So, I made a decision of not going to university, cause I didn't want to spend my parent's money. I'm not from a well off family. Right now, I am working night shifts, earning as much as a fast food worker, and also doing programming on the side.

It will take me the end of this year, to have all the skills required to become a full stack developer.

I go to gym most of the days, recently started a skin care routine.


I don't know what I am doing. I talk to a lot of people at my job, but my social skills still sucks. I feel guilty about everything, I befriend people easily, I have no frame, no opinion of mine.

I feel so stressed about knowing that I don't know the waters I am navigating on.

I know y'all will call me a bitch for complaining, but I am done trying to hold back what I truely thinks is happening with me.

I want a roadmap. I am so scared of walking into unknown.

I say, "I am not enough to fuck pussies rn.", but I am fucking 20 years old. I don't even know how to flirt. I have never had sex. I hold back on masturbation on most days, but somedays when I feel stressed asf, I would masturbate till my dick hurts.

I know that sounds funny, but that is what's been happening.

When I talk with people, I am not sure if it's the real me that is talking with them. I always try to hold back arguements. I am not good with them either.

I cannot just sit down and be calm, I am autistic as fuck and has to fidget every 1 nano second.

I cannot take this. God has gifted me with good face and height, but my awkwardness and my awkward face expression will make any person on this planet run away.

Guide me. Give me a roadmap. Give me books. Not just about girls, I don't like them. Give me books to improve myself. I want to be selfish asf. I want to make myself proud.