My revised TRP origin story, by popular request.

RELEVANT CONTEXT:

I have bipolar disorder, autism spectrum disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Many of these events were written about in the context of the impact that they had at those ages and times in my storyline, rather than in the grand scheme of the adult male experience.

EARLY LIFE

My family was fairly normal other than getting heavily over sheltered by my mom because she lost several pregnancies before me and did everything she could to keep me overly safe from the growth I needed as a boy. My dad had the typical blue pill life, didn't get a ton of experience with women before developing oneitis for mom and marrying her despite a lot of factors. I had a lot of behavioral issues at home downstream of living under a sheltered matriarchy.

I started out as a naturally and fairly confident, intelligent, humorous, creative little alpha kid. I generally didn't give a fuck and usually in good spirits and with an unignorable presence to others. I didn't have really any friends until second grade. Begged some boys at final recess to let me hang out with them and they all flatly said "no.'' Incidentally I became the leader of their group less than a year later and one became my best friend and a brother to me for the next 10 years. I learned and exceeded him in all of his skills and hobbies and it shaped my life and skillsets. I was generally highly likeable to most people, and a lot of girls or their friends approached me with confessions of being interested. I made friends easily.

FIRST EXPERIENCE

I finally gave into one of the girls I'd shot down in 4th grade when her and her friend cornered me passing notes during a class movie and I couldn't get away so I just said "yes" even though I didn't give a shit. My mom eventually found out through another girl's mom and was absolutely furious about it and sat me in my room which shook me up because threatened to ground me for a long time and said I couldn't date until I was 16. There was an optional paid school group trip to a couple historical U.S. cities at the end of elementary and the girl also went. I got my first bonding experience and first feelings for a girl and got to do a lot of sightseeing and general travel experience with a girl years ahead of normal schedule.

I started having my first bipolar depressive symptoms, I think because I didn't know how to handle how I felt and also because she and my friends were not going to the same middle school as me and my mom didn't want me to spend time with the girl outside of the trip. The final flight home, she fell asleep next to me on the plane and her arm rested on mine on the arm rest. It was my first experience that was ever like and it was calming and I felt close. Back home she got mad at me for how I acted on the trip (at what were my first bipolar depressive symptoms) and then dumped me a week before middle school and I had a full depressive episode for the first time in my life.

MIDDLE SCHOOL (bipolar disorder)

About a week later my first psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and I got put on more medication than I take now as an adult. My friends went to different schools and I was alone. I started wearing black and darks for the first half of middle school. I became a loner. I was addicted to RuneScape and sometimes played from dawn till bedtime. Was put on Ambien in 6th grade for insomnia which absolutely zombified me for years. I never got to watch any PG-13's, not even with supervision, and one day a friend said he saw "naked pictures of card game characters online" and I thought it was funny and stupid. I searched them for the LOLz and few stray clicks away afterwards my adolescence was instantly fucked up on the spot with an instant hardcore pornography addiction that lasted over a decade.

To this very day, I still think the most consequential domino effect on my male trajectory was my fumble with a girl I'll call Ellie, who even in college managed to stay highly desirable as she developed as a woman. She ended up liking me in 7th grade, but fatefully missed the final day of 7th grade and couldn't tell me that herself, so she had her mom tell my mom to tell me. Because of my earlier experience with mom, I just didn't answer her question of seeing Ellie over the summer. Not "yes." Not "no." Just no answer at all. Social experience with a new girl that my mom supported was in the palm of my hand, and I waited till the start of 8th grade to ask if she liked me and was immediately rejected on the spot, after spending the entire summer with oneitis and hope. I lost all life in me and ended up getting F's in all of my classes and suspended from school for suicidal statements and I ditched classes while my social skills rapidly decayed.

