So 2 years ago i met this amazing girl while playing CS:GO in an internet cafe.
Small town girl, petite, extremely hot, heart of gold and extremely kind. But with minor daddy issues and she is extremely sensitive and emotional. He kinda bailed on her when she was around 12 and later her mother got cancer. She has anxiety attacks sometimes and can cry for hours.
She is 26 and im 31, she is talking about building a family and that sticking together no matter what is prio for her. Even if one is not in "love" one should stick together for the family's sake she says.
Problem for me is that im not sure i can build a family with her. She is so sensitive. How can i build a family with someone that has anxiety and can cry for hours and hours? I have clearly not been honest about this with her. Instead i started texting to random girls and she found out. She thinks i fucked these girls which i didn't but she thinks that.
She kinda said that she is ready to forgive me if im ready to change. But what future do we have? A dramatic one probably?
Should i explain myself? Not for the sake of getting back together but rather to ease her mind. I still care about her and love her. I know how much damage i have done to her and she is gonna feel like shit for a long time. I know im a pussy for not just breaking up with her or not texting other girls. Huge mistake on my part.
Or should i just let her go and go no contact or explain myself?
Edit: I did actually cheat on her physically...
mosd 2y ago
Quick update in this case. So this girl has somehow gotten hold of one of my old phones from my apartment. And probably read everything. I mean everything, conversations with friends and other girls. She logged in to all my apps. She probably knows everything. I cant deny it any longer. I also updated the orignal post with more truths. Sorry for hiding it from you guuys but didnt think it was important to share because it would be impossible for her to find out.
I dont know why but sometimes i feel like i want to fix this, other times i feel like this is dead. Is it possible to regain her trust and for me to start trusting her again? She could be faking that she knows everything...
I offered her to have a talk and with 3 days with no contact she replied with this :
I hope you understand that there is nothing that can justify what you have done or your behavior. So if that's your plan to try to do if we talk, I'm not interested at all.
There is nothing you say or do that can change the fact that you have lied so terribly. About yourself, what you stand for, who you are, your values, even your faith. And there is nothing that can take away the fact that you have serious problems, Mosd, that must be taken seriously from your side. Your problems mean that you will never, ever be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.
Deep down, you know that too. I hope .. I understand that you may think that it is certainly possible, in your world, if you continue to hide your behavior and your problems so skillfully for your friends, family, and all future girls you will meet. As long as no one knows, you're probably thinking. But in the end, no one will be able to meet you there. It will always shine through. And it will always create distance between you and everyone else. This is something you would need to get to grips with properly ..
I'm not going to talk to you unless you admit I know everything. That there is nothing to try to protect / hide anymore. That it does not matter. I know about everything .. much more than you think I know about. Okay? And it's not something I'm just saying. For example, I know about all your lies since day one you saw me. I know that everything about Person X is true. What I thought from the beginning. I'm aware of your gross manipulation of just about everything. Fraction. My anxiety. That you tried to make everything depend on me and not you. I know that you have been unfaithful on several occasions, gone behind my back, recently and further back. If all this I say to you now is new to you, new to ponder, then I understand if your reaction is that I talk shit and that you do not "stool" with this, because it will be difficult to handle, of course .. But even if this is not new to you, you may not stool anyway. But then there is nothing more I can do .. even if I wanted to. Again, with all my heart I wished it ..
I want you to try to digest this before you contact me again. Take a few deep breaths. Try to dare to talk to me, try to dare to tell, and you will see that love is still available despite everything you have done. Not in the same way as before. But in a really even more important way. You will not be able to fool me again. No matter how hard you try, whatever psychological methods you use. I still want to listen to you. I still want to talk. I still care about you Mosd. I want to try to help you. And if you can not handle me saying that, or being receptive to it, or everything I just wrote, then I have at least tried ... but I hope you dare. I write all this because I set a limit. I'm not going to have another conversation with you that consists of more lies. It's just another unnecessary pain for me. And I will be able to move on without an explanation from you. Because I understand the situation anyway. This has nothing to do with me. But of course it would help, for both of us, to talk. And I care too much about you to just be able to break without even trying to help you when I see that is what you need. Try to be honest with yourself as you read this. I'm writing absolutely nothing of this to depress you in any way. Really really not .. I hope you're doing the right thing this time.
EDIT: she probably has all my passwords and are reading this ;).
mosd 2y ago
Just arrived to the apartment and she has packed up her things and left.... Feeling like shit now.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Bullet dodged.
BPasFuck 2y ago
HUGE!
OP, this is the best possible result. That chick is nuts.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Wow, people still play that?
