Gentlemen, I have concluded that women desire THREE men. One is the man for her heart, another is the man for her words, and the third is the man in her arms!

Likewise, the cryptic code of Womanese, whose very utterance causes men to pace nervously and shakes the foundations of language, divides into three splinters: The first splinter are words she SAYS she has, the second are words she THINKS she has, and the third are words for why she ACTUALLY does it.

Therefore, we must look at Womanese in these three ways. BOLD will be what the woman is saying. REGULAR TEXT will be what the Translator is saying. ITALICS will be what Da Pooky is saying.

Do you have a girlfriend? → You are CUTE! Are you on the market?

You are certainly attentive tonight! → Is sex ALL you think about?

How much do you love me? → I did something you are NOT going to like.

We need to communicate better. → You need to agree with me more. → Smile, nod head, repeat.

I don't want to ruin our friendship! → Let me continue to tell you about all the guys I'm sleeping with. → WOMEN are the reason why Nice Guys can't get laid.

I want HONESTY. No games! → Tell me what I want to hear.

Do what you want. → You'll pay for it later.

I don't remember how much it costs. → I'll never tell you it cost a fortune.

Let's paint the room! → You paint the room, I'm going shopping. Oh, and don't make a mess.

Uh huh → Oh, did you say something? Whatever it was, it must not have been important.

No, take out is fine for dinner. → You cheap bastard!

I want a stable future. → I need to marry a sugar daddy!

You wouldn't understand. → I don't even understand, but I'm not going to tell you that. → Hell, we ALL don't understand.

My screen name is JennySmalt → I have nothing to hide. There is nothing exciting about me.

My screen name is DoItToMeNow6969696969 → If you need this explained, you aren't a guy. → OK Mr. AFC. Since you cannot get this (and thus have no chance of becoming a guy), girlproblems.com is your home.

So why did you and your ex break up? → What is wrong with you? → Because I was Mr. NiceGuy who skipped around in fantasy land and... No, don't tell her. Say "I dunno!"

This guy was STARING at me today. He then came over and asked me out... → She wants YOU to ask her out RIGHT NOW! → It seems she is talking about other guys, but she is actually trying to convey that she is beautiful and desirable. She wants you to see that because she wants you to ask her out NOW.

What do you think of [insert girl's name]? What do you think about that girl [insert another girl's name]? → Do I have competition?

I don't want a boyfriend now. → I don't want YOU as my boyfriend. → EVERY woman is on a lookout for a man. It's a life purpose.

I don't know. What do YOU want to do? → I can't BELIEVE you have nothing planned. → No, you are absolutely dead in the water. Congratulations, flotsam!

I'm picky! → There are no dating prospects here!

I'm VERY picky! → I'm a religious virgin girl, still under the umbrella of her parents, and demand perfection. → Can we say 'unrealistic expectations'?

Maybe [insert old woman] thought you were hot! → You are what is hot. → Women are not direct. They project their thoughts through a prop. In this case, the old lady is the prop.

Come here! → My puppy dog does this too! → And her attention scraps are "Nice Guy Chow".

This apartment is SO inconvenient! → I want a new apartment. → And I want a new girlfriend!

I want new furniture. → I want new furniture, carpeting, curtains, wallpaper...

I heard a noise! → I noticed you were asleep. → Be careful she doesn't take your covers when she gets back!

I'll be ready in a minute. → Sit back, kick off the shoes, and find a good show.

My ex... → I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. → NEXT!

I like you, but... → I don't like you.

It is a 'Girl's Night' tonight! → We're going to get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends. → And how does this differ from any other night of the week?

It's OK → It's NOT OK. → YOU'RE not OK.

I need space. → ...without YOU in it.

I AM NOT YELLING! → This is important. → When is it NOT important?

Nothing is wrong. → Everything is wrong. → YOU are what's wrong.

I DON'T want to talk about it! → I'm still building evidence against you! → The volcano is building, ready to erupt with rhetorical smoke and vomit lava-like lies. Flee!

I'm an artist! → I'm unreliable! → And she's poor.

I'm affectionate! → I'm possessive! → And you'll always be seen as cheating!

