobbybluepill 10y ago
Exactly. Since swallowing the pill, I've become insanely aware of exactly how much my own mother tests my father. In fact, her casual stories, etc. are attempts to validate her actions, using me. I won't play into it anymore. When she shit tests him in front of me or tells me about "what your father did earlier this week" I'll disengage from the conversation and immediately change the subject as soon as she's done making her point. My father has always had my back. Now that I see what's going on, I'm trying to show him the respect he deserves.
Having said that, my mother is the only woman who will ever love me and I know it. She's been a great mother and I pay her the respect she deserves as well. I listen to her stories. I'm actively trying to support her in anything (not at the expense of my father) I can because she would do so for me. If she goes out of her way for me, I'll buy her flowers, food, etc. She is the only woman in my life who will ever have my full love and protection.
Keep in mind that your mother is not a bad person for what she's done. AWALT. 50,000 years of evolution have programmed her to subconsciously test the men in her life to assure they are capable of protecting her. It's not her fault. Love your mother unless she has shown you that she does not love you.
GreatWalker 10y ago
Her, and protecting her children
TheOneTrueMagnet 10y ago
Best possible answer. My only small addendum would be that you might want to insert space if she is super toxic. Like criminal toxic.
♂
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lonGterMgoalS 10y ago
I disagree. Some women are so fucked up they don't know the first damn thing about love.
Not if she has her best interests at heart first.
Down vote away but this isn't true. She put herself before her kid. She married, got divorced, married again and sounds like hopped on the cock carousel in front of this guy since he was a kid. That is the complete opposite of having his best interests at heart.
Sorry but we can't say some women are shit exes and use the kids during a divorce then go on to claim these same shit women love their kids and have their best interests at heart. Doesn't even make sense.
Edit to address your edits:
You know what's fucked up? If a good mother doesn't hear from her kid for a while and she calls, she should be worried. Wondering if you're ok. Not calling with some guilt shit about you not loving her. If you feel guilt it should be because you made her worry for no reason.
You'll never pass a shit test with a narcissistic mother. Just learn to not take what she says personally.
LS_D 10y ago
damn bro you give some great replies ... here ♂
AFPJ 10y ago
Accept it. Be thankful that this has been engraved into you with the weight of pain. It'll give you the motivation to become & remain a strong man with an iron fist. You've seen how a woman becomes twisted without the strict rule and guidance of a man. You know first hand the fate your children will face if you fuck up and become complacent, get betafied or show weakness. Form a family without marriage, lead it & don't repeat your father's mistakes.
squirrelcuisine 10y ago
SO after 39 years on this planet I went to go see a therapist. He was a licensed social worker.
Let me give you 3 visits summed up into one sentence.
"You dont pick your parents or relatives."
you pick everyone else. Sometimes your parents are shitheads. If they arent a positive impact on your life it is ok to jettison them. I, like you tried to make my parents into something they arent. Fuck em.
As an alpha.. tell your mom..
"That is not an acceptable way to treat my father"
She tries to emasculate you,
"Are you done yet?"
Keep frame.. I am AWESOME.. fuck her. Learn from your parents, be different if you have kids if you have them. It will be EASIER than you think. Just dont go TOO far the other way.
Pick your wife CAREFULLY. (fuck all that "women are shit" and "they are all bad" stuff in here) I got a girl Ive been married to for 20+ years. She fucking rocks and is NICE. Im the mean one in the family and that is OK. It took a LONG time of sifting through a lot of nonsense to find her. They are out there but because RPW are not popular now with the mainstream. They hide in plain sight because they have to.
it is OK to not get along with your parents.
it is OK to say. Im not like you. I believe THIS.
Fuck them.. you owe them NOTHING.
Just like TRP teaches you.. women ARENT awesome because they have a vagina. Some are SHITTY let them prove to you they ARENT and if they are.. JETTISON them.
dont put up with ANY shit.
Dont loose a MINUTE of sleep over it either.
