My pain, my sadness, my anger, my struggle

It's been 2 years+ of a dry spell. 33 days of nofap. I have the energy to penetrate the earth's core. I'm trying to change my life for the better and actually do the advice that's been given from TRP.

33 days of nofap really uncovered a lot of buried shit in my subconscious. Really showed me how lonely I am and how much pain I've hidden away.

Deep down inside I know why women reject me. They say "I have a boyfriend", or they just coldly walk pass me.

It isn't because I'm asian. It isn't because I'm not completely white. Or the stereotype small dick. It's because I'm a fat fuck. A melting ice cream cone. It's all my fault and has been for the past 2 years. I see how girls look at my friends, you know that look, that look of lust, of hunger, of desire.

It's been a long time since I had a woman look at me with desire. Been a while I've been with a woman. A touch... a kiss. Fuck, the closest I get to is a hug and it isn't like that warm long hug. It's the "ok let's get the introductions over"

I always thought being asian was the reason I never got laid, but I never thought maybe... just maybe... the reason was I am a big boy and girls don't like blubber on a Man. Flat stomach, strong biceps, and a built chest is what they want. Don't fucking think for a moment you can away with being a fat fuck and get laid. You gotta have crazy good fucking game to do that. But for me, it's just shut down after shut down.

I'm doin nofap not because it's "iT mAkeS yOu iNtO a pUsSy sLaYeR" but I have a porn addiction and I use it to escape from reality. The reality that my life fucking sucks. Yes I know I don't have to deal with cheating girlfriends, scared pregnancy test, child support, or divorce.

But I am driven to want to fuck everything that has ass & tits every single day. And I have to wake up every day knowing hoping the future will be better than this as I work towards being a 1% Man.

If there was ever a hell, this is it. Being completely aware that everything that has happened to me, every fucking twist and turn, was my doing. My fault. This is 100% my responsibility. It hurts a lot. Watching people have fun, go on dates and shit. Being welcomed. But that's life you know. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Maybe I'm in hell because I did something awful in a past life and this is my punishment. This is my journey of redemption, my journey towards getting to heaven. I'm just frustrated, I'm always sad and angry. No one to talk to about this shit because no one gives a shit and no one cares about a man's struggles. It's only after we cross the finish line that everyone wants to celebrate with us, but not when we're working in the dark.

I'm just fucking angry all the fucking time. Is this what it takes to reach Olympus? To reach greatness? Just so much pain and anger. I just want to feel like a human being. Not feel like beast that's been casted out. I don't know.. I'm just bitching, ranting. Just writing out my frustration on paper. Maybe some of you know of this struggle. Some of you must of walked this road alone.