A fundamental core principle here is that you are the judge of yourself. This means that you have to be a very tough judge, look at those areas you never want to look at, understand your weaknesses, accept them, and then plan to overcome them. Bravery is facing these challenges, and overcoming the challenges is the source of your strength.
We have to do this evaluation all the time to improve as men. In this thread we welcome everyone to disclose a weakness they have discovered about themselves that they are working on. The idea is similar to some of the activities in “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. You are responsible for identifying your weakness or mistakes, and even better, start brainstorming about how to become stronger. Mistakes are the most powerful teachers, but only if we listen to them.
Think of this as a boxing gym. If you found out in your last fight your legs were stiff, we encourage you to admit this is why you lost, and come back to the gym decided to train more to improve that. At the gym the others might suggest some drills to get your legs a bit looser or just give you a pat in the back. It does not matter that you lost the fight, what matters is that you are taking steps to become stronger. However, don’t call the gym saying “Hey, someone threw a jab at me, what do I do now?”. We discourage reddit puppet play-by-play advice. Also, don't blame others for your shit. This thread is about you finding how to work on yourself more to achieve your goals by becoming stronger.
Finally, a good way to reframe the shit to feel more motivated to overcome your shit is that after you explain it, rephrase it saying how you will take concrete measurable actions to conquer it. The difference between complaining about bad things, and committing to a concrete plan to overcome them is the difference between Beta and Alpha.
Gentlemen, Own Your Shit.
Northaern 6y ago
OYS 3
Thank you to Persaeus, Whatev22, Aonachs, and FrozenPond from last weeks OYS. Their analysis was right and I took their recommendations and acted upon them.
Stats:
MRP since January 2017 | 48 | 5'10" | 179lbs | 20% BF (Navy Method)
Family
Wife: 45, married 18 years, together 22
Children: 24 daughter, 12 daughter
Reading
Finished: MMSLP, MAP, Bang, Day Bang, The Way of the Superior Male, Ironwood Collection of Alpha Moves, Book of Pook, The Rational Male, Saving a Low Sex Marriage
Currently Reading: Sex God Method
Physical
(Need to redo these 1RM stats)
I found a local proper gym with power and squat racks. I am going to get on 5x5s for the summer and cure my fuckarounditis.
Taking Persaeus advice and getting T checked next week. Spent $100 on magic pills and no real difference.
Staying with Keto because it works, I feel good, and have a lot more energy then the standard New England diet of meat and potatoes and desserts.
Career
Work is doing well.
Financial
Finances are good.
Marriage/Relationship
Dread Level 5
I heavily increased my gaming and kino this week as recommended by FrozenPond. Reset every morning, kept it fun, easygoing.
My daughter's wedding was this weekend which was a lot of fun. As the brides maids (they are all 22- 25) and I were waiting, one of my daughters friends says, "Northaern, you are looking great. We were all just talking about how good you look!" Had one of the drunken bridesmaids hanging on me later at the reception, "Northaern, I cannot believe how great you look!" These positive things I heard all night long from everyone, even when my wife was around. I am in the same shape now as the groomsmen who were in their 20s also and the best shape of the men in my age group at the wedding.
Friday night we had some loving and then loving again on Saturday after the wedding! She has been affectionate and good since then. Finally no more DB after a very very long time!
Goals and the MAP
Still working on the goals instead of just coasting along.
MRP works. If you take the advice (and act on it) of everyone from nutrition, lifting, relationships, money, legal, you will do very well. At the minimal you will look and dress great, be able to do well socially, have more hobbies, have more money, and more so have guidance when things are not going well.
brambleweed12938 6y ago
So it's been about a month since I discovered MRP. I've read NMMNG, MAP, and several parts of other books on the list. Some very interesting reading so far. I can't say I agree with everything, but there's so much good stuff about personal improvement and how to improve my relationship, attractiveness, and I love that. I'm currently reading the Laws of Power book.
Currently, 6', 225 lbs (mostly fat), 50 lb free weight bench press with 8 reps. I've been engaged to my Fiance for 8 months and we've been together for almost 3 years. No kids yet.
I was 235 lbs one month ago (down 10 lbs in one month) when I started MRP, highest weight was 287, but that was mostly lost three years ago. not sure about body fat percentage because body fat scales aren't accurate. How do you guys measure body fat? Lifting every morning for the first time in my life with a dose of 20 minutes of cardio mixed in between. My current fitness goal is to drop about 45 lbs of fat while maintaining existing lean muscle mass. Then I'm going to build a new set of muscles.
Frame: I'm working on my frame daily. I have set some clear cut guidelines on my diet (1500 calories, mostly protein) and a goal to burn 2000 calories through lifting, intense cardio in the morning, and light cardio throughout the day. So far I've seen some great results and am dropping the fat faster than the plan requires.
I'm determined to be a leader in my relationship, and I have stopped being a wishy washy mess most of them time. Still needs improvement.
I've all but removed the covert contracts over sex in our relationship. It used to be so bad. I would give her a massage, and expect sex or handjob in return, and when I didn't get it, I felt so angry, and she felt so bad. The covert contracts we had going we so harmful to our sex life. It's been so much better now that I take care of my own needs and DNGAF when she isn't in the mood.
I am working hard to improve things with my job, but I simply need to put in more hours if I want to see the success I want. No sugar coating it, just more effort/more hours and success will follow. This aspect of my frame really need improvement.
Sex Life: For the last twelve months, I was get laid 2 twice in a month. She just wasn't into. She didn't know what was going on. She felt bad. I felt bad. I had the talk with her. You guys know how this shit goes. But we didn't know what the problem was. About a month ago, we were on a trip out of state for vacation, and even though we were on vacation, she just wasn't into sex. I started getting really cold and upset towards her (covert contracts, I paid for this expensive vacation, and still she isn't putting out?). I ended up getting so pissed I just started googling non-stop for solutions, and that's when I stumbled across a MRP post.
It's like wait? It's not her sex libido problem, but instead it's because I'm not attractive enough and don't game her? I'm too available and that's made our relationship stale? I've become to wishy washy and not enough of a leader for her? I'm not demonstrating a high enough value? It all started clicking together. Right away, that first week, while I was still in New York, I began my fitness routine, and I've lifted EVERY DAY since. My body is showing the first signs of transformation, but it won't really be able to transform that much until I lose the fat so I can have a calorie surplus to build muscle.
I've got to say that the gains in the bedroom have been insanely good. One unsolicted blow job (never happens). Sex on 4 times this last week. The sex two days ago was mind blowing, and I dominated her and penetrated her deeply enough to make her cry because I haven't been that deep in a while. Afterwards, she just clung to me non-stop, blown away by the sex. We called it her losing her deep virginity again, and today we had deep, sex again this time without the pain.
So yeah, I'm not in perfect shape yet, but she is already attracted to me in a new way. She can see my momentum as a person completely doing a 180 shift. But I can't wait for even more gains. I've laid out a workout map that should get me close to six-pack abs in six months, and then I'll start building muscle from there.
Other areas to improve/working on: Stop wasting as much time on reddit/internet. Get the house fully clutter free. Complete landscaping projects outside the house. Stay motivated on fitness, diet, and work performance.
rotkohlblaukraut 6y ago
Bodyfat - google the Navy Method. Lots of online calculators. Nothing is 100% accurate other than an autopsy, but the main thing is to look for a slow but steady improvement using whatever method you pick.
brambleweed12938 6y ago
Gotcha. Interesting. I'll need to get a better measuring tape for body measurements.
man_in_the_world 6y ago
Good on you for starting to OYS and become an attractive, high-value man, but avoid becoming a dancing monkey.
brambleweed12938 6y ago
Interesting post. Thanks for the comment.
I didn't realize my post went through because I got a message from Auto Mod saying my account needed to be older than one day. Weird.
i-am-the-prize 6y ago
OYS (my 3rd one)
Stats/Lifts:
Mission:
Physical:
Mental:
I've been journaling, in a secure location, the following items:
Relationship/sex:
Finances:
Things to work on:
ComteDeBetamax 6y ago
OYS #8 A Late Entry While Letting Go of the Disney Dream
This week has been a mess. My wife went on a 12 day first class trip to Europe courtesy of her parents. I’ve worked 12 days straight including 5 days on call for holiday. I’m full time Mr. Mom with the 2 kids, incontinent dog, and enjoying being a single parent. Unfortunately, I’ve done nothing for myself and have not advanced a single thing for ME on my agenda.
Stats: 45 6’4” 197 lbs 16%BF 1RM squat 200 lbs, 1RM DL 275 lbs, 1RM BP 205, 1RM OHP 140, Ring Dips (+20 lbs) 6 reps, Strict Pullups (+10 lbs) 10 reps
Read: NMMNG, MMSLP, SGM, 16 CofP, SaLSM, Lots of Sidebar, Lots of OYS, WISNIFG, RM (50%), MAP (50%), Book of Pook, Current: Unchained Man
I had deleted my previous posts in a fit of panic because I was worried my wife might end up on here. I gave too many fucks about what she thought. I don’t now. And I believe it is more important to keep the record here for the benefit of the men who come to this community after me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/bdrgak/own\_your\_shit\_weekly\_april\_16\_2019/el0kcop/?context=3
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/bgdw8p/own\_your\_shit\_weekly\_april\_23\_2019/elkgmdn/?context=3
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/bj0vtc/own\_your\_shit\_weekly\_april\_30\_2019/em4sjd8/?context=3
Energy: This is the prime issue right now. I’ve been working out 5-6 days a week for 4 months, and everything has been firing on all cylinders. However, I’ve just been on a hard downhill slide for the last 2 weeks: Complete loss of Libido (week or so), followed by Anhedonia (3-4 days), and ultimately Apathy (1-2 days). No motivation to do anything, and it’s hard work to even socialize (or write this).
I bounced out of it a little bit (still not really motivated or energetic) with the weekend and some extra sleep. But I frankly have very little insight into what makes this happen. It used to be cyclical every few months, and a good vacation would correct it. I just never know if it’s caloric insufficiency, lack of sleep, stress, chronic allergies/asthma/rhinitis, having to pee in the night, or all of the above.
I think sleep is the main driver, but it’s sort of ridiculous to state that I need 9-10 hours of sleep to keep myself fresh every night….but that’s really what everything points to. At most, I can deviate 1 day away from this before it effects me. Real life frequently gives me 6-7 hours, but even at 8 hours, I feel stagnant…. I suspect it may relate more to quality of sleep. Dunno. Maybe I’m just old.
Kids: Full time with me. Taking them to work and showing them what daddy does when he leaves the house. They’ve had fun with it - meeting patients, going to the hospital, lots of attention from nurses and people in general. It's been fun. If this is single parenting, I can manage it….but, I definitely need an occasional babysitter to just to get caught up. My mother, who live in the neighborhood, has been disappointingly uninvolved in helping, although she did watch them twice in the 10 day period.
Wife: My apathy extends to my wife, and has not changed despite my overall disposition improving. I realize now that her use of attention withdrawal/affection withdrawal/and sex withholding is abusive behavior. I never understood that before. I’m in a relationship with a passive-aggressive abuser.
The MRP prescription for this is to fight fire with fire. I have no other tools than to use what she uses against her. I have pretty much withdrawn my attention to the extreme at this point and there is no desire for affection. I respond to her texts with pics of the kids if she sends something. I exchange pleasantries, but I haven’t really spoken to her much except to pass the phone off to the kids.
She doesn’t really ask for me or even try to talk to me except to ask for money, or complain about me not giving her enough validation for something. Finally after 9 days, she asked how I was doing.
It’s a fine line between keeping score (which I’m clearly doing), and just observing whether she provides any value. Frankly, this is about the pace of the whole relationship now, so I don’t think she is bringing ANY value. I mean, I usually carry all the interactions and conversations, she rarely asks about anything that doesn’t affect her directly, I cook all my own food, do all my own shopping, do all my own laundry, clean my own house, and generally receive nothing of benefit from her right now.
I once thought she would be a source of happy, feminine energy….my cheerleader in life. But that Disney mirage is gone. She is a net reducer of energy and happiness through her abusive behaviors….and unless she can get out of her apprehensive anxiety shell and actually provide something of value I’m having a hard time being bothered to even talk/interact with her. Is this a covert contract? My typical behavior is to just march on and try to bring the energy and get her to respond...but I don’t feel like doing that. I know I should be gaming her, being playful….but I just don’t really want to. Apathy.
Frame: In the bigger picture, outside of my wife, I’m just a dancing monkey for other external controls (work and money). There are very few things at the end of the day that I put first in my priorities because they make me happy. Work has swallowed everything in my life during the last 2 weeks...no boundaries. I need to own this and start carving out my time at the expense of work, money, and everything else. Getting the E3D shit done will help crystallize this. I’ve done none of it.
I need to kill the voice in the back of my head from my parents that tells me I’m being selfish by working on what I want….that I’m being foolish for doing things that make me happy if they can’t pay the bills. My whole life was basically a sacrifice of the creative and engineering side of my brain for the pragmatic side of a paycheck. I am, after all, just a highly paid laborer at this point...and there is very little intellectual stimulation to it after you progress to a certain level.
But there is some truth to the fact that you can’t feed a family playing the guitar, singing, learning foreign languages, painting pictures, and programming hobby projects… I need to pick one and move it up the priority list, simply because it makes me happy, even if nobody else around me sees value in it.
rotkohlblaukraut 6y ago
Going to second what MITW wrote about the victim narrative.
> I have no other tools than to use what she uses against her.
This really sounds like petty tit-for-tat.
Although the main focus on all of this s you, let me make a quick remark about her. You (and MRP) talk about your main tools being removel of time, attention, and resources. Well your wife gets all the resources she needs from her parents ( trip to europe, apartment/house in new city IIRC), gets plenty of attention from her friends, kids, and travelling companions, and doesn;t seem to value your time. So you threatening to remove them is going at affect, what, one percent of her supply of these things?
Now I'm not suggesting that you need to qualify yourself to her in a bue-pill "better step up your game to win her back" kind of way. But if you're the codependent type, filled with convert contracts, needy for validation, and seething with your own passive aggressive anger, how are you possibly providing value to her? This goes to the advice to focus on you and becoming the kind of man with his shit together and a healthy psychology that any woman would be falling over herself to get. Then see what your options and decisions are - you may well find that your mindset, data points, and decision process will be different then than they are now.
> definitely need an occasional babysitter to just to get caught up. My mother, who live in the neighborhood, has been disappointingly uninvolved in helping,
Did you ask your mother directly? Or just expect it and drop hints and act sad when she didn't take on what you wanted? If she's not that interested in spending time with her grandkids, it may well be that's shes a busy and fulfilled person, or, more likely, it may be that the whole story of dysfunction and multigenerational unhealty family dynamics doesn't just apply to your wife's side of the tree. And if you need a babysitter, go get one. This is one of those lessons about people are going to do what people are going to do, you can't get all butthurt about it, and you have to take care of your own needs, even if it's as simple as finding a neighbour's daughter to watch the kids for a couple hours.
And you sound pretty depressed in this FR. You said this was a cyclical thing - whan you get out of it, figure out if this is you being a little bitch, or something that would be worth talking toa therapist about. Although given your marriage and codependent charcteristics it may well break the cycle once you stop acting that way. And get some exercise and some sleep.
ComteDeBetamax 6y ago
These are great thoughts. I hadn't really considered how much she didn't need what I have to offer.... Puts a different perspective on what I assume I'm bringing to the table.
I definitely was these things. I see much less of it now with the exception of the last one (passive-aggressive). I don't think I'm acting that way, but I'm trying to be pretty sensitive that my withdrawal of anything isn't done as a passive-aggressive tit-for-tat (as you said). I'm sure that is how she is processing it right now at some level...
For some reason the distincion is not totally clear to me. I'm choosing to do other things vs. I'm choosing not to spend time with you. I guess I'll see it as it develops more.
I only asked what she could do and took what she gave. No covert contract, and I expressed no hard feelings. Just expressing here part of the overall disappointment of her being uninvolved in her grandkids' lives. I had 3 other babysitters lined up because I knew she wouldn't really desire to do it.
Bingo. Right there. Some drinking issues, dad encourages it b/c it neutralizes her unreasonable anxiety. Quick to withdraw if anyone might hurt her feelings. Classic NMMNG setup.
Thanks. I'm back to baseline after some sleep now. I just think I literally get run down. I just have an expectation that I should be able to keep chugging along, though. (maybe from years of doing just this at 100 hours/week covering hospitals in training) I'll be more concerned if it is happens more than quarterly.
For now, I'm just going to accept that I need to peg my schedule to 9 hours of sleep a night, and build in some catch up when it gets disrupted instead of just never paying the piper back..
man_in_the_world 6y ago
Drop this bluepill victim narrative. Any abuse you're getting from her is because you've made yourself a willing "victim" in hopes of fulfilling your covert contracts. You have abused yourself with your covert contracts and Nice Guy behavior, and to adopt a helpless victim narrative is the antithesis of MRP. Fuck off with that shit, and start taking ownership instead of making excuses that place your responsibility on others.
JFC you're a needy validation whore. Don't you get enough of that shit already daily as a big-shot doctor? Do you really need to come home and get still more ego validation from your wife/mommy, and then get resentful when she doesn't fawn all over her big baby man/boy, and gaze at you lovingly with big, round, wondering eyes as she begs you to prattle on about your boring day? No wonder she finds you tiresome and pathetic, and has become passive-aggressive about filling your endless need for validation.
Grow up, man! Spare your resentment for things that are worthy of it, not for the concerns of the BP/Nice Guy worst in you.
ComteDeBetamax 6y ago
100% agree. I should have explained my thinking in more detail about this. Other than learning about Nice Guy syndrome (NMMNG), the other major "epiphany" for me so far has been realizing that her negative behavior is something with which I have been a willing "co-dependent" participant....not a victim, but a choice. It's Just something I never realized before and feel dumb for having it smack me in the face so hard due to its obviousness.
​
I merely pointed it out above to lead up to my justification for swallowing the MRP whole and embracing withdrawal of my time and attention (which I previously would have felt uncomfortable with). While there is clearly a solid body of tools and knowledge here (MRP) that empirically work.....I guess I still want to rationalize my way through it slowly as a newcomer. As I'm doing this, I'm finding that it all speaks to truth.
Yes, these were my thoughts coming into the marriage and I see the validation seeking in them. What I'm really trying to process now is how she adds value, and my thoughts this week were a regression towards this older mindset.
​
Going forward, I need to focus on me. I can ask the value question later in this process.
man_in_the_world 6y ago
Yes. Much later. When you're an attractive man worth showing how much value she can add, and whom she can't take for granted.
ManReborn90 6y ago
OYS #0 - June 6, 2019
​
Stats
Age - 29, Wife - 28, Married - 8 months, Together - 11 years, no kids
5'9", 158.8 lbs, \~13.2% bf, BP 130 x 5, SQ 175 x 5, SP - 85 x 5
​
Mission
Be the type of man I am capable of being; the type of man that a woman would do anything for. Stop being a lazy bitch.
​
Background
My life story is basically "elite talent, mediocre effort". In every area of my life, things are good, above average, but not excellent. Definitely not near potential. I have operated this way basically forever, coasting along on talent, putting in sub par effort, and achieving good but ultimately unsatisfying results.
​
I am here at MRP both as a way to push myself to the next level, and as preventative medicine. I have never been a full-on beta or a nice guy, but I definitely do fall into those tendencies sometimes.
​
Fitness
I am not fat, but I am weak as fuck.
Plan: Cut to 9% and then start bulking.
Long-term goal: 10% bf at 170-175 lbs.
My current estimate of breakeven calories is 2,721 (this is based on tracking my calories and my weight changes). I will eat at a 500 calorie deficit (tracking and re-estimating the breakeven consistently) until I hit <9% body fat. If I manage to do this while not losing any muscle, I would hit this goal at 151.5 lbs. So this should be completed by July 30 (OYS #8).
I will be lifting 3x per week and pushing myself. Not fucking around.
​
Work
I coast at work. I will slowly expand my work hours over the course of my dread level 1/2 period and, more importantly, will drastically reduce slacking time at work.
​
Reading
I will dive into the readings prescribed in BPP's dread levels post. I will also spend time reading books related to my work in order to expand my knowledge.
​
Porn
I am a porn addict. I will be giving up porn for at least six months. I have seen mixed reviews on the effects of noporn / nofap, so I will reevaluate for myself after those six months.
​
The nofap subreddit claims a bunch of benefits, but some of those, uh, "benefits" seem to be things like "viewing women as just like me" and "not thinking about sex". I don't want any of this shit and if I notice a decline in my desire to leave women quivering on the ground in a pool of bodily fluids then I will be ending the porn moratorium after the six month trial.
​
Relationship / Sex
The relationship is good. My wife is very seldom bitchy. We have sex multiple times per week, and it is enthusiastic. She almost always will give me blowjobs whenever I ask.
​
However, like much of the rest of my life, I view this as above average but not excellent results based on horribly mediocre effort. My reasons for diving into MRP are twofold:
​
(1) Preventative medicine. I want to nip any bullshit in the bud before fucking things up like so many others have.
​
(2) I want more. I don't just want enthusiastic but fairly vanilla sex and decent blowjobs. I want a nasty little whore who I can do whatever the fuck I want to and have her beg for more. I want to fuck her throat, pound her ass, make her clean it, and bust all over her face. Though I have no intentions of cheating, I want other women to notice me and make it clear that they want to fuck me. I know that this is validation seeking but I don't give a fuck. I like validation.
I believe I can have these things and more if I just stop being a cunt and put in some fucking effort.
​
The Plan
Work the 12* levels of dread in a little over a year, such that I will be completed on 6/30/2020. The * is because I have \~0 intention and do not foresee the need to use DL 9-12 so really the last 4+ months (and beyond, but a new plan will be created at this point) will be refining DL 1-8.
​
Will be posting OYS every week, and will develop a more organized style as I go.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
It's not clear to me whether you are planning on going nofap. I was similarly porn addicted when I started and went back and forth on this. I decided to stop using pon but continue masturbating as necessary. The only real benefit to nofap that I could find from an MRP perspective is that it will increase your need to have sex by removing the alternative. Thus, the thinking went, you would initiate more frequently and with more passion. I've also read some stuff on T levels but it seemed wishy-washy.
I believe the consensus here is that you should settle around DL6 in a healthy, high-sex marriage, if you choose to remain monogamous. DL7+ begin the process of decoupling you from the marriage by exploring sexual relationships with other women.
ManReborn90 6y ago
I do plan on going nofap, at least for a while, mostly because I am used to masturbating to porn and I think it would be easiest to distance myself as much from the habit as possible. However, I plan on having sex frequently and I probably wouldn't maintain nofap if that wasn't happening for some reason.
​
Yeah it seems like DL 7-8 can be interpreted in multiple ways. For me, one of my goals throughout this process is to be more social, and that would include the ability to talk to attractive women who are strangers. However, I likely would not be approaching it from as much a PUA standpoint and more just from a social standpoint, i.e. topping out at light, innocent type flirting, not trying to get numbers etc.
sidepiecebandit 6y ago
OYS #17
32, 5’7, 176, 17% BF
BENCH: 295 LBS
SQUAT: 365 LBS
DEADLIFT: 385 LBS
MILLITARY PRESS: 180 LBS
BIRTHDAY
I turned 32 this week. Meant nothing special to me but pampered myself. Did a few things that I like and took a day trip out to a locale i'm fond of. Loved it. But in the next few years I need to start planning events with friends.
YEAR IN REVIEW
I usually make goals that I want to accomplish for the next 12 months. This time I'm going to review the past 12 months.
FINANCES
While I did get a new job, with better benefits and pay, it's still below where I'd like to be. I have 10k debt that I still need to pay off, so that I can work on my emergency fund. Biggest area that I need to focus on and own for the next 12 months as this was never a priority. I let this fall to the way side these last few years. Taking several steps to make this happen. Plan is to FIRE by the time I'm 45 with a withdrawal rate of 2.5%, 100k min a year. Need to get these debts out of the way asap.
MISSION
I'm pursuing the mission, but the results are slow to come by. Either I'm setting my sights/goals too high, or I'm not focusing on the right things. Pareto principle. I have to find the 20% that will yield 80% of the benefits. At this point I feel like I've been doing 80% work for 20% results. This will mean changing my focus and ascertaining which areas I've not been focusing on and spend more time on that. Decrease the breadth of work, and maximize the depth of a few beachheads.
FRAME
Most progression. Give less fucks is essentially tattooed on my hippocampus. Mode One was the most actionable book I read this year. Helped me be direct and cut out the fluff in all aspects of my life. I'm less OI, and I've amplified Amused Mastery. I'm less bitter than I was 1.5 years ago when I started running my map. The breakthrough this year is to stop saying things that make me feel weak. Ignoring those thoughts. This year focus on using Amused Mastery as a proactive tool rather than a reaction to be deployed.
GYM
I hit the 1,000 club this year. No major injuries, however mobility is still an issue that needs to be taken seriously. Working on breaking that 300lb bench press. Should be done in the next 2 months. I was very consistent with my muy thai this year, 2-3 times a week, which led to learning a new martial art and making new friends. The healthiest and strongest I've ever been. Keep this up.
SMV
Went up a point this year. Straightened teeth with invisalign. Had two plates recently tell me that they loved my smile. Several people commenting on my physique. Several men making deferential statements to me regarding my bulk or asking for advice. I need to work more on my skin and breakouts; follow up with my dermotalogist. Important to bring body fat percentage down. This is more to do with nutrition. Aim to go up another point in SMV by next year, finances will be the main drive for that.
PLATES
Who cares. It's been fun. I now know what kind of girl I like outside of fucking her mouth.
PROGNOSIS
Map must be refined, more actionable, more measured. IMPROVING FINANCE is priority to work towards becoming a 10% man. This includes MANAGING income over 6 figures and MANAGING my mission's focus.
frozenpond 6y ago
$4mm in 13 years starting from negative net worth (10k debt) seems aspirational. What concrete steps will you take to make that happen?
beta_buxxx 6y ago
I was deep into planning for FIRE a few years back. Devoured r/financialindependence, all the major blogs, podcasts, etc. I learned everything there was to learn, got a job I enjoy much more, and calmed down a bit (SR is more like 20% instead of 60%, still on track to FIRE at 50). From what I remember though, 2.5% is very conservative. The 4% rule might be dicey, but I haven't seen any empirical evidence supporting sub-3% WR. Have things changed?
sidepiecebandit 6y ago
The 4% rule was based on data up to 1994.
A study completed in 2013 by morningstar shows that a WR of only 4% leads to about a 50% profitability over a 30 year period. Meaning the other 50% run out of money.
They found that a sub 3% WR, at 2.8% for a 40/60 stock/bond portfolio brings that number up to 90%. Hedge that remaining 10%, take into consideration fees, inflation, market volatility, and increase the time horizon to 40 years because actuarial stats show life expectancy steadily increasing, a more conservative approach might be worth looking into.
Another paper from 2015 worth reading.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
40/60 stock/bond is laughably conservative for a 40 year horizon. Moving up the risk/reward curve would easily allow one to bump up that WR.
