Last week I was on an extrovert high rehearsing for a show with theatre club. We performed Thursday and Friday night. I've been having trouble with my relationship with my mom. Turns out she's a lot more emotional, trigger based and anxious than I thought. I'd been so patient with her, trying to reason through whatever the fuck she's saying or trying to correct her when I'm frequently misquoted. It's become clear to me she has trouble listening and following, then I'm directly misquoted and her reaction or reasoning is based on that which perpetuates the stinging conversation and her emotions.
Had some trouble with her last week and on Saturday. Dealing with Saturday's argument drained me (they usually last for over an hour). I'm going to stop perpetuating the emotionally sapping conversations by pulling the plug on them before the dispute rises. I recovered some mental stamina to hang out with my cast mates on Sunday. All yesterday I was also dealing with a tension headache from the tension in my back and neck. It took the last bit of mental stamina I had to stay in a charismatic frame of mind mind the entire day.
small context for past week I've started implementing (successful) methods of dealing with emotions and mental states. An opening up of the channels so charisma can flow and not be blocked so to speak. The book is called The Charisma Myth. It's already changing my life for the better. Anyways, my cast members and theatre clubmates see me as a leader. Last week I lead our warmups, kept moral high before the show and during intermission. I'd congratulate them and make sure everyone felt included and no one was lonely. I organized our hangout on Sunday and got enthusiastic responses. I was succeeding in being charasmatic.
I come home to find I forgot about a class assignment due at midnight. I did it, but submitted it a few minutes past midnight and got deducted significant points. I wake up this morning to find out I missed another assignment. We had a professor swap and I'm confident the new professor will remove the deductions on these two assignments. Hopefully.
I saw my mom this morning and was just trying to stretch while she was talking to me. I responded then went to put my earbuds in and work on breakfast. I can't handle her anymore, even if she's not releasing balls of emotion. She's not very good about tapping me on the shoulder when I have my noise cancelling ear buds in. I turned to her once cause I thought she was trying to say something, she wasn't. Then she was like gesturing to me or something, and trying to show me something to stir the almond butter. I gestured no and she just walked off frustratingly. Doesn't even ask me if I'm okay in the moment. She's an empathetic and good person, but she doesn't demonstrate that patient, empathetic side when she's hamstering whatever erotic emotion she's on in the moment. Regardless of who's at fault, it's my responsibility to improve my situation. I can't handle her anymore. I've also reached my emotional threshold, I'm on 2%. There's nothing left in my tank, just enough to wake me up and get my daily duties done.
Then after she stormed off, I started to wonder what all this is for. Where am I going with my life, and will it all work out? What are my dreams, am I denying myself the opportunity to explore this area (acting) because of it's unrealism? I started to cry as I was putting my dishes in the sink. I'm even crying a little as I type out these words. After she left the house, I went to my room, lied on my bed and did the responsibility transfer technique. I was balling my eyes during that. I was a little calmer and lighter, but still felt sucked dry. Like there's nothing left to even put on a mask when around other people and nothing left to offer a friend. I just feel like running into God's arms to cry my heart out.
Went to class, and I briefly mentioned to a guy about being emotionally strained. We went to the library and rented out a small room with a window in clear view of the computers. He told me about buddhist meditation to try with him. So we did it in full view windowed front of the computers, I didn't give a fuck. During this there was an HB7.5 printing shit out and was at one of the computers. She looked in a couple of times. So we did a round of breathing together, him talking through it etc. Afterwards he pointed out how tense my body and breathing was, and started to talk about death acceptance. The essence of the convo was that my body's physically holding these negative thoughts and emotions. It's struggling to let them go.
After we were done I didn't feel any better, was still in that morning's mentality. I walked up and sat down next to an hb7.5 and started talking with her. Asked her about her degree plan, who her professor is.. basic shit. She has the same professor for biology I had last semester so I tried to talk about that. I got her name, it's Megan. We both got up at the same time, and she just kinda paused not knowing if I was going to say anything. She said she had to go to class. I didn't go for the #, that would've been stupid. The conversation wasn't fluid and I wasn't charismatic. It was an awkward interaction, and my limbic system was definitely channeling my depleted state. I ruined the first impression with her and gained nothing. It just wasn't physically possible for me to be charismatic because the channels were blocked and I'm running on empty.
My sleep as suffered a little the last two weeks, so that may be contributing to all this. I already went over what I'm going to do regarding my mom. I just need help, all thoughts and advice is welcome. I think my next step should be trying to crawl back from all this. How can I efficiently do that, and is there anything else I should know?
quick update I don't know how much of this is mental exhaustion or physical exhaustion from inadequate sleep. I've felt this way dealing with my mom before despite being physically rested. I'm going to do a shit ton of pullups, pushups, leg raises and then some self care. I'm trying to move forward through this.
