So, I made a decision of not going to university, cause I didn't want to spend my parent's money. I'm not from a well off family. Right now, I am working night shifts, earning as much as a fast food worker, and also doing programming on the side.
It will take me the end of this year, to have all the skills required to become a full stack developer.
I go to gym most of the days, recently started a skin care routine.
But, I STILL SUCK.
I don't know what I am doing. I talk to a lot of people at my job, but my social skills still sucks. I feel guilty about everything, I befriend people easily, I have no frame, no opinion of mine.
I feel so stressed about knowing that I don't know the waters I am navigating on.
I know y'all will call me a bitch for complaining, but I am done trying to hold back what I truely thinks is happening with me.
I want a roadmap. I am so scared of walking into unknown.
I say, "I am not enough to fuck pussies rn.", but I am fucking 20 years old. I don't even know how to flirt. I have never had sex. I hold back on masturbation on most days, but somedays when I feel stressed asf, I would masturbate till my dick hurts.
I know that sounds funny, but that is what's been happening.
When I talk with people, I am not sure if it's the real me that is talking with them. I always try to hold back arguements. I am not good with them either.
I cannot just sit down and be calm, I am autistic as fuck and has to fidget every 1 nano second.
I cannot take this. God has gifted me with good face and height, but my awkwardness and my awkward face expression will make any person on this planet run away.
Guide me. Give me a roadmap. Give me books. Not just about girls, I don't like them. Give me books to improve myself. I want to be selfish asf. I want to make myself proud.
Desaint 2 weeks ago
You're going to suffer.
Go to the gym. Get at least 100g of protein a day.
Look up a career. Most likely a skill or trade like carpentry
Study, study, apply, study some more, apply some more.
You need to build momentum.
arealllylostguy 2 weeks ago
First of all, I really like the "Study, study, apply, study some more, apply some more" advice.
Second of all, wtf are you suggesting? I already told you that I am going to the gym. I am just not able to control/manage my emotions. I have choosen a career, but I am scared because, I am not going towards it in the tradational way.
Are you a bot? If not, you seriously need to stop advising things without even looking at the other person's perspective. Really weak.
Desaint 2 weeks ago
Yeah I can see that.
Do a dopamine detox and take cold showers.
Reason I say that is cold showers are uncomfortable. Sit in the shit for 10 mins, 20 mins and you learn how to control yourself.
Impressive-Cricket-8 2 weeks ago
Night shifts are known for causing issues. Consider if changing the shift - or changing it for a month or two - could maybe put you in a better mindset.
You're 20. You don't know the path because you've never been there. This is normal.
Yeah, I wanted a map too. The thing is: there isn't one. You can maybe get some broad information from those who went somewhere you want to go - focus on you career, spend less than you earn, know exactly in what you're investing -, but nobody else has had your life, your experiences, you thoughts. You'll have to wing it for the most part. It's scary, sure, but the longer you spend trying to plan your life, the less time you'll have to actually live it.
You're using masturbation as a coping mechanism for whatever it is you're feeling; it could have been alcohol, food, drugs, whatever, but it's still at risk of becoming an addict behaviour. Cut the cycle and, next time you're feeling too much in your head, go out for a walk. Or go to the gym (if you haven't already). Start knitting, or doing origami, or anything that will require your full attention.
That's part of being young - you don't have enough information about how to deal with people, so you either agree with everything and become part of a faceless blob or you run your mouth too much and become a pariah. There is a middle ground: know when to agree or disagree, understand where you can be a bit more firm or selfish, when to shrugh your shoulders and let people do their own thing. Don't betray yourself, but not everything is a crusade - just don't join people when you don't want to, no need to explain why they're bad/dumb/vapid people. It takes a little fine tuning to get there, but you'll get there.
Do you actually have a diagnostic, or is this just an exaggeration? If you feel you actually have something, it could be helpful for you to explore that; it won't excuse everything, but by understanding how your brain works you'll be able to anticipate that and make whatever corrections you feel are needed.
If you consult a specialist and he tells you there's nothing there about your mind, then this is a learned issue. Modernity has filled every second of our waking hour, and we feel restless unless we're doing something, consuming something. You'll have to learn how to unplug from the need of instant gratification and find something that goes in the opposite trend. Learn a language (and actually learn it, grammar and all) - it'll take years before you can call yourself proficient. Learn how to cook (start small and see what you want to try next) - a lot can go wrong when cooking, and facing mistakes to use them to do better next time will be a great experience (and also, everybody should have a special dish or two to impress family or friends). Learn how to knit - yes, you may thing it's a woman's hobby, but knit your own tie or your own cardigan and tell me how it feels. Pick up an instrument - I've been playing the trumptet for over 3 years now, and sometimes I hate it. But I suck a lot less than I did 3 years ago.
Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life is a good one. Aaron Clarey's Bachelor Pad Economics also has some good intakes, but I believe he has since written another book on the general subject of life.