It seems my favorite blog series on the subject is still going strong at 31 posts. They have spent a lot of time analyzing this from every angle and it's worth reading in full. IIRC, the one sentence summary is that it depends on a ton of factors, but generally 3-3.5% is safe for most people.
arm_candy 6y ago
OYS #7
Fitness
36, 154.5lb, 5'7", 15ish % bodyfat (Navy method)
Wendler Training maxes: OHP 80, BP 130, SQ: 235, DL: 245
Still aiming for about half a pound gained per week. Seems on track but harder to tell lately as my weight is fluctuating more than usual. Highest morning weight is 155 but suspect average is closer to 154 or 154.5.
Missed a day of lifting last week because I failed to plan well and scheduled a social outing on top of my lifting time, and was not willing to lift at 11pm. Did cram another lifting day into the weekend.
Getting frustrated with lifting difficulties lately. Not sure how much personal info I really want to share, but it’s relevant so I’m an amputee. Weight gain has made my prosthesis too tight, so it’s nearly impossible to actually lift some days. Need to get a new one. I’ve been trying to find a specialist who knows how to deal better with athletic needs. Expecting a call tomorrow and will try to push this along quickly. In the meantime, I might go on a mini cut to buy some time and hopefully be able to continue while I work on getting a new prosthesis. Won’t start a cut this week though as I’m on vacation.
Time Wasting
Still fighting this, but successfully. Started making my commute email time which is preventing me from wasting the time, getting me in work mode earlier, and digging me out of the endless pile of email I never seem to catch up on.
Did very well cutting screen time past 9pm and not using Reddit etc at work. Caught myself absentmindedly wasting time at work on other things (hey, now’s a good time to shop for a new pair of pants...) but shut it down.
Social
Headed out of town for almost a week to see a friend. Should be a blast.
Career
I’m feeling a little bit less behind. I spent some long nights catching up on stuff. Still a lot to do. Need to start getting ahead of stuff instead of just caught up. A few things in my space went sideways because I wasn’t giving them enough proactive attention and that’s entirely on me, even though my manager seems to think it’s on my employees.
I'm still focusing first on getting my time wasting fixed and just catching up. After that I have some ideas I need to implement to do better.
Leadership
I need to step up more here. We have some maintenance/upgrades to do on the house and I’m letting my wife drive it too much. I have a different idea on what we should do and need to implement that. This means I need to find a good general contractor.
My older kid needs to learn to ride a pedal bike. I need to step up and make this happen. We aren’t getting out to practice enough. It’s a good bonding time and an important skill. This is part of my job as dad.
Drinking
I’m very happy with the amount I’ve been drinking. I don’t think I’ve had more than 1 drink in a day for several weeks. I think I only had 2 drinks total last week, both at social events.
Wife Relationship
I’m still working on being more playful and gaming. Slacked off the last couple of days and need to up my effort when I get back. She’s responding well to most of my playfulness. Occasionally I get a bit of pushback but I’m having fun with it and she clearly is most of the time. e.g. I accidentally told her she had a fat ass the other day (she doesn’t). I stumbled over my words trying to tell her to fatten up her ass as we were discussing ice cream. She was clearly insulted but also laughed it off and insulted me back playfully. I did a little bit of DEERing in the moment but we were both laughing so no big loss. I’m trying to make sure I’m having fun with her regardless.
Lots to do.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
What's wrong with that? If you read 48 Laws of Power, Greene would argue that you should take credit for successes and ensure others take the fall for failures. As long as you learn from the failure I don't see an issue here.
arm_candy 6y ago
For one thing, I am a Nice Guy, so dumping responsibility for failure onto subordinates seems like a the wrong thing. It’s the exact opposite of Owning Your Shit.
For another, this is a dangerous path if you have competent leadership who are aware of this dynamic. I’ve seen people who engaged in this exact behavior get pushed out. I can believe that there’s a way to do this effectively but most of the time this is really obvious and breeds resentment with your own employees and distrust with your peers and management. I don’t think I have the ability to pull this off well even if I wanted to.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
Well, it depends. To me, OYS is taking actions that further your mission. Is your mission to please everyone at work? Or is work simply a means to making progress on your mission? Only you can answer that.
Fair enough, you know your limitations best. I would suggest at least skimming 48 Laws of Power if you haven't yet. It completely changed my view of office politics.
arm_candy 6y ago
It’s definitely on my reading list.
TakeIIRP 6y ago
Busy couple of days so late on this weeks OYS.
Stats
Age: 29 Height: 65 inches Weight: 166.1 BF: 25.1% fitbit scale, Wife: 29, Married 5 years, Together 9 years, 1 Child - 1 Year old
Reading
I need to go through the prerequisites again. Get myself back in check mentally. Started reading Testosterone Optimization Therapy by Jay Campbell and Optimized Under 35 by Daniel Kelly.
Physical/health
• Had to hold off on lower body workouts due to lower back pain from my own improper mechanics at work causing a strain. Healed and back to my routine tomorrow.
• Got lazy on tracking macros but was mindful of overall intake. Back to tracking.
Career/finances
• Work is steady.
• I have my plans for my career. That hasn't changed.
Relationship
• Failed on rising to the occassion. My fault. Got anxious. Had to try to do a quicky. She's gotten some of her natural libido after stopping birth control. Decided it's time to get my T levels checked. Likely mostly mental but of course getting my T levels checked to check off that box. I know I shouldn't care but I had concern that she would shit test me on it. Instead she rubbed my cock before work "as proof" that it's mental. One point to her. She won the battle but I'll win... the next battle.
• Dealing with some identity theft on my wife's credit. She has shut down but I'm handling what I can without her having to talk them. It irritates me that she can't adult. It's my fault for allowing that. Something that will need to change in the future. With her or the next one that comes along.
• Had a zoo trip with the family that went well.
Goals for this week
• Continue readings.
• Refocus on what my mission is - as of right now the goal is to continue improving myself.
• For the love of all that is holy - STFU. Need to do this more and more.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
She's a reflection of you. If you've been a drunk captain in the past, don't expect her to own her shit. Things will change if you're setting a good example (which it seems you are now) but it takes time for her to come around.
TakeIIRP 6y ago
Thanks for reminding me. Drunk captain number 2 is where I seem to fall. Picking back up on WISNIFG.
gvntr 6y ago
OYS 2019-06-3
Stats: age 60, married, 2 kids in school, weight 75 (now fasting with OMADs and 48s)
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OVERALL -- Main girl a/k/a "the trash that took itself out" was hauled away in dumpster, releasing huge energy and new developments across the board for me. Now riding the wave of energy.
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STFU – this remains a problem as for my game, otherwise getting better at home and with social life. Along with validation whoring and being a nice guy. I am journaling this stuff and grading myself daily.
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LIFT – successfully made the switch from the gym to doing full body workouts with KBs at home on an accelerated schedule of 3x /wk. Increased BJJ sessions to 2x week. Started doing fasting and now seeing the weight drop --first encouraging development on my weight loss in several years, now I have begun to believe that I can get past my set point of around 75 kg and get shredded somewhere in the 60's. There I said it. Fucking shredded. A word I would never let pass my lips before. So negative. But now I believe it's doable.
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READ – Rereading Scott Adams "How to Fail" very slowly, it's better on the second read, incredibly. A must read book.
Listening to Snake Juice on Youtube, about fasting. Very hard core red pill dieting. Making my long march thru Jocko Podcast.
Did an online Values survey to see what my values are according to an outsider's view. Have incorporated the result into my self-knowledge Program, alongside an integrity reading/exercise from Brian Tracy. I am reprogramming myself with this. Now have a much better idea of who and what I am.
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DRUNK CAPTAIN -- I continued to OYS my unfinished house and garden. Started breaking down the huge amount of stuff left to do down into Sprints and the focusing on the Sprints week by week. Got a ton of habaneros planted in the garden.
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SHARPEN SAW – I made concrete efforts to improve skills in several areas this month. Again it is inch by inch. Except I had a breakthrough in my online game.
Also, made numerous improvements to my System for running my life. One big thing is that I am now setting goals for the week, then reviewing and grading at end of week. Same with the month. In other words, the intensity and quality of my review is better.
​
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SOCIAL -- Surprisingly, the values survey stated that all my top values are social. Jeez, I thought I was all about the money and the pussy. Speaking of pussy, looks like I may have a new main girl who could technically be my granddaughter, and the hottest woman I have been out with since I was her age. Out with the trash, in with the hotness.
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MISSION: bring value — I create and bring it for somebody or something every day, somehow. Main objective here is to raise my two daughters, and this past week I had a couple of fantastic sessions with teachable moments with both of them. This was the best quality time with them in quite some time.
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SUMMARY – This month I came out on the other side and now cranking.
Cloudy_Pirate 6y ago
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Completely agree. I read it 4 years ago and still go back to it. Since RP, I see the book differently and it's even better.
hack3ge 6y ago
Ummmm I hope you have this backwards - you stopped going to the gym to do KBs at home? If so you are an autistic faggot and need to re-read the sidebar.
gvntr 6y ago
Yeah, I struggled with this for a long time, as you will see from my earlier OYSes but I kept injuring myself on the barbells and having long layoffs, so now I am trying a different approach and it's working out. Rather than have long layoffs from the gym, my system is to grind away at a workout routine consistently and up the intensity when I get ready.
Still an autistic faggot, I'll own that.
JCX_Pulse 6y ago
My assumption here is that you’re saying my BF is much higher than I think it is. It very well could be, it was an estimate based on my measurement at my heaviest (192) which was 14%.
As for my squat, I started rebuilding it maybe a year ago from a horrible 275lb disaster to a lowly, but functionally sound 185 for reps. My bench has always been my work horse and is still my strongest lift. If I wanted to brag about numbers I would lie about my squat and deadlift which should be much higher.
In regards to work: what I said was definitely a bitchfest because my co-workers are incompetent, I am, however, treated quite well, and I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise. The projects given and extra work are a result of my good work and show confidence in my ability to deliver. I’m also paid better than anyone else on my team by quite a bit. At the time I wrote my OYS I was tired of dealing with their shit and vented it out.
Cleaning out the garage is hard. It’s been a process facing a lot of “demons” that created the nice guy in me, and can be quite challenging at times to continue to face, but that’s why I’m here, to get kicked in the nuts for being a pussy by you assholes to help me stay the course when I want to waiver back into the easy way of a blue pill life.
[deleted] 6y ago
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JCX_Pulse 6y ago
Got measured yesterday and came out to 13%, so that was disappointing, but whatever, it lit a fire under me.
I’ve been re-reading NMMNG which made me realize how little progress I made the first time around, making the second time harder in some ways. The mirror is more glaring to look at straight on. I’m not proud of what I see and am hard on myself for not “getting it” faster.
Ego is an issue, it’s a protective blanket that I fall back on often to save face. The good news is I have no illusions of being “alpha” or “alpha adjacent” and recognize my many stumbling blocks, but I keep on trying to move forward a little bit each day.
egc6 6y ago
OYS 31
Stats: Age 32. Wife 31. Married 7. 185 lbs. 6'0. 12% (Navy) - 14%BF (calipers).
I took 3 weeks off from posting an OYS. I usually do better and come back with better focus and drive after a little break.
Testosterone Replacement
/u/hack3ge nailed the prediction. "at 60mg a week you are likely lower than when you started most of the week".
I got my blood work done last week and had my follow up appointment this morning. My TT went from 340 to 209 ng/dL. My FT went from 10.3 to 7.8 pg/mL. He told me I was a strange case study of getting worse instead of slightly better at that dose. So he doubled my dose from 60mg/week to 120mg/week. He told me he wants to get me to mid 800s and apologized for how bad I must be feeling right now at 209. I'm going to keep splitting my dose keep e2 in check. Right now it is sitting pretty at 20.3 where before it was 32.
Everything Else
Biggest issue I have is health right now. Lack of energy, no motivation, and waves of depression. All of which are a direct result of the hormone rebalancing. Should change drastically over the next 3 weeks. Not much else to be done about it. I'm working out twice a week and feeling gassed all the other times.
I've gotten lots of practice holding frame while feeling awful. It has pushed me to a new level of not caring, which isn't all positive. I'm not phased at work or at home, but I also don't care about furthering projects at home, reading anything useful, or even working in my shop outside. I'm just existing. Again, that should change in about 3 weeks.
At work I've just been handed a free project to bill 50hrs/week for 5 weeks, while actually working maybe 20. Couldn't have come at a better time. Low stress, zero management, extra cash. I bought a couple new books to help me work on a program to automate most of the job after this one. Going to spend much of that free time working on it.
I don't care about sex at all right now. Me and the wife have sex 1-2 times a week right now. Just keeping the habit up. I have fun while we are in the middle of it, but the motivation before isn't there. Not much gaming going on.
I'm taking positive action again on the business I wanted to set up this time last year. Conversations with a guy at work have me motivated to get the certification I need. I'm currently studying for the exam and general knowledge. Might be ready in 3 months time at this rate.
hack3ge 6y ago
You will need 8 weeks to get to steady levels on the new protocol and should test again at that point. But you should start feeling solid on 120 - you may actually be too high though. I went in for mine and I'm on 100/week and I was at 1080 at trough so just watch out as you may get some high E2 symptoms at about 4 weeks and you just need to grit it out until you get blood tests.
egc6 6y ago
He was split on if he should move me to 100 or 120. Settled on 120 based on how I reacted to 60. Said he has a guy in the 800s only taking 50mg a week and another guy stuck at 600 taking 220mg each week. People react all sorts of ways.
He wants to do blood work in 3 months unless I start feeling something and push to do it sooner. Said to call him in 4 weeks to talk about how I'm feeling. Said to call if I noticed any sort of nipple sensitivity like they were feeling like getting sore from rubbing against my shirt too much. He also said it could be too high and we would back it down some. Especially if back acne and aggression became a problem. "Some guys don't want to walk around jacked with a tent in their pants all day" were his exact words.
hack3ge 6y ago
Lies - welcome to my world.
The aggression won't happen from TRT alone - thats if you start mixing in other compounds. TRT actually makes you calm. You can have other high E2 symptoms like bloating and not have nipple issues - those are genetic. But yeah blood tests at 6 weeks is where the half life hits peak so you should be doing them then while dialing it all in.
cyclone1991 6y ago
Did your Dr. prescribe HCG? This is needed to keep your natural T production going and keeps your nuts from shrinking to nothing.
Your E2 went down when your T went down. They are linked. Good chance it climbs as your T climbs.
egc6 6y ago
He did not. He did ask if I wanted to have any kids in the future. I do not.
Didn't realize it was keeping natural production going. Thought it had to do with with fertility more than anything. Doc told me there is something to inject if I'm worried about testicle shrinkage. Told me it isn't really a concern and most his patients don't notice much of a change.
Yes and no. Because my E2 was already somewhat high to start he gave me an AI from the start. It crashed my E2 pretty hard and I had an uncomfortable 4 weeks of symptoms before realizing the cause. It came back up to a normal level after being crashed. I'm splitting my dose to hopefully avoid having to mess with an AI in the future. I'm going to be on the look out for high E2 signs after the increase.
cyclone1991 6y ago
Go to T-nation t replacement web page and read all the stickies.
It will explain HCG and how to manage E2 with an AI. HCG tells your body to make T and many other hormones etc.
Many doctors are clueless about t replacement. You need to know everything you can to help guide your doctor to get what you need to to feel good.
Also it can take a while (months to years) to get everything dialed in.
I wish you well in your journey.
egc6 6y ago
I'm not sure I found the exact page you were referencing on T-nation. I did go and search HCG on the site and read several articles. Only one had to do with HCG specifically and it was about using it instead of full blown TRT.
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
Age: 36 / height: 5' 7" / weight: 143lbs / fat: 16%
Lifts: SQ 224 / DL 253 / OHP 100 / BP 148
Physical
Slowly slowly still cutting, saw a few photos of me whilst we were at the beach. I don't look like a skinny nerd as much. Starting to look like I lift. I am more confident in wearing no top. I will continue the cut to 12% still aiming for 1% per month before I bulk.
Shit Tests
I realise that 90% of the shit tests are actually compliance or requests from the wife to own my shit. I had a genuine shit test and hard no and laughed it. She followed me around and seemed keen to start conversations with me which I did (not acting butthurt). I will continue to own my shit around the house and step up as the leader. It's 100% all on me.
Mindset
I re read no more Mr nice guy and when I say no I feel guilty. This is important and will take more reads to get it. I had the week of and planned and executed fun times with the family. No kick back from the wife she said several times "I'm just going along with this". I realise I'm a bitch and 100% in my wife's frame and looking for the pussy (crack addicts fix). I'm doing more for me now, golf, fishing, bjj lessons :) I still struggle and am a needy bitchy pawing at mummy.
I'm afraid of conflict, addressing this with nmmng in all areas. Since my mental pussy meltdown a few weeks back I have been calm. I put this down to me getting frustrated and angry without being able to release it. I feel myself on this backslide now and need to learn to vent my anger and frustration. I'm pretty stoic (boring) and non emotional in general just infrequent outbursts at the wife due to lack of fucking. I'm not going to be discussing this with the wife aka "negotiating desire" I just need to suck it up and keep going. I'm shit at expressing both my emotions and desires and default to STFU because I'm not stupid to argue with a woman (again).
Been listening to book of pook audio version and it's starting to sink in. Working my way through the 21 convention you tube videos.
Someone said I should be further than this by now (they are right). My fear of conflict and doing things half arsed and worries about upsetting the wife have held me back. I have been an analytical dancing monkey looking at the wife to her reaction to my limp arsed changes. I need to fully cut the cord and disconnect from her. She isn't my mother. Building my life and doing what I want are key. This is a reset and rebuild. I will be the man, I will have a sexual relationship with a woman again either way. I will lose my fear and I will burn it all to ashes if I want to. I am hard on myself I need to chill the fuck out and calm the fuck down and stop taking life so seriously. I don't have a mission yet this is missing.
Relationship
No sex for a few months now, prior to that it was nearly 5 years. I need to fuck, I'm a man! She dosent want me, she threw away all her sexy underwear (saw it in the bin STFU). It was a gut punch I admit. Initiated one weekend, got a hard no. Got up and lifted instread. The grind continues.
Organised an action date for our anniversary and it's something I want to do that's fun and I invited her along. She seems keen unlike last year (post on that) learnt my lesson just do don't ask.
Action points
[deleted] 6y ago
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FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
A couple weeks ago you were thinking of withdrawing affection. How is that going?
yeah not well, i automatically provide comfort to the wife when its not wanted. Hugs, kissing etc. This is a covert contract because I want to fuck. I have to kill it and stop providing comfort and let her come to me. im like a crack whore wanting a fix of feels and validation from mummy. I have put an app on my phone to help me break the habbit of providing comfort (kissing, hugs and orbiting her including asking if she is "ok" and saying "I love you"). I have decided gaming the wife is ok, teasing, arse slapping (drive bys) and taking the piss are all ok.
Me too! Specifically how are you addressing it? Are you planning on confronting someone or something this week?
I am easily manipulated, no more Mr Nice Guy and WISNIFG are my go to tools right now. If i feel im being manipulated i have the tools to help. Shit tests are a big source of confict as the wife loses her shit when she dosent get what she wants... "so you cant even get a drink for me now". You have every right to feel angry. Your wife has been withholding sex for five years. That’s not a balanced relationship (i.e. a relationship based on the premise that her needs and wants matter and your needs and wants matter, too.) It’s okay to feel angry; the key, as you point out, is learning how to channel your anger effectively Emotions organize and motivate action. They help us overcome obstacles in our mind and in the environment. Instead of blowing up at your wife use your anger to overcome the fears/self-limiting beliefs that are preventing you from pursuing your mission/being the best you.
i need a side mission so i have something else to focus on, my lifting buddy is helping me put together some sideline web marketing work.
I think you were smart to juxtapose these two sentences; they go hand in hand. What do you enjoy doing? My guess is that your intrinsic bliss will eventually lead you to your mission. If I were you I’d plan at least one pleasant event this week to do just for fun.
yeah im on leave next week wife at work and kids at school, apart from owning my shit in the house im going golfing with my Dad, jujitsu lessons and fishing.
hack3ge 6y ago
You need to watch how deep you cut - I was 150 @ 10% same height roughly and I looked way too skinny. Are your lifts going up, down or staying the same?
Those outbursts are nice guy behavior and you should know that by now - the reason its happening is because you still have covert contracts and are doing this for her. You are getting your validation or lack there of from her too - my wife threw out all of her sexy underwear in a tantrum once and I just laughed at her and said "Man that sucks I can't believe you did that those were mint condition - its not like there is a store at the mall you can go to buy that type of stuff."
As I see it you have two issues - you aren't in your own frame and you are continuing to accept her shitty behavior. I sure as shit wouldn't take my wife out for our anniversary if she hadn't fucked me for a few months.
At this point why are you spending any time with her at all? Escalate and leave the fucking house. Sure you are a weak skinny faggot but you aren't fat and I'm sure you can do better than a wife who doesn't want to fuck - go prove it....
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
Slowly increasing, eating a little more now. I get what you saying. I might try carb cycling to ensure i don't waste away.
I agree, I am doing this looking for a reaction from her. I want her to desire me and want me. I don't know how to flip this mindset.
Yeah I get pissed off when shit like this happens. I shouldn't but i honestly do.
Sounds like a covert contact? Or am I missing something?
I should and will do this more.
hack3ge 6y ago
Do you really want to give your time and energy to a woman who is treating you like that? Do you not have other things you would rather do with the limited time you have on this planet? I don't care how she reacts to it or what she thinks but my time is valuable and I'm not going to spend it with a sexually disinterested woman if I want to have sex.
My wife tried pulling the hide the pussy card for 2 months - at some point I just was like what the fuck am doing here. I would escalate and leave the house to do other things and got distant - I honestly didn't care either way and was ready to move on.
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
Fair point, thanks that is clear. Escalate and leave the house. I can't carry on wasting my life. I have needs, I keep telling myself that it's ok and normal to want sex
Reject444 6y ago
OYS #15
SITUATION: Me-- 40, 5’10”, 162 lbs., \~18% bodyfat (fuck what the Omron says, I’m being realistic here). Wife--40, married 20+ years; we have both been each other’s only sexual partner (that I know of). Two kids, one 2 years old and one early elementary school aged.
MISSION: Return to being the awesome, successful MAN with huge potential I was before I got married; be emotionally self-sufficient (rely only on myself for validation, support, and judgment).
PHYSICAL: I’m really liking my new lifting program so far (Andy Baker’s “Mass and Strength Over 40”). It’s basically a modified 5/3/1 and my lift numbers are progressing steadily again. They still suck, but I see how this program is going to help me improve over time. I’m setting the following lift goals by the end of the year: Bench 185, Squat 215, DL 275, OHP 135. These still aren’t terribly impressive numbers, I know, but they each represent a HUGE improvement over where I am now (and have been stuck for months). They seem ambitious because I have a long way to go to hit each one.
I’m trying hard not to get frustrated about how long I’ve been lifting and how little progress I’ve made, both in lift numbers and in muscle development. I see it as everything up until now being preparation for stating this new program, which is now me lifting in earnest. The past year of lifting was just preparatory groundwork for the ream lifting, which starts now. I started below zero, and now have (I think) at least worked my way up to ground level. For example, I have a bit of thickness in my pecs for literally the first time in my life; up until a year ago my chest looked like a hairier version of a prepubescent kid’s—totally flat and undeveloped. Even though I’m still weak, I’m starting to feel like an actual MAN. It feels good.
Based on the feedback from my last OYS, I’ve ramped up into a calorie surplus and am now eating 300-400 calories per day over my TDEE. I’m at low weight but high bodyfat—I can’t cut down much more so I need to add muscle mass in order to reduce my bodyfat % (because adding more lean mass will reduce that % even if my actual volume of fat stays the same or increases a bit). Planning on bulking for the rest of 2019 and then seeing where things stand, but I’ll be flexible with it if necessary. I can already see how this is paying dividends in my strength during workouts. Hopefully I will put on some good muscle mass as well.
FAMILY: I keep doing what I can to spend meaningful time with my kids while also doing all of the other stuff I need/want to do. I try to pack weekends with family time and fun activities to make up for the fact that our time is so limited during the week (due primarily to my lifting, working, and social schedules). My wife has been killing it in the “Mom” department lately and has navigated some difficult tasks and issues for both of our kids, largely seeking my guidance and accepting my leadership throughout the process. Of the three “roles” we discuss—wife, girlfriend, mother—she definitely brings the most value in her “mother” role (sometimes to the detriment of her other two roles). Good for the kids, but benefits me less than the other two.
MENTAL: Still focusing on killing my needs for external validation and caring about the judgments of others. Feeling some progress here but it comes in fits and starts. I’m reading through “The Way of Men” by Jack Donovan and it is really resonating with me. I’m understanding things about our culture and social order in ways I never have before. I’m seeking to cultivate more of my own healthy masculinity (which I have to date severely neglected and underdeveloped).
CAREER: I am staying on top of this and always looking for opportunities to improve my situation. Things are actually good in my career, and it has been easy to get complacent and just maintain that comfortable status quo, but while good it’s not GREAT and not exactly where I hoped to be at this stage in my life/career. Movement in my industry from where I am now is difficult and time-intensive, but I’m putting in the effort to seek out and try to take advantage of any opportunities that arise.
RELATIONSHIP: My wife is generally very nice to me; she doesn’t get upset at me, doesn’t insult me or call me names, and rarely shit tests me—these have all been constants throughout our 20-year+ marriage. (I’m not sure whether this means I’m doing something RIGHT or something very WRONG). She asks for and defers to my leadership in most things she undertakes, particularly in her “mother” role for our kids. We get along well, don’t fight often, and tend to have a good time and enjoy each others’ company when we’re together.
But sex may be at its lowest point right now in a long time. Wife says that over the past few months it’s as if “a switch has been turned off” for her libido (not that she has EVER had much of one to begin with, at least since we were married) and she has no real desire or enjoyment of sex. I finally convinced her to see her doctors about this, and as I thought, they suspect that she may be dealing with depression (they think it’s post-partum, even though our youngest is now two years old). She’s at least finally doing something about this. We will see where it goes.
Last week I told her that I was no longer interested in fucking a corpse and would not be accepting starfish sex. I can’t live with myself just taking that anymore. I told her that I’m going to take the pressure off of her a bit and stop initiating for a while, because I want a loving and enthusiastic sexual relationship and she’s not willing to participate in that right now, and that I’m not happy about it but this is what I need to do right now to be able to live with myself in this relationship. Out of all the work I’ve done in MRP, this seemed to be the first thing that gave her any Dread. She immediately starting complaining that if I did that, she would feel like a failure because she’s not providing a sexual relationship (I told her she isn’t providing much of one right now anyway), and that she would be wondering where I was getting it if not from her (I told her that the solution was easy—provide me the sex that I want and then she won’t need to worry). Two nights later, she initiated and we had some of the best sex we’ve had in a while, and the first time she’s been into it at all in months. That was over the weekend, and nothing more has happened since then. I’m going to ride this out a while and see how it goes. She knows I’m unhappy with our sex life (she has known this for a long time) but I think this is the first time she’s seen that I’m willing to upset the status quo in order to change it and to make myself happy regardless of what she does. I’m in wait-and-see mode on this right now, but hopefully it will pay dividends where nothing else so far has worked.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
So your mission is to be a ~20 year old? Fuck that. I guarantee you're looking at things through rose colored glasses. Your SMV potential now is much better than it was then. Aim higher.
