Writing this to process things. Feel free to roast, feel free to comment. But please let's keep it professional and rational. I cover a lot of points that I messed up.
Personal background:
31, lifelong athlete, on the swim team, (bit on the skinny lean side but active as hell), speak 5 languages, plays an instrument, involved in two startups, and have a solid job at a big corporate company. Eloquent and semi-well dressed for the most part. Discovered game and red pill in my 20ties. Went from rags to riches in 10 years during my 20ties. Started with 300 euros on my bank account and 50x that during the time. 30+ lays, stopped counting BJs.
Cons (writing this as my own reminder): sometimes introverted, loner type personality.
Oneitis story:
A couple of months before COVID hit I meet this girl. Let us call her Anna, 26. Prior to that I was in a 3 year LTR with a person with a borderline personality disorder. That relationship was fun but had an end since I had to end up supporting the girl in order to get sex. Ended the relationship.
Anna is an artistic type. Never dated somebody from the arts before. Body = 10, Personality (when she wants) = 10. Since I am 21 I did not get my hands on a girl like this for longer than 1 month. And fuck she liked me.
We started off casual, joking that the relationship will only last 3 more months. A good year later I got involved with her family, her friend's circle and integrated a good part of her habits into my life. While I was distant in the beginning but she was really warm and integrated me in her life, her family etc. Got tricked there.
I always believe that dating people from different fields helps you develop yourself and grow if you can pick the things that work for you. You have to let loose to some degree. Sometimes it is good to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Fast forward to spring this year she mentions she wants to be in an open relationship. I have seen warning flags of this before as she increasingly hung around with other men, other social circles. I was really good at ignoring the red flags. I kept my frame, saying "sure why not" however, did not secure any options for myself since I really could not be bothered to look for other women. I tried with some girls, but they were generally against seeing somebody who was dating somebody else (NO SHIT, should have seen this one coming.) Had a fling with 3 girls, one even preferred anal to everything else so that was nice.
I was on a 2-month break between jobs and spent time with my family abroad. I did not spend so much time with my boys since a lot of them ended up moving elsewhere or having babies. Not thinking about other girls since I felt certain security from her side, especially since she was mentioning forward-looking statements prior to the open relationship story.
While I was away I noticed this thing with Anna was ending. We saw each other maybe twice every two weeks. She was mentioning that she would like to have me as support, as a lover but see other people until she is ready to settle down (WHOA, alpha fucks, beta cucks.).
This is where things went loopy in my head and I could not help it. I started to feel such strong jealousy towards any potential guy she might want or has slept with. I have never-ever-in my life felt these emotions. Fuck it was like somebody took the joy switch in your head out and burned it in a furnace. I lost 3kg this time and dropped my body fat below 12%, which made things even worse in terms of anxiety. I told her that we either close this up or end the relationship, or just stay fuckfriends which made her go nuts. She said she needs a month to think about this, and I insisted on an ultimatum. She said no, and this is where it broke me. When she came to pick up her stuff from mine I broke down, and started to barter how we could make this work again (again, NO RATIONALITY IN THAT, pure fucking chemical imbalance and hopium). I come from a family where my parents went to hell and back again due to family illnesses and tragedies. They stayed together, unquestionably. This is why this shook me up so much.
Afterward, I even made the fucking mistake that I still needed to talk to her. I KNEW i shouldn't, I even wrote it fucking down. I wish I just dumped my iphone down the fucking toilet to stop myself but I couldn't. Fair enough we spent almost every day last year talking to each other. It went as far that I had to ask her to tell my face that it is over, and she is never planning to get back together with me. Funny enough she did not want to say the never part (fucking mindgames). Otherwise, my brain just did NOT want to accept it. Slowly it is now.
The problem, I notice in hindsight is that I did not have the patience or stand the ambiguity to wait it out. Scarcity mindset hit in HARD. I should have retracted all my attention from here on and let her do her shit, knowing that it would have not ended in an LTR anyway. I think this is an attachment problem I need to work on in the future since people hate needy people. In the future, I will keep myself more distant from girls, but also constantly remind myself of this experience, like a memento mori.
The second problem I noticed is that once you get the oneitis it is hard to acknowledge and rationalize it. If you are really so attached to the person it feels like a cigarette or heroin when you talk to them and they are nice to you. If they are not, you feel rejected, hurt, and deprived. If you live alone, in a foreign country this can sometimes be extremely hard. At some point I even had suicidal thoughts which I rationalized away (smart enough to know when I am going loopy). And it is extremely hard to keep true to yourself in a relationship when you hang out with somebody seductive like this. It is almost impossible.
Started going out and mingle with people 3 times a week now, play an instrument outside and just chat to everything that passes me to get back into the mood. Training about 14 hours per week. Did a high-dose psychedelic trip (was overdue anyway). Got about 6 plates spinning but no lay for 2 weeks. Need to go through the sidebar and write the shit out. All I need now is PATIENCE.
