If I know it's low, then what? I'm doing activities that should make it high - I'm doing male stuff (Krav Maga), I'm lifting heavy weights (doing 5x5 but with dumbbells), I'm engaging in conflicting situations and getting what I want from people, I sleep well and eat well...
If I know it's high, then what? Doesn't help me either.
I'm not dismissing your comment, just please explain my next step after I get some specific number from the level check?
If your testosterone is low you simply go on TRT (testosterone replacement therapy). Either your doctor prescribes it or you go to arlrussia.ru and order some testosterone yourself. Go for 100-200mg of testosterone per week.
People suffering from low testosterone have said that supplementing testosterone has cured many of their problems. Whether it be in bed or anxiety related. Properly inform yourself first though.
Of course you can. I never had any problems with the customs. Way cheaper than buying roids at the gym. Check out eroids.com This is a site where all the roid sources and products get reviewed. Just choose a highly ranked shop near your country of origin and you will have no problems. Use your head though and don't pay with a credit card, choose western union or bank transfer.
edit: Just to clarify. Don't order nothing until you have properly informed yourself about your cycle. If you have no idea what AI, PCT, SERM means or plan on running a cycle without a testosterone base you have no business visiting this site.
What kind of doctor should I go to and complain about this thing? What exactly should I complain about for him to send me for testosterone check? Just blatantly tell him I don't want sex anymore, or something else?
You can go to a regular internist, or an endocrinologist. You want to test your total T, as well as LH and FSH levels - these will help determine if your problem is primary or secondary hypogonadism.
If you have primary hypogonadism (your balls simply cannot produce testosterone at a high enough level), or don't care about your ability to make kids, then TRT is good, and probably the only option.
Because it's off-label, not all doctors are familiar with this (endocrinologists would be more likely to know about it than a GP). Send them that PubMed article - your doctor will most likely have a subscription to PubMed and be able to read the full article. If your doctor is not a prick and will actually listen to you, then you might have success with this approach. If not, then maybe find another doctor.
I also forgot to mention. Clomid (clomiphene) is a heck of a lot cheaper than testosterone, and it's a pill not an injection, so it's easier to take. Just a single pill a day.
I have no idea how it is in Russia. In my country (central europe) you can simply tell the doctor that you feel lethargic, have a low sex drive and the following blood test is going to be paid by insurance.
Yeah, I mean, what doctor? I have to tell what doctor I want to visit. Like, traumatologist, psychiatrist, manual teraphist...? That's how my insurance usually works. Maybe I misunderstand something.
I am sorry if I'm blind, but I don't see where it mentions the kind of "doctor" I need to visit.
The way insurance in Russia works (at least my insurance) is if I call them and ask to sign me in, they'll ask "what's the symptom". If I then tell "low sex drive" they'll say "oh well go see a sexologist then, this isn't covered by insurance bye". I can try it tomorrow morning if you want but I'm sure the result will be this. If however I know what kind of doctor I need (that treats low testosterone levels) to go for I can negotiate and maybe get a visit covered by insurance then.
Go see a general doctor. They should be able to diagnose testosterone deficiency. Just say whatever you need to to get through the door. If your country has a doctor patient confidentiality clause the doctor won't report what you're talking about.
Porn provides variety that real life can't. It gives you lots of dopamine. Refrain from watching it for at least 3 months. You will recalibrate your body.
Of course I did good cunnilingus so they didn't really complain
not the same mate
she said it's me doing same thing again, and that she hates when I'm like that, and she'll just wait until I give up like I always did.
she knows you're a pussy. Also sharing the TRP with her, you are living in a fantasy where she gives a fuck about you more than her principles.
she doesn't want me because I don't give her good sex, so I should improve my sex so she wants me more
No, you never where able to do your magic. She signed up for a marriage with a a safe beta that does awesome cunninlingus(yes, that is your job description). And now you are trying to renegotiate. You can't.
(she knows about everything I do alone when I'm not home, I was never a secretive person, so once I become secretive she'll know)
ding ding. so you have no identity, you are just are as emotionally open as a child. You don't feel like a man because you are just faking it, you have no identity or personal life.
But not only I'm Christian so I don't consider that a valid option, I also consider it stupid because well, I don't want just sex, I want a relationship,
DING DING DING, why are you guity? what makes you feel the need to have a patriagal outerwordly protector. Find what stumpped your emotional developent and you will fix you problem. I won't go into a analisis here, but think about when you first had a sexual encounter(it probably was way before you even understood what that was) You are showing a lot of signs of abuse. Have that checked out.
She's actually quite plump and not what I'd consider a HB at all, BUT that never bothered me as I've always been more attracted to skin on skin feelings, signs of woman's desire towards me
Yeah i figured that due to her being used to disapointment, I can tell you that certainly her being chubby doesn't help, But your issues are way more deeper.
I quit my lifelong computer game addiction
Didn't knew that was a thing, people that just label bad lifestyles as addictive never tried cocaine.
She's quite a psychologist even though she does not do it for money
back to the point about not having a life, no, keep boudaries dude, they are very important to developing a identity. She is not a psychologist and don't you dare share your abused history with her.
I can't relax and that's why I can't get erection, and since I both have erection problem and approach sex as a challenge,
You never could, so it's not her feminist aproach of don't be mad just enjoy it and rainbows will apear.
"I have to prove I'm good in bed as soon as possible, and every time I fail to do so I'm only making it worse".
And here you are internalising her bullshit. You SUCK AT SEX you always had, nothing to prove here, now let's move on so we can actually fix the issue. You have a real ISSUE!
She also said that maybe I pressured myself too much with "Don't look at woman with lust" commandment and purged any sexual desire towards women from myself that way. I tried watching porn and no, I can pretty well feel excited and feel lust towards women in porn. Having "fun" watching porn didn't bring anything back in the real world.
Gotta love the christian hypocrisy there. Not really dude, christianity is just a value system that works very well on guilt(not negesaraly for doing something wrong, guilt is a reaction to punishment or something you percieved as punishment) striken people, like TRP works on disinfranchised men. Something else broke you, christianity just happened to be the right size bandaid.
So I should NOT be open? But I'm open to you guys, is that bad too? By explaining myself in these posts I really gained a good insight into my problem that I could not do myself!
For example, I thought I'm through with "putting her pleasure as a goal", but it turned out I can't think of anything I want from sex for myself - only for her pleasure. I could only learn that when you guys asked me certain questions that made me try to answer them and showed me I couldn't.
Or do you mean I should only discuss my problems and open myself to anyone BUT my wife?
you have no identity or personal life.
You mean, intentionally hide something from my wife?
Like, I went to Krav Maga and asbolutely loved it. I want to share with her when she asks "how was my day". I want to share how good it feels to finally be a man again, to experience thrill of battle, to experience being on your limit, etc. Do I not tell her (but only tell my male friends)?
Or I finally confronted that dude on the work and said to his face how he fails to do a basic task because he's lazy to input correct numbers into a web form, and should do it right this time, or I'll go straight to his superiors and blatanly point out that he's to blame for the delay... and I felt justified and proud about it. Do I not tell her in the evening when we discuss how was our day, but just say "yeah fine"?
I'm not arguing, just tell me if it is so, and if you could, explain a little bit what's the mechanic behind it (or what book/paragraph should I study to learn about it).
Didn't knew that was a thing, people that just label bad lifestyles as addictive never tried cocaine.
It is, trust me. It's just not as hard I assume. You live like a zombie, playing games that you don't understand why you're playing, that you always feel bad after you invest over 100 hours and feel bored and feel you wasted your time, but then you start playing another game and it repeats.
DING DING DING, why are you guity? what makes you feel the need to have a patriagal outerwordly protector. Find what stumpped your emotional developent and you will fix you problem. I won't go into a analisis here, but think about when you first had a sexual encounter(it probably was way before you even understood what that was) You are showing a lot of signs of abuse. Have that checked out.
Could you please explain what you meant here. You mean I should unlink sex from relationships and start to focus on learning to do fasts? Or do you mean I have had sexual trauma in the past and that made stick the sex back as far as I can into the "bag" that is relationship and that's limiting me?
Well, let's be frank here and maybe you can tell me if that's abuse or not and what do I do with it (I'M OPEN AS A CHILD OMFG!)
My first sexual experience was watching porn tape that my stepfather (my mother's second husband, with who we lived since I was ~12) probably planted for me to find in order to "educate" me. Or maybe not, maybe I really did find his favorite porn tape, w/e. It was some classic films - Lady Dynamite, Femme aux bas Noir, etc. That was when I was around 13. I got quite addicted to masturbating (did it every other day I think, then like 2 times a week). Started seeing porn sites (with pictures, internet was dialup 11.4k back then and we never dreamt we would one day download full hd videos in a blink of an eye). My mother was trying to catch me and shout at me how I'm a pervert and a bad boy, my stepfather was joking about it with a grim, when he'd find me looking at porn on the internet he'd sit there saying "lemme see what kind of women you enjoy" and browse it himself with a kinky smile, he had this idea that enjoying watching naked females is fine for a growing boy and nothing to worry about, and trolled my mother with it, who shouted how he's a pervert and corrupts her angelic boy (to which he reacted in a manner you'd call "passing a shit test" and trolled her even more until she went all red cheeks and capitulated).
My first actual sex with a woman was when I was around 19. She was quite fat. But I was still quite excited because well at least I get to lose my virginity! And she behaved in very seductive manner so... it was very fun and enjoyable. But I was always kinda worried since I came very fast from masturbating that it wouldn't go well. So when it came to sex I had the problems described in the beginning of the post. Came too fast from her just stroking my cock, or couldn't actually maintain erection to have actual sex. But I leanred to do cunnilingus quickly (seen it in porn and well, it worked just as I seen it there) and she's come SO FUCKING LOUD that I enjoyed it quite a lot. But of course, that probably made me think I suck at actual sex because ... well, I lose erection when I even THINK about having PiV, and I come too quickly! She left me after I totally fucked up our relationship with my beta actions. We met again once in a while for the following one or two years, having "fun", discussing our lives and stuff, and then stopped communicating alltogether.
After her I had different girls, all with quite good bodies (IDK how you rate bodies, but well, they were fit, breasts that I like, nice face, long hair etc). One (that we had those public caressing each other under clothes experiences with) I completely failed when I didn't have sex with her after she basically lured me into her home when her parents were still at work (after which she quickly dumped me). Other was a distant relationship (like 1400 km) for about a year. Other was an LTR for about a year or more, she was very shy and silent kind of girl, at first it was awesome, she responded well to my romantic approaches, gifts and events I did, we met frequently etc, but eventually I got extremely bored with her and told her I don't want to see her anymore because I just found out she's too passive for me. Btw she's the only girl who couldn't come from oral sex, no matter how long I tried. Then I had a girl who fell in love with me by looking at my photo and when we finally met it escalated quite quickly... and died off quite quickly as well... And so on, and later I met my wife.
So, what's your conclusion?