HIGH SCHOOL (autism spectrum)

Started high school with a disability plan, no first period classes, no regular friends. I was still wearing dark, lifeless colors. I couldn't hold much of a conversation with anyone. I saw a counselor and later found this care notes to my mom calling me "the most depressed patient he's ever had" and got diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder by my original psychiatrist. My conversation skills were so bad that by 11th grade I was recycling old stories and pretending they'd just happened to have something to talk about at all.

Four years of daily OCD ruminations about having missed my chance with Ellie years ago and trying to figure out how to get it back broke me and I was so desperate that I found a way to join her one person school job with her. The saddest part was she already had an older boyfriend for a year. My heart was pounding every day I was in that room with her like a fucking idiot and one day I panicked and still shot my shot anyway and immediately got rejected upon asking for her number: "I don't give out my number." Fortunately that school position gave me a lot of visibility because I had to learn everyone's name and interact with a lot of people, which I think actually ended up helping me socially. Funny thing is before I transferred to our college I got some Facebook interest from Ellie but never tried to meet up with her when I got there. Oh well.

SMV IMPROVEMENT

I started making some changes like wearing more colorful clothes, better style, and I tried a fresh hair style. I will never forget the first day I walked into class with a colored shirt, "Hiiii VRRRX!!" one popular girl loudly shouted and then the rest started talking to me after years of being invisible to them. I was far too naive to see that that was actual interest. Hot, popular girls started saying "hi" to me in the hallways and talking to me in gym classes but I had nothing to say. Arguably the hottest girl in high school (to my preferences anyway) asked me if I was going to the dance with anyone and it went over my head as well as her one day asking if "I was doing anything Friday night, because [she] wasn't." I think she even tried to get my phone number.

One hot volleyball player climbed on my back in gym class and her and her popular friend used ultra-feminine sultry voices out of their car window at me after school. I got flirted on hard by seniors, too, like some hot chicks would run into me around town or the mall and talk to me and beg me to tell them who I was going to the dance with (or tried to anyway). A fucking car pulled up to me at 2am once and all I heard was "hiii VRRXX". I didn't even know which chick it was. I got swarmed by far more than that and was completely blind to it all and it's brutal to read myself writing this out.

BLUE PILL HELL

The following semester there was one girl I had known for a couple years who liked me and ended up in one of my classes for the first time. Couple years prior she'd shown up at my house and my parents would let her in (but I was too groggy on Ambien), tried to walk home with me a few times after school, etc. Ended up being on a project with her and hung out with her and started liking her, she kept flirting and putting her arm and leg on me during projects including at her house. I misinterpreted her sadness one day as being bothered by me and I walked into her after school activity minutes after school ended to ask her something and got ejected by staff for perceived poor intentions. I got extremely depressed and kept trying to make amends like a complete bitch until she physically shoved me in a crowded hall shouting "get the fuck away from me!" and it cut deep. I just wanted to be forgiven. She had a brutal conversation with me a month prior explaining to me what basic social skills were and how to start a basic conversation. I actually I owe her a lot for that lecture as degrading as it was at the time.

I'd met another girl, that I will call April, and her friends about 10 days prior. She gave me my first hug at 17. It was like crack cocaine and I was addicted to it. I could never hold or start any conversations beyond openers. I became needy and depressed seeing every other guy do well with her socially whereas I came up short. The more depressed I became, the longer the hugs she gave got. Ended up saying too much beta shit (despite that I wasn't trying to date her) and she ended up cutting off the friendship hard, but not before posting cryptically about it on Facebook and her family publicly commenting to "stay away from the stalker until [they] can talk to her". I never even did such a thing to her, it was deeply painful and degrading to read after the previous accident with the one before her. She didn't let me talk before blocking.

