Not fully TRP yet but getting there. Still, I'll share some stuff with you because I was in that dark place, escaped and now I am unbreakable.

You do not find happiness, you make it yourself.

Replace Martial arts with a better, practical sport: boxing or MMA or kickboxing. My choose is MMA because it is more of a street fight in which you must use everything (head, fists, legs, etc). It's like being prepared for everything but not specific.

Now, about happiness: -get your fking playlist up (DM me if you want me to share my spotify playlist) that makes you happy or good. I'm really into hip hop and rap. You may see it as nothing but it is a constamt reminder for what you fight for.

-man up, the bible and society tells you to love your parent no matter what which is wrong because some parents are f.up like my mom (alchoolic, abusive, colossal bitch, maniac, manipulator, etc). If you love her for real, that's cool, if not that's cool also. Basically acknowladge your feelings towards her, accept and embrace them and the truth will set you free (that does not mean that you must be shitty to your mom if you hate her).

-get out alone in parks or nice places where you are by yourself and consume things that you like (coffe, tea, water, cigarettes, music, warm sun on your back, calm and chill of the place, etc.) and don't think deep, just observe and apprecciate what's around and in time together with other staff you will find the enjoyment of life.

-man up, fix and do the things that depend on your actions like for example your body fat. You were fat and getting slim and good it was dependant only by your actions alone. Learn to identify the exterior factors that influence you in bad and fix them if it depends 100% by you.

If you kill yourself, that's a huge mistake because life is beautiful, you will get opportunities when you will age like a good job that affords you to move alone and stuff. It only requires patience.

Now regarding suicide, Bahoi from Constanţa city, Romania, said the following thing: Oh, I will kill myself, I will kill myself and so what if you kill yourself? You kill yourself like a peasant, hah, I've commited suicide, like a peasant and you solved what? But my soul will got to heaven... no, your soul stays... in your mother's pussy (typicall romanian swearing). No matter what life throws at you, you have a lot of stuff to enjoy. There are a lot of watermelons to be eaten, grills to be eaten and beers to be drank, birds that fly. This is wonderful in life, you can do whatever and it is beautiful. There are a lot of girls to fuck, a lot of pigs to be stolen and throwed in the Danube, hah, you kill yourself and you solved what? Eeee, eeee, I kill myself. Lame.

It goes for around 10 mins but that's the general idea.

Edit: meeting people: Approach guys at gym and martial arts or MMA or whatever. If in college, join the college's student league if it has, attend local casual and simple events, hang out with girls and after a fet meetings ask them to tag a friend along, etc. Like Bahoi said, life is full of opportunities, you must find them, it's your duty.

Example: i am an amateur runner, I posted on facebook an invitation for people (1, 2, 3 people maximum) to run together. Posted on local Facebook page that belongs to my college's community. 1 guy and 2 girls tagged along, boom, got their numbers, got to know the dude and we are kinda alike, met hi's circle of friends, became a member of that circle.

Btw Russian Chad = Vlad

I feel what you’re saying man, but don’t let this get to you. Clearly you have a goal and you’re a man on a mission. You’re young you’re 19, I guarantee you next year when you’re 20 that girl won’t be on your mind. Focus on yourself, keep getting after it. Look at your parents for inspiration and remind yourself everyday that when you become a father you want to be the exact opposite. You can get through this just keep doing what you’re doing, go out more force yourself, get on tinder, make small talk with everybody from the most quiet person you can to the most extroverted person you can.

Nofap and meditation will help. Give it time bro. That shit takes time. Even a year. But it will eventually get better things will get better.

Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, Yukio Mishima, Otto Weininger https://youtu.be/DapNJOXBx2M

I feel you man. I've also had a horrible childhood due to my mother and understand what you go through. I also have bipolar to deal with but it doesn't stop me. Things will get better and regarding the gf thing that's a minor issue. With time you won't miss her and the blue pill in you will be gone. Trust me.

I have one advice for you if you want to feel happier and increase testosterone... eat a high fat diet with low carbs. Not a joke. Avoid sugar and carbs. Avoid oils like canola and eat lots of meat and fats. You will feel amazing, boost your testosterone and your health will thank you for it.

Really wouldn't be the first sub I'd go to if I were truly suicidal.

Book an appointment with the nearest psychologist for starters.

Instead of all at once starting martial arts, picking up an instrument, reading when you aren't in the habit, going on a caloric deficit, and refusing yourself the pleasure of a wank at the end of a long day, pick one thing that you'll take seriously, and take it seriously. This will slowly lead to other good habits, and even sticking with one thing is harder than you think when you have no discipline.

For example, decide you're going to start training MMA. After two weeks of being low energy Jeb, you're going to start eating and sleeping more consistently so you can train more efficiently. Then you'll start lifting, because strength translates to more power. Etc.

As an aside, there's nothing wrong with masturbation. All these "fapstronauts" can get fucked. (Or just go home and jerk off.) Personally, I can't fall asleep if I don't burp the worm, which is bad for my gainz.

PM me. Easy stuff.

A lot of people have had a shitty childhood. You're only 19 and being aware of the challenges you've faced is just the beginning. You are also becomeing aware of the changes that you need to make. I was a homless orphan at 18 and bought my first house at 25. Don't quit now, especially over women. The amount of personal growth between 18 and 30 is amazing. I wish I could do it again. I had bad luck with women when I was young and by my mid 20s they were actually fighting over me and I still had more on the side. Don't worry about women right now set your own goals and start to achieve them. Don't fall for the next girl just game her to learn how it's done and how it works. You're life can be great to live it and enjoy it. Live !