As for your feeling depressed, it should be taken seriously. We all have bad days, but sometimes you need some help to look beyond the darkness. Find a psychologist, if you haven't already, and, if you can choose, find a man on the younger side (but not too much to be inexperienced). Women often don't understand men's issues, and someone over 50 may not have dealt with issues in the past as you are dealing with now - both these gaps can be surmounted by proficiency, but not everyone has that level of skill. And if you're not feeling the psychologist after a few sessions, get a new one.
Another thing that could help is finding your purpose. What it is, only you can know. But once you have your mind set on something productive, you'll focus your life on that and the mission of following said purpose will change a lot of things for you. Back in the day it was family, but you know how things are nowadays. And just "living a good life" is too abstract and too selfish to function as a purpose. You have your objective of becoming a full stack developer - that's good. But once you get there, what's your next step? Start considering that.
arealllylostguy 2 weeks ago
Thank you for the reply. I was just reading, and replying to another person here who also had some sound advice.
I'll try to provide you more information by going through your advice points individually.
For now, my shift ends at 8 AM, I go to bed by 9 AM then I wake up by 12:26 PM, do coding for 2-3 hours and get ready for the gym. After the gym, I go back to sleep for another 4 hours. This way, I can see the sunlight and still have atleast 7 hours of sleep.
The sleep cycle is a bit fucked up, but I can try and sleep till 4PM. I don't know what's the best for me, so I'll need to read more about it.
I just don't want to earn the average wage, and not be able to fund my other hobbies. I'm a creative person, but creativity requires funds. I would love to sew, travel, and try to become a fashion model, but money is important.
I am not sure how to answer. I don't know what you mean by "actually live it." Could you elaborate?
I do go to the gym, but masturbation a good stress reliver for me. I smoke occasionally, but I am not addicted to it, but I am addicted to masturbation. I thought I can quit masturbation after I get a full stack devloper job cause by then I'll be able to focus on my game and stuff.
Thanks for this advice. I have noticed myself being a people pleaser, but I am trying to work on it. I hope I can become a bold man.
No, I am not diagnosed. It's an over exagerration to my restlessness.
Thanks, I am going to buy a guitar very soon. I hope that will help my fidgetness.
As for the mission, I am trying to find one. I am a pretty amoral guy, I don't have any religious beliefs, I don't find any logic in finding a greater meaning or mission for our life. We are all going to die in 80-90 years, why not just live however we want to. Who's going to even remember us? The next generation? But when we are already dead, who tf will care?
I guess the only mission I will find is to leave a decent life for my childrens and their children.
TRPDuryodhana 2 weeks ago
The problem I had with this view when I believed in something similar was that it eventually led to a kind of destructive nihilism. I got to a point where I thought, why bother with all the pain and suffering when I can just off myself?
So, I have found it helpful to have a view of life that will carry me through thick and thin.
Impressive-Cricket-8 2 weeks ago
The thing with sleep is that it has cycles. To feel completely rested, you have to do into deeper sleep, and it takes a while. Consider sleeping the 7 hours straight; maybe do your stuff until noon and then hit the bed until it's time to get ready for work.
What I meant by the actually live it was that, instead of making a lot of plans and researching and spending too much time theorising, just go ahead and live life. Don't wait for a map; you're an explorer, and have to draw the map yourself.
Try to quit masturbation. Not altogether, since it does offer some positives, but quit the addiction. Get your guitar and play scales when you're feeling stressed. Or try to play something hard; whenever you play it a little bit better, you'll feel elated. If you like the classics, listen to the spanish masters; I personally like Tárrega.
I believe the first few chapters of Peterson's book is narrated on Youtube, so you can at least have a feel about it being useful or not for you before
downloadingbuying it. While he does ramble about many things, I do like some chapters of his book, especially the first one.
I am an atheist myself, and I haven't really found my mission. I do know, however, that I like to be useful to people. I'm a lawyer, and some of my best memories at work are not about winning per se, but being able to help - even if just a bit - someone who was lost. I don't think I'll be remembered in 100 years, so I don't really care about having a legacy; I just want to find something that allows me to do whatever makes me fulfilled.
whytehorse2021 2 weeks ago
Quit the shitty job, go on welfare if needed.
Study full time
Talk to some guy named whytehorse2021 about getting a couple coders together to make money. He's also in boot camp for Full stack dev and needs to make money.
Vermillion-Rx 2 weeks ago
Dude you are 20. I found trp when I was 25 and mentally masturbated on it till I was 29 to actually use it
I'm not even old and I feel like I missed out
You're 20. You're gonna go from fast food to developer in a years time. You are lifting, you are tall and have a great face, and on top of that you found trp (most men never will)
Take a moment to breathe and appreciate that your starting point (even before the end of the year) is so much better shape than what most men will get
Relax dude. I'll comment more after you see this, but like seriously dude. Chill. You're not stuck, you are preparing for greatness
arealllylostguy 2 weeks ago
Thanks for complimenting. "You're gonna go from fast food to developer in a years time." This is my estimate. I've be coding everyday for about 1-2 hours, as of now, I don't have a good laptop, that's why I only code for 1-2 hours, but by next month, I'll be getting a new laptop going to be grinding 3-4 hours/day. I am not sure if I'll become a full stack developer by the end of this year, but it is one of my biggest goal for this year.
