Intro:
I am here, because I struggle with the conclusion that I am apparently "too nice".
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I get it: I am not the most intimidating person. With 5'9 (176cm) and 155lbs (70kg) I am probably average at best right now. On top of that I look way younger than I am. People think I am max. 18 years while I am already 23.
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To bring this information into some context:
Yesterday I was at a house party and there was one particular moment where it made "click" and I had a moment of realisation. Basically the girlfriend of the host said that we don't have any pictures together so she came over to me and we made some selfies.
After a few photos she was like "Wow, StopGaming1234 has the cutest smile ever, doesn't he?" while showing it to the other girls at the party and they agreed. She said I am such a sweet guy and she wasn't even the only girl who said it at that night.
And then it hit me: What is it about me that girls think I am "cute/sweet?" Despite my efforts to appear like this cool and laid back guy who owns it all I always hear the same stuff over and over. Don't get me wrong, I like the attention it gives me and I appreciate the fact that I get so well along with most people.
But being perceived as sweet doesn't get me laid. In the past I was the typical "nice guy" who avoided confrontation as much as possible. I was a hard peoples pleaser. I didn't have my first kiss until I found TRP. That was 2 years ago and since then I had 8 different girls from which only 2 said I am hot as fk. The rest was mostly " You are such a cute guy!".
I threw away so many opportunities with insanely beautiful girls, because I was too nice ,shy, passive whatever you name it. They rather see me as someone to meet and talk to when their unemployed guy hits them again. (I am overexaggerating, but you get the point). Or we do netflix and chill without the chill part. Their company gives me attention from other hot girls, but what does it matter when I can never close?
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I am sick of it. It's not only with girls. It goes over to other areas of my life too. People don't see me as a threat. Sometimes I don't feel taken seriously. Maybe it is because I smile too much?
You know this moment when someone enters the room and you can instantly feel his presence? This is was I strive to become. I want to approach this mostly from a behavioral point of view. I know I can improve my posture, lift more, smile less or dress better. There are people even smaller and weaker than me who get instant respect the moment they say a word. It's harder for them, but obviously possible.
[deleted] 5y ago
everyone's different. but let me ask you, do you have like a baby face? because sadly looks are like 99% of peoples perception of you.
StopGaming1234 5y ago
Like I said, I look way younger than I am. And I also have a hard time growing anything remotely close to a beard.
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I agree that looks play a huge role, but I have seen the opposite too. People who look immature and weak, but when others get to know them, they are suddenly in the leading position.
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Best example I could think of happened probably 6 years ago when some new random joined our class and on first glance you saw someone overweight with a baby face. Well just after a few weeks he was the new Chad, had a high social position and was feared by many.
LebaneseSleeze 5y ago
Look up minoxidil beards and neck training. Can help you look more masculine / older
[deleted] 5y ago
thats because they are natural alphas bro. dont try to 100% fake it and change. but do whatever you can without coming off as cringe to improve yourself
StopGaming1234 5y ago
But what does being a natural alpha actually mean? Often times the guys who are louder and more violent get more respect. That was the case with this guy. He picked on other people and didn't care about anyone.
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He later dropped out of school, became drug addicted and failed miserably. How is this fucking alpha?
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[deleted] 5y ago
then it seems like you answered your own question bro.
MisunderstoodAsian 5y ago
In a similar boat to you but I've been working on it and have improved people's perception of me, if only by a little bit so far. Basically what seems to be working for me is: being more assertive, knowing what you want and not being afraid to tell people what you want. Improved posture / body language. Making more sarcastic / teasing jokes (careful not to overdo this one and come across as an asshole though). Personally I don't think smiling too much is an issue or anything that you need to specifically change.
StopGaming1234 5y ago
I also wondered if I am just in the wrong environment to fully unfold my whole potential. I noticed that when I am around more educated people I am perceived as higher smv than when I am around people who value party, drinking, alcohol and drugs more. The paradox is that I would much rather pull one of those party sluts. The majority of my girls have always been on the other end.
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On the smiling part: People almost always assume I am sympathetic because I smile so much. It's just who I am.
For example:
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I am in a situation where I will take over responsibility of around 50 people next year. My boss already advised me to "not make too many friends" and not be too nice too everyone, because once I am in a position above them they might not take me seriously enough.
rp2626 5y ago
Cute/Sweet doesn't necessarily mean they think you look harmless. People use the same adjectives to describe athletes. It could mean they think you have a nice face or fashion sense. Your attitude makes all the difference. If you walk and talk like a man who takes himself seriously it will show.
StopGaming1234 5y ago
I do believe that I have a nice face and a good fashion sense. But you could say I have some kind of "baby face" if you compare it to other people in my age. For example I often need to show ID when buying alcohol.
[deleted] 5y ago
[deleted]
StopGaming1234 5y ago
You can't compare me to a movie star lmao.
44361066 5y ago
Hit the gym. Muscles will make up the lack of masculine features.
You’ll be looking good when you’re 30-40. Keep that in mind.
StopGaming1234 5y ago
This honestly seems to be one of the main priorities right now. I do have low bf% and a few muscles, because I do parcours/freerunning. I need to add volume though and I guess there is no other way around.
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I just feel like missing out on so much college pussy. I want to be part of the "secret sex club".
FemtoG 5y ago
would you say you've had a comfortable / nice / no-traumatic events type of life?
I was like you until I started working. that cleared up my "nice" aura quick..
StopGaming1234 5y ago
Yes. That is one of my main problems yet to this day. My parents always provided me with everything. I never needed to care about much because it was already taken care of. This is why I lacked a lot of responsibility the older I got. Not only that, but I lacked independence.
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I played life on easy mode in that terms, which led me to never learning the required skills to be a real adult.
