Any good tips for small talk that lead into good conversation starters? Im not good at small talk, like mentioning the weather etc so usually stuck when meeting new ppl.

Early on, when I was first learning networking, I found the conversation stack immensely helpful. It goes something like this ...

Imagine a nameplate

"Hi, I'm ruizbujc. What's your name?"

That name plate is on a house

"What part of town do you live in?"

Through the window you see some papers and bills on a desk.

"What do you do for a living? How do you like doing that?"

Some kids run out the front door

"Do you have close family nearby or are you here just for work? What's your family like?"

One of the kids is holding a tennis racquet

"So, what do you do for fun? I like doing this. You ever try that?"

The kid throws the racquet at a car in the driveway

"Do you like to travel? What places have you been?"

Someone in the car turns the lights on.

"Hey, you mentioned ___. What are your thoughts on that?" [light = ideas, concepts, beliefs, etc.]

Although I don't need to use the stack anymore, the imagery gives incredibly easy cues to new conversationalists about how to move from one subject to the next in appropriately ascending order. That ascending order, of course, is overridden by context. If she tells you her name and it reminds you of a place you've been, be like, "Oh, Savannah, like the city in Georgia. Great place, you ever go there?"

The basic stack (there are expanded versions) helped me dominate networking events in my career. I owe most of my early success in building an initial law practice to the stack.

• Rule #1: Great. Solid advice and a good reminder for those who already know.

• Rule #2: I feel like giving your opinion is a form of judging so this is a bit confusing. Any way to clarify the difference between judging and sharing your opinion?

• Rule #3: I feel like I'm good at this one (yes I read HTWFAIP) but sometimes I feel self-conscious because all I'm doing is asking questions and learning about them. I will find I don't have any stories or things to add and I'm letting them do most of the talking not because it is a smart tactic to build rapport, but because I just don't have the social skills or life experiences to relate. I guess what I'm saying is I feel like the person doesn't learn enough about me when I apply this principle.

• Rule #4: Also great. This is a big one I keep forgetting.

Overall thanks a lot.

This is a good post.

However, I can't help but feel you contradict yourself. You advise not to complain, but also advise to talk about your emotions.

The big part of getting people to spill their heart out, comes with you spilling some of your own. Or at least giving the impression of it.

Often, that comes to fruition byway of complaining. The smart converser knows how to open someone up by giving off the impression that they themselves are opening up. Complaining, even if faux, is a good way to go about doing that.

Complaining is also a way to control people, and the conversation. People differ in personality; some people are natural born helpers, and so when you present a complaint, they drop everything and focus on you.

I like that you start your post by acknowledging that there's no one-way of going about a conversation. However, I disagree that employing the art of complaint, is something to be avoided.

The truth is, every conversation differs, because every person differs. I like that you give a set of rules, and they're pretty solid; however, they apply only to some people, certainly not all.

one very important point you left out, never disagree with people. disagreeing just shuts down conversation and forces people to take sides and protect their ego. if someone says something that you disagree with or is even objectively incorrect, just say things like "interesting" and move on to the next topic. this is another Dale Carnegie one.

also, the acronym RAPE is good to remember. never talk about Religion, Abortion, Politics, or Emotional experiences (like personal struggles you are going through). honestly the abortion one isnt as important as the other three, but yeah, you start talking about any of the letters in RAPE and youre sinking ships and forcing people to protect egos and take sides. and possibly flat out offending people.

great post though. talking to people is so much fun.

Great post. IDGAF mentality, alpha status and being socially dominant/competent generally has a lot to do with having good social-interaction skills, conversation of which is a major part. Not enough content out there about this.

I know a lot already about how to be good at social interactions. If I want to, I can turn the charm on at the drop of a hat.

What I'm looking for now is how to enjoy it. I don't want to die a lonely fuck and yet I can't stand a lot of the boiler plate conversations that take place. There's the desire to not be lonely strongly felt right next to the desire to not spend time with people and their problems and whining.

Point me in a direction -- a sub or book?

Add reframing and deflection. Whenever a girl tries attempting a certain topic or trying to lead the conversation somewhere that isn't to your advantage (i.e. trying to figure out your job) or if she tries to shit test, just quickly ignore the question and ask her something totally unrelated, but edgy enough, to spark her emotions 'just enough' to make the topic of your choosing more compelling than the one she was trying to bring up that isn't in your interest. It's tricky at first if you're just learning but you'd be surprised as to how quickly she will forget about what you were discussing as long as the new topic brings the feelz. Women are experts at this but usually clueless when you do it as long as youre leading. This works wonders with any situation not just women.

