Had a FWB for over 2 years. Naturally RP (from family not ex), slim, highly feminine, submissive, gorgeous but didn't know it type. Easily the best chick I've been with by a long shot. Long story short I kept her on rotation (had a few lesser chicks going), didn't escalate it much with texts etc or asking how work was, let her do arranging dates when she had time off work, but when we were together it was very close and date-y and I found myself getting very emotionally attached to her. Anyway, because I used indifference game for the entire time, expecting her to validate herself to me over time, but she read it as total non-investment, so she naturally entertained new prospects and was getting fucked by another dude since summer. I sensed something had changed so I outright asked, when she told me and said to her that I'd actually come to love her and I couldn't go on knowing what was going on. Turns out she'd fallen for me me but didn't want to run me off so never pushed for more. She was practically begging me to start again with her but in my mind I can't see her the way I did before. The fact that I've been sharing this chick that I basically loved has caused a huge rupture in my psyche and my ego. I know she was never mine and never felt like mine but I'm ruminating on the fact that my setting a few boundaries here and there would have prevented all this. I'm plagued by a thousand what-ifs. And the oneitis is fucking brutal. My emotions are screaming that she was this amazing chick that would have been great as an LTR, that I missed out on this incredible experience that I never got to have with her. She was a real gem. But I can't go back now, not after my guy has been dropping it in raw every week as she bites his shoulder.
Ever had experience with this? Any advice on what to do, or how to let go? How do I rationalise this? I'm trying to not let this derail my whole shit.
Redpillpusher 1y ago
Today I was day trading & bought an option (basically a bet on the direction a price would go if you don't know), then sold it for about 13% profit. After about 20 min. I looked at the the current price & saw if I had waited I would have made 26% profit. 4 hours ago I looked at it again & saw that if I had held it until the end of the day I would have made over 100% profit. I agonized over this fact for a few hours & told myself that this Tuesday I'm going to rush to buy back ASAP before I told myself that isn't smart because usually once the price of an option or stock changes that wildly, the stock market punishes the latecomers still expecting to see results like that. In the end, I told myself that all I can do is analyze why I made the incorrect decision & learn from my mistake moving forward.
coolsocks00 1 1y ago
Your issue now boils down to oneitis. Whatever you do going forward, you have to deal with your damaged views of yourself and of that woman. No more pedestalizing, no more "i missed out"; you have to set yourself as your mental point of origin, and be the prize. Outcome independence.
Until the time you have your head on straight again - which needs to be ASAP - everything you do is gonna suck. Staying in contact with her - it's gonna suck. Not contacting her - it's gonna suck.
But once you get that straight, you're in control again. Whatever you do it's suddenly not gonna suck. Because your perspective is different, you're outcome independent, DGAF and can do what you want.
I suggest you wait until then before looking back again. With the firm understanding that there are no unicorns; never have been, never will.
If you're looking back later, and come to a realisation that the only problem you had with this girl was your bruised ego at the time, you're always free to reach out. We've already told you before, PLATES are for fun. You cannot operate with covert contracts of one-way exclusivity. And attractive women are gonna have sex. The only issue is - was - your oneitis that came into play. Which is a naturally masculine tendency, but a blue pilled one.
TL;DR: Outcome independence. You're the prize. Otherwise you cant set a good frame in any relationship, casual or not.
alfon335 1y ago
Feels like the same exact situation I went through emotionally. I also had a plate turned FWB turned GF who I fell in love in time who also loved me but found out about her fucking someone else when I was too indifferent initially when she was a plate.
I tried to make it work with this girl for a few months after finding it out but all it did was deepen the damage to my psyche to the point where I went almost insane, and I think it hurt her too since I dragged it out and didn’t leave immediately. Not only do I feel “betrayed” now but I also feel responsible for dragging it out with her and breaking up and hurting too.
Right now I cut off all drinking/smoking, began working out twice a day and staying productive all the time just to cope. Otherwise, I would probably self-destruct and cause damage to myself and others. Hoping this will turn out great for me since I have turned my life around 180 degrees to basically being like a robot but we will see long term.
Some men might be able to do that, but I couldn’t take the risk to stomach this shit. What if you spend such mental battles and in the end it still doesn’t work out? It would probably be 1000x worse. I think you need to “fall out of love” or lose oneitis if that makes sense for it to work, but then what’s the point of such a relationship? You can be TRP all you want but in the end I do believe you can love in the BP way (while understanding what is happening to you and that AWALT/TRP applies) and have a great relationship with a woman as long as you never compromise your boundaries or self respect.
My advice is cut it off now and focus on yourself and don’t try to dig deeper to find out why it all happened. You will begin blaming yourself and destroy yourself mentally. For me, one day it felt like I could rationalize it and all was great but then the next morning I would have my gut screaming again. If you are like me, you will struggle. Each day more and more until you will become mentally unstable up to the point where I felt constantly zoned out and not even in control of myself. I wish I cut it off the moment I found out and didn’t try to rationalize shit back then.