MANIA (bipolar hell)

The worst day of my life, April 16th of that year. I got one hour of sleep and broke down and woke up and planned on ending my life in a parking lot with the rest of my Ambien and texting a few goodbyes. My mom heard the pills rattling in my pocket on the way out the door and took them away from me. I ran away from home and ended up being picked up by police and hospitalized. I tried to make peace with that family after I got out and they accepted my apology only for the mom to sell me out the next day and force to the school to cut me off from April and our mutual friends. I ended up getting hospitalized again for 8 days two weeks later during an intense manic episode of seething rage that caused me to dissociate and emergency services got sent to my house.

I got out and a couple weeks later tried to make amends one final time, but her older brother called me to threaten me and tell me to fuck off. None of my friends were available to talk. I started walking towards the family's house and it wasn't to speak with words. My better judgement prevailed and I walked the opposite way and took my rage out on myself until my entire forearm resembled a crime scene and I only stopped because the pain was too much to continue. I broke down hard. Sat in agony regretting everything that had happened since middle school until the pain got too much to sit in place. The 30-minute walk home was agonizing, I chose the cold wind cutting against my wounds instead or the fabric of my jacket sleeves.

There is so much more about my journey with bipolar disorder that I wanted to add to this post but I just don't have the room. Bipolar disorder has probably shaped my destiny more than autism ever has.

(If you're reading this post, self injury is stupid. It REALLY isn't worth it.)

SOCIAL SKILLS

Junior year ended two weeks later. Summer school started. I met a girl there that came on to me pretty quickly despite that I had zero game and minimal social intelligence. She was always touching me often and strongly, and we went to the mall sort of as an instant-date once. Her mom loved me. She was an extrovert and was always flirting with me intently, and for the first time as an adolescent, I was able to have seemingly endless conversation with a girl. She really helped me access a lot of my former social abilities and some new ones. I made her laugh a lot, messaged her, and learned how to pause and manage not only good but great conversations. I fumbled a lot, including when she lent me her favorite movie she was excited about and instead of asking her to watch it with me just watched it home alone instead of saying "let's hang out and watch it together."

I liked her a lot and she's actually the last girl I genuinely emotionally "liked" in a way that felt like any kind of actual feelings for a woman. I had reciprocated emotions I'd never had and her presence erased everything that had happened the month prior. Summer school ended and a few days later I texted "I miss you." We went on a lunch and movie date. My autistic dumbass didn't know it was a date even though I initiated. Her mom opened the door smiling and the girl was wearing an amazing perfume, nice heels and cute clothes. I showed up in damn khaki shorts and a tee. We started off well, the movie sucked ass and she was pissed. I never made a single move the entire movie or otherwise. Asked her if she wanted to hang out again on the ride home, she said she was "busy all summer." Barely wanted to hug my dumbass when I dropped her off. A few hours later that night I professed my feeeelings and she hit me with:

"Oh MY GOD! You have absolutely TERRIBLE timing! Someone JUST asked me out and I said yes already!! Otherwise I would have said yes."

HATRED

This just absolutely destroyed me after everything I'd just gone through. I went for a barefoot sprint on the street to burn off manic energy till my feet started bleeding, I just wanted to feel nothing but pain. It was overwhelming in the least and I instantly filled with a resurgence of the hatred I'd had let go of and then some. The only thing keeping me grounded the next few days was thinking about all the quotes I'd accumalted and spent 8-10 hour walks thinking about the entire past half year to cope with the previous social errors. It hurt a lot and the more I thought about it the more saddened and angry I got. Everything just felt like a never-ending chain of loneliness and missed opportunities.

FORGIVENESS

I was on such a walk one night with a lot wind, rain and lightning shows, something I'd grown quite fond of after seeing the beauty of many of these before in the night sky. I felt as chaotic as the display of nature and thunder above when I realized my anger and hatred was going to get me killed or in some major trouble at some point. I was fuming over thoughts of April, her parents, and her brother before suddenly putting myself in his shoes and realizing maybe he was just trying to protect his little sister regardless of whether he was right or wrong. I forgave him mentally in the moment and I felt a lot of pain and bright anger leave me. The weight off my shoulder was profound. I started forgiving anyone and everyone over the next two years with a similar thought process, some took longer than others.

