Long time lurker here – I found and have been following the red pill for 1.5 years. About me: SMV=8.5/9 (22, tall, GL, fit, varied interests, student, well read, etc.) Plated and fucked 10+ girls in past 9 months. Been getting sad about the state of women and so I shifted my mindset to be open to LTR (found TRP after last LTR).
LTR’d a girl (after careful vetting) 2 months back: submissive, traditional, good family, n-count=2 (supposedly), etc etc. She asked for exclusivity I said OK. Established ground rules and boundaries that night, she hasn’t tested any of them. I have held frame, continued lifting, etc the entire relationship very well. Ideal TRP relationship so far.
This is the first girl I have really liked since TRP.
Here comes the problem…when I first started seeing her, she told me about this exchange program she was hoping to go on in September 2019. I brushed it off as it was a long time away and I wasn’t sure if I was going to LTR her. I told her very clearly once we started exclusively that I do not do long distance, period. She said OK.
I told her that we would talk about it in June, and if she was still going to go we would break it off so I could enjoy the summer.
Yesterday, I ended up asking her about the exchange and she told me that she was leaning on going. She really wanted to, had planned on it for her entire degree, etc etc. She said that she might change her mind but that if she did end up, she would want to stay together for it was only 4 months, etc. I said, stoically, OK let’s end it now. I drove her home.
Before she left, she tried to argue some more saying we should stick it out longer and see what happens, etc, etc. I said no thanks. That’s it. I was fairly cold and professional in my interaction, I held frame.
However, since then I have felt a surprising amount of regret. I really like this girl and it’s a refreshing change from emotionless plate spinning. I don’t know how to precede.
Looking back, it is quite an ask on my part for her to cancel her exchange after only dating for 2.5 months. I know that girls take longer to trust and invest in relationships. I am tempted to give the relationship a few more months to see if her decision changes.
I think though, if I do that, I should wait till she reaches out again? However, I am going to regret it if she ends up not reaching out, for I sounded rather emotionless and final in our talk yesterday. This all being said, I need some guidance and advice – an endorsed contributors’ guidance would be especially appreciated.
Advice such as: don’t be exclusive at your age is noted but is not helpful, for I want to.
Thank you in advance.
grwyscxle 5y ago
I'll comment something different because I see people said a lot of smart things.
I think breaking up from her is actually a good and mature thing, let her have her trip, her fun.
I know that keeping her around is holding your frame and everything, but sometimes the cat is better off running around the city instead of being locked inside a 4x4 studio apartment, even if he might get run over by a car, let the cat have his lifetime also, his freedome, he got only one, like you.
and to be honost, his (her's) lifetime is shorter, the fun gonna end soon. you have a long way ahead of you.
mallardcove 5y ago
I wouldn't have firmly ended it, I would have soft demoted her from LTR status to FWB or plate status
You don't want to get butthurt about her going overseas because it conveys you are too invested. You have to act like you don't care. Because you cared too much, that strengthened her resolve and had her double down on going. Had you not cared, it would have had a dread like effect and perhaps she would have changed her mind
TLDR you cared too much
WinningLosing 5y ago
A simple and illuminating response. Thank you.
What would you suggest I do now? Although I made this mistake, there surely must be a path back?
Further, in the future, should I not make it clear that I don't do LDRs?
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mallardcove 5y ago
What you do is not care
If you appear too invested she will do what it takes to get you to back off. Women know when they have leverage and it causes them to be less attracted. But when they know they DONT have leverage they do what it takes to get the guy to stick around
That's why, for example, so many single moms are willing to suck your dick and give you mind blowing sex off the bat, because they know they don't have leverage.
A girl wants to go out to the clubs with her girlfriends without you? Well you could try to say no and put your foot down but that will show you care too much. Instead you give no fucks. Ideally if you are running enough dread and making it clear you have options she won't pull shit like that. Women only go overseas, or try to pull fast ones on you, when they know you are the more invested party
WinningLosing 5y ago
Familiar advice, but obviously not fully absorbed.
So, in this case, I should do nothing, yes? If she comes back, great (however continue on not caring), if she doesn't I have options already lined up.
LTRs are certainly TRP on hard mode - its a hard thing to not care about an LTR and not set boundaries down. Can you point me to an article on this maybe?
mallardcove 5y ago
Do nothing is the right move. Soft demotion to plate.
WinningLosing 5y ago
Thank you.
WinningLosing 5y ago
One more question - how do you even do that? She asks to get back together, I say sure but I am not exclusive anymore? She definitely wouldn't go for that...
*I, morally, won't cheat.*
monsieurhire2 5y ago
There will be other women. Now you know what to look for, in terms of behavior, and how you feel.
That being said, it looks like a no-win situation. If she doesn't go on the trip after only knowing you for 2.5 months (which isn't that long of a time), then she might resent you down the road. I mean, if it is related to her university work, and she has been working towards it for years, she would take some serious blowback from schoolmates, colleagues, friends, family, herself, etc. for jettisoning her "mission" just to chase or keep a guy.
However, had you pressured her, it wouldn't have been good. You would have been "controlling." Also, you could have gone with her, but then you're chasing her, and you're in her frame. You could have both planned to go at a later date. That might have worked.
Anyway, too late now. You broke up with her. She might enter back into your life, or she might not.
WinningLosing 5y ago
Thank you Monsieur.
One detail correction: she doesn't have to confirm going on the trip for another 3.5 months, which would have had us dating for 6 months total - plus she would have had more time to get attached. But yes, your points certainly stands and I think that is part of her reasoning.
