For the most part, I'm sure she's right, but it's gotten to the point that every move I make is critiqued as 'not affectionate enough'. For example, I just dropped her off and I'm not going to see her this weekend, so I gave her a kiss, a short embrace and went on my way (had to get back to work). I then get a text saying "good thing that hug didn't linger for another few seconds". I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to stop this nonsense without being beta. Or is this just something everyone deals with?
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HuddsMagruder 11y ago
Seems like she's shit testing you. She's baiting you to see if you'll drop frame. Don't.
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
If she is, it's definitely not on purpose. I can tell she is genuinely hurt by my 'lack of emotion'. I think dread game has weakened her sense of security in the relationship. Having said that, dropping frame would definitely not benefit me at all.
[deleted] 11y ago
You should read this post
Later on:
Feeling secure is important in a relationship for women. Without it, they can become overly reactionary, jealous, and difficult to lead. She is not telling you to make her cookies or buy her expensive gifts - she is seeking the physical comfort of her leader. If she has done nothing wrong, then what's the point of keeping her starved for affection?
Part of your role, as the leader, is to maintain stability within the relationship. I can understanding withdrawing when she acts inappropriately, but her only 'fault' is that she wants to be physically close with the man she's dating (the nerve!).
Is she actually criticizing you, or is she simply trying to verbalize what she sees in addition to trying to show you affection? If she is actively initiating physical contact, she may be doing so in an effort to show you that she values you and also that she needs you - which is good. Perpetually starving her for basic comfort will deteriorate the quality of your relationship and flame bitterness on her part (you can already see this happening if her comments are coming out in a genuinely critical/huffy way).
Providing physical comfort and the integrity of your frame are not mutually exclusive - unless your frame relies on withholding comfort and support in which case it is already weak because there's no room for nuance and calibration.
bicepsblastingstud 11y ago
♂
Well fucking put. It's a little on the softer side, of course, but that's to be expected.
Nice to get a RPW perspective on things like this.
trpbot 11y ago
Confirmed: 1 point awarded to /u/PhantomDream09 by bicepsblastingstud. ^[History]
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HuddsMagruder 11y ago
How can you tell it's genuine? They're good at making it seem like they're hurt when they really aren't.
bicepsblastingstud 11y ago
You're looking at this with the wrong paradigm.
His LTR isn't shit-testing him because she's a deceitful bitch. She's not pretending to be upset to try and get him to lose frame so she can go "GOTCHA!"
In that moment, she actually is upset. Her shit-tests are not intentional, they're instinctive. She really does feel like she wants more attention; she has no idea that if he started to give her what she was asking for, she'd lose attraction for him.
And so it is that passing a shit-test isn't about "beating a woman at her own game." Passing a shit-test is about knowing what's best for her and for the relationship, and temporarily letting her be unhappy for the sake of her own long-term happiness with you.
Welcome to being the Captain.
HuddsMagruder 11y ago
I have a tendency to reason from a position of dealing with a deceitful bitch. It's something I have to work on.
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
I am fairly confident I am not dating a sociopath, but you're right, I should question everything.
Mans_Right_To_Choose 11y ago
Woah. Hold up, chief. She doesn't have to be a sociopath to feign an emotional state. She's a female. She's been getting out of trouble since she was two years old by just saying, "Boo hoo, daddy."
(I have a daughter. Can confirm they learn this stuff young).
This is a shit test. Ignore passive aggressive texts. If you've been giving her dread, back it down a hair. That's all you can do.
Just remember the Golden Ratio:
Show affection 2/3 of the time she does. Maybe you're at 1/3 and its rocking the boat. I dunno.
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
Yea I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is just how it goes. It's been a few years since I've been in a LTR. I made a joke following the original text and now she's telling me how much shes going to miss me this weekend. The comment about your daughter made me laugh (you're right).
bicepsblastingstud 11y ago
Just agree and amplify with a silly comment.
For your situational awareness, though, if this is a LTR you need to show her affection. There are lots of posts floating around about mixing provider behaviors into a LTR, highly suggest you check them out.
If you are emotionally withdrawn all the time, she's going to start spending a lot more time with orbiters.
