Long story short I was dating this girl for about a year, I overlooked a lot of red flags. She was on SSRI's, had anxiety, bisexual, feminist, had sugar daddies, and so on. She wanted a break last summer after I told her to quit kissing her best female friend and I started to drunkenly blow up on her over the following weeks. I told her make it a break up and called it quits.

Fast forward a month and she comes back but the damage was already done, I could never trust her again and I always had thoughts in the back of my mind, weeks would go by where she was turning down sex and I got sick of it so I drunkenly blew up on her and ended things in a blowout fight. I called her an embarrassment to date that night when she was letting her "gay" guy friend grope her tits. Apparently that's ok but when I suggest getting my lesbian friend to grab my cock that's suddenly different. There was no respect towards me in the relationship or empathy towards my feelings.

We broke up in November and I blocked her on all social media a few months later cause she would keep looking at my stuff. By all means I'm doing everything right. I'm currently dating a hotter girl who is more than eager to please me and loves me deeply, I've been pushing my comfort zone by going ice climbing and running a half marathon. I purchased a fixer-upper house in a good neighborhood and I'm in the process of flipping it. I'll be going to Nepal for a month this summer where I'll work in remote areas helping out and going on dangerous treks. She failed an important exam and if she doesn't pass the makeup exam she has to repeat the entire year. By all metrics I'm doing better but I don't know why I don't feel better.

I guess I just haven't had the closure I was looking for? Maybe this is all my ego talking to me cause I was expecting her to come back again? I've been having dreams where we are interacting and everything's nice and I wake up and it's horrible cause I just want her out of my head. We haven't spoken to each other at all since the breakup. Maybe I crave the rush and toxic qualities that this girl provided? I just need some advice thanks guys.