Hello, I was seeing a recent immigrant from Asia for 1.5 months. She's in her late 20s and met her via online dating. I was seeing her every 1-2 weeks and she would come over and we would smash. We smashed on the first date. Eventually she told me she wants kids/marriage, and I told her I am not looking for any of those things because I've already been divorced but we can see each other and spend quality time. We continued to smash a bit longer and she basically just stopped responding to me and saying it's not her culture to sleep around. I've messaged her a couple of times and she's cold and says "What do you want"? like she doesn't know me/like me.
I also went out with this 44 year old woman, we smashed on the first date at a hotel (bc her place and my place wasn't convenient). We met up again next week and she came to my place (I live in a basement because of financial devastation due to divorce but have my own bathroom/entrance). We smashed and then the next day she texted about a movie she was interested in. I am not a movies fan so I said I'm not into movies. Anyways 3-4 hours later, she breaks up with me over text saying she doesn't see this working because:
"We are both hurt and I can't get hurt or vice versa. Certain things are too heavy on me and I don't want to break your heart before we get any closer". I told her we can be casual and then she's like "It's not that I am looking for serious commitment but it cannot be like whatever either. You have many commitments. You have certain responsibilities. I want a person who stable and who is confident in his abilities to embrace me in his life who can be my friend and lover".
Not sure where that came from but I did mention after sex that "I will k*ll myself if she gets pregnant" as we had unprotected sex. But that was the first date, and we had sex the 2nd date as well.
What am I doing wrong? Both girls broke up with me the same week and soon after the sex. For context i'm in my late 30s.
I appreciate any insights as I find it odd that both girls just walked away so easily after multiple rounds of sex, when I thought we were enjoying each other's company? Like we would go to dinner/bar, and then come back to my place for sex. So not sure why they walked away.
imtranscending 1y ago
Maybe it's reading posts like this and experiencing this shit to a lesser degree (people abruptly taking off) is the reason why I have trouble emotionally connecting. Multiple rounds of good sex and bonding and they dipped like that?
These women were once innocent and virgin women. Ffs.
Ocbbbbbbbb 1y ago
Why are you putting hoes on a pedestal
imtranscending 1y ago
No one's doing that
SSeuSS 1y ago
First of all IN GENERAL don't look problems within yourself. Its dating market its fucked not you. What you can improve is:
You dated them shortterm. Be vague in first months (unless you 100% don't want to) to build connection. Dont listen what they say, them smashing on 1st date is not indicative of slut but neither of being saint. But since you rejected marriage right away they MAYBE went to look.for husband and/or they didnt like.you that much and/or they didnt find your smv high enough.
Never discuss anything over text, ever
You probably will get he is a bot comment after this one. Inspect your behavior man because this sounds bad. I guess on that shit alone sane girl would be prompted you have personality disorder and benefits she was getting from staying around didnt outweigh the cons.
Investing too much?
helenj 1y ago
Thank you for the guidance. I need to be a lot more vague and careful what I say going forward. I appreciate your input.
Lone_Ranger 1 1y ago
what he said. I don't think you did much wrong here. Be thankful that you got some low-investment action, most guys will kill for that. think of the positive - if you were able to get low commitment action so quickly, with such little outlay, you will be able to get more action in the future again.
With the asian chick...sounds like you revealed your intentions too quickly. There's no harm in being a bit vague.
with the 44 year old - sounds like she realised that you weren't going to solve all her financial issues. (she'll have loads).
Don't sweat it brother. Make some small adjustments, keep going. YOu'll be fine.
dongking 1y ago
Yeah be more vague. "Let's see what happens" and "I enjoy spending time with you" etc. and then just don't give out commitment, unless you really like her and you've screened her well for LTR material.
Remember, they're women and women don't like feeling like just a fuckhole. So give them some plausible deniability that there's atleast a chance for more.
All men would like a relationship with a good woman, so technically you're not lying or being dishonest, you're just in the vetting process of finding out if she's good enough or not. It's not your fault if she's not qualified for the job.
Also date younger girls. 18 to 27 ish max. Late 20's and mid 40's(!) are mostly searching for a beta to rescue them from their bad life choices.
And as a bonus, get out of that basement ASAP. If you're almost in your 40's there's no excuses living like a bum. Divorce or not. Sort yourself out. That's a proper SMV downer.
helenj 1y ago
Makes a lot of sense thank you. The basement allows me to save money as I have a lot of debt from my divorce and need to pay the ex as well. If i move out it will be at least 2x more expensive and slow down my repayment plan. Im basically prioritizing my finances over pussy now in the hopes that long term I will have better shots.
Lone_Ranger 1 1y ago
understandable. Divorce usually cleans a man out. I recall living in a house with one coffee table, one chair and bare bulb hanging from the ceiling. Ex-wife had stolen everything of value from the house. A friend of mine came around and said it looked like a film set for movie called 'desperation'. The way this works is as follows: Things will get slowly better and better for you, and slowly worse and worse for your ex-wife. That's how it plays.
When I got divorced, by ex took all the money in final settlement rather than continues payments. I'm now in big house on a hill with a pool and a couple of acres. My ex-wife is an a rental apartment, worrying about the energy bills. My current wife is 9 years younger than my ex wife, and much hotter. I have two cars, ex wife has none.
helenj 1y ago
Your story is quite motivational. I love hearing how other divorced men made it out and doing better. I just finished mine a year ago and I literally lost 15 years of savings and hard work. And unfortunately I have to pay her until kids are 18 or finished college, which can go up until 22.
A friend of mine also came by and said my place looks "sad". Lol...
How long did it take you to recover financially? Did you start a business, or get a part-time job? Did you go back to school?