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squirrelcuisine 10y ago
Well said.. too many gents in the anger stage.. Keep digging brother.. RPW are HARD to find.. but when you do.. Whoa.. you are in for an unbelievable ride.
GrandCzarOfRedPill 10y ago
Unfortunately we cannot choose our parents. Only you can decide if putting some distance between you and your mother is best. Good news is you do get to choose who you date and sleep with. Your mother has at least given you an example of the type of woman to avoid.
If you're over 18 it's time to leave whatever shitty childhood you had behind and work on making your life better.
BluepillProfessor 10y ago
A woman will push a man just as far as he allows. AWALT. If your mother is manipulative and shit testing all the time she is not the only parent you have to blame- which shows that the whole blame game is pointless. You know the truth but you can't change your Mom or your dad.
Here2lrn 10y ago
Your mother sounds awesome. Don't know what you're complaining about.
frazzleddd 10y ago
Accept trp and you'll accept your mother. It's just how it is is nan
[deleted] 10y ago
Dude, she's your mother. You don't distance yourself from her just because she's not the type of woman you'd date. You gotta love your mum, but if you can see through her shit that's fine.
SenorPuff 10y ago
Preaches to avoid? Sounds like she's using shit tests like every woman does. Men do it too, but we understand them. All women will try to be manipulative if you give them the opportunity and don't make it clear that doesn't work.
There are two things I take away from this: you never had a male role model who knew how to deal with your mother, even though she very blatantly knew how to handle shit tests herself, and you need to respect your mother for being your mother.
My mother occasionally will shit test me. No, I'm not going to skip work because she has trouble printing something. I will try to help her after work, or over the phone. The emotionally charged reaction shit test is hard coded into their psyche. But your mother still loves you and will go to bat for you.
TDCRedPill 10y ago
|how do I deal with shit tests from a relative?
With unwavering frankness. "That's a childish guilt trip because you're feeling unloved, and I'm disappointed you think I'm so stupid as to not see through it. You don't get love by whining, mother, you get it by being lovable, and I have no problem hanging up on you if you sound unpleasant. Now, tell me how you've been so we can have a nice time catching up." Fact is, she'll be proud when she realizes you're your own man.
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zyk0s 10y ago
It's not that her personality attracts a type of man as much as a type of man isn't repulsed by such a personality. Men go after beauty, the question is whether they'll stay for the person. I don't think men who get together with toxic women like their antics, they simply like the eye candy more.
LS_D 10y ago
Do any of the males in her life do that to her?
I bet she (secretly) wants them to!
Brocccooli 10y ago
You don't get mad at a dog for being a dog, do you?
Don't get mad at a woman for being a woman.
asd1100 10y ago
Don't have a relationship with your mother. I think that is kinda ilegal as well.
Can you live on your own?
Yes: then live your life and don't let her push your buttons
No: stay at home, listen to her, mediate conflict, do great in school and build a great life and then do argument 1-
lloopy 10y ago
We don't despise women. We love women. We think they're hot Hot HOT!
The whole point of this subreddit is to UNDERSTAND women. Your girlfriend shit tests you? All Women Are Like This (AWALT). You need to learn: Hold Frame. Don't get emotional, just tell her how it is. This is what your mom's behavior was all about. If your dad had a firm hand, then none of this shit would happen.
I've noticed that my sister doesn't shit test her husband in front of me. Know why? 'cause he wears the pants in that family. Sure, my sister plans activities for the family when they're on vacation, but the plans revolve around her husband, not the other way around.
bicepsblastingstud 10y ago
Just wanted to capitalize on this before somebody goes "omg what a beta" -- a good leader will delegate tasks to his subordinates.
Give her a task, why you need it done, and what you imagine the completed task to look like. Then supervise/check-in as needed.
"Hey babe. You always know what the kids will like -- can you plan the itinerary for our trip next month? Make sure you leave one night where you and I can go out by ourselves."
It's leadership 101, and it works in LTRs also.