Almost a month has passed now since last seeing her. I blocked her everywhere since she would still reach out. I don’t know if it will get better but I hope it does one day (logically it should). FUCKING OTHER GIRLS WON’T HELP. You are in love with the way she made you feel - a reflection of yourself. She added to your ego and then BROKE it. In the meantime I decided to just take on as much external pain (working out, cutting all vices, work overtime) since the emotional pain is unbearable anyway, so what’s to lose?
Look up retroactive jealousy. You can reach out to me if you want, I am glad to assist.
EDIT:
Also, to help rationalize for the sake of EGO and move on, I suggest if you find youself in an “aha moment” where it clicks that she is not this amazing girl, or are able to blame her and regain confidence for a moment, do NOT go back or contact ever again. This is your chance to regain ego and male hamster the blame on her. I wasted a few chances like that by regaining confidence/ego and retrying again with her thinking I now have the upper hand and shit only to go back to the same shit and digging the wound deeper.
proximo 1y ago
Thanks for taking the time bro. Sounds very similar indeed and I'm sorry you're going through it. I have also become almost robotic in the face of the most emotional trauma I've ever felt. Reality is I'm behind in life too. I haven't got my shit together as a man. I'm fit, good looking, good game, but broke. So this shit has effectively zeroed me out. And that's my fault. Guess I got comfortable having this hot chick around to fuck like an animal. To get back up to that level of female again looks like a mountain. And the unicorn-itis is telling me there isn't any chicks like that, not with that soft feminine RP personality and that hot to boot. I feel like I've fallen a thousand storeys into a pit. Not to be too melodramatic. But maybe you're right, maybe I needed this to really set a fire under my ass and sort my life out. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
The thing thats fucked me up most is that she's had this whole phase of her life with this dude, at the same time as I was seeing her. Because they started a business together (long story she's a dancer and she met him at a festival where he recruited her for a dance school - I made another post) so they've had all that rapport, little jokes together, sharing nudes, he steals her away to make out at practise, she gets on her knees in the broom closet. They're dancers, its intimate, steamy, sexy. She's free and hot, why not. All while I was sitting there the past 7 months thinking how I'm falling for this chick. I know all that shit happened because I saw behind the curtain. I saw the IG posts. I saw the messages.
An I'm like you, semi-rationalised back to emotional desolation every day. You know, I was hoping fucking other girls would help. Some younger, hotter, tighter, although you couldn't get much tighter than her. I'm not even at liberty to do that right now so the fact that she's bouncing on bro's cock for new years, and I'll be nursing a beer with a few local buddies with girlfriends is also cracking my mind up.
Fuck knows man, this shit is crazy. And it's very novel to me. I've never felt that way about a chick. Theres been a few fleeting moments where my pragmatic mind has clicked into control and I've seen light. I don't know if she's going to reach out again, because I won't for the sake of my sanity. It's my birthday in a few days, maybe she will. But if she does, I'm going to heed your word, I'll tell her I'm not going to be able to walk away from her a second time. Like you said, the whole thing is poisoned. I want to leave this all behind, not poke at the wound. So I guess I'll never see this girl again for as long as I live. And that's fucking crazy too.
I guess it's back to the grindstone until this shit heals eh.
alfon335 1y ago
I don’t know what’s best for you my man but I decided to end the relationship with my ex and live with the consequences. I am hopeful that the following is correct:
1) the broken emotional state we feel is just our body’s way of feeling betrayed/gut feeling telling us that the girl is not right for us (preventing us from getting cucked) and also withdrawal symptoms from emotional attachment, which leads to:
2) I think we need time to lose emotional attachment and our minds will stop playing tricks on us (trying to convince that she was this such great girl).
Because just think about it - why did we not think of our girls as being such catches initially? Ok, I was in abundance too with my ex back then but I hesitated to think of something more from us from the start. There must be a reason why we thought that way and the reason we now think otherwise is because we got attached to these women because we spent lots of time together and also because of the way these girls made us feel. Also loss aversion.
We should focus on why we believed these girls as non LTR material initially (we sensed red flags). There are some which I noticed and there must be some you noticed too (but later on we decided that maybe they aren’t that red or even forgot about them). Don’t second guess your initial judgement. Or else you will live in denial and self-blame. It’s just oneitis/brain chemistry playing tricks on us. Your intuition knew what’s right back then. That’s what I am trying to focus on and I know that it is the truth, just I am waiting for the attachment to die down.
What we also must learn is to validate our ego from within. Admittedly, I have narcissistic tendencies and it is a flaw of mine as for the longest I used to boost my ego from women/sex. But by doing this I gave a woman the power to break me. Hence, I decided to go all in on self-improvement. You said you have your life together but still have some areas where you lack. You should do something to push yourself in that area as much as you can as well.