I think I still have a long way to go. But in terms of TRP there is no going back now. This one made me realize, hypergamy is a thing. And the easiest way to keep women is not to be afraid of losing them. As soon as you do - it's over. You give in to her shit tests? It's over. She might stay with you, but the relationship is over. Had this confirmed to me way too many times now.
Go ahead, roast me here, talk shit, (would appreciate it if you keep it nonvulgar and rational).
​
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QUESTIONS
Open to advice and suggestions on how to build a stronger friends circle as an ex-pat. I have lots of friends from sports clubs, but the "chad night out" friends are slowly fading after I hit 30. I would like to only sleep with HB8+ in the future, which makes it a bit difficult. I am not really attracted to anything below.
Open to advice where to meet women, other than at bars / parks. I did a good 5 years of Ashtanga Yoga and thinking of signing up for some classes.
I will get out of this runt, and I will find my inner zen again. But I realize I have to work on it and find strategies. I am asking you for all the resources you can give me on this. Please keep vulgar to the minimum and this as effective as it gets.
Thanks guys. TRP is sometimes labeled as extreme, but once you go through this kind of shit you see there is truth to it.
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Remarkable003 2y ago
patriarchy?? can you explain more, please??
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Remarkable003 2y ago
patriarchy = having a man as leader. as simple as that
I thought something like kicking woman with boots. Damn these feminist posts everywhere. :D :D
BlondeHornyElf 2y ago
ya i been there man i get it... i feel like almost every great man goes through this.. the dude is independent-minded, gets women, finds success, proves his worth to himself, becomes intellectually/physically/spiritually refined, and stands above the rest... but then when it all seems to finally be coming together, he just can't quite lock down his dream girl and he sees his dream life slip between his fingers... he goes on to betray his dignity and feels his soul collapse into his chest as he discovers how weak he truly is in spite of it all...
i almost feel like there is some kind of deeper karmic spiritual significance to this... as if such a man's spiritual development has risen beyond that of the average man, yet he still discovers this new barrier that he has to face and overcome in his life, in order to get to the next level. but most men inevitably fail this test, because where his spirit is currently at, this is the one thing he desperately wanted more than anything else - because to encounter such a woman who can match his newfound level of power and virility is still fresh to his soul. this is one of the more unique cases where it is impossible for him to remain clear-minded and detached, and he observes in horror and humiliation as the thing he desired more than anything else dissolves more and more the harder he tries to grasp it; the love of his life moves further and further away from him the more and more he tries to reach for it.
sorry you're going through this dude. but ya it's one of those things you're just gonna have to suffer through. just take solace in that you're not the first or the last man to go through this.
coops1367 2y ago
Gave me chills reading this
TruthKnowledgePower 2y ago
Had few of those experiences.. The moment any woman trying to take swing on my soul - i block them, cause i know it will only get worse .. It doesn’t matter how good it was at the beginning.. Yes .. it does make them chase you for a bit , but you have to go No Contact for yourself.. It’s true that {Dark Triad} men practice this constantly, but we usually have valid reasons to do so .. Will she try to shame you ? Of course ! Will she try to be like “Oh , why can’t we just be friends??” OF COURSE , cause any woman that feels rejected will fight dirty to defend her ego ..
Perksie1027 2y ago
I see you’ve been through this particular grinder and come out wiser for it. Harsh but ultimately worth it
44361066 2y ago
A woman talking about opening the relationship should always be an instant hard next, man. No woman is ever worth disrespecting yourself in that way. I believe that if we internalize such red lines as men it will help us shrug whatever oneitis we have for a girl.
I’m sure you’ve grown stronger after this mess. Your pain is there for you to remember to never let a woman get that close to you again.
TheOffice_Account 2y ago
Yup, agreed. This is when I know the relationship is over.
Toaster224 2y ago
Open relationships and fwb are fine, but only if you aren't cucked into providing all the benefits a woman would receive in a monogamous LTR. Once you've gotten to that point it's always a downgrade to open it up.
44361066 2y ago
It’s always a downgrade to open it up
reigorius 2y ago
Especially if you care about not getting dick-rot, which has always been my priority.
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UnwantedFreakShow 2y ago
So you had a 3 year LTR with someone with borderline personality disorder, then tried to LTR a fuckbuddy when both of you clearly understood the casual nature of the relationship? You aren’t exercising any standards or reasonable expectations upon the women you’re fucking. This isn’t a case of hypergamy or failed shit-tests. People who casually date (she’s 26, of course she’s not settling down yet) casually date for a reason, typically novelty. That’s what you’re doing with your plates, that’s what she’s doing: it’s fun to fuck new people. You both understood this. When the novelty wore off in around a year, she wanted to see other people EXPECTEDLY. She was always casual minded, so you shouldn’t be surprised at her casual departure.
