TL:DR: I am going through a hard break up with my GF, we both cheated and I need an advice
Hi, I am going through hard break up with my GF and I would welcome if you can listen to me and maybe give some advices (sorry for my english and that its so long).
I was with my girlfriend for 2,5 years. In the beggining of the relationship she asked me if we could have some threesomes. I said "why not, yeah". I was always monogamous my whole life, but was a bit interested in an open relationship. I always thought its only for quite spiritually advanced people, otherwise there will be jealousy and problems and I was not sure if I want it. But I wanted the safe space to communicate about it and my needs. She was not interested in open relationship and she fell in love with me. Than we kind of promised each other monogamy. One week later I asked her again I would like to discuss open relationship again. She did not wanted to speak about it (I know its a mistake I changed my mind). From this point this way always a big topic between us, she wanted monogamy and she was maybe scared she will loose me and I will want to fuck other girls.
We went to a different country for 8 months. I was working on working holidays visas, job was stressful for me sometimes. I spent time with her but not as much as she would like. She had no visas and was not working. I am much more active, I have so many hobies and I am never bored, ever. I have big social circle and many friends. She is less active in terms of hobbies, but I might be really a bit extreme and sometimes maybe not so present and always doing something. In this country I noticed first time she degraded me in public, while we went for a dinner with my boss and other older men. She behaved bitchy. I was pissed off and when I asked her at home why she did that, she said she was jelous because I spoke on the phone with some girl from the gym earlier in the day. The girl was actually working there and offering me a season ticket - it was her job. I was pissed of.
Another red flag was, that I perceive myself as quite supportive, maybe even having this stupid "saviour syndrom" I want to get rid off. She has history of self damage and she is not so stable. I supported her quite a lot in her bad moods. When I first opened up about my anxietes and dark side, she said "you only say that so you dont have to fuck me" :-(
We had big arguments in Australia, she wanted to leave in a plane and end the relationship multiple times, sometimes I wanted to end it aswell because of the conflicts. I am scared of her negativity sometimes, even though she is very loving person and I like many aspects of her personality, but I am scared she would have a bad mood and throw away everything, sometimes. I always tell her she should be working on her shit and not projecting it on me so much.
On the other side I have to say I came to the conclusion I also have fear of love because of my history and divorce of my parents when I was 13.
We came back to our country. We had a lot of arguments and some break ups aswell until now, but always ended up together and believed we love each other and can make it work.
I cheated on her, big mistake, you should always break up before you do that. I never wanted to tell her and wanted to keep it like a secret to not hurt her :-( I know, beta and bad character. I never want to do it again.
We had conflits, I always felt she wants to hold power over me and manipulate me. That made me think of fucking other woman even more. I hated her sometimes for her trying to manipulate me or control me.
This Christmas we had arguments over some bullshit, but there is always some deeper topic behind it you know. Often it is that I feel she despise the energy and love I want to give her or she is disrespecing me. She is pissed off because she needs more time and attention, but she is passive and she will never tell me some plan she would like to do, its like passive agressive kind of victim mentality from my point of view.
After I found my father dead last Christmas, in the blood, with a bottle of alcohol and opiates, after twenty years of seeing him having debts, ilness and being an alcoholic after divorce and having problems in bussiness, I had very bad times sometimes thinking about how much dark material there is in my family, how problematic was my relationship with my father and now I am man who has to deal with all that shit. I was scared I will never have functional relatinship.
Now last Christmas we had more arguments, again the topic that she was not satisfied with the form of energy I gave her. I inviting her for a coffee and cake but she said "we can stay at home, you will hurry again, blablabla". I felt despised again. Than another argument, again the topic of me fucking other woman. I have never ever done it before, only in this relationship. It is sad, because I wanted her to be the mother of my kids :-(
After this, one day she kind of freaked out. I went to the town to see my friends, she went through my PC and said I was deleting history, which is not true (but again its true I was thinking about other woman and not really completely happy in the relationship and woman can feel that). Next morning there was the biggest argument ever. She said many many things to injure me. Beated me aswell and spitted in my face. One of the things she said was that she will fuck my friend. In the evening after her work, she has left to the bar and did not come back. Next day on Silvester she sent me a message how she loves me, I am the best ideal partner but we are struggling to communicate and have a good relationship and she had to do something so we cant go back like everytime. That she has fucked another guy. I thought it was some random guy. Kind of ignored few of her phone calls to let it settle in myself. After like two days she came in the flat. We had a nice "bye bye conversation". At some point I asked her, that I have a feeling she fucked one of my (not so close) friends. She said yes. Unfortunately this guy was at my flat on the Christmas day to buy some gift from me, from my shop. I was depressed about my relationship and about the death of my father and I was on the way to the graveyard. I opened myself to him, even had some tears on my face. This is the guy who fucked her :-( I told her I cheated on her and she was shocked and ignored me for like 3 days.
I was thinking about beating him, but I am now caring more about dealing with my shit and moving on. I told her when we had some nice message conversations I want to keep it practical and dont go into emotional shit. And that I cant be with her because she is manipulative and not honest.
For example, when I told her I dont want to exchange so many cheesy messages when we had "a nice" conversation last week, because she is at his place fucking him, next day she offered me she can do a favour for me - I can leave the flat for few days and she will be here. So I will not feel pain that she is at his place. I knew she cant sleep and she is not feeling well at his place and he has different working and sleeping schedule, so it felt really weird to me, kind of manipulative.
I know I have some weakness, I had manipulative mother and thats why I project this into my adult life, but still I think she is manipulative. We had some nice conversation again today and yesterday. She is saying she loves me, I am the best, she is scared if we are doing a good things breaking up. She is not fucking that guy probably anymore, I have heard from her friend. And for sure she is very unhappy there. She is moving my stuff from my flat tomorrow. Going to different flat. She cant sleep and is quite depressed. After I hit the bottom I feel a bit stronger now, trying to keep my frame after I fucked up so many things. I often wanted to communicate and it was never working so much with her and than I felt angry and I was verbally aggressive because I was pissed of because she despited me. We both lost respect. I realized I was not a planned baby and the relationship of my parents was already not good than, back in the time. And I wanted to be a good boy to my mother, wanted love and validation. I realized I have to grow up and be the fucking man, not a pathetic traumatized kid who brings this patterns into an adult life with a woman.
Its very hard to cut her off as there is love, but on the other hand there are traumas on both sides and thats why its not working even though we want to make it work so much :-(
She has never cheated on me before, I am sure about it. She was always only into me and always wanted sex ( I am good looking guy and attractive for quite a lot of woman). She kind of wanted to escape the relationship I guess. Because of so many arguments, which were tiring. She claims she did not wanted to hurt me by fucking the guy, that she only said that angry, but I am not sure about it. There are only two guys in the town she finds physically attractive. She always wanted more sex than me, I have never had relationship where she would like more sex.
She thinks I am emotionally detached in sex, which is true. Maybe because of my traumas and history and because the relationship is not working so well. I also think that only spinning plates and porn can fuck you up guys and that part of the redpill are bitter guys who are actually fake and scared of real deep intimacy, same as me.
I will definitely work on my shit and thanks to this crisis I was able to see my biggest weaknesses and fears. Its hard but I can only trust in myself.
Tomorrow she will come, to take her stuff and move into the new flat and she is actually nice to me, saying she would be able to forgive me my infidelity, she loves me, she is sad about the break up and so on but she is not sure what to do.
Any advices about how to handle all of that? Thanks.
tl:dr: I am going through a hard break up with my GF, we both cheated and I need an advice