Do not fully believe female sob stories. They are usually exaggerated and are much much less than most men have been through. Do not let them make you believe good things about her!!!
"Sticking together" is girl speak for "you stick with me, and I'll do what I please". AWALT.
She also sounds insecure as fuck.
"The family" is code for "the mother" in this case. Think about it..... why would she be trying to promote and attitude of "stick with me no matter what".... is this a girl who is going to try to keep you happy, or a girl who wants to opt out of the relationship while obligating/guilting you into sticking around ?
Right.
And again: do not fall into the trap of believing that just because she wants commitment and loyalty so badly that she can offer it. She won't, she can't. AWALT.
Wait a second..... isn't it "stick together no matter what"? You texting a few girls is hardly the worst thing in the world..... why do you have to change, what happened to the unconditional loyalty that's so important for her.
You see the hypocrisy here I hope.
Oh god..... don't get sucked into this. Your texting causes massive emotional damage? Pur-leaseeeeeeeee.......... this is her being overdramatic and she's sucked you into believing her over dramatic worldview.
You are not capable of dating this girl while maintaining a sane view of the relationship.
mosd 2y ago
Love your feedback bro.
But how can I accept this in my brain? In the end I'm yelling awalt but I'm the one who have been texting girls on a random dating site behind her back. She haven't done anything wrong?
Having such a hard time blaming her for anything. I would felt same way does if i found out she texted random guys on a dating site...
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
You haven't done anything wrong either, unless you are committed to prioritising this girl's needs over your own.
But you're not the one saying "two people should stick together through everything".
I tell you this, and I hope you understand it: this girl is making demands, the bit that implies she would do the same for you is a lie. This is all "Commit to me........ and I'll think about it".
Remember that male commitment is socially and legally enforced.
Female commitment is instantly exonerated by society and the law with the simple phrase "he abused me".
mosd 2y ago
yah you have some valid points. I have explained to her that marriage is out of the question. Its not going to happen. She is fine with that.
But she does wants kids in the future, a couple of years from now.
Can you explain more how i havent done anything wrong?
If i would want her back how would you approach this? Im just interested in approach.
Lets say i know there is no future with this girl, would it be wrong sticking with her 2-3 years and then dumping her?
BPasFuck 2y ago
Yeah. She says she wants kids in the future, a couple years from now, no pressure. Like the state won't fuck your life up on her say so, once she has kids to support?
Dude. Snap out of it!
Would it be wrong to stay with her for 2-3 years and then dump her? By some measures, yes.
The only measures that should matter, however, are "What do I want," and "What's best for me?" The two are frequently different.
Right now, you want to slide back into this quasi-red but really bluepill delusion you've been letting yourself wallow in with her, dreaming of some abused little unicorn you might be able to shield, shelter, and receive loyalty and love from.
What would be best for you, I promise, would be to let her get the fuck out of your life, and move right along smartly. You have 1 life to live. This chick, I promise you, is the sort that will try to fuck it up forever.
mosd 2y ago
Really appreciate the feedback brother.
Luckily im in sweden and the state wont fuq me as bad as in the US.
Just found out now that he has been logging into my 6 year old phone, went into my Snapchat and kik. A bit creepy that is.
She indeed feels like problem, its crazy that our brain thinks that she can become better. If i only make her feel comfortable she will get better. And that she can deal with her anxiety...
Questions is what if she doesnt? Then i have waisted 2-3 years of chasing my dreams. I wanna do things in life man
Guyandtheroadtovictory 2y ago
In my opinion, great gentlemens behavior would be telling her about the incompatibility, kiss her very hard, farewell and drink some nice drink in the evening with something tasty..
mosd 2y ago
I know most women wouldnt care about hurting a guy and in time this one would maybe not care either. But knowing how much pain i caused her now fucking sucks. But i guess breaking up with her 2-3 years down the line wouldnt have been much better?
deeplydisturbed 2y ago
Here are a few thoughts
You can do anything you want. But this woman will raise damaged children. She is too young and has not addressed her issues. Do NOT marry this woman and do NOT impregnate her. You will suffer, but your children will suffer more.
Her Dad left for a reason. Let that sink in.
I would not tolerate a woman playing that switcheroo on me. No yelling, no hitting - but I would raise my voice and tell her something like: "I don't need you to forgive me. I did nothing wrong. It is ME who needs to forgive YOU - for being such an asshole because I spoke to another human. Call me when you understand what you just said to me and are ready to apologize."
Then walk out the door.