Let me suggest another course if all you get right now is starfish. Don't turn it down, in fact initiate as much as you can. Quantity over quality at this point. Read SGM and MMSLP. Go caveman on her and make sure you're coming inside of her. Dominance and testosterone are both good for her libido.
man_in_the_world 6y ago
You're taking the quick and easy BP way out by attempting to negotiate attraction instead of committing to the MRP program of making yourself attractive before pulling on the 1000' rope.
Reject444 6y ago
I guess I get what you're saying, but I'm not sure I totally see what I'm negotiating here.
I've reached a point where I've realized that, whether I'm attractive or not, my wife has some serious issues and hangups around sex that likely prevent HER from having a long-term great sex life even with the hawtest of Chads. I'm continuing to work on improving myself for me, and whether she responds to that or not is her choice. But I feel it's part of my duty as the leader of my relationship to encourage her to invest in fixing her own sexual shit, because as it is no matter how attractive I become or how much Dread I can get her to feel, she's unlikely to be able to provide the kind of sexual relationship I'm looking for (and I'm not looking for anything unusual or crazy; I'm talking about wanting an occasional BJ).
If she's dealing with depression, or her anxiety is out of control, or her hormones are totally messed up, or there is some other underlying medical thing going on that physiologically kills her libido, I want to make sure that is identified and resolved before I evaluate whether she is capable of giving me what I want sexually. The problem is that I can only do so much; I can't "fix" this for her because it's her body and her health and she is going to need to be invested in fixing it if it's ever going to be fixed. But she's complacent and won't take any steps to address it unless I do something to upset the status quo and SHOW her that the current situation is untenable. She only made this upcoming follow-up appointment with her doctor after I started turning down her offers of starfish. And we had good sex for the first time in weeks (maybe months) just after I told her that I was stopping my initiations for a while. I did this in part because I just couldn't bear the constant only-starfish sex anymore, and in part because nothing else I had done effectively put her on notice that my patience with her lack of effort was growing thin.
I haven't issued any ultimatums or direct threats of cheating or divorce or anything like that. I'm not bargaining or negotiating; I'm simply telling her my reaction to the sex she's been offering, which is my only action in the current scenario that maintains my own integrity. I saw it more as standing up for myself and not continuing to do something that makes me like myself less.
man_in_the_world 6y ago
TL;DR: I've been "MRPing" for many months now, but without much visible progress. (Starting from -1000? Fuckarounditis? Kryptonite?) My lifts are those of an average 15-year-old boy; I'm merely a mediocre weekend-only Dad; I'm most often still a needy validation whore; I'm coasting in my career; I haven't yet started to improve my initiations, game, and kino with my wife. In short, I'm little more attractive now than before I started, and (as expected by everyone except me) my wife's sexual interest has also remained the same.
Yet for some obscure reason (covert contract? entitlement? ego? despair?) I attribute my wife's unchanged desire for me to some unknown hangup or medical issue that would leave her sexually unresponsive even unto the almighty Sex God Chad himself.
There's no reason for you to continue having sex you don't want. But there's also no reason for you to expect a "participation trophy" for your ineffectual MRP effort which has so far produced little real improvement in your attractiveness ... or to conclude that your wife is asexual.
Persaeus 6y ago
all she's seen so far is you talking issuing ultimatums. i'm with MitW, you're negotiating attraction.
but ok, your put the shot over the bow. from now on, actions not words. step off the starfsh and say nothing. when she ask, don't make a speech . . . just state your not interested in starfish and then be gone doing something else.
actions are 1000x louder than words
Reject444 6y ago
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There are two main issues I struggle with in following this advice. First, if I'm initiating and she accepts, she makes it pretty clear up front whether it's going to be starfish or not. If she's going to starfish, she basically accepts my advances by offering starfish. It means she's not in the mood but will accommodate me to keep me happy, and it has worked for her for years. For the past few months, it's been 99% starfish, and for the last several weeks, I had been politely declining her "offers" of starfish and just dropping the issue to do something else (usually go to sleep). This conversation actually arose when she offered starfish, I politely declined, she pressed the issue and made a comment that I "wasn't interested," and I told her that I WAS interested in having enthusiastic and mutually participatory sex, but no longer interested in one-sided starfish sex. Then she went off on her anxieties and all the pressure she feels (around general life stuff, in addition to sex), and--this is where I likely went wrong--I said that we should remove some of that pressure by me refraining from initiating for a while, because I'm no longer tolerating the shitty results I was getting from initiating lately anyway. But when she throws starfish, she makes clear from the beginning that that's all I'm getting, so if I've accepted that it feels intellectually dishonest for me to "step off" in the middle of the act as a protest, because I really knew from the beginning that that's all she was offering.
The second thing is that due to my work schedule, my lifting and other social activities, the kids' schedules, and other miscellaneous life shit, the only time that is practically available for my wife and I to have any "alone time" is late at night near bedtime. So if I'm dropping sex in favor of "doing something else" in response to her denial or starfish, there is very little "else" I can do--the gym is closed, and I will want to go to sleep pretty soon anyway. There have been a couple of times I have gone into my home office to edit my photos after she turned down an initiation, but that's not exactly showing her that I have a great, fun life built up (and for all I know she thinks I was in there jerking off or something anyway). I know I'm not that good at initiating in the first place and I'm looking for ways to break that pattern; I just haven't figured out how yet because the time constraints are really limiting.
Persaeus 6y ago
gonna come at this from a couple different angles. first, upon reading your post i had the same thought as MitW about your lifts and overall improvement. it's kinda "meh". it's been proven by many that getting to that next level of size and strength has limbic impact on female tingles. on the other hand, i don't subscribe to the idea that you have to be a fitness model to get fucked by your wife or any woman for that matter. only you know if MitW critique that your looking for your participation trophy is true or not.
i have no experience with a woman, including my wife, "telling" me how the sex is going to be before it happens . . . but knowing myself my response would either be to just leave or tell her "don't tell me how to fuck" and then pounding her guts out.
i do have experience with her communicating through her body language that the starfish is coming.
LOL, way too much thinking with the big head here and too little with the little head. i just do whatever i want in that moment. if i want a nut, then ground and pound . . . truth is most of the time when i get out of my own way she gets into it and we have a solid bang. if i'm into it and she's not and that causes me to not be into it, then i step off. there's no "intellectual" to it. i'm listening to my dick, not my inner child. this is all a few years ago, i haven't seen the starfish once we get going in years now.
again, overthinking. stop figuring and start doing. expect to get rejected more because of actual legitimate reasons (logistics). 90% of our fuckery occurs in bed, might be going to bed, might be in the morning, might be at 2 am when i pull her panties down and wake her up with the D. i mostly get rejected outside of the bed; but ABC - always be closing. shift the frame of the relationship to sex.
Jizzcuits 6y ago
OYS #2
Background: 24 yrs old. Grew up in a conservative Christian household. Dad was passive with bursts of anger, Mom ruled the house with an iron fist. Started dating my now wife at 17 married her 5 years later because I thought it was the right thing to do. Married 2 years no kids, had my shit together in the beginning but dropped out of college because I had no direction and I needed to get a job and move out of my parents house for my sanity. Got married and slowly slipped into beta-hubby routine, gained 50lbs, got heavy into video games and drinking. Sex slowly declined, shes sweet and likes me as a person but can't get physically wet for me, probably because of my massive gut and stretch marks on my thighs. Discovered MRP 6 months ago, been devouring the sidebar and top posts but failed to be disciplined enough to stick with anything until now.
Physical:
Going full keto and IF next week. Sugar is too easy to keep eating if I don't cut it completely. I had a soda every day this week and gained 3 lbs.
Only made the gym 2 days last week. I think I'm going to go every day and at least get some cardio in on my off days of lifting. I need to build the habit. Lifts are 5x5: Squat: 95 lbs Bench: 65 lbs Deadlift: 135 lbs OHP: 50 lbs Barbell rows: 65 lbs
Money/Career
I'm going 6 days at work and going to work longer shifts to pick up some overtime. I can get this debt knocked out and a decent emergency fund in place over the next 3 months with the extra OT money. Classes are registered for Fall. Plan is moving forward.
Mental/Reading
Halfway through MMSLP. Everything still makes sense in a sad way. A bit of anger coming through when I'm chilling at home or on my break at work. Staying busy seems to be the best way to shut it down. I've noticed now that I have something to move towards career-wise and money-wise, I have less desire for escapes like video games or netflix.
Relationship
She made a doctor's appointment for her downstairs issues. Her period is this week so no plans or expectations of any actions. She's wierd in that she doesn't get bitchy during her period, she just gets extremely clingy and needy. Im working on being more lighthearted and less autistic.
Over the last month or so I find myself wanting something more. Our life is very boring and maybe is because we are just boring people, but I'm sick of it. I want more out my relationship. I've had some real passionate relationships before her and even when I had my shit together our relationship never had that raging fire of desire. I don't know what this is but it's got my head all fucked up. It's definitely part of where my anger is coming from.
muzzy_w 6y ago
When you were 14?
You never really got to date as an adult so your prespective is most likely skewed.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
You're on the right track. There's a reason the veterans say to post in OYS: it keeps you accountable and gives you the feedback you need. Posting every week without fail has been tremendously helpful for me.
Start today! No hamstering about it. Read the r/keto FAQ, it tells you literally everything you need to know. I just started and it has been fantastic for me.
Just make sure you take it slow and try not to let that anger fuck things up. Everyone seems to make this same mistake, even if we are reminding each other constantly. You may feel like a new man now that you're swallowing the pill, but nobody else can see it yet. Just keep that in mind and ratchet down your expectations.
Onein1024th 6y ago
OYS #3
Abstract: I've been unplugged for 3 years, but mostly trying to absorb and internalize amidst a crazy period of life (business, move, etc). I'm done skipping around on the steps of dread. The Gym is the crux of ending this fuckarounditis. There's a baby in the house, so most dread is on hold except the gym, which is where I'm most lacking anyways.
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Stats: 6ft, 170lbs, DL 260, Squat 190, bench 145. Ectomorph who needs to learn to eat/sleep enough.
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Books: Art of Seduction, 48 Laws of Power (halfway through right now), NMMNG, WISNIFG, the way of the superior male, the book of pook, bang!, day bang!, The Rational Male
Gym: I'm getting back into the gym (lifting again, crossfit was fun but wasn't nearly strength focused enough for me). An awesome gym by my house with childcare. Best part, a coworker who I get along with works out there too, I'm hoping this is an opportunity to add a social element to my workout, get to know some guys at the gym. I've found that with wireless headphones and audiobooks, lifting becomes an escape for me.
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my routine is loosely based on SL 5x5 3 days a week (working up to 5). Run to warm up. Each day is Chest/Triceps, Back, or Biceps/Shoulders. On shoulder days I deadlift first. On back days I squat first. I've been adding lower weight isometrics to get in there and focus on individual muscles after my compound lifts
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Sleep and eating enough calories are high priority secondary goals to time in the gym.
Style took a huge jump over the last few years. Well cut dress shirt, jeans, nice shoes, clean shaven. When I go casual, I try to still spruce it up with nice bracelets and cologne. I'm where I want to be for the time being. I'm considering a nice watch in the future. Long term I should wear more suits.
sex/relationship I'm intentionally ignoring this for now and focusing on the gym, which has been my biggest weakness. My wife is the bossy know-it-all type who rarely thinks of sex. Either she's a lost cause or I'm unattractive. Solution to either: lift.
I had a plate a year back, I let it drop and didn't replace it because things at home slightly improved and I got my hopes up. I'm alright without a plate, I think I was just doing it for validation.
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I pass shit tests, but I'm not good at identifying them as they happen, so I could pass these much smoother with some awareness. Our toddler has been acting up lately so I've been really taking the lead on parenting methods, researching best practices.
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OYS I'm beginning to realize I'm addicted to quick dopamine fixes. Social media especially. I'm looking to drastically reduce my screen time and porn usage to really fixate my energy on work, parenting and gym. Any tips to reduce screentime would be appreciated.
Our budget has really gotten out of whack with the baby bills and maternity leave. I'm going through our expenses with a fine-toothed comb. If it doesn't improve soon, we'll move to a cash only system until she goes back to work.
Validation is a moving target for me. Sometimes I'm confident and in control. Other times I'm a pathetic mess, messaging my former plate at 11pm at night instead of going to bed. I'm never getting that plate back, considering how beta I've shown myself to be; last we spoke she wanted to be my sugarbaby, which was coming from a financial rather than attraction based place. Hell no. My validation troubles seem related to porn/social media use and poor sleep. When my inner beta comes out, I disgust myself. I'm struggling to get my head on straight here, to be honest.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
How can you be social and wear headphones at the same time? Headphones are the universal symbol for "don't talk to me".
The Shit Test Encyclopedia really helped me with this.
Leave your phone in a different room at home or a drawer at work. I don't know how old you are but I'm assuming you're old enough to remember a time before them. You got by just fine. You can do it now just as easily.
Onein1024th 6y ago
good point. I'm meeting someone I know there, I'll leave the headphones at home tonight.
good one
egc6 6y ago
Depends on the gym. Ours is really strength focused. I don't blame you for moving to a regular one if you aren't seeing gains.
I'll bet on the latter. Don't be tempted to blame her till you get your shit in order. Sure fire way to slip into anger phase, especially since you have been fucking around for 3 years.
Know that feeling of disgust you get when you see another man ignoring those around him to check his likes on IG or facebook? Pathetic isn't it. Seen guys trying to get that right pose or face in public for their next picture? It's embarrassing. Don't be that guy. Pretending your life is better than it is and then soaking up all the fake approval. The people who obsess and live vicariously through others are even worse. That is a pretty good motivator.
I was addicted to porn for a very long time as a crutch for many other things. Best thing I found to do was to just stop. Cold turkey. If you are horny and your wife doesn't want to have sex, go jerk off with no porn. If you can't, then you don't really want it enough or your brain is so messed up from porn usage you need to fight through it anyway.
You have fucked around for 3 years already. At least you know you are acting like a faggot. Get your shit together, make a MAP, stick to it.
Onein1024th 6y ago
yeah mine had a strength component and fantastic coaching. My form on every lift improved tenfold. I just felt I wasn't getting enough time on the weights at the end of the day. I def. miss the community aspect, hoping to get to know some more regulars at my gym.
Agreed. Top priority, gym. Next is habits. My next book is Athol Kay's MMSLP, I should layout a detailed MAP from that.
resolutions316 6y ago
Sort of a quiet, boring week. Grinding.
**BODY**
7 days perfectly on diet plan. Got all four workouts in - was planning on doing a "make up session" (only did 3 last week) but ended up with piriformis pain AGAIN. Not a leg day or anything.
Found a video that suggested the opposite of stretching (which is what I'd been doing religiously since the last time I had this problem) - shortening the muscle. The theory being that the piriformis may actually be overstretched, resulting in nerve irritation similar to sciatica.
Been doing some of those exercises and saw some relief. Recovery time (two days) was also shorter this time around. Going to work those into my warm ups and skip some of the stretching/focus on not sitting cross legged.
Constantly frustrated with my progress. Need to remind myself to just focus on the process. Got a new coach and enjoying the work so far. Still looking for the "right" weight for the new exercises/rep ranges. Just focusing on not getting injured while also pushing for a "vigorous" workout every time (I should leave sweaty/tired).
Extra calories definitely helping (I eat 2250 on workout days, 1750 on rest days, the difference being entirely in carbs). Higher fat content of diet now, which makes the "light" days feel less "light."
**SOCIAL LIFE**
Busy week - scheduled a dinner with a group of guy friends. Meeting a friend from England out for dinner another night.
I want to add in a Yoga class or a climbing class; to that end I trolled through MeetUp finding clubs I could check out. I also had a VA do a bunch of research on classes and prices for Yoga studios near me. I should be able to get a Yoga class scheduled for one of my non-workout days.
Both of these should be great for me in terms of adding valuable exercise AND providing an easy way to meet people (men and women. Plus, yoga milfs and climbing chicks are some of my favorites).
**RELATIONSHIPS**
Wife was sick all week. Our eldest had strep, and my wife got sick around the same time but her test came back negative. Mostly a nasty cough and a lack of energy. She hates being in bed, though, so she just worked through it.
No interest in sex, though, which I get. Frustrating for me but not much she can do about it. Part of me wonders if this was just an excuse - "I'm not attractive, she just wants a break, blah blah blah" - and then the rest of me tells me to shut the fuck up.
People get sick. Besides, even if it's true, who gives a shit? Live your life.
I need to figure out if sex with other women is really something I'm missing that I need to pursue, or if it's just a matter of "you're never happy with what you have." The ambiguity in my own thinking is slowing me down.
To that end, I've got that scheduled for this week. Didn't want to go too deep into specifics for opsec reasons.
If there's anything I've learned through the whole process of being here, it's that you just lean all the fucking way into the shit that it difficult for you.
Risk taking, putting myself first, narcissism, owning my own needs. All of that shit is wrapped up in there. But mostly, I just want to fucking do it, so I'm going to fucking do it. Time to stop thinking everything to death and just see what happens. We'll see how I feel about it next week.
I picked up the TSL Online beginner's course and am slowly working through it, practicing being social, working on the social homework/practice activities. I'm perfectly fine talking with people but hopefully this helps me deepen those conversations a bit/lead them where I want to go in a more conscious way.
If the whole last year was about dialing in my habits on food and gym, this year is about social interaction and flirting. I want to be able to meet women any time, any where, and replace my "friendly, harmless" vibe with a sexual one. The physique is a huge part of that, but so is social dynamics. Looking forward to improving on that.
**CREATIVITY**
Recorded vocals last week and like them a lot. Band practice this week, and another studio day scheduled.
weakandsensitive 6y ago
I don't even know how you go about planning this. I mean, I do, but I just don't get why.
resolutions316 6y ago
I just meant I have a “date.” Not that I, like, bust out the flow chart.
Nothing against flow charts though. Those are dope.
Smuggler-Tuek 6y ago
OYS WEEK 3
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AGE: 30
Married, twin 2 year old boys
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Physical:
Height: 5'8"
Weight:147lb
Workout:531 BBB
1RM: Squat: 265lb; Bench: 180lb; Dead lift: 226lb; Shoulder Press: 154lb
Workout is on the third week of the 4 week cycle. Going well, super tired afterwards but overall feeling really good about my progress. This is one of the first weeks where I can really see the results in my chest which has been a problem area.
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Reading:
Currently on models. Not able to read every day but making steady progress through it and gaining a lot.
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Career:
Summer is usually a slump, but being more present and proactive at work has left me busier than usual. Feeling positive and enjoying work more. Handling problems as soon as they arrive has been successful. Going to try and maintain this momentum.
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Relationship:
The end result of this was positive in a few ways I think. My wife's reaction to me acting like a psychopath was stoicism. She did not engage me, and when I was crying she consoled me but didn't say much. She told me the next day that she knew I had to get it out and didn't take the threats of divorce and shitty things I said seriously (which was good because they were just tied up in my mental breakdown, I don't actually want a divorce). This happened Saturday, and over the past few days she has grown increasingly closer to me. Opening up to me, talking to me more, and not in the fake way I'm used to seeing from her. She has been genuinely closer to me. It's slightly reassuring that expressing myself honestly won't kill me. The other good thing that came of it is I realize some serious weaknesses in myself that I was trying to believe weren't there. Her opinion is important to me. Her perception of me is important. That really sucks. It's easy to think I've made it sometimes after the past year of work, so it's incredibly useful to find out that I have a giant blindspot I need to work on. I'm not exactly sure how to fix it directly but I acknowledge the problem, and can at least start there. n out of body experience, I have never acted like that before and didn't think I was capable of it, but I unloaded on her with every ounce of anger and sadness that was in me. I screamed so loud for so long I lost my voice and kept screaming through it. Then I broke down and cried for a solid 15 minutes uncontrollably. I was mortified. It was like I had ZERO control, it just happened. I called my therapist monday and he fit me in to talk about it. He said he knew it was coming, that I had been unable to acknowledge my feelings. He has told me this before but I didn't know what it meant. As far as he was concerned, it was a good thing to have happen. He said what likely happened is I started opening up to her and desired being real with her, and my real emotions forced themselves out without me even knowing I was feeling them. I was embarrassed, and ashamed of myself, he told me not to be. He said if I ate bad food and threw it up, I wouldn't feel bad about it and this is the same thing. Logical enough.
​
I was terrified that it fucked up my progress in my marriage, which right off the bat signaled to me that I am NOT as far along as I believed myself to be. I don't crave validation or need other people, but I apparently deep down still do care about how she sees me.
​
The end result of this was positive in a few ways I think. My wife's reaction to me acting like a psychopath was stoicism. She did not engage me, and when I was crying she consoled me but didn't say much. She told me the next day that she knew I had to get it out and didn't take the threats of divorce and shitty things I said seriously (which was good because they were just tied up in my mental breakdown, I don't actually want a divorce). This happened Saturday, and over the past few days she has grown increasingly closer to me. Opening up to me, talking to me more, and not in the fake way I'm used to seeing from her. She has been genuinely closer to me. It's slightly reassuring that expressing myself honestly won't kill me. The other good thing that came of it is I realize some serious weaknesses in myself that I was trying to believe weren't there. Her opinion is important to me. Her perception of me is important. That really sucks. It's easy to think I've made it sometimes after the past year of work, so it's incredibly useful to find out that I have a giant problem area I need to work on. I'm not exactly sure how to fix it directly but I acknowledge the problem, and can at least start there.
​
Social:
Went to a party Saturday. Met a lot of people, social anxiety wasn't really an issue which felt like a victory. Party was fun, ended kind of shitty.
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Mission:
Continue to increase my self worth and independence. I realize now that I still have a need for my wife's approval. Fixing this will be my top priority for awhile. After I finish Models I'm going to read back through some of the other books for a refresher. Hopefully put those into practice better.
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
Read no more Mr nice guy and when I say no I feel guilty. These are key to changing your mindset. Keep reading them I am back to them over a year in and they have so much value
Smuggler-Tuek 6y ago
Need to re-read NMMNG. I’ll add when I say no I feel guilty. Thank you
hack3ge 6y ago
Yeah that outburst was standard nice guy behavior from keeping everything in and not being assertive about what he wants and expects.
Smuggler-Tuek 6y ago
I thought I was a lot better at it. I have improved a lot and don’t request what I want, I just tell her what I need and do it. Its gone well. This incident was something I just didn’t see coming. I had no idea I even had those feelings. It’s frustrating.
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
Yeah it's not good, I still struggle with this but I don't do the crying thing... Much better things to be doing :)
Smuggler-Tuek 6y ago
I never cry. It’s completely out of character for me. I get mad sometimes or frustrated but nothing like this. It felt like I was possessed, it was super embarrassing. Just need to keep working through it I guess, re-read and try to acknowledge my actual feelings. Then express them. Shits rough.
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
Try journaling as well, once a day. Be aware of the emotion before it grows and fucks you up... Also get your testosterone checked
Smuggler-Tuek 6y ago
I’ll add it to my daily routine, good idea.
Yeah I’ve needed to get a physical, I’ll make it a priority. I have never had an issue with it before but it would be good to rule it out.
Thank you
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
I have had it all mate, panic attacks, borderline losing my shit... All from stress and being a wimpy faggot. Talking to a shrink never helped me action and lifting and this bunch of hard arse faggots actually saved me. The hard part is rebuilding yourself, it a takes time. Learn to be the man and own your shit 100% takes time but is worth it.
MRPthrowaway123 6y ago
OYS 1
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Made a post here a couple weeks ago. Have started reading the sidebar and working on some of the stuff. Even though i'm not exactly the MRP demographic I think it will be good to at least write stuff out so I see what I've been doing.
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Stats
23 y/o
1,85m
67 kg
Navy method says 11.7% bf. Not that it matters at this weight.
Sq: 62.5kg B: 57.5kg DL: 85kg
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Physical
Lifting itself has gone well for about 10 weeks now. I've consistently done my work outs at least 5 times a week and often 6. Following the PPL from the fitness sub. Diet is not there yet. I'm simply not eating enough. I was doing better in the beginning and gained a bit there but lost some of it when I wasn't focused enough. Gained about 2kg total so not nearly enough at my weight. Have started tracking my calories again so this should be going better from here out.
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Reading
Still working through this sidebar and the one on the redpill sub. So far I've read NMMNG, Pook, Models(had done so before) and listened to the BPP podcast. I've also made a beginning on SGM.
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Studies
I had a thesis to do which I've procrastinated for months. About 4 weeks ago I've decided to stop fucking around and have started making long days on it and finish it ASAP. It's now at about 75-80% so I'm happy I'm finally getting that out of the way.
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Financial
Not much to say here. I'm a student so I don't make great amounts of money. Still doing good enough in this department I believe. No debt and about 10k saved as I work a lot next to my studies.
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Relationships
In my last post I talked about the foreign girl who I've been with for about a year and where I got too needy near the end when I visited her. I still talk to her daily and as I've always wanted to work a year abroad after studying I'm thinking of living there for a year after I'm done. She wants this too and has thus far put up with the needy stuff.
​
I'm still way too invested though, It's gotten better since I'm more aware of it but I still notice at times my mood is influenced in a massive way if there is something bad in my contact with her. I need to get rid of this, or at first at least STFU about it when it does happen and not become a whiny cunt.
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Other than that I'm seeing this other girl in my country now, this is going well but I feel she is getting too invested which is/was not my intention with this girl as I'm not looking to make it into anything more than it is now.
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I'm still trying to figure out how to define frame so I really understand it. Because I get the concept, but I certainly don't have it and also haven't really laid out the concrete steps of how to get it yet.
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Goals
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Approach some girls for the first time. I've always been decent with girls as soon as I have them on a date because there I am not afraid to escalate, but I've never really approached any except for once in a blue moon where I did it before I even thought about it. I think this is important for me if I ever want an abundance mentality because this step is holding me back far the most, so basically grow some balls in this respect.
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SQ 75KG B:65KG DL:100KG by the end of june
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Try to be less affected by stuff that happens, especially in relationships. I tend to overthink stuff and it can really stress me out/keep me up at night. Planning on reading into the stoics as those are often recommended here for these issues.
The_Litz 6y ago
You are the future of MRP. Every man is the right demographic. Here you will learn how to vet a decent woman etc.
Right now your biggest danger is getting Oneites for a girl at your age.
Trust me, unless you are a total chump more and more women will show interest in you as you mature.
A bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush. Ever heard of this saying? Forget it. It is BS. Don't settle for the first girl thinking you will never get any better. Don't ask me how I know this.
Your SMV is at its lowest now... Let that sink in...
MRPthrowaway123 6y ago
You make good points actually. It is a nice girl and the situation does suit me as ive always regretted not going abroad before so it's a difficult decision because I know at this time it might not be wise. On the other hand, under stay plan=go plan, if it doesn't work out it will hurt, but at least after that I'll be ready to have some fun playing the game. It's not like I'm planning on living together anytime soon.