I say this because your villainization of her is a massive obvious cope to shift the focus off your poor standards and unreasonable expectations for women (BPD? Really?). You became attached; that’s normal. That’s human. Don’t beat yourself up about it too much. You need to ask yourself a big question, though: is casual dating really for you, then? RP enshrines it above all else, but psychologically some people aren’t able to dissociate enough for it. Some people are truly wired for monogamy from ancestral natural selection and cultural upbringing (your parents are one indication), and will suffer oneitis over and over again. To not get oneitis is to dissociate and distance oneself, and that is very difficult to do, almost sociopathic. So if you don’t possess the pseudosociopathic capabilities to do it, don’t feel bad; maybe it’s time to reevaluate your dating approach, else you’re going to go insane.
These are your options: either you choose to fuck mentally-ill or openly causal-minded women and get better at dissociating from the interactions, or you fuck stable, LTR-minded women and become attached. Whatever you do, don’t mix and match the two.
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SalesAficionado 2y ago
This is an excellent comment. I can relate to that. I'm happier in an LTR than just casual dating. I do find fulfillment in the intimacy of having a stable relationship. My childhood was fucked, so I crave the enjoyment and "stability" of relationships.
SenorTonto 2y ago
Well said. My opinion is also that Op should pull back on spinning plates and figure out why he wants a woman or women in his life.
Dating without intention is a waste of time
tropicsGold 2y ago
Great comment! I personally think that traditional marriage is the ultimate goal for real happiness. Spinning plates is fine for kids learning the basics, you can fail a lot early on and break plates, no problem because you have many. But once you are ready, you use those RP skills to make the relationship work for life. It is the ultimate RP challenge to hold frame etc for decades. You can’t break plates any more so no mistakes allowed
itsnevrogre 2y ago
I’m kinda new here, what are plates and what is spinning and breaking plates?
MAureliusTRP 2y ago
plates = women
Spinning plates = dating/fucking multiple women
rotation = the women in your rotation/the plates you are spinning
so, if you actively seeing 3 women, you are spinning 3 plates
dropping a plate / breaking a plate = your sexual relationship with that plate has ended. whether you ended it because she's crazy, shee ended it because she found chad, because your game was weak, ect ect, doesnt matter
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digitallovexx 2y ago
you cant turn a hoe into a housewife lol
Luisd858 2y ago
“Easiest way to keep women is by not being afraid to lose them”. Wow what a line! That’s the key right there. There will always be another woman. Also you probably were falling for her so it’s ok just shake those feelings off and find a new hobby or girl
AxP3 2y ago
You don't need patience. You need balls to acknowledge the red flags early on, even when they go against your pity feelings. Her mindspace was in an open relationship while you viewed her as a future wife. This only happens to you because you did not confront or leave many red flags ago. The red flags only get worse if you allow them.
cdan94 2y ago
saying 'sure why not' when you see red flags is not 'keeping frame'. I learnt its gotta be your gut naturalized into leadership, first for yourself and then for the chick if she qualifies value
ShivStarKiller 2y ago
Why is every bitch girl I hear about named Anna?
kalisto3010 2y ago
Anna's are the absolute worst. My boss at work starts dating a chick who's much lower on the corporate totem pole than he is. She was broke as fuck, living with roommates, had absolutely nothing, and wasn't going anywhere in life.
She leaves her boyfriend for him, who was also broke as fuck. He moves her in, pays for everything, buys her a new car, buys a 3-bed room newer home in the SF Bay Area 900k, takes her to Hawaii, takes her out to eat almost every night, wine tasting, you name it he did it. 3 years into the Marriage she files for divorce because she feels they're not moving up in life, things feel stagnant, and concludes they're going nowhere financially or emotionally.
So despite elevating her from low to upper-middle class, new car, new gorgeous home in the Bay, vacations, state of art appliances in the home, etc, she still felt he wasn't doing enough. Her name? That's right you guessed it, Anna!
numinex333 2y ago
Briffault's Law in action lol
KoolAidMan7980 2y ago
Stopped reading after the part where she asked for an open relationship. Everything after this is your fault. A good rule of thumb is dont ltr girls that want to fuck other guys.
Pharmaki 2y ago
No shit its my fault. Never doubted that
PassiveNathan 2y ago
Every guy has that one case of oneitis, they either learn from it or they don't yknow. Atleast you've understood what's happened to you and (hopefully) won't let it happen again.
Neldot 2y ago
Sorry pal, but at this point you had already lost your frame. She is the one that imposed her frame to you and you just feigned indifference to cope with the fact. Maintaining your frame would have been to calmly reply: "No thanks, I ask for exclusivity in a relationship, if you are not interested, we better split up now".