I'm an adventurer. → I've had more lovers than you can imagine. → And you get the baggage of her past!

I'm seeking friends first. → I'm trying to live down my reputation as a slut. → See the 'adventurer' translation

I'm mature. → I won't let you treat me like a farm animal in bed like my last boyfriend. → MOO!

I'm open-minded and outgoing. → I am desperate and loud. → She's a NICE GIRL. Hah!

Are you GAY? → Why won't you go out with me or anyone? → The highest compliment a man can receive. All women are interested in you, and YOU get to pick.

Permalink - Report Copyright

Vermillion-Rx Admin 2w ago Stickied

Pook does note that you can speak womanese back at women instead of being overt.

You can take any womanese women say and translate your own thoughts into womanese at them.

Do you have a [man]?" → You are CUTE! Are you on the market?

I'm not looking for a [girlfriend] → I'm not looking for a girlfriend in YOU!

So why did you and your ex break up? → What is wrong with you?

Her and I just messed around a bit → I obliterated her cheeks.

Also if she asks you questions

Her: Do you think my friend is hot?

You: No. → Yes.

Her: Do you think my sister is hot?

You: No. → Yes.

Her: Do you think I'm hot?

You: → Yes. → No.

Her: Is this going anywhere?"

You: I'm just going with the flow. → No. / "I say this to all the girls, but it's your turn to hear it."

Okay, the last ones are mine lmao

charlotteannemoore 2w ago

Absolutely — continuing with the same exaggerated Womanese → Translator → Da Pooky structure and irreverent dating-humor voice:

I'm just tired. → I don't want to do anything you suggested. → But if Chad calls, suddenly she'll discover a mysterious reserve of energy.

I'm not mad at you. → I am furious with you. → You have approximately seven minutes to identify the crime.

It's nothing. → It is something. → Congratulations! You've unlocked the hidden boss level.

You can go if you want. → You had better not go. → The door is technically open. The consequences are not.

I don't care who you talk to. → I care VERY MUCH who you talk to. → Proceed at your own risk, Romeo.

Who's that girl? → Why is she in your life? → The FBI has been notified.

She's pretty. → I have noticed that you noticed she is pretty. → Choose your next words like your life depends on it.

I trust you. → I am currently monitoring your behavior. → Trust, but verify.

You don't have to explain yourself. → Explain yourself. → Preferably with timestamps, witnesses, and photographic evidence.

I'm not jealous. → I am extremely jealous. → She has already memorized the girl's Instagram.

Have fun! → You'd better not have TOO much fun. → Fun is permitted only within previously negotiated parameters.

Who were you texting? → Who were you texting, WHY were you texting her, and HOW LONG has this been happening? → And don't say "nobody." Nobody doesn't have a female Bitmoji.

She's just a friend? → So that's what we're calling her? → The prosecution rests.

I don't mind if you go out with the guys. → I mind if you go out with the guys. → Especially if "the guys" include women.

Whatever. → I have an opinion, but I'm going to make you discover it through trial and error. → Enjoy the puzzle, genius.

Fine. → Not fine. → Nothing has ever been less fine.

Whatever you think is best. → There is one correct answer, and you don't know it. → Choose poorly and perish.

I was just joking! → I said something outrageous and now I regret being held accountable for it. → The emergency escape hatch of Womanese.

Don't worry about me. → Worry about me. → Preferably immediately.

I'm okay. → I am absolutely not okay. → The smoke signals have been deployed.

I can do it myself. → You should have offered to help me before I had to say this. → Nice timing, Superman.

I don't need your help. → I needed your help ten minutes ago. → But apparently we are both learning lessons tonight.

You never listen to me. → You listened, but you did not agree. → Apparently ears are insufficient. She requires ideological conversion.

You always do this! → You did this once, but it reminded me of six other things. → The archives have been opened.

That's not what I meant. → That isn't the interpretation that benefits me. → Translation services are experiencing technical difficulties.

I was thinking maybe we could... → We are doing this. → The word "maybe" has been legally reclassified as a command.

It's your choice. → Choose the option I already chose. → Congratulations on your freedom of expression.

I don't want anything for my birthday. → I want you to know me well enough to know what I want without asking. → Good luck, Nostradamus.