I've just never had the balls to play the field for real, n count is 12 if I'm not mistaken. And I've never pushed through with working on my body which is my biggest thing lowering smv. My face is a 7 at least so I get by but the body being a 4 tops doesn't help.
Thanks for responding. In my post you guys were very clear and helpful too, even though harsh but that was needed. So I really do appreciate what you guys are doing here and plan to make the most of it.
RuleZeroDAD 6y ago
Dude. Listen to /u/The_Litz as he has put in the work. My God has he put in the work. Hey Litz, Rian and I were speaking highly of you on a recent podcast.
You, young, moldable ball of potential, get a real username that fits your personality.
Also, keep in mind, that your abundance mindset will fill in more once your skinny ass has some newb gains on it, and you eat like a grown-up.
As far as working/studying abroad, your first lesson in frame is your current approach to this idea. What do YOU want to do? Forget about "me love you long time" and the fact you MIGHT have a soft place to land if you move to where mystery girl is located. Have you even fucked her yet? If you are moving for the possibility of something long-term with her, you are in her frame. If you have a goal that centers around your aspirations and desires, then the move is in your frame.
Keep lifting, eating, and reading. For the love of God, stop procrastinating. It indicates a reactive personality, which is nearly impossible to keep frame from.
MRPthrowaway123 6y ago
I am really taking his points into consideration and they've been lingering in my mind all day actually.
Good point. Was planning on doing the next oys under a name that's not a throwaway and linking the first one in it.
This is one of the reasons I think it should work itself out if I keep reading and lifting wether I go or not.
This is a tough one I've been thinking about quite some time. I do want to go to another country anyway. And the city/country definitely isn't bad, at all. As I loved it when I had my vacation there. But I probably wouldn't go there if this wasn't also a reason. As the US or something would also be cool to go. So it's somewhere in the middle but I do hate that I feel it's on her terms, or her frame too much.
Also, yes I've fucked her, it started as nothing more than just that, at least on my end. Grew into more than that later on.
Thanks. I've never really recognized the procrastinating as as much of an issue until recently. Mostly because everything with my masters usually worked out fine since I study quite fast when I need to. But it's caused lots of issues in my personal life too. And yeah I need to eat like a normal person.
hystericalbonding 6y ago
Search MRP posts - it's there. It's like the idea of framing from social science. It's your worldview, your judgment of yourself and your situation. Some guys are too easily influenced, from extreme conspiracy theories and codependent behavior all the way down to subtly allowing other people's moods and whims to alter their mood.
After SGM, read When I Say No I Feel Guilty, and then maybe How to Win Friends and Influence People. These are tools to establish your frame, and then to sell it, not because you need to, but because it may suit you.
MRPthrowaway123 6y ago
Thanks. I've read quite a few posts on it so far. Still not completely know how to get it though. I'll read those books somewhere in the next 2 weeks thanks for the recommendation.
Yeah I'm especially guilty of the last. My beliefs/ideas aren't altered that easily. Except when someone actually makes really good points then I'm willing to change my mind as I think I should. But, I definitely let other people influence my mood way too much. Especially certain people, like I couldn't give a shit what a stranger says but an altercation with my brother can make me pissed off the entire day.
hystericalbonding 6y ago
Men with no frame, and the things they do.
MRPthrowaway123 6y ago
That post and the examples definitely gave the idea of what not to do. Thanks for linking it. I've been reading on it more and starting to get it/apply it better and better these past weeks but it's still not all there but I'm just starting so I guess that's normal too. I'm just going to keep going and posting oys at least every other week.
HornsOfApathy 6y ago
OYS #29
MRP journey is 11 months now.
37 yo, 6’0, 162lbs (+1.0lb this week), 9.5% BF, married 4, together 7, kids 2 & 12
265SQ / 265DL / 145BP
Read everything on the sidebar, reread as necessary.
Plenty of shit tests this week, but mostly passing. My wife doesn’t really shit test anything about me anymore since I’m OYS most of the time. Yeah, I get some shit tests about things I do but they are warranted because I forgot something or didn’t notice something needed done. That’s fine and expected. The shit testing about me, my choices, time, etc… have mostly stopped.
Shit testing about my son (12yo – her stepson) has ramped up. Always done in private with me, I posted in /r/askmrp and got some good advice. I need to praise her more and feel appreciated for the things she does that no one notices. I’ll dish out the praise when needed.
Weird thing started happened as wife is starting to ramp up her ASD. She’s a submissive little thing in bed that does anything I want. I can’t tell if it’s shit-testing or ASD, but when she isn’t a good mood she will say shit like: “You just take me to bed and beat me with your dick every night”, or “I don’t know if you have some kind of fetish where you want a slut”, or “Sometimes you hurt me, why would you hurt me?” …. She doesn’t complain at all during the act but I have taken the feedback about pain seriously and temperature check occasionally in the bedroom if we are actively pushing a sexual boundary once in the act.
Slut training is going well. She has started being more vocal this week – asking me to cum in her mouth and on her face. The “hold his cock in bed everynight” move has changed into us having playtime before sleeping. Now when we go to bed, it’s expected I use her as my little fucktoy and play. Even in her big ASD talks, she always says “but you can still touch me”. From there it’s always my choice if we escalate. Sunday night she was more wet than I’ve ever seen her. One thing that I’m consciously working on is making it safe for her to watch the fun. Encouraging her to make eye contact and watching immerses her into the experience. She has found some things she likes now. I made her watch me make a huge pussy juice string from the tip of my dick to her pussy the other night, I thought she was going to explode. It was fucking impressive.
Anyways – it’s fun now.
I got some serious shit tests for about 2 days this week, but I handled it and she was back nearly into my frame by end of the weekend. She is having a hard time being a stepmother due to my years of BP bullshit. She threatens to leave with nuclear shit tests usually once a week but we both know she’s not going anywhere. Perhaps she will be satisfied with knowing I’m not going to be rattled and they quiet down. I am doing my best to OYS with being a good father in this space.
I need to create more drama in my relationship so she gets feelz. Time to pull out the pranks list again.
We had a trip planned next week for a mini-vaca (just the two of us) that she said she didn’t want to go on in a shit test. I hadn’t said anything about it. Since then she covertly is trying to figure out if I want to go with her. She asked me yesterday if I was going and my response was basically – do you want me to go? She said yes. I said then you need to be on better behavior. She said OK.
I’m considering joining a Muay Thai or BJJ class to check it out. With the plan to shift to my home gym in 3 weeks and coaching sports ending two weeks ago, I’ll have more nights free to do different shit. Plus, dread. Gym dread is long gone so it needs to be replaced with more interesting shit that I want to do. There is also a blacksmithing studio nearby that does classes and that might be interesting too. I’ve always wanted to learn how to do metalworking.
I had both kids this weekend alone. I gave my son a large project - clean his room. My son cleaned his entire room this weekend all by himself. We went to the hardware store and got supplies to organize his room, he built them (wtf?) all by himself – hung shit on the walls, every surface was clean. I was so proud of him for sticking to a large project. I would offer help but he would want to do it so I let him. When wife got back home Sunday he was excited to show off all his hard work, but he did so in a “Yeah, that happened” matter of fact way. He wasn’t seeking much approval, which I see now as a reflection of me. Good job, son.
What I’m working on the next two weeks:
[deleted] 6y ago
I grew up doing blacksmithing, it's fucking awesome. I actually might do some this weekend.
Also, Def try out BJJ.
HornsOfApathy 6y ago
I see alot of value in doing BJJ - but honestly I workout 4 days a week and right now I would rather have fun learning a new hobby instead of adding more physical activity right now.
Love lifting, but I need something different and fun.
[deleted] 6y ago
Don't be a pussy. I lift and fight people regularly and am super sore and fucked up. I also teach at 6:30am and people try to kill me for ego purposes. Drink pain for breakfast, lunch and dinner. BJJ makes you mentally and physically bulletproof. It's more important than anything I have done in my life. This is just a personal anecdote, you do you brother.
HornsOfApathy 6y ago
It's not about being a pussy or not, I'd love to do it. It's a question of time and how I want to spend it.
BostonBrakeJob 6y ago
To you and u/LongRoad_518
It's probably more comfort seeking than frame grabbing or ASD. Just checking that you still luvs her. Read up on sub drop.
HornsOfApathy 6y ago
Whoah. Yeah. Probably majority this.
I could do more by leading better aftercare.
Thanks for this.
Edit: /u/hack3ge/ has similar experiences - tagging you.
hack3ge 6y ago
Thanks - for the tag.
Yeah I've been trying to deal with this for a while as every time I pushed boundaries she would retreat and get almost depressed and I could not figure that shit out. It has been getting worse and worse too - like the sadness would get deeper but last less time. I thought my comfort was good but I always was light on it because I was afraid of sliding back into being a little bitch.
It's weird because last night she told me she just wanted to snuggle which she never has and she said it was because she was sad but didn't know why. Its probably related because we got pretty rough the other night and I had deep throated her for the first time ever and she was gagging hard.
Let me know if you find any good posts on sub drop - I'm going to look too.
[deleted] 6y ago
I'd like to know what this is as well. In the act she fucking loves it. Then she randomly throws in "when we have sex I'm like a prostitute and you slap me, pull my hair, and hurt me. I'm not like that".
HornsOfApathy 6y ago
Would love for other vets to chime in on this shit-testing ASD (maybe?) as well dude.
My thoughts are it's just another attempt at a frame grab. She can say she doesn't like it, but hours before she did, or hours later she does.
hack3ge 6y ago
I get the same thing - in the act she loves all kinds of stuff - being pinned down , spanked, anal, hair pulling, choking, etc. but when it gets brought up outside and shes not immersed she says she hates it. I've thought that maybe its her having issues with congruency of the image of herself vs. what actions shes enjoying - there's . Also, my wife never rode the CC and had a shitty trainer for the majority of her sexual experiences - not sure if your wives are similar but that has been my take on it.
[deleted] 6y ago
Considering we're the only sexual partners each other's have had, that's definitely a major part of it. Good point on the congruence - "she's a good, strong woman who likes being submissive". This may break her brain and when she's feeling shitty = being taken advantage / used / abused / whatever when she thinks back on the memory.
HornsOfApathy 6y ago
My wife's CC days were in high school (15-18) and early college (19-22), she stopped riding it around 22 or so and was in steady relationships until we met when she was 27. Her N count is higher than I like, but she never has opened up to a sexual partner until me. First orgasm, first anal, first true submission.
I know I am pushing boundaries both physical and emotional with her she has never experienced before. So in that context - it's entirely possible she's having problems being congruent - which is ASD by definition.
[deleted] 6y ago
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HornsOfApathy 6y ago
Ok. I'd like to expand on this thought.
Let's consider that aftercare is done well. I clean her up a little, put her into one of my tshirts and we cuddle in bed. Maybe she resists, but I say "let's do this for us. That was amazing." Ok, gotcha.
But when you say it's a question - and I'm attempting to not go full retard here - you don't mean a covert question she expects an answer to in the moment of that comfort test (ASD) do you?
Maybe I'm going full autist but you imply that the answer should be delivered well before the question is raised.
her: You treat me like a slut.
me: Babe, it was a wild time last night I'll give you that. I'm glad we got time to wind down after. Let me know in the future if something doesn't feel right between us then and there.
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Like that?
[deleted] 6y ago
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hack3ge 6y ago
Fuck you - I've been trying to distill this problem down for a while and you drop some jack10 level analysis on it.
Thanks for this - that reframe of the narrative from "you" to "we" is exactly what I was missing.
Its the same shit I do at work when trying to build a vision and get people on board - I should have caught that before.
[deleted] 6y ago
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[deleted] 6y ago
OYS Week 34
Stats:
Age: 36; Heights: 74 in; Weight: 194 (-3); BF: 16% (navy method); Wife: 38, (together 17, married 13); Children: 2 kids – 5 and 10
Readings: WISNIFG, NMMNG (x2), Rational Male, Book of Pook, MMSLP (x2), MAP, Meditations, Way of the Superior Man, Sex God Method x2, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Models, Ironwood Alpha Moves, Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Bang, Day Bang, Saving a Low Sex Marriage, Re-read Saving a Low Sex Marriage
I need to re-read Book of Pook, MMSLP sections on comfort.
Physical / Health
Lifts Estimated 1RM (easier for me to track): BR: 200, BP: 195, DL: 315, OP:125, SQ: 250
Continue to not lose strength despite cut. Increased AMRAP by 1-2 reps for each lift except squats.
The only health issue I have is lack of sleep. It’s not just from this past week where there’s been difficulty in the relationship or after starting the EC stack. The last few months have been restless. There is nothing consciously on my mind that I can recognize. Fall asleep around 10:30-11:00. Wide awake around 2AM for a good 1-2 hours. Then continue to wake up. Sleeping pills do not help (falling asleep isn’t the issue). Doctor says there’s nothing that really will keep you asleep through the night. Anyone have this issue?
Career
Week went well. Change in direction consensus built. Adds more work in the short-term but best course of action. Work dinner last week. All 3 women sat around me despite open seats elsewhere which was interesting.
Relationship
Well I fucked up and missed a huge comfort test. I do not think there have been any real (major) comfort tests until recently and I continue to read them as shit tests because she’s bitchy. I've read the shitty comfort test post several times yet still am autistic here.
Goals for last week
1.Work will be challenging in a good way – build a consensus of at least 2 VPs for switch in direction of project3.Keep the calorie cycling and EC stack goingSign-up for an introduction to handgun self-defense class: Partial fail: Not fully, slots were full for current schedule. Completed waivers as needed for when there is an opening
Goals for this week
Provide genuine comfort
Re-read Book of Pook
Re-read MMSLP comfort sections
Try to show empathy to how my wife is feeling w/o getting sucked into her emotions
man_in_the_world 6y ago
Try short but frequent conversation about things with emotional meaning to her, Mr. Spock.
The old beta you was better at this, right? Channel the old you on topics and conversational flow, without the beta supplication, fix-her-feelings, and covert contracts.
hack3ge 6y ago
This made me laugh so fucking hard - shes a woman with a pussy and she thinks she needs to pay to have sex? That is some funny shit right there - I hope you laughed in her face.
[deleted] 6y ago
I did laugh. It was very funny. Then she got madder for me laughing... that was right before I fucked up the shitty comfort test with my AA/AM answer.
hack3ge 6y ago
Definitely sounds like a shitty comfort test - I really hate those. I legit nearly imploded my marriage 4 months ago failing them continuously. I hadn’t seen an inkling of a comfort test for like 10 months so didn’t even know what I was looking for.
[deleted] 6y ago
[deleted]
[deleted] 6y ago
Good point on the calorie deficit. I've been running that for awhile (just a lot more so the past 2 weeks). I killed all sleeping pills and sleep aids a week ago, that I think is actually helping a bit now.
I like her when she's at her best. I try to judge her on that account. I do not want her to kill the puppy. There's easier/quicker ways than that. I legit care for her, but I think she definitely has some narcissistic tendencies (more-so than AWALT) that she can't ever conceive of her being at fault. This has been pointed out to me by her ex-friends, my family, her family. So there is that red flag, but I don't see this very often... well I didn't until her I started improving myself.
No, I think I'm just retarded. I was so focused on HER HER HER for years and years that I stopped... completely. The pendulum swung completely the other way (aka Rambo). I didn't see it before, now I do, but focusing on myself I have left her behind and she is frustrated / alone. I think I had to do that for me though or I would have been sucked right back into her frame of what life should look like for me.
What I struggle with is how to give the emotional connection MiTW discussed on my askmrp when she's closed off / falling asleep early / cancelling plans, etc. I try, yes I'm disappointed she does this, but I'm not butthurt or pout or get angry or any of that shit. I'm disappointed at how fucked up I made things all these years causing this struggle in the relationship. I beat myself up on it. I've given up expecting her to do X, Y, or Z.
I also do not know how much is hormonal because like clock-work this happens every time she's PMSing. Likely I haven't given enough comfort during this time. And during ovulation, she's happy because I am providing the alpha / DNGAF / dominance.
[deleted] 6y ago
[deleted]
[deleted] 6y ago
Wow... thanks for the post.
NEUTRAL EMOTION would best describe it. She says robot mode, but it's this exactly based on these two sentences. I'm definitely in the first camp - it's not taking internal effort to maintain composure. I know the difference because you can feel it. Before I would act "cool" but inside be raging and pissed. Now it's just "ok, whatever" inside as well.
"if you haven't internalized it and you tell yourself, "I played it cool," but inside it's actually taking any effort at all to maintain that composure"
"you answer her in the same emotional tone as if she had asked if you could pass the butter."
[deleted] 6y ago
[deleted]
[deleted] 6y ago
This is a nice way of putting it. Thanks. We'll see what this week brings.
sash_northpointe 6y ago
OYS #5
Stats:
Lifting:
Lifting was going well, but was out of town all weekend and my back has been sore the last few days.
Family
Children: 5/5/3
We had a weekend out of town this past weekend. It was a good break but it was too wet and cold outside to do much with the kids.
Reading
Finished: MMSLP, WISNIFG, NMMNG x 2, Rational Male Vol 1 & 2, Models, The Unchained Man - Alpha 2.0
Currently Reading: The Blue Pill Professor's Saving a Low Sex Marriage and listening to the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius.
Physical
This week's diet has gone to shit with being out of town for 3 nights and eating out a lot. I got back on track today.
Weekly basketball practice last night and the first night of coaching. The coaching part went well and should make for a good season.
Career
Main job is going well, nothing new to report.
My side hustle has slowed down now that it's the shoulder season of the tourist season. Tomorrow, I have a meeting for a project that I have been planning. Should it all go through it could be a good earner for my side hustle.
Financial
The budget I set up a couple of weeks ago is going well. I've set up an emergency fund and it at nearly a 1/4 of the way full so far.
Marriage/Relationship
Dread Level 1-2
After breaking a month-long drought in my last OYS, I kept up with the goals I had made about KINO and flirting. I had a busy week and came home on Thursday night. My wife had bought a bottle of wine to celebrate the end of one of her work projects. We were watching Netflix and I used a neg on her about something. Her reply was, 'well, you're not getting laid tonight'. I just laughed and replied, 'well, you'll be the one missing out.' She laughed and we carried on. Not long after, I told her it was time to go to bed. Once in bed, we had some great sex and we both fell asleep. About an hour later, she was waking me up by rubbing on my cock and grabbed my hand to put between her legs. This led to a hard round 2 fucking.
Now I know this might not be too special for most, but this is the first time we've had multiple sessions in 1 night since before we were married, so I'd say over 8 years.
Yesterday started Shark Week and I've been exhausted the last few days, so not that disappointed it's that time of the month.
Personal
Nothing much is new here. Only a few weeks away from a trip away with a few friends that should be good.
Goals
Reading - Finish Saving Low Sex Marriage and keeping putting the info to use.
Lift - squat 120kg by end of June
Lift - bench 110kg by the end of June
Lift - Deadlift 150kg by the end of June
Make more male friends.
Build more dread every day.
Flirt, run game, KINO with wife everyday.
Initiate sex when I actually want it. If turned down, then DGAF, start fresh next day. If repeated like the last 5 weeks, then start to remove time and attention as discussed in Saving a Low Sex Marriage.
hystericalbonding 6y ago
Record and review your squat, deadlift, and row from the side. Be patient with increasing weight on the bar. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
It's a good start. I'd be interested to hear your reflections on anxiety and hypochondriasis in about 6 months.
You're probably going to do well with rebuilding yourself and some passive dread. The focus has been on the kids, but the kids need parents with a healthy relationship. That includes healthy boundaries, time alone, fitness, and girlfriend/boyfriend game. Pats on the back aren't encouraged around here, but you are clearly doing the work.
frozenpond 6y ago
Be careful of letting obstacles provide excuses for slowing down your mission.
This is awesome. Nice work.
sash_northpointe 6y ago
Thanks man and thanks for pointing out the excuses. Gotta get rid of them.
Jupi_ter 6y ago
OYS Month 11
35YO, wife 37YO, 1 kid
5x5: SQ 240, DL 220, BP 120, OHP 110, ROW 120
Height: 6’2’ - weight: 200 pounds
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Goals:
​
Mission:
Complete commitment to my self.
​
General:
I am re-reading Rational Male. It’s as if I am really reading it for the first time. It flows and there is no anger, just a strong deep desire to completely commit to my self, my outcomes, my life.
I have always thought I was a master procrastinator. I have learnt instead that I had no idea how to use objectives, track progress and improve massively as a result. This is the biggest shift in my behaviour since MRP, using objectives effectively.
Bit by bit, I started to let go of the dancing monkey, really come to see what OI means. For me, OI started to happen only when I decided I was ready to have other girls on the side. I was scared shitless at the idea of having plates, and where I was flirting, I saw plates as objects of renewed oneitis, not actual plates that don’t matter. Now it’s starting to feel like a natural thing to do, to have real plates. I plan to game and see what happens.
I’ve also noticed OI replacing some covert contracts that I had around some business relationships. Extremely healthy. Interestingly enough that happened when I started to realise my professional worth.
​
Relationship:
My wife respects me, is caring in her actions. She is not attracted to me, there is no sex. Always seeking comfort, contact, but not open to sex at all. We are on good terms, I am absolutely the captain of my family, she follows my lead in everything, but intimacy is just not there.
My wife hated my guts one year ago, and was physically repulsed by me, so the progress is massive, but it’s not good enough. My wife-game is clumsy, and I have not managed to engage sexually her at all. Physically I’m in better shape than ever but I’m not hawt - will be there in a few months.
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Fears:
Every time I avoid doing something I’ve gotten in the habit of writing out what fear is holding me. I do it for the smallest thing. When I read it out, it’s always so retarded it’s embarrassing. It’s a good process for me. I have a successful business, I sold a successful business before, I had a successful corporate career, I can put together sports teams from scratch, I’ve lived all over the planet. I’m generally someone that on average can get things done, and yet I feel as though I’ve done a fraction of what’s possible because I have been so afraid and misguided.
Questioning my desires, setting objectives and working against them is giving me the freedom to be my own man and achieve what I wish. The fucking is important, but it’s marginal in comparison.
HornsOfApathy 6y ago
Wait, are you going on 9+ months of no sex? No even shitty starfish?
Jupi_ter 6y ago
Occasional starfish, occasionally into it. But really irregular, sometimes few months of no sex.
[deleted] 6y ago
Don't use this as an excuse. Something is wrong here... I feel you're not telling us the full story.
DL, BP, and Row seem low for 11 months of lifting.
Where are you with dread?
Jupi_ter 6y ago
What else can I tell you: We can't have other kids, our first has a condition for which I decided we could not take the risk of a repeat. I don't know if this shifts the attraction. On the fucking performance, it was poor for the last three years, PE. I'm sure that killed the will to fuck. Since I stopped fucking for the sake of mommy's approval the PE has gone.
DL was higher but de-loaded, my form was poor. Nutrition was wrong, I fixed it Jan 2019.
Dread is there, she asks questions abt who I'm seeing, where I'm going, who is that, etc. etc. - By framework, I'm at level 5 but still too available to her.
[deleted] 6y ago
Have you had your testosterone checked at all?
Jupi_ter 6y ago
No, I will. You ask because of PE?
[deleted] 6y ago
Just in general I think it's good to get tested. PE, but I know a lot of issues I had were helped a lot w. testosterone meds.
[deleted] 6y ago
[deleted]
hystericalbonding 6y ago
Anger phase. It's tantalizing to believe that you have special knowledge, but most of TRP is common sense, and people don't feel a need to wear it on their sleeves. Give fewer fucks about what other people are thinking and doing - those things are rarely important, except to inform your approach when you want something from them.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
Well, you have us internet strangers! Seriously, though. Think of it like religion. Could you get along with someone of a different religion? I'm guessing the answer is yes. Maybe they do some things that you don't agree with, but I bet you wouldn't get frustrated over their illogical behavior.
Just pretend everyone around you is an adherent of this wacky new religion called bluepillism. Sure, its practices make no sense, but they seem to like it well enough. Enjoy relating to them in ways that don't violate either of your scriptures.
They're not your responsibility. You are only responsible for yourself. NMMNG and WISNIFG will help get you out of this mindset.
I've stopped giving unsolicited advice to anyone about anything. There's honestly no upside to it besides stroking your ego. If they don't take your advice, you wasted your time and probably annoyed them. If they do take your advice and it doesn't work out, they'll resent you for it. If they do take your advice and it does work out, you won't get any benefit out of it besides feeling good. So what's the point?
egc6 6y ago
I'm 32 and several of my friends respond the same way when I voice an opinion that if RP in nature. It isn't just the newest generation. People wrap their identity into opinions. It makes rational discussion hard because someone sees you disagreeing with them the same as you insulting them at their core. Politics, medicine, science, gender dynamics... it all suffers from it.
You are thinking about it a little skewed. They might not be able to relate to you but you can relate to them. You can understand how certain people draw the conclusions they do and you can even sympathize with it without agreeing with it. I play pool with a friend who has ideas about women I don't agree with, but what does that have to do with playing pool and talking about the things we do agree about? The same goes for friends at the gym, church, school, work.... what ever. Enjoy the common things you both enjoy and brush off the things you don't. I ended up finding guys who shared my ideas doing more masculine things. Primarily the guys I met when kick boxing.
You can't save anyone, and even if you try they often don't listen. Before I was exposed to RP I told two of my friends they shouldn't marry the girls they were dating. They didn't listen to me and they had long unhappy marriages. I could have been wrong and they could have been perfect for each other, but either way people are responsible for their own lives. Don't develop a messiah complex trying to save everyone.
My best friend growing up said and believed the exact same thing. I argued with him and tried to reason with him about how stupid that was. It didn't make a difference. Often what you don't see are the motivations for that and nothing you could ever say would change it. They view suffering for "true love" and "being a man through all situations" as a virtue. They hold it as a core belief and believing anything else would crush how they view themselves. They ahve to come to that realization on their own, often after suffering. Society failed them, not you. My friend eventually realized how stubborn he was being and let go of some of those worse ideas.
Whatev22 6y ago
What’s that expression that ‘eagles don’t flock’? Your biggest hurdle may be the loneliness that comes with walking your own path. You are going to have to learn how to embrace it.
lighthouse143 6y ago
Time to embrace an eagle mentality, good advice
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
I have found that forcing myself to do stuff on my own helps. I.e. lifting, fishing, walking and other solo activities help and I actually look forwards to them and they no longer give me deep anxiety. Solice builds your frame (spell check)
RP_PO 6y ago
OYS #5
MRP Journey \~5 months. Began 1 month after finding and reading MMSLP twice in a week and realizing I was destroying my marriage with blue pill
32 y.o. 5’8” 172 lbs (-10 lbs total from my cut) Currently 10% BFP by Jackson Pollock 3 caliper method, and 13% by Navy method. Married 6, 2 kids (4&2)
Books read: MMSLP, NMMNG, The Rational Male, WISNIFG, Book of Pook, TWOTSM
Currently reading: 12 Rules for Life
Stats:
Squat: 350 1RM
DL: 465 1RM
Bench: 315 1RM
OHP: 185 1RM
Pullups: 28 reps max
Mission:
I am the warrior in any situation, by cultivating an unshakable frame that is inviting to those around me. I am strong for any age. I am a confident and humble man, who knows what he wants, and knows that my goals are good and just. My integrity is unshakable. I am courageous in my work, challenging others to be better simply by being the oak they aspire to be. I am the actual that causes the potential around me to become actual as well. I am a leader in my field, because I am actively learning and implementing and not reactive. I am a leader in my home, because I am active with wisdom and strength and not reactive. My measure of success is my own conscience and judgment. I am the prize.
