Long-ass post, beware.
Hey there. I've been "in the game" for a few years now but I've never faced a situation like this before, so I'm a bit confused on how to proceed.
Preface: I'm 19, fucking 31-year-old neighbor. I'm focused on myself, keep myself busy, and put myself first (as we all should). She has low self-esteem, a kid, and mental health issues, but hey, she's a solid 8 so it's cool to keep her around. We've been going on dates for a solid month now, and she's slowly getting attached (she told me she obsesses over me and that it's painful when I leave-- although she tries to hide it).
The sex is great, and for once doesn't feel like a damn chore... she makes sure I'm taken care and vice-versa. She's been abused in the past so getting her out of her shell was a bit of work, but now I'm seeing her true colors and it's great. Honestly, I haven't felt this "valued" in a fucking while.
Every week and date before last nights' was great-- fun activity, deep conversation, playful tones, made sure to lead, all that good stuff. However, I'm pretty sure I messed up last night.
Yesterday, I felt like taking her out and so I shot her a text letting her know I'll pick her up at x time to go out. I picked her up with no idea where the fuck I was taking her since I was out all day and didn't plan it out (mistake #1?) and decided to go on a walk in the downtown area. She knew the area better than me, but I didn't let her guide (mistake #2?). Obviously, this pissed her off a bit as it took me longer than necessary to find parking, and a specific area I was looking for (she knew where it was and was trying to tell me where, but I ignored her remarks and thought I knew best) (mistake #3?). In the end, we got there and were vibing, and then went off to the shore.
This is where shit happens. She mentioned how she felt "closed out" the entire date and that she didn't feel like she was with me, but rather she was just a puppy following me-- although I had no clue where I was going (I was trying to be spontaneous lol). She also mentioned how she has never felt this disconnected from me and it felt as if she was hanging out with her friend rather than me-- Although the last few weeks have felt super connected for her. By this point, I knew I had messed up, but didn't wallow, and instead firmly admitted that hey, you know what? I did have no clue where I was going. That's on me.
And that's where the "more input" comment comes in, as she said something along the lines of "I love it when you lead, but sometimes it's too much. Like, you didn't even let me know where we were going so I had no idea how to dress". Is this a result of me not planning out the date, or is it something else?
So-- Should I plan out dates in advance and not do "spontaneous" again, or is this really about not her having enough input?
That aside, I don't want to make a separate post, so a few things that I've wanted some input on how I handled it:
I do intermittent fasting. During the date, she asked, "when did you last eat?" and I mentioned something like 7 hours ago, and she gasped and said you should eat. I was like no, I'm not hungry, I'm intermittent fasting to keep my weight where I want it to be. Then she shot back with "you don't realize how thin you are, you have like no fat", and I was like yeah, so? I'm happy with how I look and I'm able to look at myself and be happy at what I see with where I'm at. After that, she kept pushing the topic, but I kind of just ignored it as I had already made my point.
She brought up how "I don't care enough" and "seem emotionless", and that she wishes I was more expressive-- and I said that's just the way I am... our "languages" are different and we express things in different ways. She then brought up the "obsessive" part and how she's scared of getting too attached to me and I was just like, just do you. Then the point of having a great date and not talking for days came up, and I said that hey, I have a busy life, I don't have that kind of time to be texting you that much... that's why I always end convos with "I'm available during the evening for an in-person" instead of just texting all day... cuz I got shit to do. I also mentioned that when she gets her shit together and gets a job and back in school she'll be the same (she's worried about not seeing me so often) and that it's perfectly normal to not be in touch all the damn time as life comes first.
During the date, sometimes my attention wandered off to things that were happening, even if we were talking (like a loud car passing by-- can't miss those), and that pissed her off. (mistake? how to work on it?)
At the shore, a friend called and I figured why not answer, the convo was less than two minutes, but she seemed visibly bothered-- although she has previously done the same (mistake? should I have focused on just her?)
At the shore, she mentioned how she doesn't see how she and her kid fit into my life given my drive, goals, and ambitions, and I let her know that "hey if we've been doing this for a month then I clearly see something in it", that made her shut up and think.