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
Yea I told her I didn't want to get a boner in the parking lot. But yea, I personally feel like I show her affection all the time, but then I get comments like this out of nowhere. I just can't imagine giving her any more without breaking frame. I'll look for some of those posts though. Thanks.
[deleted] 11y ago
[deleted]
OccamsUsername 11y ago
My favorite is "honeybabysugarpielumpkinsface" said as quickly as possible.
RedPillington 11y ago
it's shit testing, don't let it upset you.
that being said, i would just be way more handsy with her and play with her ass and tits whenever i'm near her and if she shit tests me on that tell her i'm being affectionate and keep doing it.
if you aren't attracted enough to her to play with her ass and tits when you're sitting around, it seems like there might be a problem.
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
To be honest, my libido is definitely smaller than hers. Sometimes I'm pretty indifferent to sex, whereas she is always dtf. Still, I'm almost always feeling up her ass when we're both in good moods. I think the real lack of attraction for me is just her bad moods that result from jealousy/dread game. She starts acting childish and I realize I have better things to do than cater to it.
RedPillington 11y ago
why are you in the relationship?
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
It kinda just happened. She was a plate who I didn't really see as LTR material because of some red flags including the fact that she is part of my friend circle (I realize i made a mistake here). Over time I realized that she is someone I actually enjoy spending time with, and she earned my trust and affection. I haven't actually wanted to be with anyone for years up tilll now. Long story short: I have no fucking idea why, but I'm taking a risk on her, knowing that it if it doesn't work out, it will be a recipe for disaster. Soooo wish me luck?
RedPillington 11y ago
instead of wishing you luck, i'll advise you not do it. read the rational male.
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
I'm already a few months in and it's going well. I will admit I have kind of lost the self discipline I had before dating her, but I'm working to get that stability back, and the best part is that she recognizes this and does what she can to help me and encourage me to pursue my dreams. It's all kinda beta-sounding, but in the end she knows I am not interested in wasting my time with unnecessary distractions (...as I sit on reddit for hours every day).
[deleted] 11y ago
How old are you? Maybe you have low testosterone?
Try taking vitamin D for a few days.
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
Twenty-six. I really do think I have low testosterone, and I was also told I have a vitamin D deficiency. I had no idea they were related! If this is the case you are the answer to my prayers.
[deleted] 11y ago
I've read vitamin D makes the body produce more testosterone. Try taking a few thousand IU a day (two tiny pills) and see what happens. I guarantee more morning wood.
RK-no 11y ago
6000 IU is more maintenance range, I take 2x3000 daily.
Also take fish oil.
[deleted] 11y ago
Seems a lot, what are you basing that on
RK-no 11y ago
Tim Ferriss - 4 hour body
DrakeSaint 11y ago
Tell her there will be plenty of cuddling between you both after a rough sex session.
You kept frame, dodged the shit test and gained a pass for wild sex.
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
I'm gonna do this this weekend in response to the inevitable 'you're not texting me enough' text that is coming my way. Have her ready for my return!
lesbianDREAMS 11y ago
This is actually a good shit test to a degree! It shows she craves your affection. Only give it to her in small doses and keep her hungry for more. Reward good behaviour with hugs and shit. Be cold as fuck when she's being a bitch. She wants you to put her on the pedestal. Small amounts of affection show her the opposite and that you're the captain of this relationship.
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen
sparta126 11y ago
Two options here, ignore or A&A. My girlfriend does this all the time. She tells me I don't love her. I either ignore it or I say your right the only woman I'll ever love in my life is my mom. This normally leads to 10 minutes of pouting followed by sorry I was a bitch/sex.
keepusernamesecret 11y ago
Yea i just got a "I'm gonna misssssss you" haha
AlienSunrise 11y ago
Affection is not weakeness. She is your ltr, she is your partner. next time pull her in close and lay a serious affectionate kiss on her that will have her panties wet and ready for the next time she sees you. If it's a one night stand or hookup, then you don't have to get emotional, but your LTR is where you can open up.
Counter423 11y ago
She's clingy.
And you're possibly an introvert.
If you get tired of her shit, which you will soon enough please trust me, then move on.