What if you let them talk and all they do is talk about negative things and judge everything?

I think that if you're really good with number three and you're talking with someone else who has social skills they will start noticing the balance is off and will start reciprocating.

I want to also add one more little tip.

If you get bored talking with people a lot try to steer the conversation to something they are passionate and knowledgeable about. The minute you find that even the most boring person becomes the most animated interesting person in the world; treat the conversation like a hunt and seek game. Even if you don't like stamp collecting or data base security or shopping for cruelty free cosmetics you will at least learn something new.

I try to just soak up what the person is saying and most of the time if you just listen you will find that even pool cleaning or target archery can be fascinating if you make the person comfortable enough to go into the details. Almost all people are interesting if you're asking the right questions.

Malcolm Gladwell talked about this a little when he was on CSPAN

Fast forward too 9:12 for the set up and the critical point comes at 10:26.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw_cmlvzwlI

Nice list. It's difficult but important to internalize that most people just want a little bit of validation. If someone says something interesting that you've never heard before, tell them.

"That's pretty interesting; I never thought of that." I try to make people that I like feel smart when they are being smart--it encourages them to continue to have thoughtful conversations with me and that is really the basis of most of my current friendships.

Try a bit of NLP and fractionation for guaranteed results.

Repeat their last three words.It creates instant attraction. NLP is converting emotions to language and vice versa. When we speak in the language of people in their own words, we create am reactions as they originally conceived, using the same word.

This is called mirroring. You can mirror the gestures, body language or whatever. Mirroring last three words is by far the most effective thing to create attraction.

Fractionation involves creating a dual response. You make them happy and them make them sad. Fractionation confuses the mind and as with all hypnotic techniques, this confusion lets you enter her emotional mind, surpassing her critical mind.

Secret to modern women's heart

Always, always let them talk. "How is/was your day?" Pretend you're a journalist trying to get them to spill the juice on something. Keep on asking questions. Just try not to roll your eyes.

Respectfully disagree with #3, unless you're someone who speaks really fast and sounds nervous all the time. Then it would help you a lot to try and let the other person speak.

If you're someone who has grown up on the shy or reserved side, there's no need to do this. I'm thinking of the people who I most enjoy talking to, and none of them just sit/stand there and listen to me talk.

I think it's better to think of it as matching someone's energy.

Good points. With men these are all true. In my experience you have take control of converstaion eith a woman you are interested in. If you listen 90% you will become emotional tampon easily.

If you are already in a relationship listening works fine but before that you should talk 35-45%

"Shut the fuck"........ Lol

P.S not tryna be a dick or callous just pointing out that OP missing a word made me chuckle

One good point about 'not complaining' is that it is also a major display of weakness, even if people don't explicitly pick up on it.

For example frequent complaining means you have problems (complaining is voicing problems). If it's frequent and the same one then that means you are unable to solve or control your problems. That isn't to say bury everything deep down inside but instead of complaining to others look to solutions.

For ex: "I worked so many hours this week it sucks" could be "X, you seem on top of things. Have any tips to work more effectively?"

Or

"I can't meet a good girl, there are just none left" Turns into a discussion on different types of women and where to find them (obviously more bro talk)

Another reason why I don't like the MRA movement. Yes those problems exist, but we live in the west in 2017, stop bitching

Its also why feminists and SWJs are physically, mentally, and emotionally weak people

A lot of this great info is in the book "How to win friends and influence people" by who you mentioned dale Carnegie. It is dated but the principles are pretty good.

Good article. I feel like good, simple work like this isnt appreciated enough on this subreddit. I made a few simple pieces like this myself and never really got the response I was looking for.

I can honestly say that most issues with women can be solved with good communication skills. I believe any issue can be solved with good communication skills.

If you're in the office ans want a raise: communication skills. If youre in a tough spot with your girlfriend: most things can be explained with communication skills.

You can walk a man to water, but you cam make him drink.

One of the best opening convos is talking about favorite stuff. The other person usually starts slowly, but as time passes, you can see the shine in their eyes. Being a good listener is even better, let them do the talking.

This is a good quality way to get an understanding on conversation topics.

I would also add that the best conversations progress from is grounded to more abstract topics. If you ask someone a more personal question like "what are their dreams and how they are pursuing them", people may look at you a little funny, but you will be surprised to how much they open up to that question. That will also bring very organic conversation.