I know this isn’t TRP specific but I wanna see what likeminded men think about this.
I’m 22, recently graduated from a good school with high grades and no debt (thanks dad), and landed a pretty decent job for my age. I recently found a place to move to near my work where I’d live alone but my family is guilt tripping me for doing so.
My mother cries whenever she brings up the subject and my father keeps reminding me how he paid for my education as if by not moving out I am somehow paying him back. My father is always at work so I am usually doing the heavy lifting at home like fixing shit, car maintenance, carry out grocieries, my family’s taxes, etc. And I know that when I move out they have to learn how to do all these things themselves, but they are refusing.
For example, I asked my 19 year old sister to watch me doing HER taxes so she can do them next year alone, and she refused to do so and had my parents side with her as if I am the tax-man of my family and it’s my duty to file their taxes until the day I drop. I tried to teach them other basic shit I do like changing car oil and windshield fluid and all that, they refuse.
Idk what to do. I want to move out so bad but I don’t want to hurt my ties with my parents and deep down I know that they’ll go through a rough patch when I move out given they depend on me for many things
Wtf do I do
Terdmuffin 5y ago
Move out.
FereallyRed 5y ago
You have to live your own life. Move the fuck out.
0pportunisticc 5y ago
Why the Fuck does every one encourage this guy to move out? Are you all poor? Use the money you save from living with parents to invest.
Atheist_Utopia 5y ago
You have no idea what it means to live with narcissistic, controlling parents.
Cloak_and_Rose 5y ago
Everybody said it, but yeah, move
Olram_Sacul 5y ago
Again, Move out
GlobalArachnid 5y ago
They've got their own life.
You've got yours.
However your parents end up is their own fault. They don't want their adult son to leave the house? They need a crash course on human psychology and a firm but harsh "get the fuck over it". It's their fault they expect their adult son to stay in their little suburb for the rest of his life when there's a whole world out there.
Who cares what culture they belong to? I'll assume that they live in the western world. That makes you part of the western world. And the western world allows people to take full control of their lives without their parents dragging them down.
SubstantialBeanBoi 5y ago
uhhhhhh why can't your grown, adult parents do their own taxes? Laziness? Retardation? That's straight up unacceptable, especially with turbo tax. Move out lol.
BPasFuck 5y ago
OP, ultimately you will have to make your own choice. Do so after weighing the pros and cons.
Reading your post, I am detecting a lot resentment beneath the gratitude you feel toward your parents for financing your education.
You are obviously feeling put-upon for having to do all of the 'man-work' around the house.
And, there's also the problem with becoming a man while still living at home.
And, your logistics re: the laydeez are necessarily more complicated.
Those are all good reasons to move out.
Let's talk about why you might want to stay:
-Not because you "owe" anyone anything.
+Because you can really save some scratch, and stack away the money you'll be earning on the job.
Rent/Property Taxes are the biggest expense you will have in life. Followed by transportation.
If you can stomach staying at home-- my advice is to stack bills until you can afford to purchase a small apartment building.
Say, 3-5 units. Move into one. Hire a property management company to deal with filling the others. Tell none of your tenants that you're the owner.
The money you make off the tenants should pay for the property taxes.
Congratulations-- renters are paying for your housing. You can continue to stack cash at your day job, while avoiding some of the bigger headaches of being a landlord.
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sanos7 5y ago
It’s not that black and white. Good points on both sides.
Yes, family is important. Within a family everyone takes care of one another. This is way better than depending on the state. If you feel your parents took/are taking good care of you while you are young, then there is great honor in taking care of them when they’re old.
But everyone has to pull their weight. Within a lot of families the workload and balances can be way off.
A lot of the comments in this thread showcase projection on the poster’s part. The answer to your question depends a lot on your individual situation. Gathering advice, insight and other’s experiences is valuable, but ultimately it’s your choice. That’s what being a man is about. That’s what TRP is about.
Some importantl questions: Why do you want to move out? What are your goals short term and long term? How do you get along with you family members?
LLL3peat 5y ago
Slowly start doing less. It might be hard at first but they will live. Again you are growing up and can't help them all forever. Some families want assistance 24/7 and some don't. The goal is to slowly reduce their dependency on you.
No need to make it mean or cold blooded or eventful, but you've made a decision and stick to it really. You can always offer to help on weekends or whenever you have time, but as you are leaving the nest, you now have your own responsibilies to focus on first.
Them refusing to learn tasks is not your fault, it's the clutch or way they can try and keep you around. Otherwise they will have to hire people to fix things. It is what it is unfortunately.
Rosace_89 5y ago
poor peoples, how wil they change their blinkers fluid? =(
Move out OP.
forsaken_in_the_dark 5y ago
Tell them they are crabs in the bucket and you'll have none of it.
Ask them if they want you to be a crab like they are or something more than this?
Why would your dad put so much money in your education only to have a handyman and a tax aid at home? Isn't that just plain stupid? You don't need education for that.
It is their duty to give their child education. If they feel sour about it, then why they had you in the first place? So you are their pet?
Just move the fuck out and don't look back.
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You might want to calculate how much your father paid for your education and pay him at some point if this is so important to him. Could be in monthly instalments so he could hire someone to do groceries and taxes.