Also, I work at a call centre, and it's a bit brutal at times. But I don't have any other option, I get to work from home with this job, and it pays okay.
I am just not sure if I am making progress towards my goals or not. If I made a mistake not choosing university. I see my friends going to university and sharing their hookup stories, and it kills me a bit everytime I feel like I am missing out by a lot.
I broke up with a girl like 2 years ago, and I still sometime stalk her and see her living her party hoe phase, and it kills me a bit.
I am not sure how to handle things like this. How can I stop doubting myself and mindlessly work like a maniac towards my goal. I guess all this time I just want to work mindlessly towards my goals, but these sad emotions makes me angry, aggitated and irritated.
Lone_Ranger 2 weeks ago
you are young - its tough! top tip - forget all about ex girlfriends ....really really cut them out of your life. Only future loves matter. Got that?
Lone_Ranger 2 weeks ago
You want a roadmap? Here's the thing - even if a magical god gave it to you, you'd say 'Yeah no, that's not the map I want'.
We're all like that. The answers are staring us right in the face. It's just that we can't see them, because we don't like them. See what I mean? We don't like the answers.
Growing up is all about seeing the world for what it is and acting accordingly. It's about finding out the answers. Finding out is the key. If I gave you the answers, you'd still be dumb. And a dumb man with the answer is still a dumb man. The answer is no use to a dumb man. The answer is only of use to a smart man. Get it?
I'm not being hard on you. We are all born dumb. We need to grow and get smart. That is the path of life. It's the only way.
When I look back on my youth and all the issues that I had with women, I now see that the problem was that I was dealing with people (women) that had never really grown up. So, don't worry about women for now, just focus on yourself, your growth, your friendships with other men, with developing leadership skills and social network. Focus on career. Don't get obsessed with gym (its too much of a solitary activity).
another thing - it doesn't make much sense to just bitch about not being good at social skills and describing your self as an autist. How do you think people get good at anything? PRACTICE. Nobody is born confident. We are all born frightened little babies clutching our mother and screaming at the slightest noise.
To be a man, you have to BECOME a man. You have to transform. Nobody can do it for you. But you can surround yourself with good company. that's the trick.
arealllylostguy 2 weeks ago
You're right. I have made some decisions that have led me to where I am. I can always quit and become a loser, but I made these hard choices because I know I can do it, and I will do it.
There are times when I feel super bummed out about my decisions and that's when I need sometime to discuss it with. I don't like sharing my stories with people I know that I why I posted it on this forum.
I am super glad that I did. Thanks for sharing the sound advice. I think I've got all the ecouragement and advice I needed.
Lone_Ranger 2 weeks ago
Cool - there's a great quote from Winston Churchill - 'when you're going through hell, keep going'. That's the trick - keep going. Make decisions, and then make adjustments as you go along.
You said 'I don't like sharing my stories with people I know' - maybe that needs a bit of analysis... why not? Is it because you don't want to have to articulate what you might have done wrong? True power comes form being able to discuss your mistakes - that's when you realise what to do next. I would say that the disease affecting young men the most is 'isolation'. It's what leads to suicide and other 'deaths of despair'. Look up 'deaths of despair' online and in particular, listen to any podcasts you can on that subject. Its something that affects men more than women.
The learning from that is that modern life is not really set up for young men. We used to have the workplace all to ourselves, we would do an apprenticeship etc. We formed strong bonds with other men, with whom we could talk and ask advice and share problems. Men working in close proximity to each other, like in the army or on an oil rig etc, would call each other 'brothers' and form unbreakable bonds. In the 30's, it was normal for men to cry when one of the brotherhood had to move away. They would embrace each other the same as a real brother.
Men are missing this bonding with other men. The companionship of 'brotherhood'. So I would say, do whatever it takes to create groups that have other men in them, quality men that want to advance themselves rather than just meet up and get drunk. That might be a study group, a debating society... who knows what - maybe camping, off road cycling, maybe a sport. But somewhere where you can meet other men and talk.
You're very young - 20 is just starting out. You'll be fine - look after yourself brother!
jefferson 2 weeks ago
Sometimes heavy work also causes stress. You are doing night shift, it will also make more stress in your body. My small advice is better to take some leave to your work and visit some new place. This will give you some good feel. Another thing, please concentrate on your job, it will make you proud. Take care.
mattyanon 2 weeks ago
Life is unknown for everyone, get used to it.
You sound weak and fearful.
What are your values? What do you care about? What do you want? What are you doing to get there?
Ok, this needs fixing. You're intelligent enough to do some research, there may be some therapy that helps here.
This is not true, this is your doubt talking. You can learn not to be awkward, and your facial expressions can be tuned/learned.
We can't give you a roadmap.
Work out what YOU want, then DO IT. Then ask questions about DOING THAT THING, whatever it is. We are not your father. But we may be able to help with specifics.