Last week I was on an extrovert high rehearsing for a show with theatre club. We performed Thursday and Friday night. I've been having trouble with my relationship with my mom. Turns out she's a lot more emotional, trigger based and anxious than I thought. I'd been so patient with her, trying to reason through whatever the fuck she's saying or trying to correct her when I'm frequently misquoted. It's become clear to me she has trouble listening and following, then I'm directly misquoted and her reaction or reasoning is based on that which perpetuates the stinging conversation and her emotions.

Had some trouble with her last week and on Saturday. Dealing with Saturday's argument drained me (they usually last for over an hour). I'm going to stop perpetuating the emotionally sapping conversations by pulling the plug on them before the dispute rises. I recovered some mental stamina to hang out with my cast mates on Sunday. All yesterday I was also dealing with a tension headache from the tension in my back and neck. It took the last bit of mental stamina I had to stay in a charismatic frame of mind mind the entire day.

small context for past week I've started implementing (successful) methods of dealing with emotions and mental states. An opening up of the channels so charisma can flow and not be blocked so to speak. The book is called The Charisma Myth. It's already changing my life for the better. Anyways, my cast members and theatre clubmates see me as a leader. Last week I lead our warmups, kept moral high before the show and during intermission. I'd congratulate them and make sure everyone felt included and no one was lonely. I organized our hangout on Sunday and got enthusiastic responses. I was succeeding in being charasmatic.

I come home to find I forgot about a class assignment due at midnight. I did it, but submitted it a few minutes past midnight and got deducted significant points. I wake up this morning to find out I missed another assignment. We had a professor swap and I'm confident the new professor will remove the deductions on these two assignments. Hopefully.

I saw my mom this morning and was just trying to stretch while she was talking to me. I responded then went to put my earbuds in and work on breakfast. I can't handle her anymore, even if she's not releasing balls of emotion. She's not very good about tapping me on the shoulder when I have my noise cancelling ear buds in. I turned to her once cause I thought she was trying to say something, she wasn't. Then she was like gesturing to me or something, and trying to show me something to stir the almond butter. I gestured no and she just walked off frustratingly. Doesn't even ask me if I'm okay in the moment. She's an empathetic and good person, but she doesn't demonstrate that patient, empathetic side when she's hamstering whatever erotic emotion she's on in the moment. Regardless of who's at fault, it's my responsibility to improve my situation. I can't handle her anymore. I've also reached my emotional threshold, I'm on 2%. There's nothing left in my tank, just enough to wake me up and get my daily duties done.

Then after she stormed off, I started to wonder what all this is for. Where am I going with my life, and will it all work out? What are my dreams, am I denying myself the opportunity to explore this area (acting) because of it's unrealism? I started to cry as I was putting my dishes in the sink. I'm even crying a little as I type out these words. After she left the house, I went to my room, lied on my bed and did the responsibility transfer technique. I was balling my eyes during that. I was a little calmer and lighter, but still felt sucked dry. Like there's nothing left to even put on a mask when around other people and nothing left to offer a friend. I just feel like running into God's arms to cry my heart out.

Went to class, and I briefly mentioned to a guy about being emotionally strained. We went to the library and rented out a small room with a window in clear view of the computers. He told me about buddhist meditation to try with him. So we did it in full view windowed front of the computers, I didn't give a fuck. During this there was an HB7.5 printing shit out and was at one of the computers. She looked in a couple of times. So we did a round of breathing together, him talking through it etc. Afterwards he pointed out how tense my body and breathing was, and started to talk about death acceptance. The essence of the convo was that my body's physically holding these negative thoughts and emotions. It's struggling to let them go.

After we were done I didn't feel any better, was still in that morning's mentality. I walked up and sat down next to an hb7.5 and started talking with her. Asked her about her degree plan, who her professor is.. basic shit. She has the same professor for biology I had last semester so I tried to talk about that. I got her name, it's Megan. We both got up at the same time, and she just kinda paused not knowing if I was going to say anything. She said she had to go to class. I didn't go for the #, that would've been stupid. The conversation wasn't fluid and I wasn't charismatic. It was an awkward interaction, and my limbic system was definitely channeling my depleted state. I ruined the first impression with her and gained nothing. It just wasn't physically possible for me to be charismatic because the channels were blocked and I'm running on empty.

My sleep as suffered a little the last two weeks, so that may be contributing to all this. I already went over what I'm going to do regarding my mom. I just need help, all thoughts and advice is welcome. I think my next step should be trying to crawl back from all this. How can I efficiently do that, and is there anything else I should know?

quick update I don't know how much of this is mental exhaustion or physical exhaustion from inadequate sleep. I've felt this way dealing with my mom before despite being physically rested. I'm going to do a shit ton of pullups, pushups, leg raises and then some self care. I'm trying to move forward through this.