PhaedrusHunt 2y ago
Came here to say this. He conflated not having a meltdown with keeping frame. No.
This isn't a shit test. This is an undetonated thermonuclear bomb to the relationship, and it will never be disarmed.
She just basically put a gun not to your head, but the head of the relationship.
Serious Stockholm Syndrome. Learn from this. Next time, immediate break up or permanent demotion to the bench. Plate at BEST
Runninwell 2y ago
Good, and a well articulated write up.
Not sure why anyone would roast you as you say, since anyone who has experienced women has probably stumbled through a parallel experience. You lined out your thoughts, mishaps and results well. I hope some of the younger (than you) kids (I'm old as fuck) read your story.
As we know......she wasn't "your" girl....it was just your turn.
Curiousscience2014 2y ago
1- don't engage in a relationship with a bipolar person, she is unpredictable 2- You can't control your emotions, but you can control your reaction to them, when you have feelings for someone you have to notice this feelings and compare them to the reality, if they doesn't fit with the reality ( like loving someone who wants to sleep around), you will have to do what is best in the long run. It will hurt because you are acting in a way that your brain doesn't like, but it will be good in the future. 3- You don't need to change or suppres your feelings, you need to let them flow. But you need to do the right thing for you even if this contradicts your feelings. 4- It is stupid to ask her to say something just to encourage you. She preferred the hedonism, so I don't see any reason to even speak to her. 5- you said that you knew that it would be bad for you and you did it anyway. You did because you know that if you act in a way that contradicts your feelings, will feel pain. So you basically behaved like a 6yo kid who is afraid of the dentist. Grow up, you are a 31yo man. 6- I wouldn't recommend dating until you get your things together like I mentioned previously. 7- Sorry for the errors, English is not my first language
Kodiak01 2y ago
If someone is talking about seeing other people... they already are.
TruthKnowledgePower 2y ago
“Anna” easily could be co-morbid BPD / NPD … Just a bit different from how your ex was .. But nevertheless “pulled the rug” the same way … BPD experiences are dangerous , cause we end up craving that intense stuff with women and more often than not end up with the same old narcissistic woman .. She is clever , charming , socially skilled … You can win if your {dark triad} skill set is advanced , but again… it always be just a game with them .. I don’t recommend involving them into your circle or get involved with theirs .. it only creates more of those false attachments… Feel better soon man ..
Comfortable-Echo-618 2y ago
I've said it before and I'll say it again... some of these so called red pilled dudes are only a blowjob away from the plantation. Plus it's commonly advised in the red pill community that you avoid women in the arts.
MrNegative79 2y ago
3year relationship with bpd does not = fun
couldn't read the rest cos you lost me after that
kalisto3010 2y ago
Sorry to hear that happened to someone you cared about, and there lies the problem, you started to care for her more than she cared for you. Once you sense you care for her more than she cares for you at that point you have to break it off, if she comes back which she will don't make it easy, and keep her on plate status only.
Also, the biggest thing I got from your story is that you were separated from your job. Seems things went downhill once that happened. She's an artist, which means she's always broke unless she's in that top echelon of artists who're handsomely compensated. Once you stopped being a provider, she was done with you. Women come and go, there's nothing you can do once they bought their ticket to ride on the Cock Carousel.
Remember, even when you're with a Girl she's still getting blown up on her phone, at work, and on her social media accounts. She keeps these avenues opened because attention from other Men is their lifeforce. You always have to keep them chasing your validation. That's why she said she still wanted you for support, you were being the provider. Even if you are the provider, once the sex stops and the trust issues arise you have to bail, however bailing on a hot chick before she dumps you is a monumental challenge. I personally have failed so many times in leaving first so I'm speaking from experience.
Pharmaki 2y ago
Very helpful writeup. Thanks
c4rdc0llector11 2y ago
Bro, if you haven’t already done so, i advise you read “the rational male” by rollo tomassi from beginning to end. Highlight all the shit you experienced that he goes into detail. Reading his book completely changed my mindset and will help you get out of this rut.
Spirited-Foot 2y ago
Good write up. I 30 as well, recently found myself with a 6mo long fwb/plate. I’m actually proud of myself for displaying emotional discipline and not becoming attached. She was covered in tats, divorced but still cool af and always down.
She hasn’t texted me in 3weeks and surprisingly I’m doing ok. For me, a 6mo fling is long. This has shown me the power of indifference, I noticed about 2 weeks in that she wasn’t LTR worthy and I never wavered on that. It was fun and shit.
But again, good post. It’s a challenging game we face, hypergamy is always there. Add in BPD or whatever, and you have yourself a heartbreak waiting to happen if you get attached. But in order to actually have a real LTR you have to waver. And give in to your blue pill fantasy. That’s why it’s called purple pill. Discovering which shade of pill each of us men are can be challenging. And as a man, it takes at least one kick in the nuts to find out