If I would try to be overly critical to my "inner hamstering" and be very harsh on myself and disregard my right to actually prefer something, I would say this:
I don't want "fasts" and I bind sex to relationships so much because I always thought I'd fail at sex (since I came too quickly), and from the first sexual encounter I actually had with a girl, I only reinforced that since I had both erection problem and came too quickly. I bind sex to relationships since I understand no woman would like me for sex alone (since it would be inferior to what other guys can give her) (hmm... despite like every woman outright telling me at least 3 times during our relationship "I FELT SO FUCKING GOOD I NEVER FELT SO GOOD IN MY LIFE" after cunnilingus... what's wrong with me?). I think that if we have a stable relationship she'd endure my sexual problems and won't dump me too fast and then I can get used to her and stop having at least erection problems and we can have some resemblance of good sex (I'd still come too fast so it would be inferior to what other guys do anyway).
Is that a true self-assessment? And if so, what do I do to myself to change that, in my current position, PREFERABLY not involving me cheating on my wife (cheating as in "having petting or sex with other woman", approaching or going for a date is fine).
I dunno, another part of me wants to just say "I don't want fasts, it's just not my thing, I enjoy having dates, talking about romantic stuff, escalating kino slowly, making a romantic event out of our first sex together, it's irrelevant that I have sex problems, even if I'd have no sex problems I'd still want to have nothing to do with fasts". I mean, not every TRP man likes fasts, yes?
Do you want me to think of you as my big bad alpha male? I tought so. These are different things. And I personally respect my bros enough that I would not have this conversation sober. Shamefull confesions should always be done drunk because otherwise that initial respect dwindles.
but it turned out I can't think of anything I want from sex for myself - only for her pleasure.
That is society's fault, I could say I raped jesus and still wouldn't be as hated as saying the object of sex isn't a womans orgasm.
Or do you mean I should only discuss my problems and open myself to anyone BUT my wife?
I think that by letting her psychoanalyse you you are trowing away a great deal of your identity and emotional boundaries. That is very harmful to your masculinity. It's like a magician explaining the trick before he performs it.
I want to share how good it feels to finally be a man again, to experience thrill of battle, to experience being on your limit, etc. Do I not tell her (but only tell my male friends)?
Not really, you can just say, kicked some ass and took some names. The details are way less important than the attitude. Talk like you feel, don't talk about what you feel.
Do I not tell her in the evening when we discuss how was our day, but just say "yeah fine"?
Yeah, I would avoid work talk personally, it's so boring. Rule of thumb, if you can't remember it in 3 days it's not worth talking about it period. It certainly isn't sexy.
You live like a zombie, playing games that you don't understand why you're playing, that you always feel bad after you invest over 100 hours and feel bored and feel you wasted your time, but then you start playing another game and it repeats.
For fuck sake, WHY? It does sound like a addiction but, you get better hits of serotonine by doing jumping jacks, I would imagine it's easy to replace the high.
Or do you mean I have had sexual trauma in the past and that made stick the sex back as far as I can into the "bag" that is relationship and that's limiting me?
Yes, I think you associate arousal with shame, guilt or even fear. You repeatedly argued that when you THINK of inserting your penis it dies. That is quite a specific issue.
My mother was trying to catch me and shout at me how I'm a pervert and a bad boy, my stepfather was joking about it with a grim, when he'd find me looking at porn on the internet he'd sit there saying "lemme see what kind of women you enjoy" and browse it himself with a kinky smile, he had this idea that enjoying watching naked females is fine for a growing boy and nothing to worry about, and trolled my mother with it, who shouted how he's a pervert and corrupts her angelic boy (to which he reacted in a manner you'd call "passing a shit test" and trolled her even more until she went all red cheeks and capitulated).
At least we know where the shame is, I heard worse, so you had no interaction previously with sex or arousal? Why didn't you keep your hobby a secret? Here is where I think you never developed emotional boundaries.
was always kinda worried since I came very fast from masturbating that it wouldn't go well. So when it came to sex I had the problems described in the beginning of the post. Came too fast from her just stroking my cock, or couldn't actually maintain erection to have actual sex. But I leanred to do cunnilingus quickly (seen it in porn and well, it worked just as I seen it there) and she's come SO FUCKING LOUD that I enjoyed it quite a lot.
Not saying it's linked but this explains why you don't associate self gratification with sex but you are fixated on pleasuring the woman. If you felt a lot of shame then, it could have associated with your previous mother induced shame and made you think you aren't deserving of orgasms.
I mean, not every TRP man likes fasts, yes?
I don't get what's your deal with fasts.
Do you feel sexy? I would recommend issuing a no clothes(no lingerie either) around the house policy and raising the restriction on groping. Everything is playable with. Pet touch fondle caress everything to both of your liking. Restrict her orgasm to twice or even once a week on a fixed evening(AND KEEP TO IT, she can masturbate if she must, you are not allowed not make her CUM outside of those special times) that will be all about her, the rest of the time is all about you(your goal is not to cum, but to be aroused and stimulated), it's about getting in touch with the fun simple joy of eroticism. From that inocent apreciation you grow your sexual identity into a curious preteen, a brave mischivious playfull teenager and finally a sexy thirsty man.
Your dick knows better than to screw girls who aren't that good looking even if you don't.
My dick won't stay hard for a girl less than 8/10 hot. It's not porn or lack of it either, it's that I've had 8-10 and I won't settle for less. I could push it but my dick will go on strike, suggest changes to management on behalf of the union & management will comply (8+ from now on).
with "Don't look at woman with lust" commandment
and purged any sexual desire towards women from myself that way
Ya, that's brainwashing nonsense: a woman's purpose on Earth is to be lusted by men.
If you can't do that your sex drive must die. There's no gray area.
I also suggest seeing a doctor to ensure your testosterone levels aren't low.
Having "fun" watching porn didn't bring anything back in the real world
No, it can't, it's just a snapshot of someone else's sex act. The only reason I'm even stimulated by porn at all is seeing close-ups of girls fingering themselves & NOT letting my brain wander to remembering EX-GIRLFRIENDS when I want to get off but I'm not having sex this time either. The last fucking thing I want is to let any part of my subconscious remind me of an ex-bitch I threw away.
I don't care how good the sex was either, if she was a bitch that's what my brain will focus on.
Sorry to read there you're married. That would be the destroyer for me. I can't settle for older women or uglier women & they all get uglier over time so being married & not cheating would mean destroying my sex drive. No way out of it. I'd have to be a man who can live without sex ever again, yet worse, not have my own space for 100% control of my life since there's a wife in my life too.
Well as I said, my dick has no problem whatsowever fucking plump or not plump women. To each their own, mate. I undestand about "brainwashing nonsense" and I'm going to be working on that now. But otherwise we just have different things that arouse us, it seems, and I think it's fine we're different.
Marriage in Russia when you have "resources" can be devoid of western problems. She can't divorce rape me and can't take away my property unfairly. So marriage is fine.
Nah, after all your guys wonderful answers, I am absolutely sure it's threefold:
1) My self-esteem is fucked
2) I have destroyed my ability to view women as sexually attractive
3) I have no actual desire to have sex for my own pleasure, but only as a way to give pleasure to the woman - I can't even answer anything to the question "What do you want from sex" without saying something that includes her feelings or pleasure
I won't rule out T, but I'll give myself about two weeks trying to fix these three.
How often do you masturbate? Do you use porn? I'm glad you read sex god method. Sounds like anxiety - which is something I still struggle with from time to time especially with new girls. It helps if I just focus on what I like about the experience - how good their skin feels on mine, how their hair smells. Staring at their beautiful face. Lying against them kissing them will often get me hard when manual stimulation isn't doing the trick.
After doing nofap I've learned that I need to avoid porn at all costs. Even watching a few minutes will harm my erections with women for several days. Breathing helps with lasting longer - long slow deep breaths, go slow when you penetrate.
Before this problem, I stopped watching porn and masturbating about 3 months ago. Mostly religious thing, but I also thought "okay if I'm not masturbating and not watching porn I'd have more vibrant feelings during actual sex".
I also tried to stop myself from "looking at women with lust". (I was never the "follow every woman's ass with your head when you walk" guy, I always resented it especially since one of my buddies always did it when we were going somewhere together, but I frequently would picture women naked in my mind if I saw a sexy woman even for a moment).
This was when we started having more sex so I also thought I no longer need to masturbate and watch porn, and I thought that I'm picturing women naked because I watched too much porn and became a pervert.
After the problem happened, as I said, I tried once just to check if I can still get excited looking at sexy women. I definetly can and quite easilly. Didn't try anymore yet. Wife said I should have "fun" watching porn to release the "locks" I've put on my sexual desire when I tried to stop fantacising about other women
For about 3 months I stopped all masturbation. I was too busy doing tons of other things, seldom had time alone at all. My sex drive almost erased itself from that.
All this nonsense saying to never masturbate anymore is very, very bad advice. Its the only threat ever in my life to erase my sex drive. Never again.
Religious? Well there is your problem. You have what I like to call american sex shame. I was raised to be shamed about sex and feeling sexual feelings. Getting over it is hard, but you have to abandon your beliefs that something natural and wonderful as sex is bad. I had to abandon the god I was raised with for that reason. I can either have a terrible existence in fear, or live my life without guilt and have no regrets.
Thing is I do not. I'm not your typical Orthodox Christian. I never thought oral sex, contraception, BDSM, doggy style, coming on her breasts/face/mouth, exhibitionism or anything like that about sex was shameful and never felt guilty having sex. Well maybe I felt guilty masturbating since parents would try to catch me but I got over it when I started living alone. I never thought masturbation is forbidden by Bible (it's really not, Onan's sin was different).
I think that cheating, threesomes, wifesharing and stuff is off limits. Even thought I can't deny I get excited watching threesomes porn, I never fantacise about it and never wanted it. I never wanted to cheat either. I had an experience similar to cheating once (basically I fooled a little bit watching porn with an ex while I had a stable relationship with my girlfriend of that time) and felt horrible about doing it. That's as close as I came to cheating. Idea of wifesharing, swingers and w/e other polygamy is just stupid to me.
I thought anal sex is disgusting, but only because I didn't want my cock to be put into fecies. I tried to reason it to my wife as religious but I always knew that was the only reason. Once I fixed that misconception I no longer have anything against it.
I was never shameful about sexual feelings - I loved it. My most vivid sexual experience was caressing a girl under her clothes while we were sitting on a bench in a quite public place or on a staircase of a public flat building, people could come out and notice us anytime. Never felt any shame about it - but tremendous pleasure. Well maybe I'd feel ashamed if we'd be caught but mostly because I'd inconvinience someone else (like an old man who's last had sex 10 years ago), not because I want to caress a girl's tits or clit or have her stroke my cock.
EDIT: Just figured, maybe what you meant by me having shame is the way I interpreted "do not look at women with lust" as "do not ever fantacise about women other than your wife"?
Good, keep staying off of porn. It takes more than 3 months to recover. Some take up to a year or more.
Re-examine your beliefs about sex. Come to your own conclusions. Is the religious sexual restraint meant for alphas or betas?
Is there anything wrong with enjoying a nice view, seeing the beautiful women of the world, and feeling a tingle in your crotch signaling your body is ready to pound? You are a 150-250 lb piece of copulating flesh. You're hard wired for it. Your wife is ok with you looking at other women, why aren't you?
Best of luck man. Whatever path you choose, accept it.
