So, I'm just going to come out and say this story, as a warning and in search of advice.
4 and a half years ago, Summer 2017. I was as beta as they come.
A stoner, druggie, porn addict, with high social anxiety and a non-existent work ethic. I'd spent my four years at university taking drugs, getting fat, watching porn (zero lays), and generally being an irresponsible piece of shit.
For the year prior to this point, I'd been trying to put my life together. I'd kicked weed and discovered the gym, and my fortunes with girls had changed (ever so slightly), although my social anxiety, lack of game and porn addiction held me back massively.
As my final exams finished, I turned to Tinder to try and find a girl to chill with for my last month or so at University, before I headed back to my hometown.
I ended up matching with a gorgeous girl, completely my type. We hit it off remarkably well. Same humour, same music taste, everything. Being in utter scarcity at the time, I could barely believe my luck.
However, for some reason, she was never free to see me. Always an excuse. The month passed and I went back home. I considered cutting it off then (I wish I did) but I carried on, thinking we could have a long-distance thing. We sexted, sent nudes, etc, and for my beta self at the time - I was living the dream.
This continued... for a year...always an excuse, always a reason she couldn't see me. However, I continued the charade.
More importantly, during this year I discovered game, and actively started going out and talking to women. It was a long, bumpy road but eventually, I started getting better. My confidence grew, I looked better, smelt better - I was becoming a better man. I was unwiring YEARS of faulty conditioning.
A year and a half passes...I'm making progress. The level of girls I'm getting is rising steadily, as is my income, dress sense, and purpose in life. At this point, I was done with having a secret 'online girlfriend', leeching my time and energy, and using me as an emotional tampon, so I ended things.
For about 3 months.
Eventually, I fell back into the trap. This was rinse and repeat for the following year. I'd cut things off, return back to her, and try to leave again - like a fucked up comfort blanket. Finally, I snapped. I told her I'd been fucking other girls and was done, and she told me she'd been fucking her ex. We fell out - it was over.
Fast forward a few months, and she ends up getting pregnant with her ex (a drug dealer) and having his baby. It doesn't work out (surprise, surprise) Then, mid pandemic, in deep lockdown, we end up talking again. Just as friends, but eventually it starts getting sexual.
I'm skipping out quite a few details for length purposes, but I have to mention an important point.
All my life, I'd been a ridiculous porn addict. I started watching at the age of 8 and had never been able to kick it. I'd watch for hours a day. It would ruin every attempt at consistency in any field. But after 3-4 years of getting after it and improving my life, I'd been having real success at kicking it. Until COVID.
COVID sent me back to addiction mode. But through willpower, learning and other methods, I managed to stop watching. However, I picked up a new, substitute 'habit' instead. And this takes us to the present day.
Essentially, I've been sending this girl money for the last 5 months. Turns out she takes money off hundreds of men, always has been done for years. In fact, her plan with me originally was to take my money but she actually liked me enough to keep me around.
Anyway, I guess that goodwill ran out - and I genuinely started to willingly send her money. It was a rush, like porn, that I just couldn't seem to resist. I'd stop, and end up returning. I'd stop for 2 weeks, 3 weeks, and I'd be back again. Even after I had sex with other girls, I'd crave it.
So, that's my story. After thousands of pounds of losses, and launching myself back into addiction, I'm now out again. I told her I didn't want to speak, and I needed time away to get my head right. Now, even though I know the right thing is to run as far away as possible - my brain still wants to go back, still misses her, and still wants to spend money.
I know it's time to take responsibility. And anyone who has the patience to read this, please feel free to roast me or whatever you want. I deserve it. However, I thought it would be useful to tell my story to any who could help or learn from it.
Peace
Corneliuscaruso 2y ago
That’s crazy I could never imagine feeling a rush from sending a girl money. I tilted my head reading that.
StartingFromHere 2y ago
I know. Just another facet of porn addiction though. In my IRL relationships, I've always held frame and never spent money for any sort of approval/supplication. But online it wasn't like that, it was just a massive massive head rush - literally like a smoker having his first cigarette in 10 days.
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StartingFromHere 2y ago
Appreciate your comment. I've been meditating for 3+ years now so maybe booking a retreat is the next step.
I'm sure your advice also is to never message her again, and focus on the plates I actually have.
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StartingFromHere 2y ago
Saving that for future reference.
NeoSpartan 2y ago
You get a rush from sending a girl money? What is the reward for you? I don't understand how this works. Is this how your brain becomes wired if you pay for porn? Those are my thoughts, good luck. Glad you are doing better. My advice is any girl you meet online who is not willing to meet up in a week is bad news and a big red flag. If they are really interested in you, they will want to meet up asap. Like 4-8 messages.
SheLarror1234 2y ago
"Is this how your brain becomes wired if you pay for porn"
man this is an underrated observation.
StartingFromHere 2y ago
From my personal experiences with addiction, there is no reward. It's simply a hit that satisfies a craving. Sending money was nothing but porn addiction in a different form. When I had fully kicked porn out of my life, this presented itself as a direct subsitute. All the same addiction. Like methadone for a heroin addict.
I take no pleasure in sending money to a girl. It's completely, utterly, illogical, self-harming and unsatisfying. I could never do it in real life. But to the addicted part of me, it was just a fix that I felt powerless to stop (even though I wasn't).
It's not even about sex, as I mentioned in the post. I could have the most perfect, animalistic sex with a girl, and be lying in bed with her asleep next to me, battling huge urges to send money online to another girl.
Look at it like an alcoholic. He can never have a drink under any circumstance. That's the same with me and porn, or a substitute like sending money.
Shits crazy I know. Luckily I'm out. Agree with you on the messaging thing. I meet girls via cold approach, so with the right game, I can usually build enough comfort/attraction to push for a first date without sending many at all. The unfortunate situation above started way back in my BP ways.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Doxx that scammer. Let everyone here know her name, how she/he operates, which platforms, etc. Report the profile.
You fell for the classic virtual girlfriend scam. It used to be the cam girl scam. Before that it was the mail order bride scam. It's really just a bunch of Russian guys who have 1 or 2 women they use to front the operation. All of the texts and emails are from guys. Lots of women are wise to the scam now too and run their own scam.
thermodynamic 2y ago
"In fact, her plan with me originally was to take my money but she actually liked me enough to keep me around." that was her plan all along and never stopped being her plan