There were a lot of things I did in this time I wasn't particularly proud of in acts of revenge, some of which ended up inadvertently helping April and made her revere me for accidentally helping her. I remember the day - the very moment, actually - that I had forgiven everyone enough. I suddenly got my peripheral vision back. I had manically ruminated so much for two years that I was that in my head.

I actually attribute a lot of increase in my social and conversational skills the all the times of having to talk to so many people and articulating what I was thinking and feeling, and having so many philosophical conversations and talks with myself to myself on these long walks and having to reason out my forgiveness for each one. It also greatly influenced my ability to self-reflect deeply and have high emotional control in stressful situations. In some way the pain was a blessing.

"To err is human; to forgive, divine". ~Alexander Pope

THE TRUTH

I ended up dropping out of high school after I got sick of the draconian safety plan they forced onto me and the school psychiatrist constantly laughing at me to my face. They wanted me to make up my missed credits till I was 20 (yes, TWENTY). The principal refused to let me transfer schools and I almost threw a chair through his glass door but opted to drop it out of my grip onto the ground. I chastised admin and the psych on the way out with my forms in my hand and got my G.E.D without even bothering to study for it.

I went to the many graduation parties I was invited to and that's where I abruptly found out half the people in school had lost their V and other antics and was absolutely horrified and felt sick to my stomach. I heard about all the drinking parties and debauched stories involving girls I'd liked half of school. One of the girls I had an emotional attachment to said she had another guy watch her and her boyfriend smash. I thought that was just a thing in porn and older adults did. For fucks sake, I thought the boobs in the first sex scene I ever saw at my best friend's house when I was 12 or so were just really good movie props till I was almost 18. Finding out all of my blissful awareness was an absolute sham that not one adult bothered to inform me of otherwise erased everything I'd thought and known. I felt demoralized especially in light of all the platonic horseshit I'd gone through just to realize how wanted I probably was the whole time.

UN-SHELTERING

After I dropped out of high school I spent a lot of time hanging out with a self-described hypersexual guy friend that I'd just met at a neighbor's party I didn't even get invited to (some hoe invited me as I walked past it). Girls, even typical unassuming ones, would just let this guy get to second base within minutes of meeting him even though he had bad SMV and grooming. I probably saw 20 different girls let him do whatever right in front of whole ass groups of people and just say "sure" to him when I couldn't even figure out how to hold a girl's hand. The most black-pilling thing I saw was his gang member friend effortlessly pull without even trying. Just sheer Zen alpha-fux energy and not one shit given about these chicks, unlike me, a reputable nice guy™. He cold approached like it was breathing. Chicks were addicted to him and he rambled about how he banged 5 chicks in one night and couldn't stop getting laid and had no shortage of stories and it was depressing as fuck all to hear.

My friend became like another brother to me and he and his hypersexual friends were highly supportive of me getting out of my shell. They all made it a top hobby and priority trying to corrupt me. I was around full to partial female nudity and sexual offers all the time that I declined to look at or be part of because I was that hardline blue pill and puritan about everything, never even saw a nip. I can't remember how many of them tried to take all of my firsts (they were legal I just couldn't do it). I had a group of five of them all try to make out with me in one sitting, including one who had a boyfriend. I was surrounded by all of this for over a year and turned every chance down to preserve myself for someone special™ in a relationship. A lot of these girls were very cute and I still sometimes have a lot of regrets about not starting sooner.

PRACTICE

Regardless, I skillfully learned to banter and tease and speak more fluently from all the sexual conversations and antics and ball-busting these people had going on around me. I went from not talking much in groups to being the guy who was funny and had a lot to say, including making innuendos and confidently interacting with sexually charged chicks. It got me used to seeing these situations and vibes as natural states of existence and that having sexual masculine energy gets guys better treatment from women than acting like a dickless needy fag.