You mean, the commandment to limit yourself to one wife is made for betas and since I pursuit alpha qualities I should disregard it and start cheating on my wife? Or do I misunderstand?
I will probably stay off porn (not a problem to me anymore) but I don't see how it can actually be a cause since as I said I haven't had it for several months and certainly it wasn't the trigger to what happened to me now...
He didn't say to cheat on your wife, he said: "Re-examine your beliefs about sex. Come to your own conclusions."
Many religious views on sex are... dysfunctional, to put it nicely. If religion is getting in the way of you having a fulfilling sex life, then you need to sit down and examine your views. If a particular view is in opposition to what your religion says, but you have solid reasons to hold that view, then disregard what the religion says.
Catholicism's (recently reversed) view on birth control, for example. If you think using birth control is the responsible thing to do, then use it and let go of the Catholic guilt. If you sit down and really think about it, and you decide that you were wrong and the religion was right, then change your actions to fit your newly affirmed beliefs. Either way, you become better for it.
Religious rules are not meant to create hedonistic people looking for pleasure as a way of life. They are meant to uphold the survival and prosperity of a people over the very long term. That means having stable marriages so that children can grow under two parents without the threat of divorce and the separations and abandonments it produces, not to mention the dysfunction of the parents thrown into insecurity by anti-family laws.
The christians BTW are corrupted just like the rest of society by feminism; christian women only give lip service to traditional values but keep the prerogatives (all privileges, no responsibilities) of secular women granted to them by the cultural marxist state, thus ruining their families and children like every other women.
Catholicism's (recently reversed) view on birth control, for example.
White european christian peoples have fertility rates not only below replacement level, but even below salvageable level. That means the disappearing of the white christian population in the medium term. What you or OP thinks is irrelevant in front of demographic forces. If you think birth control is great, you are actually thinking that the disappearing of white people is great. Because that's factually what it is producing, along with other anti-natality devices and norms.
Guilt is a tool used by all religions and ideologies, including the one you're promoting. The dividing line though is that traditional religions are meant to sustaining survival and prosperity on the long term of the people who adopt them, whereas secularism as you're promoting is meant and designed to corrupt and destroy the people who adopt it. All in the name of pleasure, freedom and liberation from guilt and these nasty outdated notions like responsibility, duty and conscious. Although secularism uses guilt-tripping as well, but still always with the objective of destroying the people who adopt that ideology.
Yes personal, short term, selfish, self-destructive pleasure comes second. Pleasure is just a biological guide. Also there is something to say about delayed satisfaction versus instant gratification. Building on the long term provides some pleasure of a very different kind than the short term pleasures that go along with self destruction.
Before people assume I'm advising pleasure-less relationship, hold your fire. I'm prioritizing, or re-prioritizing. Babies are driven by the search for pleasure. Growing up means learning the values of different types of pleasure and to prioritize wisely between them.
If you sit down and really think about it, and you decide that you were wrong and the religion was right, then change your actions to fit your newly affirmed beliefs. Either way, you become better for it.
Not if you realize you were wrong after having ruined your life and your family... and your people is going down the garbage bins of history. It will be your children and grandchildren who will realize you were wrong, then.
I made the conversion from protestant Christianity to traditional Catholicism and the philosophical shift has definitely helped. Puritanism was a stain on the faith and caused way more problems than it solved. You need to focus less on total abstinence and more on temperance. It's about self control and not self denial.
If you see a hot girl with leggings riding up her ass walking down the street, of course you're going to have a physical reaction, it's something you can't control. And the more you try and force your thoughts away the more they will fixate. So look, appreciate her beauty, then move the fuck on. Temptation is not sin, acting on temptation is. You're making sex a bigger deal than it needs to be. This is where your wife is correct, you've over analyzed everything and clouded your head.
And cut out the porn. Your body and mind works in patterns and cycles. If you constantly wake up for work at 6 everyday, eventually your brain will start to wake up before your alarm. If you teach your brain that you need porn to be aroused, it's going to expect it every time. You need a paleo sex diet.
And it wouldn't hurt if you convinced your wife to work out a bit too. If she isn't putting off pheromones because she's stagnate she's not helping your problem.
If you see a hot girl with leggings riding up her ass walking down the street, of course you're going to have a physical reaction, it's something you can't control.
It's not a physical reaction, it's first and foremost a mental one. Energy follows thought. You are the master of your mind, if you want to. We are not reptiles. We have also a mammalian complex and a cortex. We have heart feelings that are designed and meant to bypass or drive the biological reactions.
You only can't control your reaction to a sexual signal if you don't control your sexual life. Just withholding masturbation for a few days already changes such so called "involuntary" reactions. It is an addiction we either submit to or refrain from. The choice isn't in front of the piece of ass in the street, but in our mind when we choose to indulge, or not, at fantasizing and masturbating.
the more you try and force your thoughts away the more they will fixate.
Yes that's a good point.
Temptation is not sin, acting on temptation is.
But temptation rises from the indulging into "sinful" practices. Sin means "missing the mark". Fornicating means "worshiping the body instead of the life that inhabits it".
And cut out the porn. Your body and mind works in patterns and cycles. If you constantly wake up for work at 6 everyday, eventually your brain will start to wake up before your alarm. If you teach your brain that you need porn to be aroused, it's going to expect it every time. You need a paleo sex diet.
Pretty good. And a paleo food diet. Juiced raw fruits and veggies do wonders to the stress and vitality levels.
What was bad for me is being weak and trying to find a way to hamster my weakness into something okay.
The more I think about Christianity with TRP swallowed, the more I see I just tried to take shelter in it from being a coward, a pussy, failing in life and being a worthless beta. That was my mistake, not God's mistake. Sure, there were (and are) people who misunderstood the same way or saw opportunity to twist it the same way and exploit other people. Like priests that said that any sex not aimed at conception is sinful, or that any sex in non-missionary position is sinful, etc. They are the problem, not God.
Right now I'm kinda re-learning Christianity and it feels awesome, because everything comes together. It's like equipping a shining set of full body armor exoskeleton that was sitting in a backpack behind your back before. It was a heavy weight and a nuisance before, and now it fits perfectly and greatly improves your abilities!
Sure, ya that's kinda why I said 'religion' rather than 'faith'. I am an atheist but if you have 'faith' in a god that's not the same thing as a human-made, human-run religion running you right into the ground for the benefit of the people running it.
Hopefully you find your path well this way. Atheism is the only path for me but I'm not going to push on that for you.
Faith is important. Religion is only worth it as a way to preserve faith through generations. Like, if there would be no Orthodox and Catholic Church, how would you still have the books and acts of saints intact up to 1900 years after they were written? They would be modified and changed beyond reason, like how Jehovah's Witnesses constantly alter Bible to suit their needs, or how certain modern preachers refuse to talk about parts in Old Testament where David sins with Bathsheba (they'd rather remove this part from the book alltogether).
So religion is important if it preserves faith, but everything else (rituals, prayer books, traditions, clothing styles...) you can utilise to you preference (or do without).
There are so many problems with your post and your replies to comments here.
You seem to have the impression that sex is evil and a bad thing. You are afraid to show your desires as a man and that is mostly your religion's fault.
I will quote some of the things you said
This was when we started having more sex so I also thought I no longer need to masturbate and watch porn, and I thought that I'm picturing women naked because I watched too much porn and became a pervert.
You are ashamed of your desires as a man.
I also tried to stop myself from "looking at women with lust". (I was never the "follow every woman's ass with your head when you walk" guy, I always resented it especially since one of my buddies always did it when we were going somewhere together, but I frequently would picture women naked in my mind if I saw a sexy woman even for a moment).
Why do you deny your nature as a man?
I read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" about that point and understood it's not as simple as I thought. Before I thought "Nice guy" problem is just that people try to be nice to get pussy, and that you just have to stop being beta orbiter and that's how you stop being a nice guy. However, the book opened my eyes to the fact I indeed have almost 100% of the "Nice Guy Syndrome" and that it's way worse than just orbiting. I do covert contracts (like "I'll play Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments with you if you later have sex with me"), I do not pursue my own desires, I try to fix her problems, I try to control her and other people, I have huge toxic shame, I try to focus on her pleasure in bed and disregard mine, etc.
Focus on "I do not pursue my own desires" This is your MAIN problem. The book pointed it out clearly to you BUT You read the Sex god book and your focus went back to her.
You have performance anxiety because you always were focused on your wife's pleasure instead of your own. You never fixed this and you are still doing it.
Put your religion aside for a moment and be honest with yourself. You can't get your dick hard anymore with your wife because you are a MAN and you do not find her arousing anymore. I know you will deny it. I know you think about morality, but morality has no place for sexual desire.
She said "maybe I'm just no longer attractive to you"? She's actually quite plump and not what I'd consider a HB at all, BUT that never bothered me as I've always been more attracted to skin on skin feelings, signs of woman's desire towards me, sounds and face, rather than figure - and I had several women with quite HB too, so I can compare.
Bullshit. No man is aroused with that kind of shit. (validation from a woman during sex?) Men are visual. That's why you get it hard with porn and not with your wife. You are delusional and you ignore your urges as a man. You are not attracted to her anymore, accept for it is what it is.
Edit: I am a orthodox Christian like you. Religion has always tried to contain society with it's fucked up rules. Sex is not evil and you should focus on yourself as a man and your desires.
I wanted to stop "looking at women with lust" because I misunderstood the commandment of God, that I, as a Christian, try to abide by.
I tried to see it as:
Having sexual desire towards anyone but my wife is sinful and should be suppressed
What I see it now (you may call it hamstering, is it btw?) is like this:
It's natural to have sexual desire towards women other than your wife, that's chemical reaction in my body and I cannot turn it down without severely damaging my bodily functions
It's God's will that I do not cheat, and so I should prevent myself from going too far in my fantasies and thoughts about other women - like, actually imagining having sex with her - because that's what is going to lead me into being seduced by her and cheating
Is this still not good? Do you think monogamous relationships are incompatible with having alpha traits?
About the focus back to her - yes, I feel this may be it. I'm trying to make her love/want me again, while instead I should not care about her at all - I should care about making myself lovable/wantable and then just see if she loves/wants me, and if not - give her some time, then ping her with an ultimatum, and then leave. Right?
Can you advise me HOW do I actually break free from this? I am succeptible to autotraining but I'm terrible at making the line for it. Like, watched some popular guy video who tells you to get into rage and shout at yourself in the mirror "I am whole! I am perfect! I am strong! I am powerful!" - this works on me, but if I try to re-create it in Russian I fail (I thought since it's my native language, it should work better in Russian since I must be "thinking" in Russian, right?). Whatever I come up with sounds silly and does not move me a bit. Or maybe there's another way? I believe this might be the problem but I do not see how do I really force myself to accept it (so that I truly stop trying to please her, instead of continuing to do what I'm doing while "knowing" I don't have to do it)
About "no man is aroused by that kind of shit" I must argue. You know about /r/gonewildaudio? Well I find that 100x more erotic, exciting and sexy than /r/gonewild. My personal preference. There are countless people like me. Am I bad for that? Is this some beta thing? If so please explain. Then, do you know there are people focused on audio, video, or kinestetic perception of the world? In pickup articles in Russian we're told about that since it applies to sex too - and if you figure your girl's main way of percieving the world you can focus your efforts. So, I am really way more attracted to sound and feelings than to imagery! Porn with false moaning or just music is way less attractive to me. And of course it applies to the rest of my life - I'm prone to really falling in love with certain songs or tunes, I can literally rave to the music, I feel intense feelings listening to, say, Adagio in G- by Albioni, but some friends I know can't feel such feelings from music. I just love how some fabrics or items feel (or hate how some other things feel). I also get cringes when I hear certain sounds like metal on glass while many people I know (both men and women) do not care. I am also very sensitive to tickling.