Physical/Lifting:
My strength has definitely gone down, likely 5-10% of what it was during this cut. I have dragged this cut on for long enough and reached a standstill at 172. Most of the slump is a slip in self discipline and slowly adding more crap back into my diet. I’ll continue my holding pattern for another week and then cut the calories down another notch and push through this slump. Current stat during cut:
-10% Body Fat by Jackson-Pollock 3 caliper method
-13% Body Fat by Navy Method
I don’t think I’m doing these measurements right, but I’m not satisfied by how I look so I’m going to keep cutting and not worry about the validation of seeing 10%.
Got halfway through a nasty leg workout the day before Memorial Day and realized the next day was Memorial Day (when I always do the Murph workout even though I’m not a crossfit cat – YUT)…But the soreness-inducing damage was done. Sacked up the next day and did Murph with the full flak loadout. It was a bitch, but my mindset was on point. Mind over matter, fuckers.
Goal:
-10% body fat (by the measurements I am using) – Have reached this goal, but will push until I am 10% via navy method, or until I’m satisfied. This cut is dragging on, it’s time to ramp it up.
Family:
Have planned some events with the wife for our kids and stayed on top of leadership in the home. Everybody is really towing the line with my discipline, and respect is mostly where I want it. Have been having more solid talks with my oldest son as he is starting to understand and receive wisdom that I pass on. That is one of my favorite things with him: Simply to do activities with him and talk to him about life in a way he understands. Continue to play and do things alone with both of my kids, and be the fun that trickles down to the rest of the family.
Goals:
-Continue to lead the wife in parenting, and take back leadership areas that she has filled due to my beta void.
-Get more one-on-one time with each of my kids. Even taking them away to a separate room for a while.
Relationship
Continue to hear “you’re a jerk/asshole/etc” on the regular, but lately with a more playful tone. Always met with AA/AM. Things are changing, and I think for the better. I’ve been more demanding of her around the house as well. I lead by example, and am the hardest worker in the house, but leadership also requires direction beyond the example set. I am starting to ramp that up. Rocking it on planning a trip for us without kids soon. Taking care of the whole thing, which is new to me.
She has started being more submissive in the bedroom, and less ASD with trying new things. Have tried new positions with less resistance lately. But she has started to shit test recently with this verbage: “It’s my body, and when I say no, that means no”. I get different variations of that pretty regularly now when I pre-initiate/game during the day. I typically give her a “we’ll see if YOUR BODY says no later” or “10 no’s and a yes means yes”.
Relationship goals:
-Initiate even if failure is almost guaranteed – Simply initiate when I want to.
-GAME all day
-Build my own frame that’s inviting to her
-Provide my own validation
-Work on light push/pull
Career:
Have really gained the confidence of my superiors and am getting more free reign with tasks and managing others. I use it as validation, but most of my validation is internal for doing my job well.
Goals:
-Become a leader in my new position
-Become the guy people go to for guidance and advice
Finance
Have taken over more of the budget, and set us up with the Every Dollar app. We have used envelopes to reign in our finances for years, but the envelopes are getting annoying and it’s time to move to something easier. I took the lead on setting the app up and setting up a “meeting” with her to go over everything. Also researched our options for health insurance and set us up with what works best for the family. Shit I should be doing anyhow.
Have said no to a lot of shit she’s asked for recently that just isn’t in the budget. Very little pushback on that recently, and I notice that I get asked permission for everything now, no matter how small.
MightBeNiceGuy 6y ago
5th OWS -- 12 weeks -- "ups and downs"
Stats -- Me: 38 5'8" 146lbs BF 18% Wife: 37 Married 10, together 12, Kids 6 and 3. Still weak AF but slowly getting stronger
I've missed a few weeks of OWS mainly because by the time Tuesday morning comes around, I'm too slammed with business related things to sit down and write. I'll keep this one short because I'm short on time again today. Next week I plan to pre-write my OWS on Sunday or Monday so it's ready to post in the morning.
Reading: Moving slowly through the sidebar. I never was much of a regular reader, so it's hard for me to make regular time for reading. Currently moving between Rational Male and Book of Pook.
Lifting / Fitness: I'm enjoying being more physically active then I have been in more than a decade, although I'm still not lifting "properly" according to MRP standards. I'm taking strength training classes at a crossfit place near me and have been making it there about 2 days a week on average. It's a good workout but not always involving heavy weights. On days that I don't make it to class I'm riding my Peloton at home and doing body-weight exercises. My body weight has been pretty much constant, but definitely seeing more definition when looking in the mirror.
Mission: I'm working extremely hard building my company and juggling everything from sales, marketing, engineering and everything else. I love the life of the entrepreneur and in the last month I've felt great about the direction that we're on. MRP has helped me reduce my need for external validation, reduce anxiety about things I can't control, and has helped me keep my mission in focus. In addition to building a successful company, growing a team, and capturing a huge potential market, my mission on the family side is to provide a fantastic life and example for my young kids, nurture a happy wife, and be the fucking CEO (in work and in life) that gets the respect he demands.
Wife: Still a rollercoaster here. I'm getting better at ignoring her moods and responding to shit tests, but I'm still not good at it yet. I'd be lying if I said that her attitudes and passive-aggressive shit doesn't bother me. It does bother me, but I try not to show it. At home, she's still sleeping in my 3yo's room. This has been going on since the beginning of March now. After the kids' bedtime she locks herself in the room with her iPad and lays there like a lazy fucking couch potato binge-watching stupid Netflix shit.
A couple weeks ago we went on a 3-night business related trip together for a conference (without kids). She is like a totally different woman when away from the kids. I'm not really sure what exactly it is, but I'm coming to realize that she is incapable of being a mom and a wife in the same day. On this trip our dynamic felt totally different. We respected each other like adults, slept in the same bed, zero anxiety or passive-aggressive behavior between us. This leads me to ...
Sex: I had more sex on this 3-night trip than probably the prior 3 years combined. It was really good and well needed. Prior to that trip it had been about 6 weeks since I got any action. Wife will not fuck me at home -- I realized that it's been a year since we've actually had sex in our own bed. Only in hotels when traveling the past year. I used this opportunity to be more aggressive and dominating in bed, and to my surprise it worked. I really enjoyed holding her down while fucking her and she was totally into it. The next morning she "initiated" in her subtle way and we had an hour-long session. During that time she made a comment like "how are you lasting so long? Is it from all the exercise you're doing ... or are you taking medication?" I just laughed and said that I'm not taking any medication and we continued until it was time to get ready and go to our event.
On this trip I saw a glimpse of the respectful and submissive wife that I've been looking for. We came home feeling better about each other, and I had some hope that she would come back to our bedroom after that. I was wrong.
After returning things went back to "normal" with her sleeping in the kids room and shutting me out after 9pm. At first it was no big deal, I'm used to it. I tried to initiate a few times and encourage her to get off her ass and come spend time with me, but shot down. She can't be a mom and a wife in the same day -- that's the reality I'm dealing with now.
Things were going ok (despite the lack of intimacy at home), but then turned upside down a couple days ago after she saw a text message from my MRP coach (it popped up on the Bluetooth in the car). We had been texting earlier that day and I told him about the return to isolation -- the text was something along the lines of "I'm getting frustrated for you". This of course prompted a bunch of questions and accusations from the wife -- a surprise situational shit test that I failed spectacularly. Somehow I was not prepared for this and I DEERed and engaged in her attacks. She's accusing me of being fake and can't trust anything I say, and says that all of the last week was some kind of fake persona. Whatever, none of it makes any logical sense. I fucked up that shit test and got upset that she got upset. Now she's back to ultra-bitch silent treatment mode for the past couple days. Also PMS week this week so I don't expect things to improve any time soon. I just have to ignore and ride this one out.
Conclusion & Next Steps: One step forward, two steps back. I got some action, which was great. Need to be better prepared for surprise shit tests and really internalize OI. Preparing to move up to dread level 3 in a couple weeks.
man_in_the_world 6y ago
I just learned a lot about your wife's frame and what you imagine is inside her head. Too bad that's all I learned about you.
[deleted] 6y ago
[--removed--]
MightBeNiceGuy 6y ago
She didn't really learn anything new about fight club. She was just upset to find out that I had been expressing my dissatisfaction/frustration about her not sleeping in our bedroom to my coach while acting like I'm fine with it around her.
You're right that I had been allowing her to not participate as a wife by constantly lowering my expectations. I need to reverse this. I thought by not giving a fuck she would eventually come back to me, but it's not happening yet.
hack3ge 6y ago
You are being incongruent of course shes going to shit test you. Here is the deal you either legitimately DNGAF if she sleeps in your bedroom or you don't - if you care then own that shit and move on. You seem to have this covert contract that if you pretend you don't give a fuck that you can trick her - what in the holy fuck man that is unattractive and she knows exactly what you are doing.
Are you going to be a nice guy for your whole life and care more about other people's needs than your own? Set a fucking boundary and enforce with your actions. Let me know how that goes for you faggot.
MightBeNiceGuy 6y ago
You are right. it is totally incongruent. I do care a lot if she sleeps in the same bed with me. I think it's a basic minimum expectation of a wife and I've told her this. She's been doing this to exert her power over me. It's not that I'm trying to "trick" her. I'm trying to simply be unaffected by her BS with the goal of ultimately nullifying her passive aggressive behavior.
At the beginning when she moved out of the bedroom and I started on MRP, I didn't have nearly the frame to set a boundary, so I just had to accept it. Didn't think it would drag on for 3+ months. My frame is still not what it needs to be. How do you suggest I go about enforcing this expectation now?
hack3ge 6y ago
If it was me I'd just go unplug the internet and then when she comes out and laughs say it looks like an easy fix just need to insert something into the hole then pick her up and carry her to the bedroom and fuck her - but the problem is this:
DYEL?
The real issue is you still give far too many fucks about everything, you are scared of her emotions and have no frame.
I just noticed you are only a few months in so perhaps just keep your head down STFU, lift and read - think about what it is you really want and what you are willing to do to get it.
laboringtheseus 6y ago
OYS - 03
Stats
Focus This Week
My focus this week was applying the great feedback I got on my last OYS.
First I reconnected with with what I want. Whenever I did something, I tried to ask myself:
Secondly I tried to stay away from DEERing. To my shock I discovered that DEERing is my default way of talking. I've been rereading Talking With Women - Always DARE, Never DEER daily.
Lastly I tried to be energetic, upbeat, and optimistic in all situations. It's easy to always be in constant doing mode, and forgetting about what you want out of life. I do like to have fun, and enjoy things, rather than being stressed, gloomy, and brooding.
Financial Life
Not such a great week on the work front. The client project I'm working on bores me to death, which means I wasted more time on it than necessary.
I made some progress on the course I want to publish, but wasn't in the zone enough.
Get some of the money the government owed me back. This is good, because it alleviates some of the immediate cash flow issues. Did not get to the budget, so that's a must do for this week.
​
Goals
Woman Life
Overall a more positive week than last week. I'm not going to kid myself with thinking this has to do with anything I did.
The lady was softer, and desiring me to be close to her. We had some nice moments, that make us more of a couple than just cohabiting people taking care of a child.
Lots of shit tests about how we don't do this and that as a couple anymore which I either ignored, or turned around on her.
Still there were more than a couple of moments where she slid back into being a nasty bitch.
I was hungry one night, and decided to cook a stir fry with some left over vegetables. Now I'm not the greatest cook, but I still have enough skill for this kind of dish. I just don't give a shit about doing everything to perfection, which irks the lady.
So I started chopping these vegetables, and she comes close to me, looks at my work, and asks "What are you doing?". Now obviously that is a stupid question, looking for trouble, and I was not interested in getting into a fight. Now I couldn't just say nothing and go do something else, because I was really hungry.
What I did was look at her with the facial expression of a young kid that just got a Christmas present. I put as much enthusiasm in my voice as possible, and proclaimed "I'm cooking!" while exaggerating the chopping motion in a comical way. She gave me a look that was at the same time confused and exasperated, rolled her eyes, and that was that. She later complimented me on my cooking, go figure.
I've used this tactic a few times over the week, just deflecting her attempts at looking for trouble with something exaggerated that I found funny. She often did not find it funny, but this helps me to be in a good mood. Plus it's kind of a "stupid question, stupid answer" strategy.
I've also started to rebuke her sternly when she was being stupid on purpose. She was putting some stuff away in the basement, and I came down with the trash. Since we were both there, I told her about how I wanted to rearrange the basement to make more room for stuff.
So I said "Then we're going to put these boxes into the corner", clearly indicating which corner with my head. The lady for some reason wasn't interested in discussing the matter, so she replied with "The corner? Which corner? You know a room has four of those".
I immediately snapped back at her with: "Look, I'm explaining to you what I'll do with the basement. I don't need your snotty attitude, so stop it." You could tell that she was surprised and overwhelmed. She immediately was much nicer, agreeing to everything so that she could exit the situation.
While I didn't like the fact that I lost control, I enjoyed the fact that she was so surprised by getting rebuked. I made a note to do this whenever the lady treats me shittier than she would treat a stranger.
Overall though it was a waste of energy. I should just have moved the stuff where I wanted without telling her, and then ignored any bickering the lady might have expressed. Still a good learning experience.
Goals
Family Life
Surprised my father with a birthday gift, a power tool he wanted for a while. But he's frugal, so when a tool doesn't offer a real return on investment, he won't buy it.
Buying gifts is an exception in my family. So it was a real surprise for my father, and he called me to thank me.
I was surprised how much I enjoy buying gifts if I'm not required too. I would have bought the gift even without my father thanking me, because I know it will make his life easier, and that's enough for me.
Goals
Set up a family dinner, it's been a while since we were all together.
Physical Life
Did the two cardio sessions as planned, but ended up only lifting twice. In general I was not feeling good this week. Not enough good sleep was certainly part of that.
I need to be more careful with managing my energy, since my work is all about output, and not about the hours I put in. When it gets difficult, I still default back to just working longer hours, instead of doing bursts of focussed work with rest in between.
Goals
Social Life
Caught up with a friend that lives abroad, and went to a barbecue of a school friend. For both of these activities, the family was present, but for most of the time it was just the guys hanging out and the ladies doing their thing separately.
While both of these events were not good for my waistline, as lots of beer and barbecue was consumed, I was able to just relax and have a good time.
Recreational Life
Not much time for recreating, but downloaded a new book that I really enjoy, Kushner, Inc. Reading books relaxes me, so I need to make time for it.
Goals
Spend some time daily reading and relaxing.
Spiritual Life
Wasn't consistent with the journaling, did it more in an ad hoc fashion, even on my phone. But even just did showed me the value of it, so it's definitely a habit I want to strengthen.
Didn't do much reading about Stoicism, as this takes mental energy I didn't have. But this is something that I do enjoy, so I need to make time for it.
Goals
donmcde 6y ago
OYS #12
29, 5’7, 150lb, no kids, married 1 year, together 2
LIFTS:
Bench: 190x10 Deadlift: 225x6 Squat: 195x5 OHP: 115
MISSION
READING
NMMNG, WISNIFG, Models, MMSLP, Book of Pook, Rational Male, SGM, MAP, WOTSM (90% done), Extreme Ownership (20% done)
WOTSM was tough for me to get through, but it had a few good nuggets in there. Like most self-improvement books, it could’ve been 1/3rd of the length.
CAREER & FINANCE
I got my backpay this week. All the CC debt that is left is $1200 and it’s at 0% interest until March of next year. I started asking her for receipt to better track things and I’m glad I did. We were spending way more in groceries than I thought we used. Even though, it’s only been 4 days into the month, I’m realizing she would buy shit that wasn’t groceries and the whole thing would get lumped in as groceries. Household goods is looking like the things we spend more on than we thought.
My pay also got fixed finally. It took just short of a year (like 6 days short). I was getting overpaid just shy of $800/mo for an entire year. I was setting it aside and I’m happy it’s finally getting corrected so I can pay the AF and get that off my books.
RELATIONSHIP & SEX:
Got a shit test on Sunday that I’m not entirely sure I passed. We live in Georgia and our families are about nine hours in Florida. We bought a house back in March and she wanted to have a housewarming. I was vehemently against the idea because both of our families are poor and I didn’t want to impose the cost of travel and lodging for a party that lasts a few hours (I had to pay for lodging for them to attend my Commissioning Ceremony for the Air Force). She resisted at first, then agreed. It was settled or so I thought.
Her birthday is next month and her sisters (2), and her best friend are coming up to visit/celebrate. We were driving to Costco and she told me she found out that her best friend would also be bringing her husband. That flipped a switch in her head because since we’re having 4 people over, we might as well invite everybody and have that housewarming party she always wanted. She even listed a cousin that lived in GA that I’ve not heard her say a single good thing about. I said no of course. She does this thing where she winds herself off and just feeds on her emotions in a feedback loop. By the end of a train of thought, she’s emotional and near tears and decrees that the housewarming is happening with or without me and blah blah blah. We’ve already had this conversation and I was not about to waste my breath on it. I let her monologue for the rest of the drive and once we get there and park, she’s back to normal like it never happened. I was over this trip and everything about it. I was giving one word answers and wanted to just shop and go. She asked if I was okay and where I was mad at her. I said I was fine and I wasn’t (which was true). I was just over this shopping trip and wanted to go home to do something else. I don’t regret not DEERing about how we already decided because that’s just what she was feeling in the moment.
Fast forward to yesterday, she comes home from school (career change in progress) and comes into my office with her dinner and hanging around like a love starved puppy (instead of watching tv downstairs like she usually does). I wasn’t paying her any mind and wasn’t really paying attention to her while she was talking because I was reading something. She asked if I wanted to be alone. I told her she could hang out, but we wouldn’t be having a conversation because I’m reading. I finish reading and went to bed. She was in bed shortly after and engaged in her own way (she’s been wanting Sex since the day prior, but I was tired and went to sleep early). I was dicking her down pretty good practicing breathing like I read in TRM. She was cuming over and over. She said she loved me. Not that out of the ordinary. Shortly later, she held my face and whispered “You can hurt me if you want.” I wasn’t even talking dirty so that caught me off guard. I wasn’t sure what to do with it.
PHYSICAL:
I was supposed to have my PT test today (military). Normally, it’s a big thing to not make it, but when the Commander sends an email saying to please excuse you from testing because you have something more important to do, you get a pass. It’s more time to prepare, but also more time away from lifting. I can’t wait to be done with this next Tuesday (hopefully for real this time) so I can go back to lifting.
SOCIAL:
I’m getting more sociable day by day. I went to a subordinate’s graduation last weekend. I can definitely tell I was more loose and outgoing. I didn’t go out drinking with them afterwards though because it was a 5-hour drive to get there and I was tired and wanted to sleep – or so I told myself.
I installed Tinder while I was there (was only for one night) and tried to find someone to fuck. That signals that I’m over the mental barrier I once had of never cheating no matter what. I realized that was the lowest effort and rejection-softening way to do it. I need to read up on game so I’m not such a lazy faggot about it.
GOING FORWARD:
SoggyTrain 6y ago
What is TRM?BostonBrakeJob 6y ago
What's the real reason for not wanting this housewarming party? "Not wanting to impose burden of travel..." ....what a Nice Guy you are. But it smells like horseshit.
And don't kid yourself. You were butthurt on the shopping trip. You did good not to engage, but you were butthurt. Face it and own it, don't deny it. To us or yourself.
donmcde 6y ago
The "real" reason is I don't give a shit about celebration. I bought my house for me and don't really see the point of throwing a party for people to come see it. Much less when I know the financial situation of those people.
I also, just, don't get it. I don't now why I should even want to have one.
I don't see me denying it anywhere. I was annoyed at myself for going with her and not staying home to do something else.
BostonBrakeJob 6y ago
You don't have to want to have one. It could be leveraged. But if ya don't want to, ya don't have to.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
OYS #18
Previous OYS | First OYS
Overview
Me: 33, 5'8", 220.6 lb, 31.2% BF. Wife: 34. Kids: 4M, 2F, 3rd due August. Married 7 years, together 11.
Lifts (SL5x5): SQ 225 BP 135 ROW 140 OHP 90 DL 245.
Readings: NMMNG (x2), WINSIFG, The Game, Pook, TRM, TRP Sidebar, MAP, The Mystery Method, Bang, Day Bang, MMSLP, TWOTSM, SGM, 48 Laws of Power.
Body
Lifting
I lifted two times this week because I felt like crap the first few days of keto. My wife's resistance has finally evaporated. She still makes a bitchy remark now and again, but I ignore them.
I am now positive that my form needs improvement. I got a shooting pain in my left forearm midway through my barbell row sets and had to stop. I did some research online and it seems I have been cheating by lifting my back too far above horizontal. I should be lifting almost entirely with my back, whereas I was using mostly forearm. I will be watching videos on form this week for all five SL5x5 lifts and correcting my flaws.
Diet
The keto diet I started last week was a complete success. While I realize that this week's massive 7 lb weight loss is almost all water lost from entering ketosis, it's motivating as hell. I have identified two reasons why this approach is working where multiple attempts at stright up calorie counting did not.
First, I don't get hungry on this diet. I've learned that is one of the main advantages of a low-carb diet: carbs are just not satiating compared to fat and protein. I am a weak little bitch when it comes to hunger, and the hunger I felt from even a mild calorie deficit on a high-carb diet was enough to encourage cheating.
Second, I switched from MFP to Cronometer. The difference is like night and day as far as data quality. I would spend way too long trying to find accurate food entries because most of the user-entered data in MFP is complete shit. Since logging was such a chore, I just didn't do it most of the time. With Cronometer the data is all extremely accurate, and allows tracking all my micronutrients too. I actually look forward to logging and looking at my daily nutrient report.
I bought a multivitamin, magnesium citrate, and lite salt (sodium/potassium) to supplement my micronutrients and ward off keto flu. It's working so far, so fingers crossed I'll avoid the worst. Lifting has been noticeably more difficult this week, but I assume that will improve once I am fully fat-adapted.
My wife is still really onboard with my keto diet. While she's not dieting herself (being pregnant and all), she doesn't like starches much so she just stopped cooking them for the two of us. I am confident this is something I can do long-term.
Mind
Reading
Finally done with 48 Laws of Power and started with my second (closer) reading of WISNIFG.
The assertive bill of rights is really important for me to remember; it contains rewordings of several MRP truths. Be my own judge. Stop caring what others think. Don't try to solve others' problems. Don't DEER.
Frame
I'm not as tired as last week but still not 100%. I took many of the suggestions from last week into account and it did help. I'm hoping that losing weight will finish it off. I have noticed that I am not nearly as tired when I'm out than when I am at home; I wonder if it's partially psychological? Could just being home be exhausting?
Relationships
Wife
This were relatively calm but frosty for most of this week. I know it will take time for the 1000 foot rope to tighten.
I was using my phone a lot on Sunday evening and it pissed her off. I was mostly logging food or reading about keto. Last night she started shit testing me again about my priorities and how I should take some time to figure out what I really wanted. She said she wants to spend more quality time together. I used fogging and negative inquiry and eventually ended the conversation as it was getting late. We didn't come to any solid conclusions.
She was saying things like she doesn't feel we have a connection (my interpretation: I'm not giving her feelz) and this marriage is not my top priority (my interpretation: the plowhorse is refusing to plow).
How can I shorten these kind of conversations? She can talk for hours about the same things over and over. It's a complete waste of time. I understand that I am thinking about it from a male perspective (direct communication) and she is coming at it from a female perspective (indirect communication), but still. Would walking away when I feel we've both said what needs to be said help or hurt things?
Children
I'm enjoying playing more actively and creatively with the kids. This week, I was a pirate captain, a robot, etc. We're using the pool every weekend which is awesome too. My son loves swimming a lot and so I'm getting good exercise keeping up with him.
Friends
Nothing to report here. I'm holding off on dread level 3 until after the baby is born.
Career / Finances
My team will be getting a new member in September, bringing it to five people under me. I have a new respect for management; I always thought they just sat on their asses and cashed their paychecks. Now I know better - it's a lot of unappreciated work! I only get maybe two hours a day to work on my own tasks, which is frustrating. Hopefully the administrative workload decreases as the team matures.
Goals
man_in_the_world 6y ago
Escalate sexually.
Establishing an “Emotional Connection” With a Woman
beta_buxxx 6y ago
I tried using kino several times with a mind to escalate but she jerked away and told me not to touch her each time. She is not receptive to my touch most of the time outside of bedtime, except for the morning after I fuck her really well. But especially when she's pissed about something, it's like touching a rabid dog the way she snaps at me. It doesn't stop me from resetting and trying every day but damn it's annoying.
That post is good by the way, I can't believe I've never read it!
man_in_the_world 6y ago
Wasn't the goal to stop or divert the conversation? Sounds like it works!
So here we were having a nice discussion about managing conversations, and you just had to turn it into a discussion about sex. Is sex all you ever think about?
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
Yes.... Also you have great tits!
beta_buxxx 6y ago
I tried it last night and got the exact response you said; "I'm just a blow up doll to you!" This didn't shorten the conversation, and the shit testing is still ongoing. I think the mere fact that I'm willing to entertain hours of this shit is itself a shit test.
Cloudy_Pirate 6y ago
Women talk. Men do. Pull her into your physical world. Sex is obviously the preferred option, but chores work too. She can talk and you can "listen" while you do something productive together.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
Yup, I figured that one out last night. After a while of listening I was getting hungry so I told her, "I'm going to start dinner, you're welcome to continue the conversation while I do." She bitched about how I was telling her versus asking her, so I humored her by somewhat sarcastically asking, "OK, would you like to continue this conversation while we make dinner?"
This morning I got a text from her that she was looking at flights to take her and the kids back to our home state for a while. So the shit testing is still amplifying. I find I am still hesitant to use AA/AM because they can make the situation worse in the short-term. I need to get over it.
IOwnMyShit 6y ago
OYS #1
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Stats: 5'9'' - 165lbs - 25 years old, living together with my girlfriend(23yo.) of 4 years, we have a 9 month old daughter together.
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Lifts: Benchpress 115lbs - Squat 132lb - Deadlift 165lbs. All 5 reps max. Realized I'm weak as shit and progressing slowly. Recently started counting calories, and now religiously eating 3200kcal a day, noticed more energy and power in the gym almost immediately. (who would have fucking thought?)
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Style: Buzzed on the sides, medium length hair on top. After trying different hairstyles (military buzz, all around short etc.) this is my go to hairstyle and it looks good. Been growing a beard for a couple of months. weak soul patch area and mustache, just started using minoxidil to sort that out. Basically like this with shorter beard and weaker mustache/soul patch area. Clothes wise I go for slimfit jeans and crew neck sweaters. Next on my list is a couple of nice shoes and a watch, thinking something like Vincero Chrono S.
