Wow, this is gonna be a long one so please bare with me. So, I basically LTR'd this virgin girl (actually a virgin), and I got fucking hooked bad. Ignored all the red flags about her, I was her first for everything, and I mean everything. It got to the point where the relationship was just straight up toxic because of who she was as a person and mental state. We broke up like 8 times, and most recently this time I found out she was cheating in the days leading up to this break up.
That was what I needed, I typically would have chased after her, begged her to come back, and it always worked. No, not this time, I blocked her on everything, deleted all the photos, and moved back in with some family as we were currently living together.
It's only day 4 so everything is fresh. I have a good buddy who basically sat down and talked with me for hours, just ingraining it into my brain that this is for the best. My heart wants otherwise, but my brain knows I should move on.
I started going back to the gym today, going to write some short terms goals I wanted to focus on like getting a new car, and working on a promotion.
What do I do during those moments where it's just me and my thoughts? The thought of her doing the same shit that I introduced her to romantically and sexually to someone else just sends me over the edge. I guess I understand what they meant by it was just my turn.
The break up itself was ugly, she was spamming my phone hours on end after I straight up didn't reply like I typically do from our previous break ups. My buddy basically held me hostage and made me block and delete all digital traces of my ex.
My minds racing at an insane pace, and this post is going to be all over the place, but I need to get it out.
The relationship started when we were co-workers both in retail. She was a couple months into 18, and I was 26. She told me that was abused as a child and assaulted, but I gave her a chance because I thought I could show her what "love" is. It was a mistake.
In my 26 years of life at the time, I hadn't had any serious relationships, and neither did she. She had issues with her attitude, constantly wanted to argue, and had major issues with anger, and being unable to resolve issues without running away from them. Anytime we got into an issue in the relationship she would just opt to break up, while I was the one to try and push through. This continued on in a repetitive cycle, each time thinking that maybe the next time we got back together she would change, or the relationship would get better.
Being my first real relationship, no amount of consuming RP content prepared me for the challenges I would face. I learned a lot about myself, and she highlighted a lot of my flaws that I need to work on for my next relationship.
The time leading up to the 8th break up was absolutely hell. She had rolled her ankle, so she couldn't work, and essentially was up to me to cover rent and provide financially. We already in a tight spot financially and her getting hurt put us over the edge. I offered to cover her side of the rent, in return if she could pay me back her portion. Since she wasn't working, I told her to compensate by at least helping out around the house, or running errands. She also hated cooking, so she never cooked. Eventually it fell upon me to do everything around the house at times.
She complained that on the days she had come home from work, she was too tired to do anything since she worked night shift. She would complain that she did do her part tidying up every so often, but only after I would have to nag her to do it. After a certain point it felt like I was doing everything, and getting nothing in return except sex.
As well she would never take accountability for anything, and project what she did wrong on me and portray me as the villain. I had my fair share of fuck ups in the relationship don't get me wrong, but she never took it upon herself to improve herself.
Fast forward to the break up a couple days ago, I did some snooping because she gave me no closure. Her initial reason for breaking it off this time was that I hyper fixated on her paying me back her portion of the rent, and that she just wasn't happy for the majority of the relationship. Come to find out, she had been talking to some guy and planned to hook up with him. She avoided becoming a cheater by breaking it off with me to save her the guilt of her actions.
Couple days post break up I'm starting to realize I got too complacent. I stopped going to the gym, and she would constantly say "no babe you don't need to go back to the gym, I love you how you are", bullshit. She convinced me that she stop leaving and breaking up, and start communicating, bullshit. She said that I was too emotionally available, yet when I would communicate it would set her off and become defensive. In all this relationship really fucked with me mentally. It's okay though, because while she's out there starting her cock-carosul degrading her value. Which is funny because one of the times we broke up was because she wanted to enjoy hook up culture and not be in a long term relationship. Ive blocked her on all socials, phone number, etc, and deleted all pictures of her, and began throwing away everything she gave me.
While I may be fucked up emotionally for a while I went back to the gym today as a start, and will begin focusing on getting a promotion at work, and the car I've been wanting to get for months.
preach 3mo ago
This is good.
Also good.
Yep. I and many other men have been in this exact same position you are in now, thinking that this woman who was our everything now wants to take that newfound knowledge and have fun with someone else. Maybe now you understand better why some, such as myself, say that men are the truly romantic of the two sexes.
This is the first part of your post that states clearly that this young woman is in no way stable enough to be in a mature, healthy relationship with anyone. Recreational use only.
This is another indicator of what I said above.
The third indicator.
You do not need closure. It's very clear to anyone who reads this what the problems were. If you need closure it's because you were emotionally more invested in her than she was in you. Your buddy who has sorta held you hostage is doing the right thing helping you out. You need to buy that man a few rounds and a lap dance, minimum.
This is the last quote I'm using, and I picked it out because you need to realize that have a certain mental attitude toward life will be essential for YOU to make a serious LTR work with another woman. I had a similar problem myself because I am also wired the same way you are. If I ended up seeing a woman several times and could tell she has a more complacent attitude toward life in general, she goes into the recreational use only category. If by 6 months into it a woman hasn't shown you that she has drive, ambition or some sort of inclination that she's trying to do better, than accept her for what she is and don't expect that she'll change.