About me no longer attracted to my wife I would agree 100%, IF I would be attracted to someone else. Do I get you correctly, you think that the problem is:
I am no longer attracted by my wife
however, since I refuse to cheat, I also prevent myself to be attracted by anyone else
thus, since I'm not attracted to any woman, my sex drive is shut down because my subconcious thinks "since there's no attractive woman to be found ever, there's no need to want sex"?
I'm not trying to prove you wrong or debunk you, I just want to give you more information about me and tell you where I think you make incorrect assumtions about me. I value your response and I'd appreciate if you could respond to me again. Thanks!
I tried watching porn... I can pretty well feel excited and feel lust towards women in porn. Having "fun" watching porn didn't bring anything back in the real world.
Sounds like you have a lot of issues related to self-esteem. There is a lot of stuff going on there. Not sure where to start, but figure out how to deal with all this anxiety. Your post reeks of it. It was a tough read.
Also, stop telling your wife every single thing about TRP and everything else you are thinking about. My god, give her some mystery. Be a man and figure some of this shit out on your own.
life = not a romance movie. You don't have to tell your wife about all your sexual inadequacy. She's not going to give you any real answers anyway.
Sorry it was a tough read, but I had to tell you the truth. Well, yes it very well may be self esteem. WHAT do I do about self esteem then?
Thing is, I've got quite enough to be sure of. I earn much. I have good programming skills. I am getting stronger. I have cunning and intelligence, I'm smart. I've achieved stuff in life (like, was playing Q-Zar, basically a team sport, for several years and won many city-wide prizes on torunaments) And so on. But I'm still low on self esteem (and seems like I have always been).
This is my favorite response to OP. And to add with my similar experience: I just broke up with a girl, 31, and I'm 27. Not unlike the OPs situation, I had lost sexual drive with her. Of course, I haven't lost my sexual drive for beautiful thin 18 year olds, which I will now be moving on to. OP is against this surely, but it would be the best for him IMO in the long run.
Like I have also encountered what you're talking about. The drive to just go fuck women is gone. Feels like the sex drive is gone. And I would say take steps to begin to sexualize women once again. Because sexual arousal is like 50% mental man. Make it a unconscious act to sexualize women. Who gives a fuck if your looking at a chick. It's what guys do.
In addition how does blowjobs work? Do you get hard and enjoy those? If so, you could transition from mid blowjob to PiV and then get lost in the pussy man.
Also i'd recommend thinking about your fantasies and what you personally enjoy during sex. And then try to make those things a part of your sex life. Explore your body a bit man. Legit. Hell even try a prostate massage. Also not everyone is a dominant person in bed. If being a sub in bed gets your rocks off so be it.
An addition to losing the boner when going into PiV try just being entirely in the moment. Enjoy the kisses the body on body feel. Don't worry about your erection. Don't worry about shit man. Just focus on the feeling. Don't worry about not worrying either. Just take some deep breaths and clear your mind.
Okay maybe you're right. I have to not only just play eye contact, but actively sexualise. It will get wierd I guess but I'll try tomorrow and see how it goes.
Blowjobs do work. Thing is, before this happened, I could have a blowjob for some time, and then have PiV for about 4 minutes until I come. Now I just come in a minute from blowjob. Last time we managed to do what you described - I just came in the pussy again in under like 20 seconds. No pleasure to me, no pleasure to her.
I'll think about fantasies. Thing is I tried to imagine and write down the response, andI cannot - it's plagued with "giving her pleasure" so I guess this is another one of these "I'm focused on her instead of me" problems.
Enjoying the moment and cleaning mind didn't work. We tried several times yesterday. I seem to be uncapable of fooling myself :(
EDIT: The more I think about "Fantasies" and "What I want" the more I feel like this is a major problem. All I want from sex is centered on her. I want to last longer (to "fuck her properly" or "make her experience vaginal orgasm" or "to make her really addicted to me"), I want to try some pose (to make it better for her)... I never want anything for myself it seems?
Dude don't sweat it. Your one of those guys that giving your partner pleasure. I'm very similar. I derive pleasure from knowing that i'm doing my job well. I consider sex something like a craft or an art. Think about using her to fulfill your sexual desire. Her pleasure can still be a part of that you know? But the end goal of why you're doing this has to revolve around you. Most women will mold to your sexual desires. If they like a dominant man in bed woman in bed they want to be used to fulfill your desires. You follow me? And they enjoy it.
Alright So have you had the experience of ever lasting 20-30+ minutes in bed? Like I mean 30 minutes of straight thrusting. Can you cum multiple times? Have you tried cumming multiple times in one night?
The secret that i've found is relaxing. Remember to deep breath and relax. Don't mechanize the sex. But realize how to manually lower your arousal level. And realize at what point to do this to avoid going over the edge.
But when I first started having sex with this one chick I would cum almost instantly yo. Like 4 thrusts and cumming. I'd put on another condom and the same thing. Arousal level for me was too overwhelming. I wasn't in control of my dick. And even now if i'm extremely aroused I'll cum faster than I'd like.
I also agree with the edit:
I want to last longer (to "fuck her properly" or "make her experience vaginal orgasm" or "to make her really addicted to me"), I want to try some pose (to make it better for her)...
Those aren't Fantasies those are similar to goals. Just imagine your ideal sexual encounter with your wife.
However if you want try these goals instead:
1.) I want to last longer because I enjoy sex and I want it to last longer. Why? Because I love to see her moan.
2.)I want to fuck her so well that i'll blow her mind. Why? Because I take pride in my ability to fuck and She'll be putty in my hands afterwards.
3.)I want to try new poses because I want to see her moan in ways that I've never heard before. I want to hear that deep uncontrollable moan.
See the difference between my goals and yours. While they both want to accomplish the exact same thing. Check the frame.
When you have actual sex, your brain connects the good feel you get from it to the act of having sex with a woman.
When you watch porn and masturbate, things are still not entirely lost. Your brain connects the good feel with the act of looking at other women. That is why some guys suffer from premature ejaculation - the sight of a naked woman tells the brain that it's time.
BUT when you fantasize to masturbate. Things get out of control. Brain no longer sees the physical connection between orgasm, sex and the pleasure of actually finishing. When you solo fantasize you mostly close your eyes. Every part of your connection to the real world breaks and sex becomes something your brain does with itself. When you get to physical part with someone else, brain no longer cares for any sexual act this is not strictly psychological.
NO, lack of masturbation could be the problem, never training himself to hold an erection and last a long time. The woman's tried, give her credit for that, but he can't expect her to be on-call every time he's got a spare moment to practice working up to an erection & just holding it.
What his real problem sounds like, is either a lack of testosterone or his wife is not pretty enough, not hot enough, and his brain at some level has had enough & said "you can't force me to do this anymore, I can do better and I'm done."
That's why for me 8-10 is my only choice. Below 8 girls are not pretty enough. Even at 8 if she's any kind of entitled princess, NEXT. For all the bullshit trouble I'll aim right for 10. I will not tolerate bullshit female nonsense without the maximum gain (10 hotness) and that's because I know the real value of that pussy - minimal - even if she thinks I don't know it.
That's the whole point of game, is to ensure she does know that I know it so she drops the entitled princess act. I'll have none of it. Make her ugly on top? Of course it's a boner-killer.
It's not porn - it's having real standards.
Refusing every kind of sexual pleasure to make yourself so desperate you'd be thankful to fuck a 3/10 is a pathetic, sad, wrong way to live.
I'm not saying he should refuse masturbation, just not do it by pure fantasy. It's a brain function killer. Watching porn is the best way to go if you have to masturbate.
No one's tested that with science to be sure. Fantasy vs external visual stimulus? Really? No. Do whatever you like. Neither is harming brain function.
You have officially spent 1000% more time than the average man has on how to perform well in bed. And this obsession with performance is actually what has sabotaged you currently.
In your post and all of your comments here all you demonstrate is that this isn't about feeling pleasure for you, it's about making sure you are good enough at sex for your wife.
YOU ARE REALLY INSECURE.
YOU VIEW SEX AS A PERFORMANCE IN WHICH THE QUALITY OF YOUR PERFORMANCE MEASURES YOUR SEXUAL ABILITIES AND MASCULINITY.
These beliefs are what is making you have problems.
There's nothing wrong with your hormones. There's nothing wrong with your dick.
It's psychological.
Until you stop putting pressure on yourself to do a "good job" at sex and stop worrying about "performing well" you won't be able to enjoy it. Literally.
Because of your warped mentality, you should only be doing something in sex because you feel like it and want to, not because you think it will give her more pleasure. You need to change your entire mindset and BECOME SELFISH. You are a selfless lover. Too selfless. To fix this you must view her as a sex object and be selfish.
That's why I wrote so much. So you see the picture. So I can't hide my true nature even if I try to (you can read through the lines).
Yes, I see now that it's most likely this. Thank you. I really don't think its testosterone (well I'll go check it if after a week or two of conscious effort I won't progress at all). It is indeed I am just... warped in terms of sex. Warped and FUBAR.
One question: what is the best way to fix this? I can just do autotrainings - read some mantra to myself over and over - it works, BUT as I said before, I can hardly make one myself - whatever I write sounds silly and my mind won't accept it. Otherwise... well I can spend some time self-reflecting on this and trying to reason with myself? Or what else?
You wrote above how you tried to stop seeing other women sexually. I believe it is this mindset change that is the primary problem.
I'm not sure how you change this but I think you need to try to think perverted thoughts about your wife. I think you have to just try to imagine as many nasty sexual things about her as possible, picture her doing whatever is sexy to you.
I think you NEED to think about her as a sex object for a while until you bring your perspective slightly more back towards normal. And honestly, I know you said you wanted to lose desire for all other women, but I think you should fantasize about other women too and picture having sex with them when you are out and about.
Here is my advice, and some things that I did that may or may not have fixed me:
work out. Tired and draining at first, no desire for sex. Stuck with it. Stamina went up, I imagine test also up. Not completely drained after a while, and desire for sex way up.
eating. Lots of protein, veggies. Eat healthy. Heavy foods would make me tired and lazy.
drinking. Used to be (still am, but Farley) a heavy, several times a week drinker. Now I drink heavy once every few weeks. I can't handle high amounts of alcohol well anymore, and get whiskey dick or lack or desire any time I drink more than a few. Reduce alcohol intake.
hikes. Hiking and being in nature has been proven to reduce stress and depression and help relax. I won't try to find the link but it has been posted here on reddit. Stress and depression have a negative affect on libido.
reduced porn and masterbation. I used to masterbate as much as seven times daily even while having sex. Gave myself death grip syndrome (look it up). I almost completely stopped with porn and masterbate maybe once a week to try to fix it. Took a few months but it seemed to work. I still watch porn and masterbate, but not nearly to the same amount.
stay motivated and active. Work hard at a job you love. Sounds like you are already there. This makes a person happier. Even if you hate your job, working hard at it and being motivated to improve yourself is huge for self happiness.