Lone_Ranger 1 1y ago
I thought about going back to school, but in the end, I just started my own consultancy business. First I worked for one year for a consultancy, and I learnt how to pitch. How to put a proposal to together, now to negotiate terms. I hated it, and the owner was a total psycho. But it was worth it - I learnt what I needed to learn and went out on my own. I regarded that year as my apprenticeship - it was not easy.
The best thing I learnt was that you will never get paid what you deserve. You will get paid a % of the value you create. You need to figure out how to do things that other people are not able to do. I realised that everyone hates pitching, everyone hates public speaking, they hate giving presentations and wining work. So that is what I focused on. the only thing that has value is scarcity.
After the hard year I went out on my own, with my own consulting business. It's a bit scary. The biggest thing I think is training yourself to reject negative thoughts. For example, if you hear yourself saying that you are an introvert, just shout 'bullshit - I enjoy the company of others'.
I would also seek out the company of other divorced men or mens groups in general.There is no doubt in my mind that men are last group in society for which open discrimination is tolerated. I will give you an example: the phrase 'toxic masculinity' is common place and accepted. Imagine if I started posting about 'toxic Jewishness' or 'toxic blackness'. I'd be be banned. Because you're not allowed to generalise about a cohort of society. Unless its about men, then its fine.
Early on I met a guy who took me aside and said 'it's going to get better for you - perhaps more slowly than you would like. But it will get better and better.' He was right.
Another great phrase: "The best revenge is to live well" - try and forget about your ex. Just focus on making your life great.
Good luck brother - check back in now and again.
helenj 1y ago
Thanks for sharing your story. I am a 9-5er and desperately trying to figure out how to start my own business to offset my monthly court ordered allowance to my ex.
Lone_Ranger 1 1y ago
Tell me more about what you do. one place to start would be to move across to sales. Tell them you'd like to help selling the business. Once you learn how to sell, you can move. Heres' the thing: sales people are the highest paid people in the world. When they get to a certain level, they are no longer called sales people. The head of IMF is a sales person - he is employed to sell the narrative of the business. Ditto the head of the Federal Reserve. He doesn't actually do any of the work -he sells the work. Ditto the head of Apple etc. He doesn't design phones. He sells them. A partner at a law firm is a sales guy. Same with the top guys at a consulting firm. They are all sales men, even if it doesn't say so on their business card. The guys in Monaco getting off helicopters and into yachts, they are all sales guys. None of them are doers.
Once you understand that, you understand how business works. You can do stuff or sell stuff. Doer's are ten a penny and their income is limited. You can always find someone else to do that work for a lower rate. Sellers get much more money.
helenj 1y ago
Funny enough, I've had this realization over 15 years ago and I have been told by friends I'm good at Sales. But for some reason, I ended up in Data analytics as a way to justify my business degree. And I have thought about going into sales or starting my own side hustle, just haven't made time for it. Let me know if you're looking for a junior partner to your consulting business? : - P
Lone_Ranger 1 1y ago
If you have been doing data analytics for 15 years, you should find it easy enough to pivot across to selling data analytics. Because you know more than the average sales dude about data analytics, you're more valuable to the end client. There is an age old adage about only changing 1 thing at a time when you are growing your career - so, if you can, stay in data analytics but move across to the sales side. Then when you are confident at selling data analytics, you can move across to a different employer. You see what I mean about changing only one thing at a time?
Strangely I know a guy at my tennis club that is basically head of sales for a large data analytics company, and I know for sure that he is pulling in at least £500k a year, probably more. I can tell because I have seen his house! That's entirely logical, because the value of the sales is so high.
The other thing I would say is that you have got to get it out of your head that loyalty pays. Loyalty to a company is heavily penalised from a financial point of view. The longer you stay and the more you fall behind in terms of pay. It's hard to find new people, so they offer more for the new guy. The loyal guy that toils away tirelessly, putting in long nights, for years and years? Yeah, he gets the worst pay. Make sure you keep moving from employer to employer seeking the highest salary. Loyalty is for your wife, kids and your dog.
is that maybe what happened to you? Did you spend too long at the same employer? If you look at the fields with the highest pay in london, they move employer about every 2 years (investment banking, advertising, high end law etc).
whytehorse2021 1y ago
These are 2 separate issues. When you get with a trad/con Asian woman it's presumed you want to get married and have kids. They don't have hook-up culture, they have red light districts for that sort of thing. It's a common misundertanding amongst Western men. I've slept with several whores that I thought were legit chicks but because we met at a bar or in a certain district it turns out they're married and just out for a ONS. I mean it makes sense when you think about it but in the West it's all convoluted.
The 44yr old just used you for a temporary sex release and when she saw you can't support her she moved on. I'll translate what she means when she says "You have many commitments. You have certain responsibilities. I want a person who stable and who is confident in his abilities to embrace me in his life who can be my friend and lover": it means your resources are going to another woman so she's not interested in you. Check out Briffault's law.
Lone_Ranger 1 1y ago
that is a sound translation! woman speak is a hard language to learn. You sound as though you have studied hard and well.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
I had an incentive to learn. If you talk to them you can get close enough to let a silent fart go.
Lone_Ranger 1 1y ago
lol! When we were students we used to call it the 'depth charge' because those sea mines have a delay timer. If we'd been out the night before on the Guinness (which generally produces spectacular farts the next day, I mean outstandingly pernicious gasses) we would make sure not to waste them. If we were in the library we'd go over to where some poor unsuspecting girl was sitting and the 'release the hounds' as quietly as possible. Once you feel the red hot burn after opening the gates of hell, you'd slowly walk past the target before exiting the library. From the canteen, we could observe the after effects through the safety of the reinforced glass. Fun times.
imtranscending 1y ago
what the fuck