I still knew some girls from high school the grade below me, met their friends, did a lot and driving around with them and getting food and inviting them over constantly to hang out (basically similar to casual dates) as well as a lot of solid texting and wording experience. I inadvertently gained nearly all of my fundamental skills for making planned and instant logistics and making plausible deniability from this time in my life without even knowing it. I did work on having some playful asshole energy which helped A LOT. Being balls deep in their friend zones (even though later found out some wanted me badly) without trying to pursue them actually gave me a foundational skillset for my future game.

MY FIRSTS

I was 19 and through that friend I met another guy I became very close friends with. He introduced me to lifting and I got first-time muscles. I was otherwise thin and lanky before. I never got jacked but I had some good definition and within a couple months a chubby chick who was a 5 that I had blocked and rejected at a graduation party the year prior ended up at a park hangout of the girl who ended up being my girlfriend. She pulled me to a nearby house after that she was dog-sitting at and leaned on me for two movies. I didn't cuddle but considered it because I never had before. We traded numbers and ended up hanging out every other day for the next two months.

I didn't have all my firsts at once. I ended up kissing her on an incidental escalation and slowly worked my way up to everything every few days till I lost my virginity. I got piss drunk by accident after seeing my first boobs and after she left that night I tried to "celebrate like a man" and poured an entire cocktail glass of whiskey because I'd never had liquor and didn't know better about measuring. She ended up showing my friends her boobs in truth or dare and then branching to a loser so we went our separate ways. Funny enough, she still texts me out of the blue some times even though she's married now. We'd only had sex twice and I had no idea that was the last sex I'd have for another 9 cold years.

FIRST GIRLFRIEND

A month or so later I ended up messing around with the other chick and was nearly all of her firsts before giving into a relationship. This was a horrible mistake. I should never have made her anything more than a FWB. She had actual schizophrenia and was a mess. I couldn't break up with her because she said she would have no reason to live and wanted to marry me. The bright side was I got very, very good at foreplay, rapport skills, dates, and being a boyfriend from a year of being with this chick. I never had sex with her because I was terrified of knocking her up, even with protection. Eventually I broke up with her and she met someone. She was devastated and I'll never forget the look on her face. I went off to college that year broken and watered down, as I had become a groveling beta male who had lost most of his drive and sexually charged energy I'd learned before her

7-YEAR DRY HELL SPELL

From the last time she got me off I had absolutely no sexual intimacy with another woman for 7 years. I laid down with a drunk girl in the dorm to help her fall asleep and immediately left when she passed out and I had some girls pity-rub my back when I was having intense mania in college but that was it. I had absolutely NOTHING for 7 years, and no full sex for 9 years.

In hindsight, I had a lot of girls show me interest in but I didn't want them because I wanted to marry someone from college like my parents did and the girl who took my V told me men having casual sex was unattractive and men having a low body count was "super good." (LOL!) I wanted to keep myself as pure and good as possible for my blue-pill dream wife. By the end of my first year of college I was open to sex but had gotten deeply depressed at how lonely I was which was stupid because so many girls were in and out of my dorm or apartment all the time and going to late food runs with me and driving and hiking with me. I played piano once in the university lobby and a girl said "aww do you haaavveee to leave?" My naive dumbass.

I had some other events I don't have room to talk about but this time period was brutally hard. I developed a horrible contamination OCD with cleaning and hygiene and generally severe anxiety. I think I wanted to keep myself and my bed clean as a learned form of sexual dysfunction from not having any physical touch and trying to be obsessively ready for it. It was severe enough that 8 years later I'm still unlearning some of the OCD habits. I was given benzodiazepines for the severe anxiety and got close enough to overdosing one particularly lonely and frustrating night where I slammed down two of them with 5 shots of tequila-rum.