I'm sure there are others things I have done that helped or that I will remember later, but those are what I have for now.
Never was a heavy drinker. Drank champaigne, wine and beer from time to time. Never to intoxication. Now I hardly drink ever (well maybe a glass of wine once a week)
Hiking you mean take a tent and go somewhere alone? Too cold out there for this... We're almost freezing already.
Masturbation is not a problem for me for almost 5 years now. Never had "compulsive" levels like you describe.
Yeah, read Mastery and trying to find my calling right now. Mostly I'm doing what I like (programming) but maybe I can improve that - looking into it now.
Quite unpopular thing in Russia. Never saw it in common shops, had to google it. Found a place where I could buy them for quite a price (10 euro for 500 grams, that's considering 1000 euro a month is considered a very good salary where I live). How much should I eat daily?
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[deleted] 10y ago
[deleted]
[deleted] 10y ago
I could, but what would that give me?
If I know it's low, then what? I'm doing activities that should make it high - I'm doing male stuff (Krav Maga), I'm lifting heavy weights (doing 5x5 but with dumbbells), I'm engaging in conflicting situations and getting what I want from people, I sleep well and eat well...
If I know it's high, then what? Doesn't help me either.
I'm not dismissing your comment, just please explain my next step after I get some specific number from the level check?
KillYourselfLiving 10y ago
If your testosterone is low you simply go on TRT (testosterone replacement therapy). Either your doctor prescribes it or you go to arlrussia.ru and order some testosterone yourself. Go for 100-200mg of testosterone per week.
People suffering from low testosterone have said that supplementing testosterone has cured many of their problems. Whether it be in bed or anxiety related. Properly inform yourself first though.
[deleted] 10y ago
wait, you cant just order some test online, can you?
KillYourselfLiving 10y ago
Of course you can. I never had any problems with the customs. Way cheaper than buying roids at the gym. Check out eroids.com This is a site where all the roid sources and products get reviewed. Just choose a highly ranked shop near your country of origin and you will have no problems. Use your head though and don't pay with a credit card, choose western union or bank transfer.
edit: Just to clarify. Don't order nothing until you have properly informed yourself about your cycle. If you have no idea what AI, PCT, SERM means or plan on running a cycle without a testosterone base you have no business visiting this site.
[deleted] 10y ago
What kind of doctor should I go to and complain about this thing? What exactly should I complain about for him to send me for testosterone check? Just blatantly tell him I don't want sex anymore, or something else?
ErythraeusAlias 10y ago
If you're in the US, buying test from overseas labs is way too risky with customs and shit. Buy domestic.
Ojisan1 10y ago
You can go to a regular internist, or an endocrinologist. You want to test your total T, as well as LH and FSH levels - these will help determine if your problem is primary or secondary hypogonadism.
If you have primary hypogonadism (your balls simply cannot produce testosterone at a high enough level), or don't care about your ability to make kids, then TRT is good, and probably the only option.
If you have secondary hypogonadism, where your balls can make testosterone but are getting the wrong signals on how much to make, and if you want to preserve your kid-making abilities, there is another treatment option that is an "off label" prescription you can ask your doctor about.
Because it's off-label, not all doctors are familiar with this (endocrinologists would be more likely to know about it than a GP). Send them that PubMed article - your doctor will most likely have a subscription to PubMed and be able to read the full article. If your doctor is not a prick and will actually listen to you, then you might have success with this approach. If not, then maybe find another doctor.
edit: a good layman's article that explains it in pretty simple terms why you want to do these tests before you decide on what course of medical intervention to pursue. http://www.maledoc.com/blog/2010/04/28/how-clomid-works-in-men/
[deleted] 10y ago
Thank you for a detailed answer. Gonna try to get to endocrinologist then.
Ojisan1 10y ago
No problem. Glad I can help.
I also forgot to mention. Clomid (clomiphene) is a heck of a lot cheaper than testosterone, and it's a pill not an injection, so it's easier to take. Just a single pill a day.
[deleted] 10y ago
ありがと、おじさん！
KillYourselfLiving 10y ago
I have no idea how it is in Russia. In my country (central europe) you can simply tell the doctor that you feel lethargic, have a low sex drive and the following blood test is going to be paid by insurance.
[deleted] 10y ago
Yeah, I mean, what doctor? I have to tell what doctor I want to visit. Like, traumatologist, psychiatrist, manual teraphist...? That's how my insurance usually works. Maybe I misunderstand something.
chbar3259 10y ago
Endocrinologist
[deleted] 10y ago
[deleted]
[deleted] 10y ago
I am sorry if I'm blind, but I don't see where it mentions the kind of "doctor" I need to visit.
The way insurance in Russia works (at least my insurance) is if I call them and ask to sign me in, they'll ask "what's the symptom". If I then tell "low sex drive" they'll say "oh well go see a sexologist then, this isn't covered by insurance bye". I can try it tomorrow morning if you want but I'm sure the result will be this. If however I know what kind of doctor I need (that treats low testosterone levels) to go for I can negotiate and maybe get a visit covered by insurance then.
fuckingidiotjunky 10y ago
Endocrinologist
RussSur 10y ago
I bet if you pay close attention, you'll find that your symptoms include:
That combination of symptoms correlates very strongly with low-T.
boxofcookies101 10y ago
Go see a general doctor. They should be able to diagnose testosterone deficiency. Just say whatever you need to to get through the door. If your country has a doctor patient confidentiality clause the doctor won't report what you're talking about.
[deleted] 10y ago
[deleted]
[deleted] 10y ago
Yeah sorry I already found that I missed this paragraph.
SeekingTheWay 10y ago
Porn provides variety that real life can't. It gives you lots of dopamine. Refrain from watching it for at least 3 months. You will recalibrate your body.
asd1100 10y ago
not the same mate
she knows you're a pussy. Also sharing the TRP with her, you are living in a fantasy where she gives a fuck about you more than her principles.
No, you never where able to do your magic. She signed up for a marriage with a a safe beta that does awesome cunninlingus(yes, that is your job description). And now you are trying to renegotiate. You can't.
ding ding. so you have no identity, you are just are as emotionally open as a child. You don't feel like a man because you are just faking it, you have no identity or personal life.
DING DING DING, why are you guity? what makes you feel the need to have a patriagal outerwordly protector. Find what stumpped your emotional developent and you will fix you problem. I won't go into a analisis here, but think about when you first had a sexual encounter(it probably was way before you even understood what that was) You are showing a lot of signs of abuse. Have that checked out.
Yeah i figured that due to her being used to disapointment, I can tell you that certainly her being chubby doesn't help, But your issues are way more deeper.
Didn't knew that was a thing, people that just label bad lifestyles as addictive never tried cocaine.
back to the point about not having a life, no, keep boudaries dude, they are very important to developing a identity. She is not a psychologist and don't you dare share your abused history with her.
You never could, so it's not her feminist aproach of don't be mad just enjoy it and rainbows will apear.
And here you are internalising her bullshit. You SUCK AT SEX you always had, nothing to prove here, now let's move on so we can actually fix the issue. You have a real ISSUE!
Gotta love the christian hypocrisy there. Not really dude, christianity is just a value system that works very well on guilt(not negesaraly for doing something wrong, guilt is a reaction to punishment or something you percieved as punishment) striken people, like TRP works on disinfranchised men. Something else broke you, christianity just happened to be the right size bandaid.
[deleted] 10y ago
So I should NOT be open? But I'm open to you guys, is that bad too? By explaining myself in these posts I really gained a good insight into my problem that I could not do myself!
For example, I thought I'm through with "putting her pleasure as a goal", but it turned out I can't think of anything I want from sex for myself - only for her pleasure. I could only learn that when you guys asked me certain questions that made me try to answer them and showed me I couldn't.
Or do you mean I should only discuss my problems and open myself to anyone BUT my wife?
You mean, intentionally hide something from my wife?
Like, I went to Krav Maga and asbolutely loved it. I want to share with her when she asks "how was my day". I want to share how good it feels to finally be a man again, to experience thrill of battle, to experience being on your limit, etc. Do I not tell her (but only tell my male friends)?
Or I finally confronted that dude on the work and said to his face how he fails to do a basic task because he's lazy to input correct numbers into a web form, and should do it right this time, or I'll go straight to his superiors and blatanly point out that he's to blame for the delay... and I felt justified and proud about it. Do I not tell her in the evening when we discuss how was our day, but just say "yeah fine"?
I'm not arguing, just tell me if it is so, and if you could, explain a little bit what's the mechanic behind it (or what book/paragraph should I study to learn about it).
It is, trust me. It's just not as hard I assume. You live like a zombie, playing games that you don't understand why you're playing, that you always feel bad after you invest over 100 hours and feel bored and feel you wasted your time, but then you start playing another game and it repeats.
Could you please explain what you meant here. You mean I should unlink sex from relationships and start to focus on learning to do fasts? Or do you mean I have had sexual trauma in the past and that made stick the sex back as far as I can into the "bag" that is relationship and that's limiting me?
Well, let's be frank here and maybe you can tell me if that's abuse or not and what do I do with it (I'M OPEN AS A CHILD OMFG!)
My first sexual experience was watching porn tape that my stepfather (my mother's second husband, with who we lived since I was ~12) probably planted for me to find in order to "educate" me. Or maybe not, maybe I really did find his favorite porn tape, w/e. It was some classic films - Lady Dynamite, Femme aux bas Noir, etc. That was when I was around 13. I got quite addicted to masturbating (did it every other day I think, then like 2 times a week). Started seeing porn sites (with pictures, internet was dialup 11.4k back then and we never dreamt we would one day download full hd videos in a blink of an eye). My mother was trying to catch me and shout at me how I'm a pervert and a bad boy, my stepfather was joking about it with a grim, when he'd find me looking at porn on the internet he'd sit there saying "lemme see what kind of women you enjoy" and browse it himself with a kinky smile, he had this idea that enjoying watching naked females is fine for a growing boy and nothing to worry about, and trolled my mother with it, who shouted how he's a pervert and corrupts her angelic boy (to which he reacted in a manner you'd call "passing a shit test" and trolled her even more until she went all red cheeks and capitulated).
My first actual sex with a woman was when I was around 19. She was quite fat. But I was still quite excited because well at least I get to lose my virginity! And she behaved in very seductive manner so... it was very fun and enjoyable. But I was always kinda worried since I came very fast from masturbating that it wouldn't go well. So when it came to sex I had the problems described in the beginning of the post. Came too fast from her just stroking my cock, or couldn't actually maintain erection to have actual sex. But I leanred to do cunnilingus quickly (seen it in porn and well, it worked just as I seen it there) and she's come SO FUCKING LOUD that I enjoyed it quite a lot. But of course, that probably made me think I suck at actual sex because ... well, I lose erection when I even THINK about having PiV, and I come too quickly! She left me after I totally fucked up our relationship with my beta actions. We met again once in a while for the following one or two years, having "fun", discussing our lives and stuff, and then stopped communicating alltogether.