In the end, I mentioned the whole "spontaneous" thing and she said "I guess indecisive is spontaneous now", and I played it off without breaking my frame. We went home, I slept over, and this morning she mentioned how she couldn't sleep because she cared too much about whether I was comfortable, cold, and shit like that. So.... what the fuck? How do I handle this? Seems to have a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm used to just leading and the women follow-- but damn, she seems to have had enough of me leading... or was it because I didn't have a solid plan?
Thanks for reading, brothers. Looking forward to your feedback.
TLDR: 19-year-old me going on dates with 31 year old for the past month, looking for feedback and criticism on how I messed up last night and how to fix behavior as well as address the "loss of connection" comment in future dates.
Any questions about more specifics will be answered... just ask em'.
MonkMode 3y ago
So many issues you have, but I understand this is your journey and need to learn these lessons yourself.
Give up the pussy, focus on your career. Self improvement. Working out. Date younger, not older.
I could go on, but let's start here.
OnlineBoii48 3y ago
What would it take for me to lead? What sort of responses should I be giving?
Edit: excellent comment.
MonkMode 3y ago
You are giving "qualifying" responses, which is you defending your position and seeking her approval. A proper response to the eating thing, "I know, I look good, " or ignore the comment, i.e. STFU. Instead you rambled, defended, and qualified your position, which came off weak.
Another thing to realize is that you are likely just fucking this one person, might have to much invested in this one person, and therefore giving her all the control over you and the relationship. She should be writing this post, not you.
Sex in of itself is a drug, giving your body a huge jolt of chemical changes. Without redosing, you will have a period of weakness. For me, it's 7 days, although I'm learning to even control myself through that weakness phase. This is why learning to be alone is so important because you won't feel the need to visit the same drug dealer who monopolizes your business.
OnlineBoii48 3y ago
Spot on. I pull the “I know” a lot, but still mess up like then. Agree and amplify. Or stfu. Still, given that I have to do it that often is a red flag in itself. And yes, oneitis. That’s what’s messing up my game. I need to stop caring more.
Woujo 3y ago
First, you need to have a plan when you go on a date. Women want men to take the lead because men are better at making plans and sticking to them. Her calling you "indecisive" is terrible.
Second, when you take the lead, it's ok to ask for her input. It's bad to say "hey so what should we do?" but it's ok to say "hey, let's do X thing at Y place at Z time. Does that sound good to you?" A woman shouldn't be scared to express her opinion around you.
Third, the general "theme" here is that you are failing to make her feel accepted. You don't need to text her all day or ask her opinion about every single thing, but you do need to provide her enough acknowledgement to make her feel included in your tribe to some degree, so to speak. Women who feel jilted like this normally leave after a while. It seems like a lot of her complaining is her making excuses to herself to dump you because you are not making her feel accepted enough.
Finally, don't lie to her and make her feel like you guys are going to be some long-term thing together - you're not.
OnlineBoii48 3y ago
Got it. I realized that later on, I should’ve had a plan. Well, we learn from our mistakes. I fucked her last night anyways. Yeah, I never ask the “where do you want to go” and instead pick a place myself, but because I didn’t have a plan it fucked everything up. I need to pull back on the controlling and implement the little details to make her feel more incorporated.
Any tips on making her feel “accepted”? I usually have a good ear, banter back and forth, and give affection when appropriate, which leads to sex more often than not. I know I messed up last night though lol.
OnlineBoii48 3y ago
I've been clear with my intentions-- making her my woman. Another comment she made during the date is that "she doesn't feel like my equal", and I responded with something along the lines of "you have some sort of value to me, otherwise I wouldn't be here".
TairyHesticles 3y ago
She's shit testing you BroChaCho. Thats a good sign. She's trying to poke holes in your frame. Shes picking a topic and seeing if you respond defensively, change your behavior, or maintain your frame. Probably not even consciously. It's just what women do when you present a strong frame. They are social martial arts black belts naturally.
Now when one fails these tests your SMV goes down (at least somewhat temporarily). It sounds like she was trying hard enough to get rather pissy which is an indicator. Believe it or not, that is the PERFECT time to start withholding attention and focus more on your other plates. If you are still trying to play and hamster wheel her brain, make sure you go out and do fun things and flaunt it. Nothing like taking attention away and loading the kayaks onto the hood of your truck to make the point clear.
Just know that she will forever shit test you as all women do. Use the experience to practice fighting for frame during those probing tests/"problems"/negs she creates through humor (agree and amplify), ignoring, or controlled reduced attention.