Continue doing what you're doing, focus on the gym, work, do things to improve yourself and relations with the stable people in your life, your friends and family. Women will always be available for fucking regardless of how old you are, where you're at in life, or what you've got going for yourself. What is important is that you learn how to better distinguish what women go into the serious LTR category.
Overkill_Engine Endorsed Contributor 3mo ago
For the young bucks out there, never expect or rely upon a woman to get better. And any improvements they do make will not be used to your benefit. Society is rife with men that helped bankroll a woman's education just to have her trade up once the ink on the diploma was dry.
So a woman is either good enough when you meet her to make the cutoff for something better than recreational usage only (with a comfortable margin for the usual time related deterioration), or she simply is not and don't waste your time and energy trying to help her get above that cutoff.
And don't forget for even a second that they wouldn't give you the time of day if you didn't make their cutoff. Give them the exact level of loyalty that they earn, and no more.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3mo ago
Not to just say that anyone is a narcissistic personality ho when shit goes sideways but you might be interested in looking at some of the content I've been posting on . reds
Seeing some of the same toxic shit i just went through myself that i was somehow not prepared for either despite knowing better.
I'm glad you got away this time, but stay away this time. I don't know if you said you two still live together but make sure she's out.
The videos I've been watching have explained why these people give you zero closure (above and beyond the lack of closure normal women barely provide)
Wkekdkek 3mo ago
Why do these kind of people provide no closure actually?
It’s very interesting
Mofreer 3mo ago
I used to be like this. When I broke up with someone, I gave no closure and sought none in return.
At the time, it made sense to me. I thought cutting things off completely would force me to move on. But I never stopped to consider the other person’s emotions or how it might affect them.
This was especially true in two cases where the women were deeply attached to me. They kept texting me and even stayed sexual partners with me, without me having to put in any effort, simply because I never gave them closure.
Looking back, it’s the only thing I regret not doing. Now, I make sure to offer reasoning and explanations because I understand how hurtful my actions were.
With that in mind, you should recognize that her refusal to give you closure stems from the very thing you’re struggling with now: moving on. So do exactly that, move on. Don’t seek closure from her.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3mo ago
Control. It keeps you under their narcissistic mystique knowing that you still need them.
Also they only want people for their own gain. Genuine NPDs work overtime giving themselves a positive image to the world to conceal their hideous nature. They aren't going to tell you they only wanted you to serve them. That's the answer. That's the closure, but they are never going to admit that that was the heart and soul of your relationship with them, that you were just supply for them.
You'll ever get closure with a narcissist because they are never going to give that reason to you or anyone. And furthermore sometimes they don't know. It's not like narcs found a manual on how to be a narc, it's a genuine personality disorder. They are shielding themselves, they are constantly running away from how insecure and lonely they are deep down, they don't necessarily even know why they're abusing you
So you won't get an answer because 1 they'll never tell you and 2 they don't understand why they themselves are doing this, only that they are
Wkekdkek 3mo ago
Makes a lot of sense actually. No closure cause they never really gave cared.
Isn’t it kinda like BPD chicks? From my experience they just drop you in a heartbeat because you no longer serve/make them happy/interest them because of whatever reason and they just move on in a second.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3mo ago
Yes. NPD and BPD are both cluster B's
All cluster B disorders feature narcissistic characteristics
Durek_The_Bald 3mo ago
Yeah, you have to be brutally judgemental when it comes to women and their sob stories - and what they mean for your level of involvement with them. If true, that's a shame, and you can empathise with a shitty childhood. But it also means they're broken, and out of contention as far as you're concerned.
And if they're just straight up lying - which is always very possible - that's obviously just as big of a red flag too. So either way, whether true or not, sob stories - especially during the courtship process - means "do not proceed".
Women who have their head screwed on straight may have experienced bad things too. But they don't manipulatively lead with sob stories to garner sympathy, or to trigger guilt and protective instincts in you. People who've worked through their shit will be uncomfortable being perceived as victims, while people who haven't will actively seek victimhood status.
sweatybadger 3mo ago
Her playing victim was a constant reoccurrence. She would take no accountability, and always flip the script to make it seem like I was the bad guy. She would also use her age as an excuse as to why she hasn't been able to work through her traumas etc, which is utter bullshit. But it's in the past now, she's been spamming me the past 48 hours non-stop though.
Durek_The_Bald 3mo ago
Take it as a learning experience. People who seek victimhood status need to be kept out of your personal sphere - no matter how much you may or may not empathise with whatever did or didn't happen to them. Because people who seek victimhood need people to cast as villains in the story of their life.
You got out of this one scot-free, because you're young, and she did some stupid shit that made the relationship untenable. But that was just dumb luck. This whole going back and forth eight times doesn't bode well for you if you keep at it, and don't develop stronger boundaries and a willingness to be ruthlessly judgemental.
Giving women like this (perpetual victims) chance after chance is how guys end up getting thrown out of their own homes, with a fake protective order order on their ass, and having their kids subjected to parental alienation. Victims always need villains.
The spamming is easy to deal with. Just block her everywhere.
Jackmoter 3mo ago
The thing that has helped me get over all my break ups... Reading the top TRP posts. That shit works. Get out, meet up with as many friends as possible, I bet you've been neglecting them a bit too.
What lessons have you learned though?
How are you going to stop yourself becoming complacent in your relationship? How are you going to make sure you never date damaged goods again?