After her I had different girls, all with quite good bodies (IDK how you rate bodies, but well, they were fit, breasts that I like, nice face, long hair etc). One (that we had those public caressing each other under clothes experiences with) I completely failed when I didn't have sex with her after she basically lured me into her home when her parents were still at work (after which she quickly dumped me). Other was a distant relationship (like 1400 km) for about a year. Other was an LTR for about a year or more, she was very shy and silent kind of girl, at first it was awesome, she responded well to my romantic approaches, gifts and events I did, we met frequently etc, but eventually I got extremely bored with her and told her I don't want to see her anymore because I just found out she's too passive for me. Btw she's the only girl who couldn't come from oral sex, no matter how long I tried. Then I had a girl who fell in love with me by looking at my photo and when we finally met it escalated quite quickly... and died off quite quickly as well... And so on, and later I met my wife.
So, what's your conclusion?
If I would try to be overly critical to my "inner hamstering" and be very harsh on myself and disregard my right to actually prefer something, I would say this:
I don't want "fasts" and I bind sex to relationships so much because I always thought I'd fail at sex (since I came too quickly), and from the first sexual encounter I actually had with a girl, I only reinforced that since I had both erection problem and came too quickly. I bind sex to relationships since I understand no woman would like me for sex alone (since it would be inferior to what other guys can give her) (hmm... despite like every woman outright telling me at least 3 times during our relationship "I FELT SO FUCKING GOOD I NEVER FELT SO GOOD IN MY LIFE" after cunnilingus... what's wrong with me?). I think that if we have a stable relationship she'd endure my sexual problems and won't dump me too fast and then I can get used to her and stop having at least erection problems and we can have some resemblance of good sex (I'd still come too fast so it would be inferior to what other guys do anyway).
Is that a true self-assessment? And if so, what do I do to myself to change that, in my current position, PREFERABLY not involving me cheating on my wife (cheating as in "having petting or sex with other woman", approaching or going for a date is fine).
I dunno, another part of me wants to just say "I don't want fasts, it's just not my thing, I enjoy having dates, talking about romantic stuff, escalating kino slowly, making a romantic event out of our first sex together, it's irrelevant that I have sex problems, even if I'd have no sex problems I'd still want to have nothing to do with fasts". I mean, not every TRP man likes fasts, yes?
asd1100 10y ago
Do you want me to think of you as my big bad alpha male? I tought so. These are different things. And I personally respect my bros enough that I would not have this conversation sober. Shamefull confesions should always be done drunk because otherwise that initial respect dwindles.
That is society's fault, I could say I raped jesus and still wouldn't be as hated as saying the object of sex isn't a womans orgasm.
I think that by letting her psychoanalyse you you are trowing away a great deal of your identity and emotional boundaries. That is very harmful to your masculinity. It's like a magician explaining the trick before he performs it.
Not really, you can just say, kicked some ass and took some names. The details are way less important than the attitude. Talk like you feel, don't talk about what you feel.
Yeah, I would avoid work talk personally, it's so boring. Rule of thumb, if you can't remember it in 3 days it's not worth talking about it period. It certainly isn't sexy.
For fuck sake, WHY? It does sound like a addiction but, you get better hits of serotonine by doing jumping jacks, I would imagine it's easy to replace the high.
Yes, I think you associate arousal with shame, guilt or even fear. You repeatedly argued that when you THINK of inserting your penis it dies. That is quite a specific issue.
At least we know where the shame is, I heard worse, so you had no interaction previously with sex or arousal? Why didn't you keep your hobby a secret? Here is where I think you never developed emotional boundaries.
Not saying it's linked but this explains why you don't associate self gratification with sex but you are fixated on pleasuring the woman. If you felt a lot of shame then, it could have associated with your previous mother induced shame and made you think you aren't deserving of orgasms.
I don't get what's your deal with fasts.
Do you feel sexy? I would recommend issuing a no clothes(no lingerie either) around the house policy and raising the restriction on groping. Everything is playable with. Pet touch fondle caress everything to both of your liking. Restrict her orgasm to twice or even once a week on a fixed evening(AND KEEP TO IT, she can masturbate if she must, you are not allowed not make her CUM outside of those special times) that will be all about her, the rest of the time is all about you(your goal is not to cum, but to be aroused and stimulated), it's about getting in touch with the fun simple joy of eroticism. From that inocent apreciation you grow your sexual identity into a curious preteen, a brave mischivious playfull teenager and finally a sexy thirsty man.
Good luck.
oldredder 10y ago
Your dick knows better than to screw girls who aren't that good looking even if you don't.
My dick won't stay hard for a girl less than 8/10 hot. It's not porn or lack of it either, it's that I've had 8-10 and I won't settle for less. I could push it but my dick will go on strike, suggest changes to management on behalf of the union & management will comply (8+ from now on).
Ya, that's brainwashing nonsense: a woman's purpose on Earth is to be lusted by men.
If you can't do that your sex drive must die. There's no gray area.
I also suggest seeing a doctor to ensure your testosterone levels aren't low.
No, it can't, it's just a snapshot of someone else's sex act. The only reason I'm even stimulated by porn at all is seeing close-ups of girls fingering themselves & NOT letting my brain wander to remembering EX-GIRLFRIENDS when I want to get off but I'm not having sex this time either. The last fucking thing I want is to let any part of my subconscious remind me of an ex-bitch I threw away.
I don't care how good the sex was either, if she was a bitch that's what my brain will focus on.
Sorry to read there you're married. That would be the destroyer for me. I can't settle for older women or uglier women & they all get uglier over time so being married & not cheating would mean destroying my sex drive. No way out of it. I'd have to be a man who can live without sex ever again, yet worse, not have my own space for 100% control of my life since there's a wife in my life too.
Couldn't do it. No up-side for me.
[deleted] 10y ago
Well as I said, my dick has no problem whatsowever fucking plump or not plump women. To each their own, mate. I undestand about "brainwashing nonsense" and I'm going to be working on that now. But otherwise we just have different things that arouse us, it seems, and I think it's fine we're different.
Marriage in Russia when you have "resources" can be devoid of western problems. She can't divorce rape me and can't take away my property unfairly. So marriage is fine.
oldredder 10y ago
okay, sounds good. Well... maybe it's the testosterone after all. I hope you get a useful answer from the doctor.
[deleted] 10y ago
Nah, after all your guys wonderful answers, I am absolutely sure it's threefold:
1) My self-esteem is fucked
2) I have destroyed my ability to view women as sexually attractive
3) I have no actual desire to have sex for my own pleasure, but only as a way to give pleasure to the woman - I can't even answer anything to the question "What do you want from sex" without saying something that includes her feelings or pleasure
I won't rule out T, but I'll give myself about two weeks trying to fix these three.
FrameWalker 10y ago
How often do you masturbate? Do you use porn? I'm glad you read sex god method. Sounds like anxiety - which is something I still struggle with from time to time especially with new girls. It helps if I just focus on what I like about the experience - how good their skin feels on mine, how their hair smells. Staring at their beautiful face. Lying against them kissing them will often get me hard when manual stimulation isn't doing the trick.
After doing nofap I've learned that I need to avoid porn at all costs. Even watching a few minutes will harm my erections with women for several days. Breathing helps with lasting longer - long slow deep breaths, go slow when you penetrate.
[deleted] 10y ago
Before this problem, I stopped watching porn and masturbating about 3 months ago. Mostly religious thing, but I also thought "okay if I'm not masturbating and not watching porn I'd have more vibrant feelings during actual sex".
I also tried to stop myself from "looking at women with lust". (I was never the "follow every woman's ass with your head when you walk" guy, I always resented it especially since one of my buddies always did it when we were going somewhere together, but I frequently would picture women naked in my mind if I saw a sexy woman even for a moment).
This was when we started having more sex so I also thought I no longer need to masturbate and watch porn, and I thought that I'm picturing women naked because I watched too much porn and became a pervert.
After the problem happened, as I said, I tried once just to check if I can still get excited looking at sexy women. I definetly can and quite easilly. Didn't try anymore yet. Wife said I should have "fun" watching porn to release the "locks" I've put on my sexual desire when I tried to stop fantacising about other women
oldredder 10y ago
For about 3 months I stopped all masturbation. I was too busy doing tons of other things, seldom had time alone at all. My sex drive almost erased itself from that.
All this nonsense saying to never masturbate anymore is very, very bad advice. Its the only threat ever in my life to erase my sex drive. Never again.
H3lius 10y ago
Religious? Well there is your problem. You have what I like to call american sex shame. I was raised to be shamed about sex and feeling sexual feelings. Getting over it is hard, but you have to abandon your beliefs that something natural and wonderful as sex is bad. I had to abandon the god I was raised with for that reason. I can either have a terrible existence in fear, or live my life without guilt and have no regrets.
STOP FEELING SHAME AND GUILT ABOUT SEX.
[deleted] 10y ago
Thing is I do not. I'm not your typical Orthodox Christian. I never thought oral sex, contraception, BDSM, doggy style, coming on her breasts/face/mouth, exhibitionism or anything like that about sex was shameful and never felt guilty having sex. Well maybe I felt guilty masturbating since parents would try to catch me but I got over it when I started living alone. I never thought masturbation is forbidden by Bible (it's really not, Onan's sin was different).
I think that cheating, threesomes, wifesharing and stuff is off limits. Even thought I can't deny I get excited watching threesomes porn, I never fantacise about it and never wanted it. I never wanted to cheat either. I had an experience similar to cheating once (basically I fooled a little bit watching porn with an ex while I had a stable relationship with my girlfriend of that time) and felt horrible about doing it. That's as close as I came to cheating. Idea of wifesharing, swingers and w/e other polygamy is just stupid to me.
I thought anal sex is disgusting, but only because I didn't want my cock to be put into fecies. I tried to reason it to my wife as religious but I always knew that was the only reason. Once I fixed that misconception I no longer have anything against it.
I was never shameful about sexual feelings - I loved it. My most vivid sexual experience was caressing a girl under her clothes while we were sitting on a bench in a quite public place or on a staircase of a public flat building, people could come out and notice us anytime. Never felt any shame about it - but tremendous pleasure. Well maybe I'd feel ashamed if we'd be caught but mostly because I'd inconvinience someone else (like an old man who's last had sex 10 years ago), not because I want to caress a girl's tits or clit or have her stroke my cock.
EDIT: Just figured, maybe what you meant by me having shame is the way I interpreted "do not look at women with lust" as "do not ever fantacise about women other than your wife"?
FrameWalker 10y ago
Good, keep staying off of porn. It takes more than 3 months to recover. Some take up to a year or more.
Re-examine your beliefs about sex. Come to your own conclusions. Is the religious sexual restraint meant for alphas or betas?
Is there anything wrong with enjoying a nice view, seeing the beautiful women of the world, and feeling a tingle in your crotch signaling your body is ready to pound? You are a 150-250 lb piece of copulating flesh. You're hard wired for it. Your wife is ok with you looking at other women, why aren't you?