FINDING THE RED PILL

I was frustrated about one girl during the time of the overdose scare in October 2016 that led me on in a way, not that I even had any game to get her. "I'm not ready to date" she said as she went on a number of Tinder dates during the time she said she was "busy", as she used me for studying and more. I was bitter and jaded one night and Googled "why don't women want me?" and then "why are all women sluts?" out of sheer anger and confusion. I found some random no-name pickup artist page that footnoted "Red Pill Theory." I searched it and found r/TheRedPill and thought it was a joke that the only result was just a subreddit, I'd never used Reddit at all. I backed out of the page after just seeing some angry posts and then when I couldn't find any other pages I came back right away and read more with an open mind.

The sidebar and the posts on the front page automatically resonated and resolved every single confusion I had about why nothing worked for me. It also clarified why what happened with April, etc., had happened. My life suddenly made complete sense and changed forever in an instant. I spent the next few years reading Red Pill books and watching game content on YouTube and participating in r/TheRedPill comments. The next 3 years were subsumed with trying to apply to grad school, traumatic work stress at a psych facility where I worked with super fucked up female clients giving me level: impossible difficulty shit tests and I had developed some PTSD from handling some of the violent male clients. Another year was the COVID lockdown and heavy 18-hour-a day+ gaming addiction when COVID got me laid off of a healthcare job. I tried some cold approaches in different settings before lockdown but not much with women happened in those 3 years after undergrad.

BPD HOE

I started playing co-ed sports around the same time I started running game amidst COVID lockdown winding down. I tried Tinder but I didn't get any promising matches. I was reading Day Bang by Roosh V which had amazing game advice. I was about to kill myself from having no touch for 7 years and was seriously planning it. My friends from sports got me to join swing-dancing on a night they went there and a borderline personality disorder chick that had flirted with me the past year and hung out with me a few times had just become single. She was my first dance and they got me to ask a few randos, too. We ended up fucking one day I was hanging out with her I felt a massive weight off of my shoulders. Those 7-9 years were absolute fucking misery and caused a lot of psychological and self-image damage.

Well she was NOT fun. She re-RedPilled me up the ass without lube and made me re-realize why TRP exists. She lasted a week as a plate and only after 2 lays and some other stuff. She broke at a house party after going for another dude before swiping on Tinder with everyone at the party and calling guys "hot." She slept in my friend's bed while I was too drunk to drive home and couldn't sleep at all on 5x my backup sleep meds. She tried to fuck the whole group after that. I ended up fucking a Tinder hoe two weeks after we parted ways and almost fucked a second one shortly after before a bit of a 10-month dry spell. I didn't do much swing dance in this time because I wasn't very good and kept getting depressed and discouraged getting "no's" all night while seeing the experienced dudes clean up and be popular.

PRESENT DAY

After some bad online dating experiences I gave swing dance another shot and have consistently gone. I had some bad dates, sets, and layup fumbles and an IRL TRP-aware friend in 2022 helped me understand what was wrong with my game. It flipped a switch I just started being more polarizing, touching them more, keeping some more mystique and riding high brazen vibes whenever I could tell the iron was hot. Got logistics mastered. I started pulling a fuck ton, getting a ton of dates, started fucking more dating app girls and got god-tier swing lead skills and social proof at any venue and have pulled seemingly a fifth of my large venue at this point.

My social and game skills are amazing now, I've had many FWBs, addictive in the sack and can talk to almost anyone. I can pull from brief social meets, apps, and whatever. I can lead very well and have become extremely confident since applying TRP. I turn down more women than I fuck and women pull themselves a lot, I've had more pay for me than them, etc. Got invited to be the TRP admin a couple years into this success. I owe everyone who helped me along the way.

If you're a guy who is struggling, make friends (A LOT OF THEM), get a lot of hot skills and hobbies, put yourself out there no matter how bad it fucking blows and change what doesn't work and keep what works. Don't fix what isn't broken.

Anyway, that's my TRP origin story.

~VRX