It occurred to me recently that many guys may not know what their wives are telling the attorney in preparation for that looming divorce filing she didn't tell you she was already planning. So, let me give you some insight on what that conversation looks like behind the scenes.

All of these are approximations of actual quotes I've heard throughout my career. They usually start with an allegation that the other side is abusive, followed by my asking: "How is he abusive?"

The Typical Conversation

This is based off of an actual conversation I had with one client in particular, but is fairly common of most:

"Did he ever hit you?"

"No," she says.

"Okay, so how was he abusive then?"

"He's verbally abusive."

"How so?" I always ask.

"He swears at me."

"Out of the blue or during arguments?"

"During arguments."

"Did you swear back at him?"

"Yes, but nowhere near as bad as he did it to me. He gets REALLY angry during arguments. Did I mention he's emotionally abusive too?"

"How's he emotionally abusive?"

"Because he gets soooo mad at me for little things or when I didn't do anything wrong at all!"

"Does he think you did something wrong?"

"Well yeah, that's why he's mad. But I swear I didn't. I just didn't do it his way - and he wants to make me feel horrible for that. That's emotional abuse. I looked it up on the internet."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Have you ever gotten mad at him over something that he felt was unjustified?"

"Oh sure. He accuses me of nagging him all the time."

"And have you ever yelled or gotten angry in those situations?"

"Well, yeah - because he's so abusive that it makes me mad and I can't help but yell and get angry! But what do you think? Can we show the court how abusive this man is?"

Other Memorable Quotes

I have added the first sentence for context, but I assure you that ALL of these quotes have included an allegation of the exact type of abuse referenced at some point in the conversation/testimony, and the second sentence on is part of the explanation given. Some are my client, others are the opposing party during my examination.

• "He's manipulative. He doesn't actually do anything that I could call abusive, but he does things to make me feel abused anyway. That's how he tries to get away with his abuse."

• "He's manipulative." I ask, "How does he manipulate you?" She answers, "By asking me to do things, and then I feel like I have to do what he wants all the time." I ask, "Does he ever threaten you if you don't do it, either direct or implied?" "No, I just know that he'll be angry. He uses his anger to manipulate me into getting his way."

• "He's manipulative. He uses the kids as pawns to get at me." I ask, "How so?" She answers, "When we're fighting, sometimes he takes the kids and leaves the house. He says he's 'giving me time to cool off.'" "What does he do with them?" "Usually they go to a park or out for ice cream or something fun, knowing that I'm at home in tears - and he doesn't care. Then he looks like the fun dad and I'm the crazy mom who they have to be saved from. And everyone thinks HE is the hero in the situation!"

• "He's emotionally abusive. Every time we argue, he just sits there silently and doesn't talk or get mad or do anything. He knows it infuriates me, but he keeps doing it!"

• "He's emotionally abusive. He loves to look at me with this smug grin on his face, even when I'm obviously mad at him." I ask, "You mean he does it when you're not mad too?" She answers, "Yeah, he's just smug all the time."

• "He's emotionally abusive. He told me if I tried to leave him, he'd fight for custody of the kids."

• "He's emotionally abusive. He told me that if I didn't handle this situation his way, he'd take the kids and live with his mom for a while." I asked, "Isn't that what you did when you filed for divorce two years ago before dismissing it?" She answers, "Yeah, but I'm the mother. That's different."

• "He's sexually abusive. He thinks I should have sex with him whenever he feels like it, and he'll try to pressure me to say yes." I ask, "Do you say yes or do you stand your ground?" She answers, "I always say yes. It wouldn't be abuse if I felt like I was allowed to say no."

• "He's sexually abusive. He made me give him blow jobs even though he knows I don't like it."

• "He's sexually abusive. He looks at me all the time, even when I don't want him to. It creeps me out."

• "He's sexually abusive. When we have sex, after he's finished he ends things and never tries to help me along, then makes me feel guilty for not finishing as fast as him. It makes me not want to have sex with him anymore." I ask, "So did you stop having sex with him or tell him you didn't want to?" She answered, "No. I just started finishing myself off afterward."

• "He's sexually abusive. He raped me many times during our marriage, forcing me to do all kinds of outrageous things, like blow jobs, hand jobs, and other stuff." I find peers in her congregation to confront her about these accusations. She tells them, "Oh, I made all that up. My attorney said I had to say those things to win custody."

