After getting treated like fuckmeat for a few dozen dates, my 43 year wife has settled down and picked a new man.

Hopefully these features will help someone figure out what girls are looking for:

  1. Huge emotional problems. Bursts into tears every few minutes when he's talking.
  2. Arrested development. Completely perma-stoned to the point where his mannerisms appear 14 years old. (Even though he's 33).
  3. Lives with his parents and likes to skateboard.
  4. Obsessively devoted. Texts all hours of the day and night, drops everything to meet up on a dime.
  5. Handsome. Reminds her of all the boys that wouldn't date her in high school.
  6. Humiliating. Took her out on her Birthday and acted so embarrassing that she came home suicidal and in tears and drank herself to sleep.
  7. Willing to wait. He'll wait for sex forever until she's ready. In the meantime, he religiously masturbates with the scrunchy she gave him that smells like her hair.
  8. Complex puzzle. A complex puzzle of childhood trauma that left him unable to do basic human things. She can fix the wounded bird.
  9. Mommy issues. (Fo' real. Fo' real turned on by her authoritative grownup voice when she ordered food.)
  10. Aggressive mate guarding. Insists on holding her hand whenever they're together, no matter how she tries to sit at the table so he can't.
  11. Substance Issues. Functionally stoned since high school. Excessive daily drinking.

Last night she agreed to be his exclusive girlfriend and stop dating other guys (within 12 hours of having another guys' dick in her.) She deleted her dating app and sent him screenshots (but actually lied because she didn't delete the associated account.)

He's going to rent a hotel for them this weekend, because she won't fuck him at the skatepark (a girl can have standards), she's afraid to let him know where she lives (in case he loses it - super obsessed), and she's not ready to meet his parents . But she suspects he won't be able to pull it off, since he was unable to ask for a togo box at the taco stand they went to on her birthday (arrested development) where she ended up buying him nachos (her favorite) and sending them home with him (because he can't take care of himself), and sobbing at her life choices.

She knows that he is someone who could never work out as a serious relationship, which might be what she likes best. The guy, though, is obsessed and going to lose his shit, so she half expects to get murdered, but rationalizes that is OK, because she is helping him to be a less of a broken person.

Any bets on how long they remain exclusive?