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I thought that moving out could be a way to force myself into a situation where I have to act. But paying rent would completely kill my earnings right now. Realistic would be earliest in 2 years.
DVidojkovic 5y ago
Maybe you have an innocent smile. I doubt it's an actual compliment by the girlfriend of the host, because her man is already there. With all the TRP principles you had studied, you should be able to change in a more dominant person and not be as shy. Improve your conversational skills and stuff like that.
At the end of the day if you want to look a bit more deadly, improve posture and trim your entire head with a machine using a 1 and grow out a beard. It could be your body language, and I think it's that you're smiling all the time.
Your actions bring specific consequences. If you smile all the time, regardless of the presence, you'll be known as the happy guy, or in your case the cute guy. You can use that "compliment" from women to your advantage and engage in flirting. I have noticed that happen to me. Frown/neutral facial expression = bad interaction(unless you're charming and you can lead the conversation).
joeswo214 5y ago
You been lifting heavy-assed weights brah!? Sounds like you need to brah brah.
Also maybe start being more disagreeable.
StopGaming1234 5y ago
I am more disagreeable recently, but I feel like I come off as an asshole. People don't like their opinions questioned. This is what my last narcissistic LTR said to me: "Regardless of what I say, you never agree with me. Only your opinion is right and I am always wrong".
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It stuck to me because she was right in that aspect. While I have a really open mind I still hold onto my opinions until proven otherwise. Often times I will disagree with people or correct them, which they certainly don't like.
joeswo214 5y ago
Well you have to utilize an old buddy of mine called "tact". You have to know which battles to fight. And you should never really fight, only lean into your opponent in a very nonchalant, but defiant manner, but very lighthearted. Nothing is serious. Everything is a joke because you are the top dog and you have bigger things to worry about. Dont talk politics and religion. If some says donald trump say I think I just donald trumped in my pants and change the subject.
But at the same time dont overagreeable. You should still retain that asshole vibe... but not too strong. Just enough to tell someone to fuck off every now and then.
boy_named_su 5y ago
Get your T level tested. TRT if too low
see https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322508.php
Keep lifting for swole. Then cut fat to 10%
Grow a beard
Read NMMNG
Ricklogical 5y ago
'Too nice'
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Have you been to the niceguy forum? any of it sound familiar?
StopGaming1234 5y ago
Up until 5 years ago this was totally me. Not anymore though.
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I need to admit though that I still catch myself doing people a favor and expecting something in return. Or trying to please people in general to be more likeable. I know that this is wrong and changed myself accordingly.
Ricklogical 5y ago
Well there's this concept called 'silent contracts' and it happens in most relationships. It's better to talk about everything than have someone keep throwing fits or making silly fucking demands right?
I was that guy so many times in so many different ways. I just never did throw the fit and call the woman a slut or whatever. I just told them it was cool I liked spewing nonstop poetry at them.
All done with that now, though I do do it now and then. I am the hype man afterall.
TheShearerComplex 5y ago
I was very similar to you. Very baby faced up until late 20’s. When within a year my beard came in and by the time I was 28ish. I looked very good for my age and basically like a good looking 22 year old.
I don’t know what changed in terms of my facial aesthetics but I’ve noticed getting a lot more attention from girls. Some guys are just late bloomers and mature like a fine wine, it’s usually the younger looking ones.
Start smashing the gym and working on a bullet proof mind set and you will still get some action now but then absolutely smash it in your late 20’s to early 30’s, when a lot of guys are looking like they are in their 40’s.
StopGaming1234 5y ago
So should I not lose my hope entirely in getting a beard?
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I guess adding some volume on my body is one of the top priorities right now. Looks dictate a lot about how people perceive you and being this small thin guy doesn't help my case.
TheShearerComplex 5y ago
Oh yeah you 100% need to hit the gym. I’ve been doing so for the last 6 years and noticed a big difference.
Key thing I’ve realised is girls aren’t bothered about height for heights sake it’s all about appearing dominate. The more physically domineering you look, the more feminine the girl feels when she’s with you. This makes her feel good, as a lot of girls want to be/ appear feminine obviously.
It’s like would you date a 6 ft 3 butch girl? No, very likely not, as it would feel very immaculating. It’s the opposite with girls.
So you need to hit the gym and work on your body language to make yourself look as manly as possible.
StopGaming1234 5y ago
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Holy shit, this just blew my mind and gave myself a whole new perspective.
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caneyfan 5y ago
It’s so much about body language and presence. Weights help on both sides, physically bigger which in turn makes you feel more confident. There are other things you can work on, like building charisma. It’s a skill and can be honed. If you need a book to dive into how to develop it, I found “The Charisma Myth” to be very helpful (if you practice what you learn). I worked on developing this skill/trait for business results purposes but once you learn the skill it helps in every situation and setting.
StopGaming1234 5y ago
Thank you for the recommendation
Nov51605 5y ago
bro - super affordable - i actually didn't know gyms were only $10 a month these days until recently brought to my attention here.
It's not about looks, it's about your vibe, what/how you think, choose/take action, and feel emotionally.
I was pointed to Stong lifts 5x5, and have been doing HIIT training on the Athlean X youtube site.
REad/study real life shit goin on around you. Women are definitely attracted to looks, make no mistake, but it goes hand in hand with the entire you, and you doing/being you 110%
[deleted] 5y ago
I find that people who've experienced some shit tend to have this "look" about them. I don't really know how to describe it.
Not to condone fighting. But I guess someone who's been in for example, a bar fight; would have a different demeanour to someone who has never thrown a punch before.
Or even someone who's has taken a punch but never thrown one would carry themselves differently to someone who has never experienced either of those things.
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