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I think it is very likely she reaches out wanting to try to make it work in the upcoming days. I did not pressure her at all, I did that well. If she does come back on her own accord, saying she needs more time together before cancelling her trip, would you suggest I give that a shot or no?
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As Mallar said above, I certainly came across as too emotionally committed - just wondering if there is any way to salvage this. If not, I have girls lined up and I will be fine.
monsieurhire2 5y ago
Well, several things to consider:
Don't get too emotionally invested; face up to the possibility that the trip will lead to the end;
Enjoy the moment; you guys are in your twenties, so trying to get commitment or locks someone in at that age, given the dominant culture, is difficult;
You can sort of walk back the whole seeming too emotionally committed, by simply emotionally detaching a bit and being outcome independent;
You can still game other women; you should be gaming other women your whole life, with varying degrees of intensity depending on the situation; even if you have an LTR, you would still be flirting, making friends, being social, planting seeds just in case, as would she;
I know of someone who was in a multi-year committed relationship, and now, in their mid-thirties, went on a year-long trip, and that put the relationship on the rocks. She left the boyfriend and went on the trip by herself, without him. Not good. I think, though, that it was because he was supposed to go with her, but kept delaying, and I think she got impatient and said fuck it. Plus, I don't think he ever wifed her up, so that's another aggravating factor.
Anyway, you can take the wait and see approach.
Another thing: would you care if she hooked up or fucked other guys on the trip? Would she care if you hooked up with or fucked other girls while she was gone?
If you neither of you genuinely care, then the trip shouldn't affect anything. The problem is, as guys, we usually want sole, unique, monopolized access to the pussy, whereas, women are more ambivalent about the sex, but not the time, attention, and resources. That's because you don't want, from an evo-psych perspective, some other guy getting his DNA in there. It's not in your interest. That's why guys get so pissed about the possibility of infidelity, IMO.
So yeah, play it cool and see what happens. Like you said, you have other girls lined up.
WinningLosing 5y ago
First off, thank you again for the time and effort you took to reply.
You make some good points.
I am going to do the wait and see approach. And yes I would care and she absolutely would care. If it was a plate I wouldn't, but I genuinely like this girl.
Thanks again man.
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monsieurhire2 5y ago
No problemo.
WinningLosing 5y ago
Hey man, may you please check out my new post? Ill link it here for convenience's sake.
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Hey All,
Last week, I made the post: "Did I end it too early?" - can't link else would.
TLDR: I hard nexted a girl because she wants to go on a school exchange program in the fall. She wanted to keep trying, I said no. I was very final in my no. I realize that I want to stay with her up until that point because shes the first girl in a while (after 10+ plates in past 9 months) that is good LTR material.
Listening to the advice, I have not contacted her at all. Nor has she (it has now been a week). Normally, I would move on and keep going. However, I went clubbing this weekend, 3 days after breaking up with her, and had a blast with my buddies. My one buddy took a video of me dancing with some girls for social media. The ex in question saw it.
So, coupling me breaking up with her (in a very stoic way), me not reaching out at all, and then the dancing video at the club - is this too much dread? That is, have I indicated too strongly (as I indeed want her back) that I am done with her and don't want her back. If the positions were reversed, I definitely would think so.
My question is then, I want to reach out to her, and LTR her till she leaves for her exchange. I think I over-dreaded her and that is why she isn't reaching out. How do I reinstate the relationship while maintaining frame?
Thanks in advance!"
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monsieurhire2 5y ago
Okay. I left a response. TLRD: You can reach out to her, but keep it casual, and don't expect any particular outcome. Also, I would add, you can never fully "own" or "control" someone, at least not someone of value.
WinningLosing 5y ago
Thank you man. What you said makes a lot of sense and I appreciate you taking the time.
The other user who responded says i shouldn’t reach out at all. As an endorsed contributor I tend to side with you - thoughts on his comments?
monsieurhire2 5y ago
What have you got to lose by reaching out? Life is short. The worst that happens is that she'll think you want her, and then she'll be all smug, lord it over you, not fool around with you anymore, and try to turn you into a beta orbiter. That's the absolute worst-case scenario. Is that really so bad? You could use HER as your female beta orbiter in that case. You could go out with a group and use each other as wingpersons. So, that's the worst-case scenario. These people on here with their absolutist "If she's not sucking your dick, she's worthless to you!" doctrine are mostly targeting guys with no romantic experience who have oneitis. You are a guy that has had multiple women, and you like this one, so you have some mild oneitis, for a woman who is above average, and you are kind of want to keep her around. Believe me, there are women like that that are worth keeping around. They are the exception, but they are out there. So anyway, best case scenario, you play it off like you didn't dump her, get her in a social setting, have fun, get her back to your place, or in a private place, escalate, start fooling around again, and she could be right back in your bed. You already had sex with her, so you have an in. If you were good in bed, and you gave her good memories, she may be at least tempted to indulge again.
However, and here I get on my soapbox, if you don't see a real future with this girl, you are wasting her time, and degrading her SMV. I mean, if you only want her for a few more lays, what's the point? You could just as easily be finding someone you want something more from, or at least not wasting this girl's time if she doesn't want to be a plate.
So anyway, you don't really have anything to lose, except maybe degrading her opinion of you slightly. As long as you don't go emo or psycho on her, but just maintain your cool, at worst, she'll feel a slight sense of superiority shooting you down. But from what you told me, you could probably have her if you wanted.
randomfire9 5y ago
Forget that. Women are very child-like. when the authority figure isn't there to tell them what's wrong they veer for the ice cream and cookies. It's a rush to them.
WinningLosing 5y ago
Anyone else agree with random? So you think I was right to tell her not to go or we would break up?