Yes. You should tell her what I said above and tell her that the relationship is over. It is over because if she is upset because you spoke to someone, what will happen when you get sick, or have to fight a traffic ticket, or get laid off from work - or something worse? If she attacks you for mundane thing like this, then she will attack you for other things.
Friends are not supposed to stab friends in the back. Even more so with romantic partners.
That sounds like you think this is a comfort test.
It is NOT.
This is a power play, plain and simple. The most basic of all shit tests. Women do this without even planning to or knowing what they are doing. They just do it naturally. It's how they work.
Unless you turn this around ASAP, you should end it. You will end it one way or the other, so perhaps better now before more is involved.
Good luck.
mosd 2y ago
bro, what did you mean when you said that i was going to end it one way or another?
deeplydisturbed 2y ago
You will either end it because you cannot tolerate her behavior, or her cheating when she starts. Or you will end it because you care about her and do not want this to drag on.
mosd 2y ago
really appreciate the feedback bro but english is not my native language, i've edited the post now.
What i ment to say is i texted random girls and she caught me. I never intended to do anything with these girls and i made a stupid mistake.
Would that change anything in your response?
deeplydisturbed 2y ago
No. Look, I am a single father. I have a LTR, but I am not married and will never marry again. My GF knows this. And if I text a woman, it is none of her fucking business. I do not snoop on here because I don't give a fuck who she text. All women are the same, so I cannot judge her for being a woman.
There is a lot to say here, but let me end it this way:
SHE will determine the terms and conditions of the relationship. YOU have to decide if those terms are agreeable. When my woman started texting a guy she liked and I asked her - she told me. I said "Cool, a new rule in our relationship. I accept your terms" and I started texting exes and other women.
SHE created those terms, which I originally told her I did not want. SHE changed the nature of our deal, and I had one of three choices as best I could tell:
Briffault's Law bro. Look it up.
Good luck. And manage your feelings or they will manage you.
BPasFuck 2y ago
Gold.
How did your girl respond to your move here?
deeplydisturbed 2y ago
At that moment, she started crying and freaking out.
She was jealous of my previous ex gf (they met before me and this new one were dating). So when I said I will contact my ex, she threw a fit and started begging.
I gave her a "pass" on her transgression, but she did it again! Fucking hell! The balls on this chick. Keep in mind, she was not hiding any of this from me as far as I know. Just being honest - like most things are in the beginning.
So I told her that the old relationship is over. Make no mistake and don't make me ever remind you again. I told her that if she wanted to stay together that's cool, but this is a NEW relationship with NEW rules. The rules SHE is obviously playing by.
Then I told her I ACCEPT your terms and conditions.
Then I told her that she is not going to like this new relationship as much as the last one.
Every once in a while she will ask how my day was and I say: "Don't ask, don't tell. Remember?" With the "shhhh" finger to lips sign.
Her response is always the same... "STOP!"
And I smile and change the topic.
She is still with me for some reason.
Honestly, I truly believe women need to have it like this.
BPasFuck 2y ago
Yes. Part of why she's still with you, is because she can smell that other fish on you.
The jealousy and the not knowing also help give her all kinds of tasty brain chemicals, satisfying most women's typical need for just a little drama and spice.
Also too, typically no woman's going to be able to walk away from someone that's above her. By putting her in her place like this, you are constantly communicating her place in your life.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
LMFAO. Dude read what you just typed. A 26yr old woman with abandonment anxiety. Then you display signs you're going to abandon her. She needs at least a year of therapy before she's even ready for a relationship. She sounds like a child. You're her free therapist. It's a shame really. She's in her prime, attractive, innocent, found Mr. Right that wants to wife her up but her mental problems caused her to blow it. Just tell her that. Then cry and leave. Feel sorry for yourself because you can't even find a decent woman for a wife. Feel sorry that this is all that society has to offer: broken women.
mosd 2y ago
Yah it's pretty sad. Often i think that it's not her fault as a child that her father leaves the family. But she is the one that has to carry it.
She has actually been to therapy last 3 years and taking pills...
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Look, my mother abandoned my family when I was 12. I don't use it as an excuse for my mental problems. You can go to therapy forever and achieve nothing if you don't put in the hard work. I also have autism so I have a severe case of social anxiety. I had to do a lot of work to learn how to interact with neurotypicals. So does my son.
