Alright, so I'm a [27M] and I've had this ongoing problem for awhile now. But I finally understand the root of it.

Idk about you all, but for me I have problems with tics. I tic in public on occasion and it will show via movement of the head and whatnot. I also have a problem with my filter or lack there of. As such, I've had some embarrassing moments in my life. It happened again this morning when I ticked again and there was a camera and a receptionist. I mean damn it all to hell, I wish I could control this shit, but now I know what causes it.

On top of this, I had gotten a bit lazy and distraught due to COVID and I need to hit the gym again and get back on my feet in terms of employment (good thing I'm a private tutor and a content writer abroad). But I sometimes feel embarrassed to even go to the gym sometimes because other men are ripped and I'm not entirely there. It sounds very beta of me despite being a sigma male. I truly get it.

However, here's the thing, my mentality has always been one thing and one thing only: COMPETITION TO THRIVE. More on this in part 2 of my question post because this is immensely important.

But more importantly, I have severe depression and anxiety disorder as well. It doesn't help that I have recurring negative memories of the past where the most embarrassing moments of my life appear and as such, I have visions of the future ending in catastrophe as if I will repeat those moments or worse moments than that will come.

My sense of humility was also molded by my family. In a way, I think they harmed my self-esteem in the long run because while they did their best to help me when it came to ticking in public and whatnot, they also were pretty harsh and controlling when I was a child. I was often spanked and I was shamed whenever I ticked in public.

They would point out my flaws with socializing constantly and would tell me that some people aren't my crowd to hang out with or whenever it came to dating it was something like "That girl is out of your league! You can't get her, you might as well be looking at Christie Brinkley". I get that I'm an average-looking man who's probably a 6/10 at best and I'm attracted to women who are in the 5-7 range primarily. It's because I am honestly not at all attracted to women who are a 4/10 and below. Not because of porn btw, I've always been this way. It's my nature. But when people constantly tell me that this woman and that woman are too pretty for me, it damages my own ego and self-esteem greatly and dramatically reduces my confidence as a whole, thus making it hard for me approach women period.

All the while, my old friends and family kept telling me that I'm "a fucking nerd who's lazy as shit" or "a total fuckup" doubting me when it came to being a success in the career path I've chosen. Even though I have severe ADHD and Autism, the former makes me adopt traits that come off as being lazy when in reality I get easily distracted. When it came to finishing college or not, the same goes with that. They doubted me all the damn time and I always had to prove myself constantly, prove them wrong because they didn't have initial faith in me at all.

Truly, I think their method of discipline has taken a toll on me psyche. My friends have been more helpful in the past, but overall due to the above mentioned, the stuff that my parents and brother have told me has been so ingrained into my head to the point where it is really, really hard for me to be confident in public because I'm always on edge, keeping up my guard every damn step of the way, watching my back and being too careful and apologetic of what I say or do.

I want to overcome this, but I need some help from you all to do it. I've done my best, but it is extremely hard.

How do I overcome my self-esteem problem? How do I reinvent myself and break the shackles that have held me down?