Hey. 22M here. Thanks for reading. I am a fairly attractive guy that hits the gym regulary. My main passion is rap music; I write lyrics, rap, etc. I also read a lot of self-improvement books and never had any major problem with girls. I was pretty Red Pilled naturally and never wanted any attachment or emotional connection with anyone ever in my life. I used to laugh at guys that had oneitis and fell 'in love at first sight'. I might not have fucked a shit ton girls, but I always knew how to handle myself around them. Up until lately.
Last August, I saw one of the most beautiful girls I ever saw (in person) at the gym. She is a little younger than me, works out regulary, goes to school, goes to Church and a mutual friend of ours told me she is a virgin. She's the girl everyone from my area wants. Ticked a lot of boxes for me, so I became instantly infatuated by her and the idea of being with her. I hit her up on IG and she initially showed interest in me, but I fucked up by double texting something very cringey. Idk what was with me. Sometimes I feel overconfident and then the shit I do makes me cringe. So, the chick ghosted me. I did notice she is a little socially awkward though and has three brothers, so she's probably very careful with men.
A couple of months later I was actually talking to a chick that is her best friend (our mutual friend called her to hangout) and she seemed like an okay chick. The artistic, semi-hippy, open-minded girl. Totally opposite to her best friend. And, since I'm known to be the king of oversharing at times, she somehow got me to open up about my childhood. Which is something I never did in my life time. I was a pretty emotionally unstable fat kid that bullied other kids and was then hugging them afterwards while crying. Well, it wasn't always exactly like that, but to put it short, I exaggarated my childhood sob stories to a woman. I don't know what happened to me that day. I took the sentence 'I don't care what people think of me' too literal. I didn't realize what I had done until 2-4 weeks later. Then it hit me like a fucking truck. I felt like my mask has fallen off in front of the only chick that I found worth pursuing in my life. My best friend says this is nothing to worry about, but I made like 2 or 3 big mistakes and am having trouble forgiving myself. I was never like this. It spiraled me into severe depression & anxiety and a sense of regret. Now that I know I could of done everything differently, I keep living in the past. I know I deserve to live and that I'm ultimately not a bad person, but the feelings of shame and worthlessnes are overriding me. I don't want to end myself, but I keep getting suicidal thoughts, especially when I lay down at night.
I've also lost a lot of motivation for reading books, improving myself and hitting the gym. I don't even write lyrics anymore and it was my biggest passion. I have looked up mindfulness meditation to help me focus on the present moment, but I think there's more to my problem than that. And even though I don't think anyone judged me hard as I'm judging myself, I'm still having the feelings of shame. I guess I never got burnt before in life with women and I didn't know how to protect myself since I was never in a LTR. The girl is actually starting to pay some half-attention to me, like smiling at me occasionally (she is VERY shy) and doing shit like talking to my friend when I'm not at the gym (he is not that attractive and even he himself thinks it could be in regards to me). They haven't talked since elementary school because of her awkwardness and now all of a sudden she tries to display this confident chick image. Something she's never done before. I'm not ready to ask her out again since I am still depressed and women can sense a fucked up man. At this point, I want to get rid of being obsessed with her, heal my heartache, get out of depression and start focusing on myself. Might ask her out in the future, but by then, I want to reach a point where I don't care even if she says no.
So, it wasn't the rejection that fucked me up that badly but the fact that I went in head-first, simping and displaying neediness and embarrassing myself, etc. I want to somehow take my mind of these problems and become the quick-witted, charismatic guy that I was before she stepped into my life. I thought this kind of shit can't possibly happen to me, but it did. I am having trouble forgiving myself for all that has happened and move on from this shit. If anyone has any similar experience or advice on how to overcome this, I would be grateful