The difference between me and your gf is that women get coddled and men don't. Nobody gave a damn about me when I was putting a gun to my head, crying for hours, feeling awful. I had to suck it up. I don't project my mommy issues onto women. She's a grown ass woman living in a time where there is more prosperity and opportunity for a woman like her in history. Stop coddling her. I know how women like this end up. Benzos and alcohol, on disability, never married, always a burden to the bf, eventually overdose and die alone.The only thing she'll add to your life is misery.
mosd 2y ago
Sorry to hear about your past brother but also very strong of you to push through it. Kudos!!!
Regarding her future. This is what im worried about. I have big dreams and goals and wants her to be along the ride as long as she isnt a burden. Want her to be able to help me and herself but think she is to damaged. The way i treated her probably isnt helping either...
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Yeah once you realize half the country has divorced parents and were able to move on it makes it seem trivial. The kind of dreams you have take a certain kind of woman. Most modern women aren't marriage material. I had no clue what to look for because I had never been exposed to women who are marriage material.
The kind of woman you want puts marriage as her top priority. She'll quit her job, drop out of college, move, whatever it takes for her marriage to succeed. Know any women like that? I bet all the women your age are prioritizing themselves. Your gf has certainly made herself the priority in your relationship and in her life. If marriage was her priority she'd be ready to be a wife. She wouldn't do anything to drive away a potential husband. She'd have her mental illness under control. You would be her priority. Your happiness would be important. How she makes you feel would be important. She would do whatever it takes to help you succeed.
mosd 2y ago
This is what hurts me a bit. She says that the only reason she is working is to be able to provide for the family. Thats the whole point of living, to raise a big happy family.
Its so rare to hear this that i feel like the worst person in history for doing this to her.
fuq man.
banmered 2y ago
I'm assuming you've done the work to understand why you are breaking the red pill "Don't get married" guideline.
You are doing her a huge favor by forcing the relationship to end now instead of unnaturally forcing it to fit within a marriage with children that will damage the children before she gets her head sorted. Men do not love like women. You want to build a life, she wants the markers intrinsic with a marriage and children to signal status.
If she internalized the urge to build a family, then she'd have the introspection to know she's not fit mother material. If she has hours-long crying jags now, when children arrive that will turn into at least days-long episodes if not a full-blown DSM V, psychiatric-diagnostics mental illness.
Take your roughest finals week in uni, filled with stress, sleep deprivation, and poor diet. Unless you square yourself away really well before starting to bring children into the world, raising young children is like that finals week for months on end at a stretch before catching a good break, sandwiched into years-long grinding like that. Except as a dad you won't be able to "skip class" and sleep in to recover, you'll be stressed over money all the time, and you still have to hold frame with her.
Even as a SAHM, she faces similar stresses. Raising infants as young parents is one of the most trying grinds you will both experience short of building a house together. If she tries the ill-advised path as a working mom, the stress is much higher.
She also wants you to be the man in the relationship and to initiate the break up. Her mental health is at stake, but she's looking to you to take the decisive, firm action to force her to address it, before going into a marriage with you snowballs into an unrecoverable trainwreck for her, you, and any children. You are both young and can recover from this. Don't make the mistake of thinking digging a deeper hole with marriage and children will put you both above the ground.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Your hurt is justified. You have seen her huge red flags. Do with it what you will. She says one thing and then does another. Not a good wife. NEXT!
Sebottendorf 2y ago
Never explain yourself to a woman. If she thinks you have options and she should, it’s good for you. Watch her actions, not her words. All girls are sensitive. Just hang out with her if you like and time will tell.
mosd 2y ago
So even if i fucked up by texting other girls i shouldn't apologize and explain my actions?
Even if i know that she feels like shit? I know that i don't have to but I'm thinking of what's the right thing to do.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
OK so I'm gonna interject here. You're in her frame if you feel the need to apologize. I'm sorry but you think you have maintained frame but you've lost it. If you truly did something wrong then apologize but if it's stupid shit like this then tell her to fuck off and stop being such a nazi.
Sebottendorf 2y ago
Apologizing and explaining puts you into her frame, meaning she’ll lose attraction for you. You’d rather her feeling like shit instead of her feeling shit about you. If you spend time more with her without mentioning the past, she’ll feel better.
mosd 2y ago
"Don't ever apologize to a woman.
I don't care if you shot her cat in front of her while cheating on her with her mom in her apartment that you're in the process of burning down.
Don't. Ever. Apologize.".
Read this somewhere. Is this really the only way?
mosd 2y ago
Im probably not gonna spend time with her. But im interesting in how a guy would handle this. Not apologizing or explaining but still hanging out with her? She will mention it and want to talk about it. How would you act when she mentions it?
Sebottendorf 2y ago
Deflect. “Past remains in the past. I like spending time with you, if you feel the same, we can hang out.”