Best of luck man. Whatever path you choose, accept it.
[deleted] 10y ago
You mean, the commandment to limit yourself to one wife is made for betas and since I pursuit alpha qualities I should disregard it and start cheating on my wife? Or do I misunderstand?
I will probably stay off porn (not a problem to me anymore) but I don't see how it can actually be a cause since as I said I haven't had it for several months and certainly it wasn't the trigger to what happened to me now...
mustang_mike 10y ago
He didn't say to cheat on your wife, he said: "Re-examine your beliefs about sex. Come to your own conclusions."
Many religious views on sex are... dysfunctional, to put it nicely. If religion is getting in the way of you having a fulfilling sex life, then you need to sit down and examine your views. If a particular view is in opposition to what your religion says, but you have solid reasons to hold that view, then disregard what the religion says.
Catholicism's (recently reversed) view on birth control, for example. If you think using birth control is the responsible thing to do, then use it and let go of the Catholic guilt. If you sit down and really think about it, and you decide that you were wrong and the religion was right, then change your actions to fit your newly affirmed beliefs. Either way, you become better for it.
totorox 10y ago
Religious rules are not meant to create hedonistic people looking for pleasure as a way of life. They are meant to uphold the survival and prosperity of a people over the very long term. That means having stable marriages so that children can grow under two parents without the threat of divorce and the separations and abandonments it produces, not to mention the dysfunction of the parents thrown into insecurity by anti-family laws.
The christians BTW are corrupted just like the rest of society by feminism; christian women only give lip service to traditional values but keep the prerogatives (all privileges, no responsibilities) of secular women granted to them by the cultural marxist state, thus ruining their families and children like every other women.
White european christian peoples have fertility rates not only below replacement level, but even below salvageable level. That means the disappearing of the white christian population in the medium term. What you or OP thinks is irrelevant in front of demographic forces. If you think birth control is great, you are actually thinking that the disappearing of white people is great. Because that's factually what it is producing, along with other anti-natality devices and norms.
Yeah that speech you're relaying is getting old. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIdBuK7_g3M This video may seem all kinds of lame but it's packed with red pill.
Guilt is a tool used by all religions and ideologies, including the one you're promoting. The dividing line though is that traditional religions are meant to sustaining survival and prosperity on the long term of the people who adopt them, whereas secularism as you're promoting is meant and designed to corrupt and destroy the people who adopt it. All in the name of pleasure, freedom and liberation from guilt and these nasty outdated notions like responsibility, duty and conscious. Although secularism uses guilt-tripping as well, but still always with the objective of destroying the people who adopt that ideology.
Yes personal, short term, selfish, self-destructive pleasure comes second. Pleasure is just a biological guide. Also there is something to say about delayed satisfaction versus instant gratification. Building on the long term provides some pleasure of a very different kind than the short term pleasures that go along with self destruction.
Before people assume I'm advising pleasure-less relationship, hold your fire. I'm prioritizing, or re-prioritizing. Babies are driven by the search for pleasure. Growing up means learning the values of different types of pleasure and to prioritize wisely between them.
Not if you realize you were wrong after having ruined your life and your family... and your people is going down the garbage bins of history. It will be your children and grandchildren who will realize you were wrong, then.
lakingscrzy 10y ago
I made the conversion from protestant Christianity to traditional Catholicism and the philosophical shift has definitely helped. Puritanism was a stain on the faith and caused way more problems than it solved. You need to focus less on total abstinence and more on temperance. It's about self control and not self denial.
If you see a hot girl with leggings riding up her ass walking down the street, of course you're going to have a physical reaction, it's something you can't control. And the more you try and force your thoughts away the more they will fixate. So look, appreciate her beauty, then move the fuck on. Temptation is not sin, acting on temptation is. You're making sex a bigger deal than it needs to be. This is where your wife is correct, you've over analyzed everything and clouded your head.
And cut out the porn. Your body and mind works in patterns and cycles. If you constantly wake up for work at 6 everyday, eventually your brain will start to wake up before your alarm. If you teach your brain that you need porn to be aroused, it's going to expect it every time. You need a paleo sex diet.
And it wouldn't hurt if you convinced your wife to work out a bit too. If she isn't putting off pheromones because she's stagnate she's not helping your problem.
totorox 10y ago
It's not a physical reaction, it's first and foremost a mental one. Energy follows thought. You are the master of your mind, if you want to. We are not reptiles. We have also a mammalian complex and a cortex. We have heart feelings that are designed and meant to bypass or drive the biological reactions.
You only can't control your reaction to a sexual signal if you don't control your sexual life. Just withholding masturbation for a few days already changes such so called "involuntary" reactions. It is an addiction we either submit to or refrain from. The choice isn't in front of the piece of ass in the street, but in our mind when we choose to indulge, or not, at fantasizing and masturbating.
Yes that's a good point.
But temptation rises from the indulging into "sinful" practices. Sin means "missing the mark". Fornicating means "worshiping the body instead of the life that inhabits it".
Pretty good. And a paleo food diet. Juiced raw fruits and veggies do wonders to the stress and vitality levels.
[deleted] 10y ago
Yeah I guess that's what happened. Instead of learning to resist temptation I learned to cut off the feelings. And well, succeeded...
oldredder 10y ago
That's the purpose of religious brainwashing: cut off all normal drives in your life so there's nothing left but to work & put money in the church.
That's why I reject all religion - it's bad for us as humans. It's bad for you right now.
[deleted] 10y ago
I disagree.
What was bad for me is being weak and trying to find a way to hamster my weakness into something okay.
The more I think about Christianity with TRP swallowed, the more I see I just tried to take shelter in it from being a coward, a pussy, failing in life and being a worthless beta. That was my mistake, not God's mistake. Sure, there were (and are) people who misunderstood the same way or saw opportunity to twist it the same way and exploit other people. Like priests that said that any sex not aimed at conception is sinful, or that any sex in non-missionary position is sinful, etc. They are the problem, not God.
Right now I'm kinda re-learning Christianity and it feels awesome, because everything comes together. It's like equipping a shining set of full body armor exoskeleton that was sitting in a backpack behind your back before. It was a heavy weight and a nuisance before, and now it fits perfectly and greatly improves your abilities!
oldredder 10y ago
Sure, ya that's kinda why I said 'religion' rather than 'faith'. I am an atheist but if you have 'faith' in a god that's not the same thing as a human-made, human-run religion running you right into the ground for the benefit of the people running it.
Hopefully you find your path well this way. Atheism is the only path for me but I'm not going to push on that for you.
[deleted] 10y ago
Well, you're right.
Faith is important. Religion is only worth it as a way to preserve faith through generations. Like, if there would be no Orthodox and Catholic Church, how would you still have the books and acts of saints intact up to 1900 years after they were written? They would be modified and changed beyond reason, like how Jehovah's Witnesses constantly alter Bible to suit their needs, or how certain modern preachers refuse to talk about parts in Old Testament where David sins with Bathsheba (they'd rather remove this part from the book alltogether).
So religion is important if it preserves faith, but everything else (rituals, prayer books, traditions, clothing styles...) you can utilise to you preference (or do without).
jdpruitt 10y ago
tl;dr
Goldfulgore 10y ago
Your problem seems to be mainly psychological.
There are so many problems with your post and your replies to comments here.
You seem to have the impression that sex is evil and a bad thing. You are afraid to show your desires as a man and that is mostly your religion's fault.
I will quote some of the things you said
You are ashamed of your desires as a man.
Why do you deny your nature as a man?
Focus on "I do not pursue my own desires" This is your MAIN problem. The book pointed it out clearly to you BUT You read the Sex god book and your focus went back to her.
You have performance anxiety because you always were focused on your wife's pleasure instead of your own. You never fixed this and you are still doing it.
Put your religion aside for a moment and be honest with yourself. You can't get your dick hard anymore with your wife because you are a MAN and you do not find her arousing anymore. I know you will deny it. I know you think about morality, but morality has no place for sexual desire.
Bullshit. No man is aroused with that kind of shit. (validation from a woman during sex?) Men are visual. That's why you get it hard with porn and not with your wife. You are delusional and you ignore your urges as a man. You are not attracted to her anymore, accept for it is what it is.
Edit: I am a orthodox Christian like you. Religion has always tried to contain society with it's fucked up rules. Sex is not evil and you should focus on yourself as a man and your desires.
[deleted] 10y ago
I wanted to stop "looking at women with lust" because I misunderstood the commandment of God, that I, as a Christian, try to abide by.
I tried to see it as:
What I see it now (you may call it hamstering, is it btw?) is like this:
Is this still not good? Do you think monogamous relationships are incompatible with having alpha traits?
About the focus back to her - yes, I feel this may be it. I'm trying to make her love/want me again, while instead I should not care about her at all - I should care about making myself lovable/wantable and then just see if she loves/wants me, and if not - give her some time, then ping her with an ultimatum, and then leave. Right?
Can you advise me HOW do I actually break free from this? I am succeptible to autotraining but I'm terrible at making the line for it. Like, watched some popular guy video who tells you to get into rage and shout at yourself in the mirror "I am whole! I am perfect! I am strong! I am powerful!" - this works on me, but if I try to re-create it in Russian I fail (I thought since it's my native language, it should work better in Russian since I must be "thinking" in Russian, right?). Whatever I come up with sounds silly and does not move me a bit. Or maybe there's another way? I believe this might be the problem but I do not see how do I really force myself to accept it (so that I truly stop trying to please her, instead of continuing to do what I'm doing while "knowing" I don't have to do it)
About "no man is aroused by that kind of shit" I must argue. You know about /r/gonewildaudio? Well I find that 100x more erotic, exciting and sexy than /r/gonewild. My personal preference. There are countless people like me. Am I bad for that? Is this some beta thing? If so please explain. Then, do you know there are people focused on audio, video, or kinestetic perception of the world? In pickup articles in Russian we're told about that since it applies to sex too - and if you figure your girl's main way of percieving the world you can focus your efforts. So, I am really way more attracted to sound and feelings than to imagery! Porn with false moaning or just music is way less attractive to me. And of course it applies to the rest of my life - I'm prone to really falling in love with certain songs or tunes, I can literally rave to the music, I feel intense feelings listening to, say, Adagio in G- by Albioni, but some friends I know can't feel such feelings from music. I just love how some fabrics or items feel (or hate how some other things feel). I also get cringes when I hear certain sounds like metal on glass while many people I know (both men and women) do not care. I am also very sensitive to tickling.
About me no longer attracted to my wife I would agree 100%, IF I would be attracted to someone else. Do I get you correctly, you think that the problem is:
I'm not trying to prove you wrong or debunk you, I just want to give you more information about me and tell you where I think you make incorrect assumtions about me. I value your response and I'd appreciate if you could respond to me again. Thanks!
bicepsblastingstud 10y ago
No more pornography.
thepillwastaken 10y ago
Sounds like you have a lot of issues related to self-esteem. There is a lot of stuff going on there. Not sure where to start, but figure out how to deal with all this anxiety. Your post reeks of it. It was a tough read.
