So I am reading and digesting TRP. However, I am not sure if I am quite understanding the difference between standing up for yourself vs defending yourself? For example The other day my roommate told me to wash my dishes properly I stood up for myself and said I had not unpacked the dishwasher yet and the dishwasher cleans better than hand washing and literally showed him what the fork looked like.
What would be the difference here between standing up vs defending myself?
hannulv 2y ago
This frames the role between you as subordinate. The correct answer is "choke on a dick."
This is not standing up for yourself. This is saying. "Yes, your excellency. I am your subordinate, but there are good and valid justifications for why my performance didn't live up to your expectations this time. Please don't put me in the chokey."
What you are missing entirely is the subtext in the conversation about who is in charge. When someone is bossing you around, you don't defend and explain why you did something, you let them know you aren't taking their shit. When you automatically and unthinkingly take on the role of subordinate, every one alive will push you around like a doormat. You don't owe anyone an explanation of why you did anything, unless they have legitimate authority over you.
skriker 2y ago
Thanks for the great answer. What would you have done in this situation? Just say 'no it was not me?' and just leave it? Honestly, this guy is a narc and will make lies... like 'I don't use these dishes, when he clearly does'. Which hence I thought I had to rationalize myself. What do you do in cases of these situations such as them giving you rationalizations as to why it was you? Just double down and keep saying no without the explanation?
I have also called him out multiple times for not doing something yet he makes some lame ass excuse, which I know it was him.
hannulv 2y ago
If this guy is going to be a psycho and bully and gaslight you about fucking dishes it is either because you have set yourself up as someone easy to do this to, or because he's a psycho path. Put him in his place or get away from him. Are you afraid of him? If you think he's gonna knife you in your sleep or something, just use paper plates and move out as fast as possible. Otherwise, just call him a 'stupid cunt', ignore the shit out him and be done with it.
This sounds like it is 100% about dick-swinging and zero percent about dishes.
skriker 2y ago
Thanks for these insights. He is just a narc and just constantly accuses. It is not just me he uses my other roommate as a scapegoat too. I had separated my stuff from him to minimize the damage of blame-shifting which he does to everyone. There have been other occasions where my other friends think he is dishonest so I know it's not me. He and I know for a fact I am more successful them him too. He tries to undermine me but I will just A&A. If it comes to terms in fighting, I am twice the size of him and I am about to receive my blue belt in jiu jitsu which is why I honestly think he is overtly targetting me. I think he has a case of short man syndrome tbh because he will either act very aggressive by raising his voice and talking real fast to prove a point or very passive aggressive.
The problem with him is he tries to come across as a 'good boy' but his behaviors and actions do not match his words. The thing is you can't really put him in his place as he would always have another excuse for something so I have tried distancing myself from him as much. I guess I would have to choose the second option which I have been doing by distancing myself as much as I can from him and keep conversations with him very briefly.
anima 2y ago
100% my boss/ employer.
The thing a narc can't handle is rock-solid silence/ ignoring him. My boss keeps acting up in the most creative of ways, accusing everyone and weaseling himself out of work, as well as out of bad decisions he made. The moment a colleague of mine tries to discuss a topic with him he or she WILL be hammered down verbally in an endless stream of ridiculous arguments.
With me on the other hand, he choses his words quite carefully and I am being treated with much respect. Hell, sometimes I can throw in a couple of teases just to see how far I can push it. The key is (or was) in my case: never get involved in a verbal fight. I just take long glaring (judgemental) looks at him whenever he throws a tantrum. More often than not he (crawls) comes back to me afterwards and genuinely asks for my perspective on that topic or wether he was too aggressive.
I guess narcs deep down know about their latent inferiority complex/ shortcomings and try to hide this in their behavior. If you show them that you see through their shit but refrain from playing their game, you automatically hold your frame. At the very least I look at them as betas who try to sell alpha and fail miserably. That being said from a fresh unplugged TRPler.