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My story: After years of heavy drug abuse, and being a leech of the government, I cut contact with all of my friends who are still using. This lead to over a year sitting at home most of the time with bad anxiety and no friends. Managed to get/keep my girlfriend HB7 due to my decent looks and IDGAF attitude. Knocked her up Around new years eve 2017/18. After a while still unemployed got a 50% job at my dad's newly started company (only me and him) which I now am being let go end of July due to no income.
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My mission: For now I'm in the process of finding a new job, continuing making gains in the gym, and become more spiritual. I've been upping my meditation game (20+ minutes every day) daily cold showers. Also reading a book right now on Zen, with old Chinese and Japanese wisdom. Also one of my main goals is finding some male friends. I find it very hard to go places and
chat up peopletalk to people, got pretty bad anxiety in those situations. I know the only way to get rid of that is through exposure.​
Sex life: 2-3 times a week, rejections: once every 50 attempts, no complaints there. Sex is great, even better the more gains I make in the gym. I'm experimenting with semen retention at the moment to see if it gives me any benefits, currently on day 5. So far it gives me A LOT more hunger for sex (getting mad horny a lot through the day, even tempted to chat up random girls on the street. Pretty crazy to be honest!) More aggressive in conversations as well, for better or worse.
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To not make this too long that's the most important things I can think of for now. Feeling good as I'm writing this, and this is definitely a good habit I'm going to continue.
[deleted] 6y ago
[deleted]
IOwnMyShit 6y ago
Was able to stop smoking thankfully, not touched a cigarette in about 8 months. I was really underweight for a long time and due to that my appetite has been quite shit. Just recently gaining more appetite hence more weight rapidly. My goal is to bulk up around 10lbs then try cutting for the first time.
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You're absolutely right btw, this is actually the first book I'll read in over 10 years, quite embarrassing but here I go.. Just saw it at the library and thought it would be cool since it's grounded in meditation. Also ordered NMMNG, WISNIFG, and The Rational male, yesterday.
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Will take inspiration where I can, and starting to read instead of sitting infront of my pc will be a huge step for me to improve.
hack3ge 6y ago
What do you do as a hobby? Most of my social circle came from my hobbies. The other thing is as your kid makes friends their dads can be another source.
IOwnMyShit 6y ago
At the moment I only work out at the gym as an activity outside of work and family. Been challenging myself, and from only saying hello once in a while, I now talk quite a lot with two of the regulars, feeling good about that and it definitely gives a boost.
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Looking into martial arts, want to start Muay Thai, but I need to improve my economic situation. Barely scraping by at the moment, and the places availible nearby are quite costly. You're absolutely right about parents to other kids btw, my daughter is starting kindergarten mid august and I'm looking forward to the social gatherings that come with it!
hack3ge 6y ago
Almost all of my close friends came from BJJ - I highly recommend it as a hobby. The school I go to also teaches MMA, muay thai and wrestling.
Finding solid friends randomly on the street can definitely been a challenge - you can also try gym bros? I recently started hanging out with a guy who is my spotter at the gym and he is pretty chill.
redPillOnHard 6y ago
Life Goal - Kick life in the ass. Be my own judge.
I kicked life in the ass this week. Traveling for a boys trip, then a work conference. It is strange to be away from my family, so much of my identity is wrapped up in them, and I lived in my wife's frame for so long. The oddness of traveling is probably due to the fact that I still live in my wife's frame to some extent. I need to kill the last of that.
Had a lot of fun, and kicking ass at my conference.
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Health - Goal: 10% BF. Black Belt in BJJ. Live pain free.
Ht: 6'4" Wt: 235 BF: 14%
I've been eating really healthy on this trip. My buddies who I haven't seen in years, can't believe how good I look. Just about everyone asked me what I'm doing. They knew me when I was 50 pounds heavier. Now most of them are 50 pounds heavier.
I got some blood work back. My analysis is that things are looking good. I have a dr. appt set up to review with him next week.
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Finances -Goal: Year salary in relatively liquid cash and investments along with retirement accounts and option to retire by 55.
Goals:
Finances are good. I've got a couple irons in the fire, cleaning up company books, and getting a valuation done, so I can analyze better a switch from C corp to S Corp. S Corp is better, but there could be bad tax consequences if I sell the company in the next 5 years.
On the home front, I need to get ahead of planning a remodel. I've asked my wife to take the lead, hoping she would jump in. She hasn't, but will make comments about how much our house needs it. I need to set some tasks and deadlines for her, so that she actually does something. But in the end, I should probably find the contractor, set the budget, and give my wife day to day tasks with my approval. I just don't know where to find the time for that right now.
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Parenting - Goal: Raise healthy, curious, active kids. Model these qualities for them. Engage in activities with each of them that they are passionate about.
Goals:
I've been out of town for almost a week. I miss my kids a lot. Good news, is my wife is handling single mom life better than ever. In the past, it was a shit show when I left town. Kids were late, I'd get calls from someone upset. I think the difference now, is that I own my shit so much when I'm home, and when my wife travels, she knows she needs to own her shit cause I make it look easy. In the past, we had a co dependent passive aggressive dynamic. Complete 180. I am focused on what I'm doing and she and the kids are doing great without me.
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Frame - Goal: To not measure myself by others opinions.
Goals:
Easy when I'm traveling by myself. My group of friends are all very successful, ex college athletes, and mostly alpha males. It was good hanging with them, and remembering who I was before wife and kids. I'm actually more successful and in a better place than most these guys who were/are studs. I need to view myself in this light day to day.
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Sex - Goal: Active and fun sex life. Initiate whenever I feel like it no butt hurt over rejection.
Goal:
Had some fun with wife before I left. She texts me the day before I'm leaving as she is getting home. "I need to spend some time with you tonight. " Which is relatively forward for her. We had some fun.
While hanging with my buddies over the weekend, I had a 20 something flirting with me at the bar and giving me serious fuck me eyes. She was pretty cute.
I ran in to an ex girlfriend, who couldn't get over how good I look. 2 minutes after I left her, she was messaging me tell me how great I guy I am and that we should hang out some time.
Going through TSA, cute security lady looks at my passport and says, "damn, you look so different." I said something about my beard, which I didn't have before and she say, "no, im talking about your health lifestyle. you looking good."
Writing that shit out, I can tell I'm still looking for validation and happy when I get it. But I do need these interactions to internalize abundance.
hack3ge 6y ago
Enjoy it and get it out of your system - at some point you get it so often it doesn't validate you but becomes an invitation to flirt and fuck with them.
This weekend I was out at a BBQ rocking some new clothes that I bought and it was IOIs galore. I saw a group of women staring so I just walked over and told them I'm not a piece of meat - they laughed and said they were talking about how I was the only guy they knew that could pull off tight white pants and still look hot.
Another woman was telling a story to her husband about how I fast for 24 hours but said that I am jacked and all muscle and not skinny like him and then realized what she had said - husband started mate guarding and my wife came over and was all over me.
It was definitely jarring at first as I was the bluest of blue for all of my life - use it to build abundance and move on to more important things like your mission.
redPillOnHard 6y ago
Thanks for the input. It is fun, especially when wife is there. I give her a ton of shit about it.
WeightsNCheatDates 6y ago
OYS 13
Background: age 29, married 1.25 years, together 3. Wife 32. Stepson 9 (dad not in picture). Discovered RP July 18. Only actually dove in about Oct. 18. NMMNG, WISNIFG, MAP, currently reading MMSLP and went through all side bar posts.
Physical: 6’1, 186 down 13 since February. Squat 285 Bench 265 DL 375. These numbers have stalled as I’ve been working on my squat technique. Dead’s have been feeling better as I’ve been Sticking with the program, including lots of warmup and mobility. Been killing my workouts doing CrossFit WODs after my heavy lifting.
What I need help with: comfort tests! The shit tests have done down as I’ve refocused the last month and stopped settling for the progress I’ve made. Sex has gone up a lot in the past 3 weeks. Possibly more than we ever had, even when dating. She tells me she’s horny a lot and back to giving BJs. However this could also be cause I told her I want to put off trying to have a kid until we can get our shit together. Back to comfort tests: I am not good at comfort tests. I either just bring her in for a hug or say “you know I love you” etc. I need help exploring her emotions and feels more.
Still struggling with if I’m still in love and attracted to her.
Whatev22 6y ago
OYS 6/4/19
Married 28 years to a SAHM, 4 adult kids, two in house. Found MRP Oct 2017, whoever leaves breadcrumbs in Deadbedrooms please keep doing so…. It’s a literal lifesaver.
Physical
Age 51, 175 lbs. Bf around 15%. Visible 4 pack when flexing. Lifting 3x/week full body splits. Due to injuries in Jan/Feb (shoulders/lower back) I’m using inverse pyramid with max weight @ 6-10 reps. DL: 265x9 OHP: 75x6 Row: 125x10 BP: 155x7 BS: 235x7. I leave the gym fully pumped.
Diet:
Clean, but... I’m still using nicotine pouches which I’ve used since finding MRP and given up snus. 14/day@2mg.
OYS:
I find myself switching to a golf analogy: when you are new at golf you measure your game by how many ‘good’ shots you have (since there are so many shitty ones). Once you get better at golf you measure your game by where you fuck up (that bad putt on #4, and the botched drive on the 12th).
I still have 1-3 hours a day I could get off my phone and put towards mission. Otherwise I’m fully engaged. On average that’s 8.3% of my day that is ‘wasted’. More importantly that’s 12.5% of my waking hours. Given my golf analogy I’d rate myself as an intermediate.
Marriage:
Wife moved back into the house early April after MIL died. Tough transition as I’d just about got the house the where I found ‘acceptable’. She has been making a more concerted effort to keep clean, so she’s making improvements, but it’ falling below my level. This is an area in which I need to continue to set expectations.
In the last two weeks she’s started coming back into my bed (about half the nights), after having separate beds for >10 years. Over the last two weeks we’ve had sex twice and an unsolicited BJ once. That’s more often than our vacation sex frequency. I pushed the DEV of DEVI, tiny little steps that are nothing to the veterans: ‘tell me you want my cock inside you’ (which she did); ‘look me in the eyes’, etc. during the BJ she came up and kissed me and whispered to me, asking if I like the taste of my cock on her mouth… She NEVER talks like that! I’ve got to re-read SGM ASAP. It was theoretical when I read it last year.
It is so much easier to be outcome indifferent and DNGAF when your SO doesn’t give you anything… the time she was away while her mother was dying was critical for me to get some grounding work done (get over anger, find my passions, develop my MAP). I found myself starting to move back into her frame almost IMMEDIATELY after the recent sex…. WTF? I gave myself a severe talking to and ass kicking.
I’ve found two solid areas to hold my boundary since that; once around my expectations for her financial contributions to the family (I’ve prepared a more Rambo presentation; but, in keeping KISS principles for my oldest teenager in the house I’m attacking this bite-sized). I’ll most likely get feedback I was too passive with my approach, but my approach was, “I need your help with this. This isn’t in our budget and I need you to find a way to get it done.” It’s a significant annual invoice for something that is in her name. Her response, “Well, that totally changes the dynamic of our last hour” (this was about a half hour after the BJ, and the reason I got home early was to talk to her about the bill before the kids got home). She did start brainstorming about how to get it paid, but I’ve seen no follow-up yet.
The second was around a pet my MIL had. The FIL kicked it out of the house and wife brought it home where she hid it in the cellar for a couple nights before telling me. During her tears and telling me how much of an asshole her father is (and me agreeing and letting her vent) she let me know it has been in the house (I was already holding her/giving comfort). I could feel the red start to come up my neck and that sinking feeling of the quandary of “Here I am giving her comfort and this is a clear violation my boundaries…. How do I handle this situation?”. While I was holding her, I clearly said that I understand her need to find a home for the pet, but having it in the house was a clear violation of my boundaries, and that I’d have to do some serious thinking about what this means for us. Lame, I know, but it was all I could say without ripping temper. However, within 24 hours the pet had left the house. This is most likely not over, but I see this as major development for me in areas I’ve been a faggot before.
Since holding my boundaries twice, we haven’t had sex, but we have flirted and I have gamed her lightly daily. The shit tests have ramped up again. One was significant. She threatened separation over me AA and AM around me texting and not telling her who I was texting. I ended up just laughing and laughing, I literally couldn’t stop and was begging her to let it go because I found it so humorous. This just enraged her more.
A couple hours later after we were doing yard-work she came back with a comfort test, where I held her and kissed her head and said I shouldn’t have been so flippant with something that is so important to her, but meaningless to me (but didn’t tell her who I was texting). Her mood went back to positive shortly after that.
Other:
Was at a social event over the weekend. Two women worth gaming. Nice chat with one and I gave her a sly wink at the end and she got flushed and flustered. I exchanged glances with the other younger one who was checking me out all evening. No chance to engage with her.
Started a you tube channel of me doing some fun man-type projects.
Feedback is welcome/ (most likely) appreciated. I typically don’t update OYS unless there seems to be some major development..... It's mostly just a long-slow process with lots of plateaus and occasional breakthroughs.... A lot like life.
Cam_Winston21 6y ago
Kids can be demanding and people who think homes should stay tidy all the time aren't being reasonable, but if a woman is a SAHM and the two children living at home are adults, there are no excuses for the house to be unacceptable almost all the time.
ice_walker 6y ago
OYS #30
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Goals:
- Squat 100 kg
- Get back into training at least 3 times/week
- To make a clean exit (if possible) from my current marriage over the course of one year in a way that does a little harm to the kids as possible
- To set up a living arrangement that works as good as possible for myself, the kids and my TBX.
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New Routines
Have started some new routines:
Every morning directly after getting out of bed, no exceptions:
10 air squats, 10 push-ups, then make the beds.
At breakfast or at bus to work: 5MJ (google: "5 minute Journal") from day before and this day, to help develop a more positive, focused and thankful mindset.
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New routine as of 2019-05-11: Start looking at finances/budget directly after 5MJ for 10 minutes. Look at balance on our accounts and map against budget
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Marriage/Relationship
Have passed a turning point now again, where I actually don't want to be around wife, since i'm not getting what I want from the relationship. Before I was withdrawing more like "RP says withdraw attention, so I do that and hope she will fuck me more", now its more like "She doesn't want or can't provide the kind of closeness and intimacy I want so I'd rather do other things".
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Was very obvious a few weeks back, we had a good weekend, wine and talk on Friday eve, initiated got shot down, Saturday I was gone windsurfing the whole day, initiated again in the evening, got shot down but didn't get butthurt, just went to sleep. Sunday good day with family events, wife suggested in the evening that we could have sex after the kids slept, I said OK. When the time came she was too tired but could imagine "a non-sexual massage", I had anticipated that so I didn't get disappointed but just said "No thanks, that's too frustrating at this point, let's go to bed instead".
This is where something interesting happened, when wife didn't want to just let it go, but started talking, don't remember about what, but the point was that she made me get the hope back up, so she could anyway reject me in the end. Some kind of power move I guess to establish control. Well this actually got to me, didnt show anything but slept bad in the night.
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Exit strategies and narratives
Recently read a book about Narrative, https://www.amazon.com/Tempo-tactics-strategy-narrative-driven-decision-making/dp/0982703007.
I can highly recommend it, it's good even if it's a bit esotheric.
The cool thing with narratives is that several narratives can be true in the sense that they reflect reality, it's just a matter of putting the events on a timeline and describing them from a certain perspective. Thanks /u/man_in_the_world for introducing the concept of narrative, very powerful stuff. So I'm now working on 3 different narratives to use:
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Exit strategy and living arrangment
So I have two kids from a previous marriage and two with wife, she has our two. Our house is just big enough for 6 people. House market and our financial situation makes it hard or impossible to buy a second house while keeping the current one. I've rounded the options down to something like:
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Upsides and downsides:
Pros:
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Cons:
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Cons:
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Cons:
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Pros: -
Cons:
The_Litz 6y ago
Option number 2 sounds like a terrible idea. You are breaking contact with this woman except for the kids logistics.
No sharing of resources. The kids will always wonder whether or not you are really divorced and live in transit and hope.
Personally I like option 1. That is what I will be aiming for when I pull the trigger. Kids still have the familiarity of the home plus you probably paid for it. Keep it.
As for your thought process as to framing why you want a divorce...
Fuck no, you are planning on DEERing your decision to her.
"It's not working out" - You don't owe ANYBODY more than this.
Since you are very religious make your peace with God in the privacy of your prayers. It is nobody's business.
You got this.
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
Ok try this
(The 5+ means do as many as you can. Increase by 5kg once complete and start again until your squatting 100kg. Also use the "strong" app to record and track progress.)
Whilst listening to this
[deleted] 6y ago
[deleted]
frozenpond 6y ago
Excellent questions by u/manoam to be answered I was going to ask where he was in dread as well. Also, where is your SMV in relation to your wifes? Need a little more info.
Have you read saving a low sex marriage? It seems like
is a test. Figuring out how to handle it is key. Unless you don't want to save the marriage and you want to leave? Which would you prefer a good sex life with your wife, or moving on to something else?
Following the steps towards higher levels of dread in SALSM exactly as it's written might pay off if you want your wife to come around.
tap0988534 6y ago
> I'm now working on 3 different narratives to use
I'm pretty new here, but these sound like cases for obligatory sexual compliance, which makes pussies wither and dry.
I think every one here could explain to their wives fantastic logical reasons for exactly why their wife should be banging the shit out of them 24/7.
However, even in the rare case of an obsequious wife, most of us don't see fucking a disinterested bone-dry starfish as the carrot. You are better off fucking a rubber doll than a wife who seethes with loathing as she complies with your
logical blackmailnarrative, asking you to hurry and finish, and please could you use some lube first next time.I'm a good way into the sidebar, and if it can be boiled to it's essence, its that "sexual attraction cannot be negotiated". From your post I can't see your stats, but I do know that I would not be posting about air squats and 10 pushups. That is not even a great workout if you are severely physically handicapped. If I cannot do sets of 40 to 50 pushups by week 30, I will have to seriously reconsider what the hell I'm doing. Maybe you are a body builder that has a great 8-pack, dresses impeccably, smells great, dominates his peers with intelligence and adept social skill, and has pretty girls 10 years younger walk up and give you their phone number, but I am skeptical.
Instead, you're at least 30 weeks in and you're maybe gonna start getting to the gym 3 days a week. If I were you, I would start over with OYS #1 and take the stats and sidebar as the most serious part of your endeavor.
The goal here is to become attractive. Much of this is physical, much of it is mental. But the two go hand in hand. The mental largely works because of the self-assuredness generated by physical hormone changes and IOIs.
I don't think anything is going to get better for you when you divorce.
ice_walker 6y ago
I can see that you are new since you are missing the point. This is not Dancing Monkey Attraction Plan, and these narratives aren't designed to make any pussies wet, they are designed to be narratives that me and TBX can agree on so the divorce is on civil terms, for the sake of the kids. That's their purpose.
The air squats arent there for hypertrophy, the thought behind this is twofold:
- By starting the day with a small amount of physical moment kicks to live all sorts of processes in the body which gives the day a good start
- By immediately doing something useful, such as morning gymnatics and making the beds, means that when you've been out of bed for only 5 minutes you have already accomplished two tasks, albeit small. This will create a positive mindset ("im a person who does shit and accomplish thingh") which will stick for the remainder of the day.
simbarlion 6y ago
this still tells her she has the power
ice_walker 6y ago
Could you elaborate? As I see it as merely stating the fact that I don't want to put myself in that situation.
frozenpond 6y ago
When she asks for a non-sexual massage I would laugh and start giving her a very sexual massage or laugh and go work on something related to my mission while ignoring her and certainly not communicating my frustration.
[deleted] 6y ago
This 100%. Two things will happen. Either it will escalate or she'll tell you to stop. Her view is irrelevant, you'll give the massage how you want to. She can either enjoy it or stop it.
Telling her it's frustrating for you tells her that her vagina hold power over you.
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
Or stfu and lift
simbarlion 6y ago
the fail is in telling her it will be too frustrating.
By saying what you said, you basically undid all of the days 'dread' or 'dngaf' work, by giving away your weakness.
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u/frozenpond's answer is spot on.
ice_walker 6y ago
I was thinking in terms of owning my weakness, showing vulnerable. Being in a monogamous relation is being vulnerable since you leave your needs for sex and intimacy etc to one person. Showing genuine desire, saying "Yes, I want you now", I'm 100% with you that it means opening up and showing vulnerable because you take the risk of rejection.
But yea, I see your point.
simbarlion 6y ago
Ok in that case the issue is with the word frustration. frustration is just 'mildly pissed off'.
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Vulnerable is (stolen from the web) :
Being vulnerable involves letting yourself feel all the things — the good, the bad and the not-so-chill — and then also letting someone else see it all
beta_buxxx 6y ago
I'd like to hear more about why you're thinking of blowing things up. If it's all about sex, which is my best guess from your post, then I'm going to echo the other commenters. Have you followed the timeline of the 12 steps of dread? I somehow doubt it.
Notice that the FMOFY talk is dread level TEN. If you haven't gone through all the levels systematically and turned yourself into a high-value man, then you're just Rambo. Despite what he might think, nobody fucks Rambo.
There are two reasons it's important to follow the timeline:
Reach180 6y ago
Maybe don't blame your parents divorce for your problems.
Children come out of in tact married families fucked up too. I talked to a woman just yesterday who told me about how she feels responsible for her parents miserable marriage, because they stayed together for her and her sisters.
Having problems fucks you up, having no problems and nothing to overcome fucks you up. Being poor fucks you up, being spoiled fucks you up. There's no goldilocks just right. Experience is finite. By having one experience, you are prevented from having others.
People are resilient, or not. /u/ice_walker doesn't owe anything to anyone but himself.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
I spent most of my twenties blaming my psychological issues on my parents' divorce. It really did fuck me up at the time. Would I have had a smoother childhood and young adulthood had they stayed together? Who knows.
My point was not that nobody should ever get divorced because of the children, that's patently absurd. My point was that if there is a decent chance to salvage the situation, he owes it to the kids to try. Divorce is harmful to children.
Reach180 6y ago
Hooray for unreplicable fake science to validate what we already want to believe!
beta_buxxx 6y ago
I'm happy to have my mind changed on this point. In fact, it would probably be better for me personally because "what about the kids?" is absolutely on my mind when I weigh the pros and cons of staying married. Do you have any evidence that divorce is not harmful to children?
Reach180 6y ago
I also don't have evidence that whatever replaces it, in this particular situation, would be better.
My dad is overweight. Not like sloppy tub of goo overweight, just ex football player with a gut overweight. But he was injured, sick, and miserable with his body for as long as I can remember. Even in his early 30s, I remember him always having health issues and injuries related to being overweight.
When I got to that age and started having the same issues he did, I noticed. And I decided that wasn't going to be me. So I learned how to manage my diet, I got in shape, and I have committed to making that a priority in my life. I'm 40 and I feel great all the time - I can do whatever I want, within reason, without being sick, without limping like an old man, and without going to the doctor all the time.
Now, my sister? My sister is overweight and sick and at the doctor all the time. Same parents, same home. Different result. Is growing up with overweight parents harmful to kids? For me, it was a positive. I learned what I didn't want to be. And I learned that I was susceptible to certain things other people don't need to be concerned about. For my sister, she learned bad habits that she hasn't been able to dig herself out of. Or maybe none of it mattered and we just are who we are regardless. You don't know.
And so what's the point here? You don't know what is and isn't going to damage your kids. So it's stupid to build your personal life mission around slaloming your way through what is and isn't "harmful to kids". It's not black and white.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
Correct, none of us can ever know the outcome of roads not taken. We can't predict the future. But we can learn from the collective experiences of others.
Anecdotes, like the one you gave about your father's weight issues, are just studies with a sample size of 1. If I'm going to try to predict the outcome of a particular course of action, I'd rather gather as many experiences as possible in making that prediction.
That collected experience, in the form of peer-reviewed studies, tends to paint a bleak, though certainly not hopeless, picture of the effects of divorce on children. YMMV.
I absolutely agree. Like most parents, I have decided to be responsible for my children's well-being. This is just one of many competing priorities that comprise my mission.
My original point was simply this: Is a child better off with divorced parents than unhappily married parents? Probably. Is a child better off with divorced parents than happily married parents? Probably not.
DeWittorComstock 6y ago
OYS 10
35, 5’9”, 190 lbs, 18% BF, Married 6 years, together 10, just one little one
Current Lifts: B – 170 x 5, S-190 x 5, OH-105 x 5, DL – 225 x 5, BR – 130 x 5
Week in review
Still crazy, still swamped, blah blah blah. I am pretty much done worrying about it. Things are suppose to get better soon, but you know what, I hope they don't. I get lazy when things are easy and I like the sense of fulfillment that is coming out of all this shit. The only real problem is the physical tole from the lack of sleep, but I can fix that soon. What I need to focus on is pushing myself while making time to have fun and do things I enjoy.
Building Habits
I am starting to re-take control and habits are no longer taking a backseat to getting things done. Next up is finishing Atomic Habits and implementing two of the best pieces of advice in the book.
My Health
Diet is on point, food prep is going great (and saving me time and energy during this hectic period) and I am starting to drop weight again. My waist is down almost 3 inches from when I started and my clothes are starting to feel loser. Lifting is back on the menu too and it is glorious. I got a weight belt to make sure I maintain my form while squatting and some gloves to help with dead lifts. I know my lifts are not very heavy yet, but the belt is really helping me focus on my form. As for the gloves, they are also helping with my focus because the bar was digging into my palms enough during my last session that it was distracting me from focusing on form.
My Frame
Its odd, it took me FOREVER to really understand what frame is. I read all about it, reflected on the reading, and tried to apply it, but fuck I must be dense because it is just never really started to click until the past 3 weeks or so. I am not claiming to have magically established any type of frame, but everything that is wrong is becoming crystal clear.
The best way I can describe the change is thinking back to when I first started to spar in Muay Thai. I was scared of getting punched and of hitting my partner too hard. I never really had fun doing it, but I kept it up because it was a regular part of my class. Things changed when I tried boxing with some one who had way more experience than I did and had about 20 lbs on me. He made it clear we were not going to spar hard, but he also said I did not have to worry about hurting him. He proceeded to wale on me for 3 minutes and I got maybe one or two good shots in there before I was gassed. It may sound awful, but it was the best experience I had ever had doing martial arts. After that ass kicking I stopped being afraid of getting hit, I understood my own strength better, and I learned a lot about how to apply the stuff I learned in drills. The following week I went back to him and got my ass kicked again, but that time I did a little better. Then I did it again, and then I kept doing it. I started to love sparing. Once I stopped worrying about getting hit, or worrying about my partner, I was able to relax and have fun.
So what the fuck does this have to do with Frame? Well, I have been getting my ass kicked hard enough by work these past few weeks that I am starting to worry less about others and getting over fears that were holding me back. I got my ass kicked, and I want to do it again, except this time I need to do it in all aspects of my life. I just need to remember that the only way to get my ass kicked is to be in a situation where I will get hit.
I realize this is all just a shitty re-harsh of what wiser people have said for a long time, but I am a dense mother fucker and I think things are starting to finally stick.
Art_Martin 6y ago
OYS 5.