• "He's financially abusive. He controls the check book and I have to ask for permission whenever I want to buy anything." I ask, "Has he ever said no to anything that you needed for daily living purposes?" She answered, "No."

• "He's financially abusive" as above (a common one). I ask the same question. She answers, "No." I ask, "Has he ever said no to anything you wanted to buy at all?" She answers, "No. But he still has all the power over the finances and I have none."

• "He's financially abusive. He keeps all the accounts in his name and refuses to let me know what's in the accounts." I ask, "Have you ever asked and he told you no?" She answers, "No. I don't feel like I'm allowed to ask. But he never gave me access."

• "He's financially abusive. He buys whatever he wants, like eating out for lunch while he's at work pretty much every day. But when I want to buy something, he always says no." I say, "Give me examples of things he's said no to." She answers, "Usually new decorations for the house." I ask, "Is he buying decorations for his man cave or his office?" She answers, "No, he doesn't value decore, and because he controls all the money, it means I can never have what I want, while he still gets to have whatever he wants." I ask, "And what is it, exactly, that he wants?" She answers, "Usually he just spends money on food." [Note: the guy wasn't even obese.]

• "He's financially abusive. He spends all our money, and then there's nothing left for basic needs. We're in so much debt." I ask, "What types of things does he buy?" She answers, "TVs, sound systems, video game systems, computer stuff." I ask, "Have you ever bought things like that for fun yourself?" She answers, "Yeah, he buys me a new smart phone every year. I also have a few ipads and a laptop. He likes to buy me jewelry too. He thinks I have to forgive him when he does that. But then when there's no money left for groceries, we end up having to put it on the credit card, and now I'm constantly in a panic over all the debt we've racked up. Can the courts make him stop? I can't handle the financial abuse."

• "He's financially abusive. He knows I can't afford this divorce, yet he keeps doing everything possible to ring up my attorney fees and make this case cost a small fortune." I think to myself, "No, you calling me for 3 hour chats 2-3 times a week to talk about your insecurities and not letting me hang up the phone is what's costing you a small fortune. Learn to shut up and this whole thing would have been 80% cheaper."

• "He's verbally abusive. He yells and screams and swears at me all the time." I ask, "Do you ever do it back?" She answers, "Yes."

• "He's verbally abusive. He lies all the time." I ask, "Do you have any proof of any of the lies you just told me about?" She answers, "No, he's really good at hiding things. And a lot of the stuff he lies about are smaller things just to get under my skin, not big things that would be provable."

• "He's verbally abusive. He calls me names and tries to make me feel bad about myself, telling me I'm worthless and that nobody could love me." I respond, "I'm really sorry to hear that. That sounds cruel. How did you handle it?" I thought she'd say she went to her room and cried. Her actual answer: "I know I shouldn't have done it, but I started breaking his things. I figured that if I wasn't worth anything, he couldn't have anything worth anything either. I get that I reacted poorly, but that doesn't change the fact that the way he talked to me was abuse, and I want the court to see that."

• "He's physically abusive. Just look at these pictures!" She pulls them out, I say, "Oh, that red mark on your neck?" She says, "No, that was a bug bite. It's the spot on my arm, where he hit me." I ask, "Oh, the dot right there?" She says, "No, the other arm." She points to a slight discoloration that I'm pretty sure was really just a shadow. I say, "Oh, the picture must just be faded too much to notice. Can you get me one with better resolution so the judge can see what you're pointing out?" After she gets me the better resolution copy the next day, I still couldn't see it. She didn't have any other angles of the shot (presumably because she couldn't get the shading just right from any other angle).

• "He's physically abusive. Look at the pictures of the bruises on my arm!" The pictures were entered as exhibits and showed very serious bruises. She added, "I took this video of him slamming a door on my arm repeatedly." It gets marked as an exhibit and played for the judge. The video shows the two arguing, then she drops her phone, so the video goes black, but audio can be heard of her screaming and a door slamming on her arm multiple times. Later at trial, I have my client on the stand presenting a video that he was taking simultaneously, showing her slamming the door on her own arm with an identical audio track.

• "He stalks me. He walks his dog in front of my house all the time." I ask, "How far away does he live?" She answers, "4 houses down."

• "He stalks me. He constantly posts things on Facebook directed to me and he won't stop." I ask, "Have you ever told him to stop?" She answers, "No." I ask, "How difficult has it been managing your social media account with him doing this?" She answers, "Oh, he doesn't actually tag me in any of them. I only find out about it because my friends tell me about it."