TheStumblingWolf 5y ago
You will never become a man if you stay in an environment where you're treated like a kid.
ReasonablyGoodMexica 5y ago
Remember what's usually said here about thinking FIRST about how shit affects you? Yeah. It's either moving out and sorting that shit or staying, getting resentful and hating their guts for 'holding you back'. One bucket of shit or the other.
As I see it, at least the first bucket of shit makes everyone grow as a result.
shady_nasty_mf 5y ago
they didn't raise you and pay for your education out of the goodness of their hearts, your parents raised you to be their retirement plan. they are narcissistic.
if you stay with them, you'll be bitter and resent every day of the rest of their lives, possibly even after they pass because you'll be thinking about the life you could have lived.
Atheist_Utopia 5y ago
Exactly. All these others just giving advice while not having narcissistic parents. It's a fucking world of difference.
kellykebab 5y ago
Don't think twice about it. You should move out as soon as you are able. Your family is clearly overly dependent on you.
My family was nice enough to say that I could move back in if I needed to, but we all assumed I'd be gone as soon as I went to college. And I was.
If you wanted to hang around your family, I see nothing wrong with that. But you don't. So leave.
You should also go cold turkey on helping them with their responsibilities. This is only going to get worse with time unless you put your foot down. I'd do a full year moratorium on anything no matter how small or minor the request is just to establish a precedent.
TheAnticuckhold 5y ago
Throw them into cold water by moving out swiftly without a hint of hesitation. They WILL cry, wine, beg, criticize, guilt trip you but at the end they'll find a way to cope. They are adults as are you.
wheel_ 5y ago
Your parents didn’t grow up and accept the fact that you are an adult with your own responsibilities. Family bonds do not mean they are entitled to ask you to do tasks they can do or must know how to do on their own.
Move out.
RedKnightTime 5y ago
Let her cry. Let him cry too. You're a fucking grown-ass man.
Then stop doing her fucking taxes and all of this other shit. Jesus Christ dude. You aren't their fucking custodian.
Tough fucking shit. They can handle their own lives. You're fucking 22. Quit acting like they're these helpless retards who can't figure out how to make their cars run without you the super savior there to hold their hands through every goddamn thing.
Fuck.
huggyblossom 5y ago
Family IS important, but you are a man and as a man you have to be on your own, until you find a wife to give you children and makee your own family.
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You need to be single just for the fact that you have this chance. You have the freedom to bring any girl you want, to bring friends any time you want, you have no one but you to be judge of your actions and so on. Also you will learn to live on your own - do laundry, dishes, clean, cook and etc. simple activities you usually neglect when living with mommy.
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And given you have the chance to be in your own place at 22, DO IT. You won't regret it - your sex life at least will be WAYS EASIER and better.
_the_shape_ 5y ago
Don't wait for the 'perfect opportunity'. The time piles on faster than you can imagine. I wanted to shoot across the country shortly after graduating at 18, so I decided I'd do it as soon as I graduated from college. Slipped into a nearly 5 year long LTR at your age, and my plan of moving out of state got further delayed. Before this gets long-winded, the condensed very of the story is that more stuff took place, more life happened, and I didn't finally take the plunge until I was 32 (I'm 36 now).
My biggest regret is not doing it sooner. Grab your balls and go for it. I'm not under the impression that your family needs you because someone is physically handicapped and/or gravely ill. Sounds to me more like they have a straight up parasitic dependency of you borne of laziness. You can always move to a closer location some time down the line, but don't let time keep slipping.
ChadTheWaiter100 5y ago
Not saying you should but if you really felt inclined you could still do their taxes if you’re moved out. That shouldn’t be a heavily weighted reason to stay.
JeffPrince 5y ago
don't listen to these guys. Family is literally the most important thing in life. And you're lucky to have one that cares about you this much. 22 is still very young. Stay with your family for a few more years and save money.
Flozo22 5y ago
I can understand this guy completely. I would say to move out. He has no student loans, relatively young, has a decent job. He's in a better place than a lot of us guys when we were/are the same age. The years that he chooses to stay back home, he'll never get back and don't live life with those types of regrets.
gains_o_clock 5y ago
Bro stop listening to these other retards commenting. You can't just cut your family off and leave them crying and sad that you move away. Your parents sacrificed so much and paid for your college and raised you so obviously they love you and are attached.
Not saying you shouldn't eventually move out of course, but for now it may not be the best option. I'd recommend living at home and teaching them the things they rely on you for. That way you can save a bunch of money from your presumably well paying job and start your savings early while complying with your family's wishes. It doesn't seem like you're moving out for any reason besides the fact that you can. Your family seems really nice.
Also, make your sister do her own taxes that's one thing that pissed me off (I'm the same age as her and work and go to college). She's entitled as hell and as her older brother it's on you to teach her a bit better if your parents are spoiling her like this. Also, your dad should know how to do basic car maintenance stuff as well. It seems like they're just relying on you because they're lazy and that's why they don't want you to go. That has to change before you leave though.
Be a man and deal with the problems instead of doing what everyone else above is suggesting and running away. Good luck bro, and there are definitely better people here that can give you better advice than a kid like me but that's my take on it. Stay on the warpath