Age: 38 Wife 38. Together approx 20 years. 3 kids 10,8,6. Height 6’0’. Weight 180. Bench 130 x 10. Self improvement 5 months- RP 4 months.
Lifted.
Only lifted 2 times. Things get to busy when I don’t plan. I’ve now locked in 3 times a week and put in the family diary so it happens. If I can get a bonus one in –good.
Started to finally lift heavy and eat the right amount of protein for muscle growth. I was only getting maybe 50 grams of protein a day – the rest was carbs. I’m now at least triple that.
Life Goals
Job and Property development going well.
MAP/Frame
I’ve moved into Dread level 3 – I used to be really active, but gave it all up for the kids and it was easier to not be nagged. This just feels like reverting to normal.
First thing that needed to be done. My wife was the family diary in the past – I was the guy when people ask if I am free-I’ll consult my wife and get back to you….cringe…So we’ve synched the diaries, and now I am free to plan what I want without having to go to the wife. Yah Adulting…/sarcasm. Wife still wants the consultation before I lock anything in (read: permission) and I told her I’m not doing that – if it’s free in the diary, I’m locking it in and I’ll let you know. I’m in IDGAF if the marriage fails mode so I’m just telling it how it is with all these things.
I have a number of groups of friends that catch up a few times a year. I was never the organiser but I have decided to start booking these things in – and maybe pushing them to be a bit more frequent.
I also realised how many opportunities there are to socialise if you just listen. People who I consider acquaintances through kids sports etc are now suggesting social stuff and I’m just saying yes. I’m sure they always were, but I probably was just stuck to the ‘too hard’ script. Or it could be because I’m much more warm, friendly and fun post RP.
I realised I skipped to Dread level 4 before 3, and understand now that it comes across as butthurt when you withdraw your attention and aren’t that active. I have always been active, but it’s work active rather than social active.
I'm owning my shit in nearly all areas of my life...
​
Kids
Everything is great, and has been for a while now.
​
Relationship
Continued with the IDGAF attitude and the divorce elephant in the room(led by me) - see previous OYS where I went RAMBO into dread level 10. We have been friendly and polite, sleeping in the same bed.
I’d been reading J10ofH on the sidebar again and it made me realise how autistic the giving her the polite silent treatment is(read:comes across as butthurt and passive agressive) – she’s not going to come to some main event epiphany like that. So why I am being a dick to the person I married and live in same home as. I’ve been having an awesome time with my kids, my friends, but I haven’t brought her in. I need to bring her in with zero expectation or any covert contracts.
So the other day I took the initative and spoke to her. It wasn’t a main event, but it laid how I see us together in the future. She was on board, wants the relationship to improve. I tried not to DEER, but I talked about how we’ve had a rough few years and it’s time to start to do fun shit in the relationship. She needed comfort, and I know now what that means. So I gave her the comfort she needed and told her to come into bed where I took control and led her. First time in two weeks. Longest dry patch ever. She came in 20 seconds.
So I’m still confused about my wifes attraction to me. She gets highly aroused whenever she is up for it. Yet she is not up for it that often – although I haven’t really created a culture of gaming and kino and escalation as a daily thing yet. I would imagine if you're not attracted to someone you don't get highly aroused and come in 20 seconds. I should get out of her head, but I see this as important.
I also read about J10oH comments about the differences between structural relationship problems and situational relationship problems with mums of young kids who are martyring themselves for the kids. Paraphrasing and my interpretation -some mums don’t have the mental load left for a relationship after giving their all for the kids – and they are lost in how to fix this, even though they want to. I see my wife now as someone who is highly competent, but has horrible problem solving skils and logic - she couldnt get herself out of this even if she wanted to. I think the situational is the biggest barrier at the moment. Early on in my RP journey I dismissed fixing this/removing the burden on her as a form of choreplay and a covert contract – but I now just see it as owning my shit as a captain. I have to do this without a covert contract that it leads to more sex though. Even though I'm sure it will.
I am convinced that my wife is an avoidant personality type who could have let this whole thing simmer for months though – and even after the last few weeks of dramas – right now she is not hugely different personality wise that she was. She's not cuddly or affectionate. I don't know if she ever was.
hack3ge 6y ago
You have zero game plus you are a skinny ass faggot.
5 months of lifting and a 130lb bench? really? you haven't done any work let alone the work needed to get a woman wet by just walking in the room.
Nope you are just too much of a pussy right now - you would know if she was avoidant stop making excuses. You are just a no frame, weak ass faggot that is why she isn't a submissive, affectionate sex kitten - also why the fuck do you care? Do you need her to be cuddly and affectionate to make you feel good about yourself?
TLDR: Stop being a faggot and lift
Art_Martin 6y ago
Yep, I recognised I've been fucking around when I realised I was making definition gains but not size gains. I've been roughly the same weight since I started lifting 4 months ago. This last week I've tripled/quadripled protein intake and actually started lifting heavy(for me) and I've put on 3lb.
I could comfortably do more than 130, but I only just started on bench in the last week after fucking around on the machines. I'll push myself more this week .
Thanks. You're right.
I'm still a dancing monkey in need of validation from the wife - even though I tell myself I'm not and I talked big with the divorce talk.
It has been said at every OYS - I need to give less fucks about validation from the wife. To truly do this- and not just talk about it or act it - takes a lot of time though. The oneitis was strong on this one...I think upon reflection if I am truly honest, I havent even started doing this properly. I have just big talked, hoping the wife will somehow become the wife I want her to be. ie withdrawing affection in hope of her noticing and giving more. Divorce talk trying to bring her into line. A lot to unpack here. Thanks.
hack3ge 6y ago
If you have lifted for a while target roughly .5 lbs a week if you are natural - on gear or as a newb you can gain much more. I've put on about 35 lbs since June some of it was fat pre-TRT but I've recomped nicely - I definitely over did it in the middle of my bulk.
Trust me its hard to give less fucks - I could tell you said it but didn't believe it and your wife knows its posturing. When I truly had zero fucks to give the rope pulled quick and things changed. Divorce talk is the one thing that you should never do - when you truly are ready to walk out she will know and you won't even have to say it so before that its just you whining and being a little bitch. It's the same with threatening to fuck someone else and get your needs met elsewhere (AA is perfectly acceptable though) - once you can legitimately do it there is no need to say it they just know and at that point you really won't care.
Next time you find you are doing something because you want a reaction out of your wife or anyone for that matter, stop and remember that you can't control others and you need to be congruent with what you want.
red-sfpplus 6y ago
Dear Diary,
I blacked-out out last week with 405# on my back doing squats on rep 5. Was able to dump the bar before I hit the ground. I am pretty sure I was borderline hypo before I even started that workout due to stacking two 19-Nors like an idiot.
Last night my Daughter, my bad ass baby girl, puked in the middle of Taekwondo due to working so hard.
Later that night I had a 20 minute conversation with her (started by her) on where she is going to get her first tattoo. She is 9. I told her Ill go with her and get one at the same time when the time is right.
We are all going to fucking make it.
Smile and live life.
You only get one.
Westernhagen 6y ago
Two common antihistamines (fexofenadine/Allegra and ranitidine/Zantac) greatly reduce the risk of blacking out during a workout.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/10/061012185827.htm
egc6 6y ago
I used to puke during BJJ sometimes. That thick ass gi holds in so much heat. I imagine the dobok does the same. Found out it was a heat tolerance thing for me. Heard salt helps with heat tolerance and nausea. Started drinking some salt water before working out or rolling. Worked immediately.
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red-sfpplus 6y ago
One of Mandy's ex-CC riding girlfriends (she is "married" now) literally got her named tattooed on the back of her neck back in her 20's so guys could remember her name when they bent her over.
Saw it with my own eyes. She is now 40.
jarhead_fred 6y ago
OYS #2
Stats:
45yo, 6'4", 260 lbs., BF 19.6% (Navy) SL5x5 - SQ: 255 5x5 BP: 150 5x5 BR: 120 5x5 OHP: 95 5x5 DL: 240 1x5
Background:
Career Beta, Married 16y, Wife is a SAHM, 2 kids See OYS #1 Basically a career beta who's marriage is in the last stages of a dumpster fire.
Mission:
Still trying to figure out my mission. For now, I'm concentrating on lifting, sidebar, STFU, and being attractive. I'm thinking a lot about what it is I actually want out of life, and thinking about my core values. I figure this will come.
Reading:
Finished MMSLP, MAP, NMMNG (x2), WISNIFG (x2), Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***, popular posts on MRP, Marcus Aurelius' Meditations.
Currently reading The Way of the Superior Man.
So, turns out that I completely missed a lot of what I should have gotten from WISNIFG, when I read it the first time. /u/RPeed and /u/ChokingDownRP both clued me in to some of what I missed. Basically, I took the tools of Fogging, Negative Assertion, etc... as metaphors or some shit, and didn't really get that they were literal tools to use when my wife throws a wobbler. Read it a second time, and really tried to internalize it. Wow. It's a game changer. I was stuck in ROBOT MODE (https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/7vp39q/an\_anatomy\_of\_butthurt\_and\_the\_impact\_on\_frame/) and when I actually started Fogging... just wow. The wife had a meltdown, and I used Fogging and Negative Assertion to stay out of my normal autist mode. The night actually ended up all right.
Physical
Sticking with SL 5x5. Working in some cardio, and just started doing intermittent fasting. I've lost a couple of pounds, but I'm packing on muscle. I need to actually get a body composition test, so I've got a better idea of progress. For now, I'm just taking a shirtless selfie every couple of weeks, and seeing marked improvement in the way I look.
Career/Finances
Career is going well. I actually had a one on one with my boss today. He told me that he's recommending me for a management role that's coming up soon.
Also my side hustle has actually started generating some revenue. We're not profitable yet, but we're on the right track. The wife hates the side hustle. She says that it takes time away from our relationship. Normally I get super defensive, but I've embraced accepting criticism and I'm not letting it get to me. The last time she went off about it, I just listened to what she had to say, then told her that this is important to me, and I'm doing it. I'm also going to make sure and carve out time to be present for her and the family. In the past I've used the side hustle as an escape. No more of that shit. I'm going to be deliberate about it.
Personal/Leadership/Marriage:
I've really been concentrating on using the WISNIFG tools. Once I finally let it sink in, it's just amazing how well that shit works. I'm also really working on staying in my frame. I've had trouble with defensiveness in the past, and that shit's toxic. WISNIFG has helped me to deal with that, and I'm finally internalizing the idea that I'm the ultimate judge of myself.
Wife has been going wild with shit tests lately. Recently I had a hiking trip planned with a couple of guys. Two nights before we leave, my wife came in and just threw a hissy fit. Says that I'm being selfish, I'm going to get Lyme disease, I must not love her, etc... She then gave me the silent treatment until I left. I just enjoyed the silence, stayed in my frame and left to go hiking. When I get back out of the woods, there are a bunch of texts from her. She misses me, she hopes I'm having a good time, etc... I got home, acted like nothing ever happened, and threw her down on the bed and banged her like a Salvation Army Drum.
Similar shit has been happening on and off since then, but I'm staying in my frame, and finally seeing her for the emotional toddler that she is. In the past, I'd get all defensive anytime she got that way. It's amazing how liberating this is! I'm still new at it, and probably failing as many shit tests as I pass, but I've finally gotten to the point that I can see them for what they are.
Goals for the next month:
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The_Litz 6y ago
Have you heard about Litz's Beast mode 3-1-3-1 PPL program? I hear it is the shit but you can only do it for 6 weeks and then you can die if you don't take a 6 week break.
Almost every paragraph references an outside influence. 'Gary's lifting program for bloodtype O beginner lifters that want to bench a Nissan' or 'Steve's diet that helps you shred but-not-too-much'.
This budget app and that meditation app.
All these things are mere tools. Don't obsess over these different things.
When you fail you will jump to the next app/program/guru. Likewise blaming your folks for not teaching you about money...
You need to take ownership of your own stuff. These things are extremely simple.
Lift heavy shit, don't eat shit. The actual program or app is irrelevant. When certain programs become usefull is when you are down to below 15% BF and hit a plateau which just won't move. Then you start fine tuning.
You are making many different changes all at once. Your biggest ally is a simple lifting program that you can easily follow, a diet that you can stick to for more than a week.
Meditation is just as simple, you are an intelligent man, 30 mins on the web will give you a reasonable idea of what to do. Just start doing it. No need for an out of body experience, just a good chill and renewed focus.
Many men fail because the domine rush they get out of planning all this was enough for them and then they quit. Just to repeat the process when they feel the need for more dopamine.
Focus on the process, not the tools.
egc6 6y ago
Just keep reading the side bar. That whole Marriage section reads pretty textbook.
Women rationalize why they aren't attracted to you. Could be your weight or it could be the slightest of headaches that she just got. Either way, something about you is/was still unattractive and what ever she says most likely isn't the truth.
Welcome to the anger phrase and realizing that you dancing like a monkey doesn't work.
Dread working on her and then you getting butthurt over it.
Too much to unpack but yes. You have been together since children and 14 years total. Fucking others is going to be new and exciting. Connecting with someone else as an adult is a whole new world. Doesn't mean things won't devolve right back to where you and your wife are now if you don't fix yourself though.
Branch swing. (Whatever you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about it).
Will that ease the ache in your pussy? To make sure they know how they made you feel? Try and manipulate them into taking your side and see things how you need them to see it? Will that validate you enough? Conversely, how about you work on your frame and work on being your own judge.
man_in_the_world 6y ago
This is all driven by your beta neediness for external validation from sex. It's very likely why your wife finds you unattractive.
This is all damaging beta dread.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
You need to focus. Just as a simple example, you're reading three books at once. That's a recipe for not getting a deep understanding from any of them.
As far as budgeting, it can be a rabbit hole. Here are a couple points to consider:
frozenpond 6y ago
Give it more time. Momentum builds with fitness, confidence, game, etc. If she comes around great if not you've made yourself a better man. You have a lot of goals and it will take time to get where you want to be.
If your ultimate goal is saving your marriage I would read more foundational stuff like Athol Kay's books or Saving a low sex marriage before David Dieda. But if you've decided you're moving on then Dieda works.
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frozenpond 6y ago
When he moves into ejaculating up into my spine I had to move on. I Wasn't ready for that just yet.
hack3ge 6y ago
What in the fuck? If this is his goal he should just leave - dance monkey dance...
frozenpond 6y ago
This is why I post here. To recognize where I fundamentally think the wrong way. Great point. I have so many holes in my mental maps of this shit. I want to delete my comment but I will let it stay.
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WhiteNight200 6y ago
Everything you do from now on should be for yourself and what you want. Dancing Monkeys go through the motions of MRP for sex and validation.
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WhiteNight200 6y ago
Don't make your mission something that you can't control (that relies on other people to get in line). They will disappoint you. Take charge of yourself. Fix yourself.
Do not focus on others or measure your success by them. If they follow your lead, you can work with that. But if they don't, you will still be in the position to make your life into whatever you want it to be.
weakandsensitive 6y ago
How are you going to save your marriage? What control do you have over that goal?
monkey_arris 6y ago
OYS 1
40 years old, wife 37.
Married for 10 years, relationship for 15. 3 kids.
Lifts: (These aren’t my maxes. Recently started StrongLifts 5x5 and these are my most recent achieved 5x5s.) Squat: 150lb BP: 94lb Row: 99lb DL: 176lb OHP: 72lb.
Read all the sidebar books at least once.
Intro: flirted with MRP for nearly a year. Finally making the step to post and OYS. Realise my life is a car crash and needs turning round in all respects. Trying to avoid a victim puke and likely failing.
Marriage/Relationship
A complete drunk captain who has sailed his ship onto the rocks. It’s probably too late to save the marriage, but I am determined to save myself, for me and the children.
Moved to a new country at the end of 2017. Was supposed to be an adventure but I didn’t make the most of it and didn’t make it an adventure for my wife. She met another man and they drifted into an affair. I found out as soon as it went physical and she cut off contact with him. Then, in January this year she said she couldn’t live without this other man in her life and it was my choice how I responded to that. We live in a new country with very little support network. For the sake of the kids (and my own fear of loss) I agreed to let her see him. He is in his mid-50s and out of shape, but he makes her feel safe and he provides her with fun. He also makes a huge fuss over her work (she is an aspiring artist). I did not do these things.
I don’t blame her for falling for him. I have no idea if our marriage is salvageable. Certainly the old one is dead. However, I also know I’ve been doing everything wrong and my situation now should not be surprising. Blurting out my feelings, exhausting her with my neediness. Not bringing any fun OR security. I’ve been a terrible husband and man and I deserve this. Luckily (?) this other guy a total fuck up. Working on getting myself sorted out. I have no idea what that means for my marriage but we will see. Either way I cannot go back to the way I’ve been all my adult life. I will be happy, whoever is in my life.
Fitness:
Smoking. Still smoking after years of pretending to myself that I would quit soon. Have bought vaporizer and will switch this week.
After messing around with different protocols (PPL, KBs) I’ve committed to StrongLifts 5x5 until I hit the Intermediate 1 strength goals.
Finances:
A mess. Pulling everything under control this week. Cancelling all internet subscriptions and closing down loose ends. Developed a budget with wife. Earn less than I did at 25 due to being an idiot and thinking I could just do nice work I enjoy but which doesn’t have a high enough market value.
After freelancing I took on a permanent job in January for more stability. However, I now live in a country with very low wages which will not support the kind of life I want. Once the holes are plugged on expenses I will develop a plan to build the necessary skills to earn proper money again, most likely as a freelancer.
Have developed a side business (website) with a partner. Need to build a bit more traffic then monetise.
Mental Health
Have realised over the last year how dependendent I am on my wife’s mood. I’m appalling at passing shit tests and often lost in anxiety. Working my way through a CBT course. Will meditate daily. Also avoid arguments with wife. Going through the sidebar again, but this time slowly and internalising it. First step - stopping being so fucking unattractive.
Rereading this I am well aware how much of a prick I am. OK. Rock bottom.
HornsOfApathy 6y ago
Did you come here for honesty? If so, here it is:
This is in the top 3 faggoty things I've read here in a year. And I read fucking everything here.
You need to end this shit ASAP. But I doubt you will. You're too much of a scared little faggot boy to do it - so go ahead and let your wife fuck another man with your permission.
Why the FUCK aren't you more upset? WHY ARE YOU NOT FUCKING ANGRY???
What's different this time? How are you going to do anything different?
Why aren't you planning ahead now? A good captain is always steps ahead of his crew with charting his course.
​
PS: Post how fat you are. It's required.
monkey_arris 6y ago
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I'm too skinny. About 70kg and 5'8"ish.
I've been plenty upset and plenty angry. All it did was drive her away from me and towards him. I am well aware that this is completely fucked. If I try and put my foot down she will leave and my children have all that to deal with. I had this coming. I deserve it. So I sort myself out. Then we'll see if I still want to be married once I have real options.
weakandsensitive 6y ago
The only right answer is "Feel free to fuck off."
but you write like you're a defeated cunt. so it's probably not your cup of tea, crumpet.
HornsOfApathy 6y ago
This implies that you think you're married now.
Your wife is fucking another man with your permission, even though you wish she wasn't.
This is not a marriage, you faggot.
monkey_arris 6y ago
fair enough.
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
You do you, but if it was me I would leave or kick her out. I would be better on my own. It's clear you have no self respect but i do get it fear holds you back same as the best of us. Facing it is the only way. You will be ok
monkey_arris 6y ago
Thanks.
Have managed to fuck our lives up so much there's not enough money for two flats and would want some stability for the kids if and when we break up. So earning more money my main priority to give options.
The whole situation has brought into the open my longstanding issues about validation from a woman, not taking personal responsibility etc. I figure if I can make some progress in this shitstorm I'll be able to better face whatever comes next.
hack3ge 6y ago
Let me level with you faggot - you are a fucking disaster.
This whole situation has nothing to do with your validation from women or taking personal responsibility - it has to do with a man with zero self-respect. You don't have to be jacked with a 6 pack to have self-respect.
The only thing you seem to you respect is your wife's desire to get some other dudes cock rammed in all her holes while she cums buckets and screams his name. Trust me if she has overtly brought it up to you she has already fucked him and lots - shes just trying to make her feel like its okay by getting your permission after the fact.
Fuck that - go right now and tell her she can go fuck herself and that its over - that is where you start fixing yourself.
tspitsatgp 6y ago
Dude, just no. Maybe you are a fuck up and maybe you did fuck up your marriage. But that is no excuse to let yourself be treated like a worthless piece of shit. Give the kids a Dad they can look up to - have pride and self respect. They won’t understand now but you are the adult and need to make the hard decisions. This isn’t sustainable for you. Don’t make excuses, let her go if she won’t respect this basic boundary.
FoxShitNasty83 6y ago
You seem hard on yourself, its natural to apply some pressure to sprit yourself into action but too much pressure isn't good for you physically or mentally so calm down, be easy on yourself and make a plan to overcome one thing at a time
[deleted] 6y ago
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monkey_arris 6y ago
It's a European country where English not widely spoken. Looking back I clearly had mild depression which got worse due to isolation as I was working freelance from home. Vicious cycle. Alleviated somewhat now I work with others.
[deleted] 6y ago
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monkey_arris 6y ago
Ha! Not a Frenchman, but close enough.
All good advice, thanks. Haven't taken the language-learning seriously enough. More specifically, I haven't taken the social aspect seriously enough. Will go to a conversation group this week.
If it wasn't for my kids...
hack3ge 6y ago
Seriously faggot - even worse than above.
You are worried about how you aren't taking learning a language serious and your some dude is balls deep in your wife's ass.
"You're on the Titanic, rearranging the deck chairs to maximize the feng in your shui."
Holy fuck - step back and think about the situation for a second - prioritize whats important and start fucking there.
weakandsensitive 6y ago
"Hey Kids! Watch daddy get cucked!"
Great life lessons. Way to set your kids up to succeed. Way to teach them about self respect.
Rogue68486 6y ago
^^^
This
You're allowing her to take advantage. And on some level the kids know it or see it in your relationship.
Cut the cord
[deleted] 6y ago
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Cam_Winston21 6y ago
Huzzah. Have a cheat meal, a cold beer, and give yourself a pat on the back for a goal accomplished. You deserve it and you should treat yourself to a reward.
Then, pedal back to the metal and stay there until you hit 14%.
[deleted] 6y ago
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hack3ge 6y ago
Why less of an asshole? I find that there is a direct correlation between the number of times my wife calls me an asshole and how wet she is.
man_in_the_world 6y ago
Freudian slip, hopefully?
egc6 6y ago
At least you know you did something stupid. I'm not sure you know why though. They way I read that is that she is doing shit to make you dance like the monkey you are. She isn't telling you exactly what she wants because chances are she doesn't know but she feels bad and needs you to know she does. She is acting out and you are caving and giving her what she wants, attention. Its classic manipulation.
Your whole fucking situation has so many layers and moving parts. Equally entertaining and frustrating to read. I'm about 50% sure this is going to end in a murder suicide or a kidnapping. I'm just not sure if it is going to be your wife or the babysitter holding the gun.
While not commenting on anything overly specific from the past several months, I see one constant. You are inconsistent and passive. You make yourself feel better by working out, getting involved in charity, and work. All good things on their own. I feel pretty confident that you are using them to ignore how passive you are in your relationships.
There is no decisiveness. Everything in the relationships are "maybe", "I'll think about it", "I don't know". You are doing things with no follow up plan. You are letting the sitter decide how involved you are in her life. If she keeps or terminates the baby. If you are around and how often. Letting your wife decide if you stay married. Lying to her about not wanting another baby and basically stringing her along. Make some choices and stick to them.
This is the entire point of her rambling email. She wants you to make her a priority and to actively show it. She is hamstering a way to have some proof that you actively choose to be a part of her life without her overtly saying it. Because if she says it plainly she will never be certain it is your own motivations that lead to that birthday card or visit.
Both of them just want you to take a stand. If you do, they will test it sure and you will come back and say "I didn't mean to upset anyone. I'm just a Nice Guy. Boo Hoo." This seems extreme but I'm sure deep down the baby sitter wants you to abandon your wife and choose her completely giving her those feels of being made a priority and wanted. I'm sure your wife wants another girl, for the sitter to utterly disappear, and you to harden up your frame so she doesn't feel like she is married to a wimp she can push over. But guess what? It doesn't fucking matter. What the fuck do you want?
If you answer that last question with an "I don't know" or "I'm thinking about it" I'm going to RES tag you as "useless" and ignore everything else going forward. I hope everyone else does the same. Figure it out.
SuperCrazy07 6y ago
Babysitter. The wife has her shit mostly together and the babysitter is an emotional wreck.
My only question is why the wife is still around. No rational person can think this is salvageable.
[deleted] 6y ago
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egc6 6y ago
Alright homie, let's put a fine tip on this fucker.
You want to stay with your wife and have a girl on the side who is having your daughter. Ideally I'm sure you would want to openly be with her sometimes as a second family. Modern day Morman multifamily type shit. Yeah? That the idea situation right now?
Maybe I'm crazy but seeing as how both these women are still putting up with you I think you have a real weird chance at it if you spell out that shit. But that requires some rock hard frame to say what you want and then push for it. I'd say you are already near rock bottom so they can't fuck you up anymore than they already can. Wife can chill since you are just fucking girl number 2 and not a bunch of strange. Babysitter can chill because having you all to her self isn't going to happen but having some of you and a weird family is possible.
Beyond that, I can't see you being ok with buying that girl a house then dealing with the fall out when she starts fucking other guys and bringing them around your kid. You mentioned something vaguely earlier that makes me think maybe your wife floated the idea of her giving up the baby to you guys to raise as a solution to the teen pregnancy and the daughter the wife desperately wants.
You have some real soap opera level shit going on. I know OYS is supposed to be about you, and it should be. But as you sort this shit out remember you have kids who can and will get fucked thanks to all this. Whatever you decide make sure it doesn't drag on for years if their home life is suffering already. Use them as motivation to pull the trigger on something.
RedPillBluegrass 6y ago
OYS 048 190604
Stats:
I recently re-started squats and deadlifts after 6 months hiatus due to back pain.
Diet
Weight has plateaued for 9 months. Any fat loss will require tracking of all calorie intake. To force myself into tracking my calories I am considering going into a natural bodybuilding competition to up my game, checking out the details now.
Goals
185 lbs (83.9 kg) by the end of 2019
Sex and Relationship
No amount of vanilla sex is going to make me happy. From a vanilla-sexless “marriage” pre-RP, to anytime I want vanilla-sex post-RP, has not made me happy. I need a return to a hard-core sex life.
I do wonder if a return to that sort of sex life will change anything.
I know this, it’s a fucking start.
I need to burn this shit down.
Goals
Train her, leave, or get a GF.
Social Life
My social life has been a mess so I have implemented a new mindset to fix it. So far it has been a solid move. I have made it a point to talk to at least two other parents at my sons Jiu Jitsu class where normally I would engage in small talk with one. I also talk to more people at the gym now. I even talked to the hot wall smasher I have only nodded my head to in passing.
I also talked to more people at my rock show this past weekend than normal. We played with a band that attracts pinup Thots and I see a few of the girls at shows regularly. Rather than just say nod my head in recognition, I stopped and talk to several of them. Yes playing on stage is automatic social proof, big advantage, got me laid many many times throughout my life. But I still wouldn’t engage as much as I will now.