You didn't have to buy me anything. → You absolutely had to buy me something. → The statement is technically true only if "anything" means "the wrong thing."

I love surprises! → I love surprises that I like. → Surprise her with something she hates and discover the limits of unconditional love.

We should take a vacation sometime. → Start saving money. → The planning committee has already begun.

I just want to look. → We are buying something. → "Looking" is merely the reconnaissance phase.

I don't need another pair of shoes. → I need another pair of shoes. → The existing shoes are apparently from another geological era.

I have nothing to wear. → My closet contains 147 garments, none of which are appropriate for tonight. → Scientists remain baffled.

I don't care what we eat. → I will reject every restaurant you suggest. → Your first mistake was asking.

You choose the movie. → Pick the movie I would choose. → This is an exam. There is no study guide.

Can we talk? → You are about to receive a PowerPoint presentation on your recent failures. → Please remain seated until the turbulence ends.

We need to talk. → Something has already happened. → Gentlemen, assume the worst and work backward.

I have something to tell you. → Prepare yourself emotionally. → The bomb has been armed.

Promise you won't get mad? → You are going to get mad. → The legal department recommends saying absolutely nothing.

I didn't mean to hurt you. → I knew this might hurt you, but I did it anyway. → Intent has entered the chat.

I'm not comparing you to my ex. → I'm comparing you to my ex. → The ex-boyfriend remains undefeated in conversations in which he was never invited.

You're different from other guys. → I have decided you are currently superior to the other candidates. → Enjoy the promotion. It may be temporary.

You're such a nice guy. → You are safe, predictable, and sexually invisible. → The dreaded Nice Guy Certificate has arrived.

I don't usually do this. → I am about to tell you about something I absolutely did before. → History is written by the survivors.

I normally don't give out my number. → You passed the preliminary screening. → Congratulations, applicant. The interview process continues.

I'll text you. → I may text you. → Hope is a powerful drug.

I'll let you know. → Don't hold your breath. → The ancient Womanese phrase for "maybe never."

I'm just seeing where things go. → I haven't decided whether you're worth investing in. → You are currently on probation, Pooky.

Let's not put labels on this. → I want the benefits without the responsibilities. → Welcome to Relationship Limbo.

I don't want drama. → Drama follows me everywhere. → And somehow, mysteriously, it is always someone else's fault.

I'm done with men. → I am currently between men. → The applications remain open.

Men are all the same. → The last several men I selected behaved similarly. → Perhaps the common denominator deserves investigation.

I just want a man who makes me laugh. → I want chemistry, confidence, attraction, emotional security, financial stability, and entertainment. → Apparently you're applying for six jobs at once.

I don't need a man. → I don't need a man to survive. → Correct. But surviving and wanting someone are different departments.

I want a man who can handle me. → I want a man who doesn't immediately surrender to my personality. → At last, a challenge worthy of Da Pooky.

You're too good for me. → I don't want you, but I want you to feel good about why. → A rejection wrapped in a complimentary gift box.

It's not you, it's me. → It is you. → NEXT!

Vermillion-Rx Admin 2w ago

These are pretty spot on

Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 2w ago

I've never done this before!/I don't usually do this! -> I do this all the time, but I want you to feel special and/or not think I'm a slut.

Vermillion-Rx Admin 2w ago

Lmfao yes

This is probably my favorite:

I'm not looking for anything serious → I'm going to become really needy and try to convince you to be in a relationship with me. → She doesn't want to scare you off, but if the dick is good she'll try to get you to stop seeing other women and play games to get your commitment

Alternatively

I'm not looking for anything serious → I deserve a relationship, I'm worth more than just a hookup.

Lmao

Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 2w ago

[In a profile] no hookups/I don't do hookups/etc -> play your cards right, and I'll initiate because I'm super easy!

Vermillion-Rx Admin 2w ago

Lmfao

Wanna collaborate our own womanese post?

Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 2w ago

Well... @deeplydisturbed posted this one at WATGMA, and there are others I can't find at the moment (lack the time for in-depth search), and we've had miniature threads of such throughout WAATGM comments many times...

...and I have other stuff milling about in my head I've been meaning to post...

But sure! It'll be fun.