Also, stop telling your wife every single thing about TRP and everything else you are thinking about. My god, give her some mystery. Be a man and figure some of this shit out on your own.
life = not a romance movie. You don't have to tell your wife about all your sexual inadequacy. She's not going to give you any real answers anyway.
[deleted] 10y ago
Sorry it was a tough read, but I had to tell you the truth. Well, yes it very well may be self esteem. WHAT do I do about self esteem then?
Thing is, I've got quite enough to be sure of. I earn much. I have good programming skills. I am getting stronger. I have cunning and intelligence, I'm smart. I've achieved stuff in life (like, was playing Q-Zar, basically a team sport, for several years and won many city-wide prizes on torunaments) And so on. But I'm still low on self esteem (and seems like I have always been).
Do I just reason with myself? Or what?
[deleted] 10y ago
This is my favorite response to OP. And to add with my similar experience: I just broke up with a girl, 31, and I'm 27. Not unlike the OPs situation, I had lost sexual drive with her. Of course, I haven't lost my sexual drive for beautiful thin 18 year olds, which I will now be moving on to. OP is against this surely, but it would be the best for him IMO in the long run.
boxofcookies101 10y ago
Like I have also encountered what you're talking about. The drive to just go fuck women is gone. Feels like the sex drive is gone. And I would say take steps to begin to sexualize women once again. Because sexual arousal is like 50% mental man. Make it a unconscious act to sexualize women. Who gives a fuck if your looking at a chick. It's what guys do.
In addition how does blowjobs work? Do you get hard and enjoy those? If so, you could transition from mid blowjob to PiV and then get lost in the pussy man.
Also i'd recommend thinking about your fantasies and what you personally enjoy during sex. And then try to make those things a part of your sex life. Explore your body a bit man. Legit. Hell even try a prostate massage. Also not everyone is a dominant person in bed. If being a sub in bed gets your rocks off so be it.
An addition to losing the boner when going into PiV try just being entirely in the moment. Enjoy the kisses the body on body feel. Don't worry about your erection. Don't worry about shit man. Just focus on the feeling. Don't worry about not worrying either. Just take some deep breaths and clear your mind.
[deleted] 10y ago
Okay maybe you're right. I have to not only just play eye contact, but actively sexualise. It will get wierd I guess but I'll try tomorrow and see how it goes.
Blowjobs do work. Thing is, before this happened, I could have a blowjob for some time, and then have PiV for about 4 minutes until I come. Now I just come in a minute from blowjob. Last time we managed to do what you described - I just came in the pussy again in under like 20 seconds. No pleasure to me, no pleasure to her.
I'll think about fantasies. Thing is I tried to imagine and write down the response, andI cannot - it's plagued with "giving her pleasure" so I guess this is another one of these "I'm focused on her instead of me" problems.
Enjoying the moment and cleaning mind didn't work. We tried several times yesterday. I seem to be uncapable of fooling myself :(
EDIT: The more I think about "Fantasies" and "What I want" the more I feel like this is a major problem. All I want from sex is centered on her. I want to last longer (to "fuck her properly" or "make her experience vaginal orgasm" or "to make her really addicted to me"), I want to try some pose (to make it better for her)... I never want anything for myself it seems?
boxofcookies101 10y ago
Dude don't sweat it. Your one of those guys that giving your partner pleasure. I'm very similar. I derive pleasure from knowing that i'm doing my job well. I consider sex something like a craft or an art. Think about using her to fulfill your sexual desire. Her pleasure can still be a part of that you know? But the end goal of why you're doing this has to revolve around you. Most women will mold to your sexual desires. If they like a dominant man in bed woman in bed they want to be used to fulfill your desires. You follow me? And they enjoy it.
Alright So have you had the experience of ever lasting 20-30+ minutes in bed? Like I mean 30 minutes of straight thrusting. Can you cum multiple times? Have you tried cumming multiple times in one night?
The secret that i've found is relaxing. Remember to deep breath and relax. Don't mechanize the sex. But realize how to manually lower your arousal level. And realize at what point to do this to avoid going over the edge.
But when I first started having sex with this one chick I would cum almost instantly yo. Like 4 thrusts and cumming. I'd put on another condom and the same thing. Arousal level for me was too overwhelming. I wasn't in control of my dick. And even now if i'm extremely aroused I'll cum faster than I'd like.
I also agree with the edit:
Those aren't Fantasies those are similar to goals. Just imagine your ideal sexual encounter with your wife.
However if you want try these goals instead:
1.) I want to last longer because I enjoy sex and I want it to last longer. Why? Because I love to see her moan.
2.)I want to fuck her so well that i'll blow her mind. Why? Because I take pride in my ability to fuck and She'll be putty in my hands afterwards.
3.)I want to try new poses because I want to see her moan in ways that I've never heard before. I want to hear that deep uncontrollable moan.
See the difference between my goals and yours. While they both want to accomplish the exact same thing. Check the frame.
Enjoy_The_Decline 10y ago
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Puzomor 10y ago
Masturbation is the problem.
When you have actual sex, your brain connects the good feel you get from it to the act of having sex with a woman.
When you watch porn and masturbate, things are still not entirely lost. Your brain connects the good feel with the act of looking at other women. That is why some guys suffer from premature ejaculation - the sight of a naked woman tells the brain that it's time.
BUT when you fantasize to masturbate. Things get out of control. Brain no longer sees the physical connection between orgasm, sex and the pleasure of actually finishing. When you solo fantasize you mostly close your eyes. Every part of your connection to the real world breaks and sex becomes something your brain does with itself. When you get to physical part with someone else, brain no longer cares for any sexual act this is not strictly psychological.
oldredder 10y ago
NO, lack of masturbation could be the problem, never training himself to hold an erection and last a long time. The woman's tried, give her credit for that, but he can't expect her to be on-call every time he's got a spare moment to practice working up to an erection & just holding it.
What his real problem sounds like, is either a lack of testosterone or his wife is not pretty enough, not hot enough, and his brain at some level has had enough & said "you can't force me to do this anymore, I can do better and I'm done."
That's why for me 8-10 is my only choice. Below 8 girls are not pretty enough. Even at 8 if she's any kind of entitled princess, NEXT. For all the bullshit trouble I'll aim right for 10. I will not tolerate bullshit female nonsense without the maximum gain (10 hotness) and that's because I know the real value of that pussy - minimal - even if she thinks I don't know it.
That's the whole point of game, is to ensure she does know that I know it so she drops the entitled princess act. I'll have none of it. Make her ugly on top? Of course it's a boner-killer.
It's not porn - it's having real standards.
Refusing every kind of sexual pleasure to make yourself so desperate you'd be thankful to fuck a 3/10 is a pathetic, sad, wrong way to live.
Puzomor 10y ago
I'm not saying he should refuse masturbation, just not do it by pure fantasy. It's a brain function killer. Watching porn is the best way to go if you have to masturbate.
oldredder 10y ago
No one's tested that with science to be sure. Fantasy vs external visual stimulus? Really? No. Do whatever you like. Neither is harming brain function.
needathrowawayplease 10y ago
You have officially spent 1000% more time than the average man has on how to perform well in bed. And this obsession with performance is actually what has sabotaged you currently.
In your post and all of your comments here all you demonstrate is that this isn't about feeling pleasure for you, it's about making sure you are good enough at sex for your wife.
YOU ARE REALLY INSECURE.
YOU VIEW SEX AS A PERFORMANCE IN WHICH THE QUALITY OF YOUR PERFORMANCE MEASURES YOUR SEXUAL ABILITIES AND MASCULINITY.
These beliefs are what is making you have problems.
There's nothing wrong with your hormones. There's nothing wrong with your dick.
It's psychological.
Until you stop putting pressure on yourself to do a "good job" at sex and stop worrying about "performing well" you won't be able to enjoy it. Literally.
Because of your warped mentality, you should only be doing something in sex because you feel like it and want to, not because you think it will give her more pleasure. You need to change your entire mindset and BECOME SELFISH. You are a selfless lover. Too selfless. To fix this you must view her as a sex object and be selfish.
[deleted] 10y ago
That's why I wrote so much. So you see the picture. So I can't hide my true nature even if I try to (you can read through the lines).
Yes, I see now that it's most likely this. Thank you. I really don't think its testosterone (well I'll go check it if after a week or two of conscious effort I won't progress at all). It is indeed I am just... warped in terms of sex. Warped and FUBAR.
One question: what is the best way to fix this? I can just do autotrainings - read some mantra to myself over and over - it works, BUT as I said before, I can hardly make one myself - whatever I write sounds silly and my mind won't accept it. Otherwise... well I can spend some time self-reflecting on this and trying to reason with myself? Or what else?
needathrowawayplease 10y ago
You wrote above how you tried to stop seeing other women sexually. I believe it is this mindset change that is the primary problem.
I'm not sure how you change this but I think you need to try to think perverted thoughts about your wife. I think you have to just try to imagine as many nasty sexual things about her as possible, picture her doing whatever is sexy to you.
I think you NEED to think about her as a sex object for a while until you bring your perspective slightly more back towards normal. And honestly, I know you said you wanted to lose desire for all other women, but I think you should fantasize about other women too and picture having sex with them when you are out and about.
Masonjarteadrinker2 10y ago
Have you been masturbating a lot and watching a lot of porn?
Humankeg 10y ago
Here is my advice, and some things that I did that may or may not have fixed me:
work out. Tired and draining at first, no desire for sex. Stuck with it. Stamina went up, I imagine test also up. Not completely drained after a while, and desire for sex way up.
eating. Lots of protein, veggies. Eat healthy. Heavy foods would make me tired and lazy.
drinking. Used to be (still am, but Farley) a heavy, several times a week drinker. Now I drink heavy once every few weeks. I can't handle high amounts of alcohol well anymore, and get whiskey dick or lack or desire any time I drink more than a few. Reduce alcohol intake.
hikes. Hiking and being in nature has been proven to reduce stress and depression and help relax. I won't try to find the link but it has been posted here on reddit. Stress and depression have a negative affect on libido.
reduced porn and masterbation. I used to masterbate as much as seven times daily even while having sex. Gave myself death grip syndrome (look it up). I almost completely stopped with porn and masterbate maybe once a week to try to fix it. Took a few months but it seemed to work. I still watch porn and masterbate, but not nearly to the same amount.
I'm sure there are others things I have done that helped or that I will remember later, but those are what I have for now.
[deleted] 10y ago
[deleted] 10y ago
Have you tried brazil nuts? They seemed to make my sex drive go up when I was eating them daily
[deleted] 10y ago
Quite unpopular thing in Russia. Never saw it in common shops, had to google it. Found a place where I could buy them for quite a price (10 euro for 500 grams, that's considering 1000 euro a month is considered a very good salary where I live). How much should I eat daily?
bicepsblastingstud 10y ago
Eating brazil nuts is not the remedy you should be pursuing.
1) Get your testosterone levels checked.
2) No more porn.
3) Do your best to stop feeling guilty about wanting to have sex with women. Read more about healthy male sexual desires.
[deleted] 10y ago
2-3 nuts a day.
One bag should last awhile
[deleted] 10y ago
[deleted]
teeelo 10y ago
This is exactly the kind of frivilous comment we are warned about not doing in the latest Sticky Post.