I am currently in an industry reliant on technology and I see the future coming. The future is very safe, very clean, very fast, and a vast majority of people are going to be left behind. Being social, having friends, being able to connect with people, taking care of our bodies and our minds, being a human will be the only thing left we have to offer a world where automation, robots and algorithms will simply do everything better, faster, safer and cheaper than any human can ever hope.
In fact, being a social human may even be the last thing we ever do. Plan and act accordingly.
Mental 1
Burn this shit down.
Mental 2 - Rule 0 (thanks Rian Stone)
For the past year I have added a swath of “RP” men to my twitter feed and felt something was off with some of them. I understand making money from your experience, I understand hawking merch, I understand having a rock star attitude about accomplishments, and I understand backing your friends… but something felt wrong for a while and then this Twitter circle jerk happened.
For me it is the dichotomy between the Star Wars Teaser Cry Man and a criminal who keeps boasting how smart, strong, and rich he is. One guy was/is me. A man who does his own shit no matter how others look at him… not perfect, but certainly working at it. The other man… a rich criminal thug, “Alpha” as fuck… but something just ain’t right there.
Other times it has felt like getting advice from a bunch of 6’10’’ pro-basketball players saying “You just gotta believe in yourself, work hard, buy my shit, and be 6’10’” followed by all of them pulling each others dicks and confirming that “Yes… believe in yourself, work hard, buy my shit, and be 6’10’’”. They must really love jerking each other off.
Then Mr Stone sent out his email, and got me back on track… enter Rule 0.
I am here to get MY sex life / life sorted. Fuck the rest.
Audio Books / Books
Mode One, Alan Roger Currie. Halfway through at this point, fairly interesting advice and reasonable mindset, but the quality of the audiobook is subpar and at least one horrible false equivalence which should be rectified. The purchasing gas from a gas station attendant and Mode Oneing women can be eliminated in favour of… “There is a time and a place for straight forward conversations… chose wisely”.
man_in_the_world 6y ago
"No amount of
vanilla sexexternal validation is going to make me happy."FTFY, although you don't believe it, yet. Do you think that hard-core sex will make you like her?
More importantly, do you really think it will make you like yourself?
RedPillBluegrass 6y ago
Perhaps I am chasing ghosts. Perhaps I am idolizing years of my youth. Perhaps the brief dip into BDSM and the intensey fucked my head.
Will it make me like her? If she is active and willing... yes...
Will I like myself? If she is active and willing... yes...
There is something wrong there...
man_in_the_world 6y ago
Yes, there is.
Cloudy_Pirate 6y ago
​
I had a kinky girlfriend before I got married. Sometimes I regret not continuing that relationship. She never said no. But then I remember that she was psycho-crazy, deceptive, highly likely to cheat, and would have been a terrible mother if we had kids. My former kinky girlfriend had a very high dominance threshold. The more dark triad, the better. My wife's threshold is much lower. Not that she wouldn't feel some attraction there (AWALT), but she reacts differently and is more likely to call it out. (for an interesting 'red pill' take on this from a female perspective: https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4ep0xh/relationship\_dynamics\_part\_one\_updated\_expanded/ )
​
Either way, I decided that there are certain aspects of sex that are more important to me than others and I am going to keep pushing for what I want. I see the same thing in your post so I'm curious to see how it goes for you.
hack3ge 6y ago
You need to figure this out - either its something you require in a relationship or you just need it to make yourself feel good. That is step 1 - step 2 is figuring out how to get what you require.
My wife wasn't in the mood the other day and literally said "fuck whatever hole you want but I am just not into it today" - I said cool and enjoyed myself. Could you do the same or would that bother you?
RedPillBluegrass 6y ago
I am pretty sure that I need it. I had a hardcore sex life with HB5's in my past, I just let it slide with the HB7-HB8s in PU days, and really let it slide with the mother of my children (MOMC).
Pre-RP/MRP I had trained myself to last till MOMC had climaxed, about 20-30 minutes (on the once every two months we had sex). In my younger days pre-MOMC days, I could last hours.
Now, I don't care. I cum within 3 minutes.
hack3ge 6y ago
Now that you figured out what you want - what are you willing to do to get it?
JCX_Pulse 6y ago
6/04/19 OYS #14 5’10 185lb BF% 11% (Est.)
Mission (Goals): Be Debt Free: Haven’t been able to double payments while adjusting to new salary Single digit BF for summer: Started tracking my macros again this week. Will measure BF at gym today. Own household: Keeping shit tight, clean, and in control. Learn: Reading MAP right now, re-reading NMMNG. Practice Alpha behaviors Confront people when I’m unhappy instead of being passive aggressive. This has gotten easier and I am recognizing when my fear of confrontation rises up so that I can squash it.
Lifts: Got 3 workouts in last week. I wanted more but I chose to be social instead. It’s what I felt like doing and don’t regret it. I didn’t lose any strength in the gym but have come back strong this week. DL: 205 x 12 BP: 195 x 12 SQ: 185 x 12 (current hypertrophy phase)
Work: What a shit show. I’m up to my eyes in work because I have to worthless co-workers who can’t be trusted. One works about 3 hours a day and the other is the most incompetent person I’ve ever worked with. Neither are being fired for whatever reason, but their work is being dropped on my shoulders since I’m the only one my boss trusts. Yay.
Me: I went and re-read some of my old OYS posts prior to writing this one. I needed to see how far I’ve come since first signing up. It’s been quite a journey. I’ve been questioning my focus over the past few weeks, trying to balance the complicated feelings that come with being deceived by my wife, the reality of hypergamy and my own fragile ego.
Owning my shit, taking care of the house, chores, shopping, hanging up shit, things I found annoying prior to RP still give me a sense of accomplishment and happiness. I find pride in things I never thought I’d find pride in.
I haven’t had sex in what must be around 2-3 months. Wife finally went to doc to fix her vag issue and it should be up and running again in a week. I’ve felt insecure, wondering why she doesn’t want to fuck, but keeping it to myself. I’ve wanted to backslide into victim puking behaviors but have stayed strong. Re-reading NMMNG has been essential in reinforcing good behaviors within myself. I realized I was validating her feelings for me through sex again. Ironically, though we haven’t had sex, our relationship is the best it’s been in years. She is compliant, submissive, and fun. We haven’t fought or had issues. She’s been extremely affectionate and loving. One of the most things I’ve read here lately is that she is just an antenna, and whatever I send out, she receives, and reflects back. She’s never been very affectionate our whole relationship. I decided early on this must mean she doesn’t like me being affectionate, and I held back that side of myself. Since re-uniting I just do me. If I feel it, I do it, kiss, hug, slap the ass, tell her something sweet, all just because I want to. The result has been her giving all of those things back to me. She has opened up her own ability to be affectionate, to slip in sweet notes during the day just because. I don’t know that “I lead her” to this behavior, but I allowed her a safe place to have these feelings and showed her how accepting I was of them.
I feel an intense pressure to keep on top of my RP ways when I see success in my life. In work, in friendships, in relationships - but that pressure comes from a “Nice Guy” mentality, where I feel like I have to keep up these behaviors for someone other than myself. Becoming an integrated male has been the hardest part of this process. Overcoming these Nice Guy behaviors is the last step before I take the next step in my RP journey. I know my inner nice guy is still holding me back from an abundance mentality, maintains my fear and oneitis, and has me cower in the face of confrontation.
[deleted] 6y ago
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JCX_Pulse 6y ago
Ugh that fucking anger post is going to sit with me for awhile.
Edit: I wrote a long ass reply and now this is the only one I see. Not sure if this is a mobile issue or not.
JCX_Pulse 6y ago
Alright looks like I have to write this again.
Are you saying that my BF is off? Or you think I’m lying about my numbers? I wouldn’t make my squat and my bench so close together if I were going to fudge numbers, I’d at least make them be more favorable to a more balanced human.
As for work, I do get treated extremely well and I also make the most in my group by a good amount. Roughly 40%, so I deserve the extra work. I victim puked because these two idiots have been fucking my week up, making me work harder when I don’t want to babysit.
I judge myself based on my numbers because it’s a good metric to see progress, but I care most about how I look shirtless bc I’m shallow.
The anger post was really powerful. I’m Sure I’ve read it before, but it was a good reminder to evaluate my moods.
Time_to_Get_It 6y ago
OYS 1
Stats: 190lbs, 5’7” Also known as fat. 38 yo. Not married but together 12 years. 10 year-old daughter.
Bench: 140 Squat: 180 Curl: 70 Deadlifts: Don’t do them from fear of aggravating lower back issues.
I have been fucking around at the gym, going 1-2 times a week for the last 2 months or so. I am committing to 3x per week starting next week. Play racquetball regularly with a buddy. Always run 1 mile before I work out. Smoke a pack a day.
Typing that out makes it clear what a mess I am. Anyway, onward.
Career: Going quite well. Gunning for a director position within 2 years. Stable industry.
Hobbies: Play in a band, gig around once a month. I would like to see the quality of gigs go up, but not necessarily the quantity. That takes marketing efforts, which I have been slow to enact. It is important to me but relatively low on the priority list considering the other issues. I have been considering getting a pilots license as well, but wonder if the costs outweigh the benefits. Any pilots want to weigh in, I would have several questions.
Wife: Bitchy with no emotional control. One of my biggest concerns is her relationship with our daughter, which she seems intent on destroying with temper tantrums and constant criticism. Sex is good and she initiates often. She’s kinky and submissive. No blowjobs to completion however. She has a skin condition and constant health anxiety. Also unsure how to approach this. I find her often quite tiresome. I don’t really give much of a fuck, something that happened naturally and is probably the only thing keeping this ship together. If she wanted to end things, I’d probably be relieved.
Daughter: She is doing well in school. She is funny. She has a wonderful personality. She is very creative. She is lazy and resistant to help out. She is addicted to electronics.
I realize that I hold the lion’s share of responsibility for these issues. I have been a lurker for quite some time.
What I am doing:
As previously stated, gym is increasing to 3x per week. I am currently on day 2 of a 4-day bone broth fast to kickstart ketosis, at which point I will be following the keto diet until I lose 25 pounds.
Summer starts for my daughter. She will be in summer camp away from electronics for most of the day. I want to instill a “helping around the house” routine in the evenings. My concern is my own fatigue. She knows if she persists in complaining, I will relent because after work I am tired. Quite weak on my part.
Wife, I don’t know really. It’s hard for me to give a shit. I’ll just STFU for now I suppose, which I generally do anyway. She seems to respond to AA, but I often don’t have the quickness of mind for it. I haven’t done much fogging so I’ll get into that. My concern is she’ll think I’m patronizing her. She’s constantly on the lookout for perceived slights against her. I prefer to let her carry on with her nonsense and just focus on my issues. We have a vacation coming up, which I sorely need from work but I’m dreading all the close quarters and her shitty attitude towards my daughter. It’s a lot of money to just listen to two children continuously whine. I’ve already found a gym I can go to. Keto will be a challenge, but I’m committed to sticking with it.
I am clearly in the early stages here. Any feedback is appreciated.
BishBoshDosh 6y ago
​
These two things are connected.
Time_to_Get_It 6y ago
Makes sense.
frozenpond 6y ago
What are you going to do about the pack a day habit?
Time_to_Get_It 6y ago
It’s “on my list,” but something I know will be a massive undertaking and disruptive in ways I can’t predict. It’s not as high on my list as other things. I get it; it’s a problem. Maybe cutting back for the time being would be a less disruptive step for the time being.
Esssport 6y ago
"Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking" did it for me, I used to smoke a pack a day (some days 2) and the book helped me quit cold turkey. give it a try when you've made up your mind about quitting.
tap0988534 6y ago
OYS #5
​
Beginning 8th Week:
​
40 yo, 6’0, 225lbs (-21lb since start), 23% BF(Navy, -6% since start), married 20, kids: bunches and pregs
1RM: SQ255, BP230, BR160, OHP160, DL300
Sidebar: Gorilla, WISNIFG, MMSLP, NMMNG, Pook, Practical Fem Psych, Rational Male
Sidebar In Progress: MAP, SGM, Ironwood, Models
MAP has been a lot more of disappointment than I expected, as I have done most of the stuff in there even before MRP to little effect, because none of it really helps if you are a fat estrogen-riddled weakling. I will add in the gaps to my identity and daily habits and then revisit when I have lower abs. SGM has been a shocker on hundreds of levels, as I come to terms with just how fucking terrible I am at all four pillars of DEVI. It doesn't help that my wife is repressed as hell (at least with me) and has secured dozens of morning after promises in the past that I wouldn't do various things ever again because even though they felt good, she was sore, or she felt bad later, etc. This is going to require massive reprogramming of my nice guy brain, and a significant change of my level of attractiveness. Right now, even something as innocuous as calling her "baby" would probably result in a breakdown, as its disgusting to want to fuck a baby. At the core, the problem is that she is not attracted, and because of that I am still in her frame trying to figure out all the bullshit she ever said, navigating a hundred "no"s instead of dominating her and doing what I want.
​
Career: Going well, contract is wrapping up in the next couple of months and I'm eager to move on to somewhere more challenging. I might have a new opportunity in a few weeks that will require a lot of overtime for about two months, but will make up for it in pay.
​
Mission
Be a fun, active, competitive, attractive, expert, successful Lord Protector that captains my ship with endless energy, drive, and skill.
​
Physique
I have 12 days left to lose 10 lbs and I think it is going to be a hard push. I hit my lift goal on OHP, and I am so close I can taste it on BP. At the end of last week I hurt my back on deadlifts and had to do an extra recovery day. I'm taking a break from SL5x5 because even though it’s a crazy struggle to complete the set, I haven't been feeling like I got a good workout when I'm done: no soreness, muscles aren't getting as hard after working out and almost no DOMS. I switched over to 2Suns531, which splits arm/leg days and mixes in 8-9 sets of various weights and reps and it feels fantastic. My shoulders and chest are actually getting sore while I'm working out and are still sore and rock hard the next day. I am still hitting a PR nearly every day for the last 4 weeks and this feels great.
​
Dread
No dread program going beyond the long road to not being unattractive.
​
Social
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I have another crazy week where there is no time beyond lifting, school, and work to do anything. Last week I spent a while researching almost everything I could do to find guys to hang out with from secret societies to networking function and came up with nothing on near term horizon. I am essentially out of ideas, and I just need to start into some sort of classes ASAP, which probably won't be until next week.
I've noticed this also puts me in a surly mood, which makes me not a very fun captain. So in the absence of actually being fun, I'm trying really hard to get in a fun & positive mood before I get home so I can bring some positive energy home with me.
Marriage
I'm making small incremental improvements, and these have made my life more peaceful with less drama. And this is simply a matter of not DEERing or being butthurt when she shit tests. I've been told I'm always an asshole now, and that I treat her badly all the time. But I think this is just her perception of me not-groveling subserviently. While there was an initial uptick in attraction when I stopped groveling and started lifting, it feels like its petered out.
​
Mental Health
I recently came to the awareness that my daughter has a lot of ADD symptoms and that I actually share them:
She is the top academic performer of all the kids, but she has difficulty completing simple physical tasks like sweeping the floor without getting completely distracted. You can't give her two things to do unless its written in a list, or neither one will get done. I'm pretty much the same way except that I've worked really hard for a long time to get better at paying attention to social cues (still not great).
I'm considering going and getting diagnosed and getting meds. Does anyone have experience or recommendations with this?
​
Short Term Goals
My short-term goals are to primarily amp up my Alpha qualities:
Fitness, Physique, Social Skill, Social Standing, Masculine Energy, Assertiveness, Aggressive, Protective, Dominant, Competitive
#1 40-day(12 days Remaining) Weight Loss and Lifting Challenge - Drop Weight to 215lbs. (lose 10) Achieve Intermediate-Level 1RM lift Targets for 190: SQ305 DL355 OHP155 BR200 BP235, Diet: Will probably go liquid diet + greens for the next 12 days to meet goal (900 Cal/day)
#2 Add a social activity
#3 Be Aggressive, Assertive, Confrontational, Dominant, and Fun
#4 STFU, No DEERing, Zero butthurt
​
Long Term Goals
8% bf, 25min-5k, Intermediate-Level 1RM lift Targets for 200lb: SQ325 DL375 OHP160 BR215 BP245
Join a combat sport, prob BJJ (for minimal head damage).
30min 5k Run
Develop a mastery of public speaking.
Find a racquetball partner.
Improve my networking skills and get skilled at networking.
Learn to be effective with dread.
Get skilled at Alpha behavior.
Start understanding and developing frame.
Do lots of fun physically active stuff.
frozenpond 6y ago
OYS #9
Started OYS on 3/12/19
Stats: 6’2”, 202lbs (+2), 39 years old, wife 40, married 7 together 9, 2 kids. Lifts: 210 lbs bench is my 1 rep max, 255lbs squat (+30) 1 rep max Read: Rational Male 1, NMMNG, MMSLP, BPP Saving a low sex marriage, Pook, SGM. Unchained man/alpha 2.0. Reading Bigger Leaner Stronger now and Mode One. Finally measured bodyfat, Navy : 12%, Calipers 8%.
Fitness: Realized that I need to start eating more. Before I stopped drinking 5 years ago, I carried way too much weight and was 260lbs at my heaviest. Went nuts with cardio and got skinny (around 180lbs 2 years ago) and it felt good. But in reading BLS and talking to people and participating on this board it hit me that I don’t eat enough since I’ve started lifting hard. Still doing cardio and I don’t count calories and holy shit I am likely in a deficit many days. I’m gonna have to grow up and start tracking calories.
Style: I grew a beard for the first time in my life. I love it. Been a month now. I am going to keep it.
Sex/Relationship: We are having more frequent and better sex than possibly ever. I have become naturally less needy and other times I catch myself and just fake it because I can recognize when I’m about to behave in an unattractive way. I DGAF far more often. It’s great not giving a fuck, much better way to live. I have spent my life giving way too many fucks, no more fucks left to give.
Wife has been coming to me with things that are bothering her or stressing her out and I just play the oak. I don’t try to get too deep into whatever it is, I just project calmness and that everything’s gonna be OK, why worry? This is the right way to be. I wish I knew this naturally but I’m glad I found it eventually.
While we are having lots of sex and things are better, I have to be very aware that this is where I relax and act like she’s my best friend again. So far I have stayed aware and kept my frame. Since I work in the house it is very tempting to be a little lazy and shoot the shit for too long with her…I make sure that I am working on my mission(s) and am a little scarce. Leave her wanting more.
Frame is such a deep concept. I feel like I’m just starting to scratch the surface. It’s very challenging.
Tactical Question: I told my wife that I wanted to do a role play with her that I thought up. I told her after sex and she seemed receptive. She then asked me more details the next day. I sent her a video. We have joked about it and it seems like she’s interested in doing it. It’s way outside my comfort zone and we've never tried anything like a role play before but I think it would be hot.
However, I don’t know how to bridge the gap from where we are to making it a reality. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t watched the video and I’m confident if I never bring it up again it would not happen. I don’t want to make it seem like I’m badgering her, I want to keep it fun, not like a chore she has to do. Any suggestions here?
Dread: This shit works. Had my first number close in a decade last weekend. Then wife gets home and we have sex 4 days in a row and it’s mostly really good. Then I go out afterwards and I notice I am getting overt/blatant IOI’s…this is a whole new world. One of the girls works at a place I go in town and I’ve seen her for years and she’s never been flirty with me. But all of a sudden. Shits crazy. Momentum with the fitness and the sex and the NGAF attitude and the snowball is rolling and picking up speed.
Extra: Despite the progress I know my validation seeking beta is just beneath the surface. I want to continue to kill him. I am worried that he still lurks. I still worry about my wife just complying because of my value rather than being wet because of attraction. Die inner beta, DIE!!… it is still present unfortunately.
hack3ge 6y ago
Don't worry about whats going on in your wife's head - its a fools errand. I don't think there's a difference between the two you are outlining - remember attraction happens on multiple dimensions and isn't actually a choice on her part.
frozenpond 6y ago
Right. I am caring less about whats in her head but still a long way to go.
I think you're right too about attraction being multi dimensional. Ultimately I need to stop worrying about who's attracted to what and just work on my mission.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
Women are generally submissive sexually, don't expect her to take any initiative. Sometimes, my wife will tell me "we're definitely not doing anal tonight" completely unprompted when I initiate. Guess what we're doing half an hour later once she's warmed up?
The point is that you don't push boundaries when she's not horny. You push boundaries in the moment, thus avoiding ASD. Women will submit to a high-value, dominant man during sex. This is covered in SGM, it's probably worth reading it again.
frozenpond 6y ago
I agree...however, this isn't an in the moment thing. This is a role play that wont work unless she prepares for it.
beta_buxxx 6y ago
Binary thinking is your enemy here. You can most likely take steps towards it during sex without actually going whole hog. Wait until you're both really into things (high immersion), then just start talking dirty as if the role play is happening. It doesn't need to make logical sense. Just start planting the seed, and if she cums during this all the better as far as associating the role play with sexual pleasure.
frozenpond 6y ago
This is good shit. I am uncomfortable just imagining doing this which means its pushing the limits of my comfort zone which means this is where I should be heading. I will do this.
Giant-__-Otter 6y ago
There are examples given in SGM about exactly what u/beta_buxxx is talking. Time to read it again.
ImNotSlash 6y ago
33
In the gym, this was the best week I've had in quite some time. The only issues I had were with squats on both days. On both - the next to last set - I couldn't finish the last rep yet was able to finish the last set without issues and +1 on the T1 day.
Diet has been disciplined and on point though weight is not dropping as of yet. Will give it another week before making more calorie reductions. I am considering putting some serious time back on the ERG but I really don't fucking want to. I accept that weakness for now and will deal with it if/when the time comes.
First week of work has been good though boring as technicals still aren't inline. A lot of reading. I do think there is tremendous opportunity here to really shine. My boss has made it clear, unlike the previous position, I am welcome to modify things if I can demonstrate the value. The first piece of that has been done which I will be showcasing tomorrow (Monday).
Public transportation doesn't suck as much as I thought despite the lack of personal space. Oh, well. I get to read/listen on the trips and relax. Can't beat that.
Resumed taking online courses, fill any gaps and start extending into areas I've been uncomfortable with or struggled prior.
Things remain good with wife. I found her much more affectionate and warming this week, making advances but in a cautious, timid way - almost like shit I would do when I wanted to fuck. Things hadn't been bad here in previous weeks but I've certainly noticed an uptick. I'm not ignorant as to why. I like that she's hesitant, tbh.
Things with son have been okay but can (always) be better. I need to put together a family outing or just something for he and I to do this weekend. He's been pushing to spend as much time with GF as possible. Normally I wouldn't care except that's all he wants to do; hang with her. I get it.
He's dangerously close to failing the school year pending finals. He already asked me to pay for summer school; I gave him the same answer I gave to him several times before: no.
Additionally, he's calling in sick to work to hang out with her. Financially, he's blowing his checks soon as he gets them. I know where he gets it from. I will develop a plan to address this as well.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, 1% better every day...
redditanew 6y ago
OYS #2
Stats: 6’3”, 185lbs, 41 years old, wife 42, married 14yrs, 2 kids (11/8).
Lifting 2-3x/week. Building up lift weights due to shoulder and knee injuries.
Read: NMMNG, MMSLP, SGM, WOSM, Rational Male, WISNIFG, HtWFaIP, Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Reading: WOSM again, long time MRP lurker, next Unchained Man
Read my post from last week and realized that I did not make any progress in most of my main life areas. As I posted last week, I am shutting down my business after four years and this has taken a significant toll emotionally, so I think I had a little pity party for myself. It is time to shake that off and get rid of that mindset. I read a great post in askMRP about a gentleman who basically was wondering why he wasn’t seeing the results he wanted, but he was just sitting around reading, not doing. Got ripped to shreds by the community, and rightfully so. This week I will focus on acting and doing and I will have some progress to report next week. Time to stop being a pussy.
WhiteNight200 6y ago
OYS #7 (Discovered MRP 3/11/19)
Stats: 34yo, 5'9", 187 lbs., BF 17% (Navy)
SQ: 175 5x5
BP: 110 5x5
BR: 130 5x5
OHP: 100 5x5
DL: 215 1x5
Chin-ups: 5RM
Background: Raised LDS, Career Beta, 99th percentile introvert (per JBP's personality assessment)
Wife: Raised LDS, 32yo, 5'3", 135 lbs., Together 12y, Married 11y, SAHM plus music teacher
Children: 2yo twin boys
Mediocre but regular sex for eight years with wife before pregnancy, when she lost all interest. Nothing for 18 months, then a trickle. Discovered MRP about two and a half years after boys were born.
Mission
Be the best captain I can be. Lead myself and my family to a life of fulfillment and abundance. Exercise righteous dominion. Stand up for my own interests.
Study
Finished MMSLP, MAP, NMMNG, Rational Male Year One Highlights, 16 Commandments, all posts on MormonRedPill subreddit, popular posts on MRP, BPP's YouTube videos, WISNIFG, TRP Sidebar. 1/3 Pook. 1/3 Bang.
Working on Way of the Superior Man, and SGM.
Physical
SL5x5 3x/week, plus chin-ups. I missed one workout after getting an abnormal mole removed by my dermatologist (didn't want to pop the stitches on my back). Still managed to complete all my sets and set new PRs in my workout yesterday.
Aiming for 1610 calories (1860 on gym days) and 120g protein/day, tracking in MFP. Not much improvement since last week. Need to plan protein better and cut more carbs and crap.
Surgery is scheduled.
Career
No changes.
Financial
Not much change here. Bought and installed a smart thermostat on sale, which should save us money over the long-term. Temperature in the boys' bedroom has been warmer than most of the house, and installing a sensor in their room will help us manage it better.
Personal/Leadership:
I'm averaging 2-3 small projects/week at home now, which is 200% better than I was doing three months ago.
Resentment is down and attitude is more positive. I'm leading more naturally with less anger.
Continuing with Dread 3. Planning for 4 on the horizon.
Family
Still taking the boys out by myself on a regular basis. Three months ago I would've been very reluctant to do this (just plain lazy and insecure). Now everyone looks forward to it.
Marriage
Not many Tests this week. I caught myself reacting instinctively a couple times, instead of actively maintaining the MRP mindset (and frame). While my work so far here has changed me to some degree, I have definitely not honed my instincts nearly enough, and likely won't get to that point until years from now. I cannot be complacent and must be ever vigilant, until it all becomes second nature.
Confidence and playfulness have helped me in and out of the bedroom.
We need a date out on our own. The fault lies with me for not setting up a babysitter.
Goals for the next month
Continue reading. Figure out how to apply appropriate DEVI.
Continue SL5X5 and chin-ups. 1610 calories and 120g protein a day.
Continue engaging with the people around me at work and when I'm out.
Stay on budget. Pay an extra $2K toward student loans every month.
Plan for fun. Arrange everything myself. Continue knocking off the To Do list.
Take my children out of the house at least once a week.
Be the father figure. Continue to STFU while recognizing Tests. Fog, NA, NI. Don't DEER. Game and initiate. Respond to rejection with OI and get out. Reward good sex when it comes.