User4566 1y ago
It's great that you're still cold approaching and getting a little more comfortable talking to women even when it's scary. That's a positive.
I have family problems too. My sister is a super provacative person and loves to start trauma. She acts like a 13 year old and she's 30. My mother also drinks alcohol a lot and it really fucks with her head because it takes time for her to process information and she talks slowwwwwwlly because of years of drinking and medication. My dad also had a really bad anger problem, he scared the fucking shit out of me when I was a child (I rarely got into trouble because of how scared I was of him) until he had a heart attack and NEEDED to tone down a lot.
I put my earbuds in, I become super avoidant of all of them if they begin to act up. I actually avoid my sister all the time because she'll never change. I can go to the gym, go to school and study, go to work, I don't need to be around people I don't like or get a postive vibe around. You need to put yourself first. Take a break from cold approaching unless it's like a "lay-up" approach (like talking to a girl sitting next to you or one you're working with in school).
I only cold approach girls when I FEEL like it. If I'm in a bad mood, depressed, stressed, fatigued, then I likely won't want to talk to anybody. But I get it, you have this shame of being a virgin and you want to lose it to feel validated that you can get laid and aren't some loser. That's how I felt when I was a virgin. Then I lost it and I realized that just because I had decent sex with an ok looking girl doesn't make me any MORE than what I was. Losing your virginity (in my opinion) is the most under-whelming experience ever 99% of the time because you expect the sex to be like porn or all those crazy stories you hear your loser-friends tell you how they "lasted hours and I fucked that bitch hard with my foot long cock" until you have sex and it's likely not great due to inexperience and high expectations.
You want to prove to yourself and others that you can get laid. Well, I believe you CAN even if you're a virgin so you don't have to prove dick! With that said, you need to get your priorities straight and get a little happier. Once you are, you will be motivated to approach girls, even the ones are are kind of "eh" in your opinion. My lowest points in my life, I refused to approach girls because rejection hurts 100x more. I'll go home and think "what am I doing wrong? I must be the ugliest loser on the planet." But when I'm in a GOOD mindset, I think: "pfft, I got rejected? What is it, pride month or some shit? Lmao on to the next".
A lot of people our age (I'm 23) feel lost and have no direction and that's NORMAL for people in their early 20s. We're in school our whole lives with was basically like us being on an escalator and now that we made it to the top and graduated, we have to find where to go on foot. Our free direction ended once we graduated highschool. Then we're expected to onow what we want out of life. At 18, all I wanted was to jerk off, get stoned and play video games. I still kind of feel like that but I know I need do better than that. It takes time to figure this stuff out, more than one day for sure. Maybe this is a good time to make a 10-year plan or something. Set goals and have due dates.
Take care.
imtranscending 1y ago
It's kinda like sex is a priority more so as a young man because we've never had it before. We crave it. As a more experienced person, you can't convince a young, non-experienced man that "X or Y" isn't worth it just when it comes to something natural and biological.
Damn dude, sorry to hear that about your family.
I need to do this. Thanks for the response.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
chatGPT response: It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot of emotional stress and exhaustion, which has left you feeling drained and struggling to maintain your charismatic and social self. You have been using various techniques to try to manage and cope with these feelings, including meditation and emotional responsibility transfers, but it seems that you are still struggling. It's important to take time for yourself to recharge and address your emotional well-being. It may also be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor.
imtranscending 1y ago
This sounds accurate. I feel "shut down" and not myself.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Strangely I actually agree with chatGPT on this one. I remember when I took off after boot camp and had a whole day to just rest and relax, sleep, jerk off, watch TV, etc. You really gotta take mental health days and recover. The shut down feeling is probably crashed testosterone from lack of sleep.
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imtranscending 1y ago
I concur. I have a different set problems than those who stormed Normandy beach. You can also say that for defeated men who exited a toxic relationship with a BPD chick, or any man for that matter. But you're right in pointing out the obvious, being emotionally depleted time and time again isn't the same as running up to machine gun fire.
Doesn't mean I can't ask for help. Thanks for the comment.
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imtranscending 1y ago
I got my T checked 2 weeks ago in an afternoon test and it said 600 total with free at 89.
I don't have a victim mindset. Did you even read my post, I'm all about accountability and responsibility. I just needed to vent and some support. Let me ask you a question. Why do you think there's a rant/vent flair on here?
If I were actually being a little bitch and complaining without talking about remedying the problem then you'd be right. You're not cool by misconstruing a post and pointing out the obvious.
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imtranscending 1y ago
I've started to box.
this is something I can look into. Both my parents are neurotic people.
Why do you think there's a rant/vent flair on here?