• "He stalks me. He used to take videos of us having sex together." I asked, "When did you find out about this?" She answers, "I mean, I agreed to it at first, but I didn't know he was still doing it after the first few times. Plus, I didn't know he had videos of other women too - and he didn't delete them after he broke up with them! He probably still has my video too. Don't you think that's creepy like a stalker? He's out there watching videos of me naked after we're divorced. The court has to realize that's stalking, right?" I ask, "Do you have any evidence that he's actually watching those videos?" She answers, "No." I ask where she found the videos, she answers, "In a box in our shed." I ask, "Does he know you found the videos?" She answers, "No." I ask, "So, in all probability, he thinks they're still packed away in a box in the shed and hasn't actually seen them in years, right?" She answers, "Yeah, I guess that makes sense."

In all of these situations, the women genuinely believed they were the victims of abuse. I 100% believe that they were being sincere in their allegations, despite that in most situations they did not come anywhere close to the actual legal standard of abuse. To that end, I have only used examples from cases where the allegation of abuse didn't actually get substantiated in court (except a few of them, where the cases are still pending, but it's not been an issue yet). I'm not here to increase panic about the divorce-rape boogey-man.

BONUS 1. Gender Reversal: "She filed a CPO against me saying I'm abusive, but she's the abusive one!" I ask, "How so?" He answers, "For example, when we would have sex, she'd make me choke her. I was really uncomfortable with it, but she'd pressure me saying she couldn't orgasm unless I was choking her hard enough that she was actually having trouble breathing."

BONUS 2. Parental Alienation [an EXTREMELY common conversation]: "He/she is alienating my kids from me! He/she lies about me, blames me for everything in front of the kids, keeps telling the kids I cheated on him/her, tells the kids it's my fault we're getting divorced, etc. This HAS to stop. Don't the courts care about parental alienation? I read online that this is a big deal and that the Courts will put a stop to it." I ask, "How's your relationship with your children?" They answer, "Oh, they love and adore me. Our relationship is very strong." I ask, "How's the other party's relationship with the kids." They answer, "Not very good. The kids really struggle being over there because of how bad of a person he/she is." I ask, "Given what you just said, who do you think the court will believe is the actual alienated parent?" They answer, "But they're doing it to themselves! I'm the one being alienated by all the things they say about me." I answer, "Give me 3 examples of how your relationship with the children has been irreparably harmed by those things." They never get past the first.

BONUS 3. Danger to the Child: "He doesn't love our daughter. It's so obvious. He's using a size 3 nipple, which I know is the manufacturer recommended, but she had acid reflux 6 months ago, so she should only be using a size 1 nipple on her bottles to limit the flow. How does the court not see that he just doesn't care about his daughter at all?" [Yes, this one's more exaggerated because of the way I summarized the conversation, but every claim I referenced is true, nonetheless.]

Caveats

In maybe 2-3 of these cases there were more significant things that came up and these were secondary rationales. But in the majority, these were the primary reasons given.

I also have a number of cases where the abuse was very, very real. This isn't to say that abuse doesn't actually happen. Rather, it's to show that women have a grossly inaccurate concept of what actual abuse looks like.

NOT The Point

My point here is not to make you afraid that all women will cry abuse just because they can. It's also not to make you afraid of abuse charges that she will inevitably contemplate at some point throughout your marriage. I'm also not trying to make you extra cautious of doing anything that could possibly be interpreted as abuse in court.

The Point

My point ACTUALLY IS that if a woman isn't attracted to you or (even if she is) she's decided to leave, she's going to be prone to interpret any negativity in the relationship as a form of abuse no matter what you do. Sometime her feelings will be legitimate in light of the circumstances. Don't be that guy, unless it's self-defense. But none of the things I referenced above went anywhere in court, no matter how fervently she pushed the issue (some cases pending). So, my conclusion for you guys is to look at a list like this and think to yourself:

• There's no point worrying about whether or not she's going to cry "Abuse!" someday. Just assume she will.

From there, the guys who fare best are the ones who make her second-guess why she's divorcing him in the first place. And yes, that second-guessing is EXTREMELY common as well, despite how few women are willing to admit it. But they tell their attorney everything along those lines too. This is one of the reasons it's so vital to maintain a firm "stay plan is the go plan" mentality if your marriage is falling apart - not in the hope that you might win her back, but because the things that would give you that chance are the same things that are going to tweak whether she cries "Abuse!" or "Aw, I'm going to miss how bold of a person he was."