The guy who gives zero fucks is the guy other men want to be and women want to be with. Everything he does disproportionately draws the attention of others. People imitate him not because he’s perfect, but because he’s comfortable with his imperfection.
Women want to be with him not because he’s unusually attractive but because he does not care whether women find him attractive. Others believe in him because he believes in himself. Other people call him confident, charismatic, and charming, not because he has some measurable quality that others don’t, but because everything he does reflects how little he worries about others ‘opinions. Some people hate him, but he doesn’t waste his time, energy, or emotion on those people.
He is free in all the ways everyone else isn’t, and we all envy what we falsely assume is his innate social superiority to most others.
If there is one thing that weighs us down in our social (and professional) lives, it is caring what other people think, and it has so much power over us because we’re afraid to admit how neurotic and obsessive we look to others for our own self-worth. Nearly everyone cares way too much, and it’s easy to see in other people.
You can see that your friend cares so much about whether his crush likes him back that he won’t ask her out. You can tell that your other friend is afraid to be free-spirited, and puts on a serious front because he’s afraid that people won’t approve of his genuine, goofy personality. It’s easy to see that your parents try to control you because they define their self-worth on your success (a success that they define).
We can tell that many people are so afraid of their faults that they won’t admit they exist, but can we see these kinds of behaviors in ourselves? Is it possible that we have a blindspot to accurately seeing our own flaws, that we have trouble admitting our own obsessive need to be approved by others? Might we be blind to our own blindness?
I think there’s strong evidence that most of us are, and that until we become aware of this, our efforts to improve our social lives are being built on a house of cards, we can’t become more socially confident until we accept the beliefs we don’t know we have that are making us act and feel so insecure. The aim of this article is to prove this.
I'm Jack's Need to Belong
Tyler Durden from Fight Club is the cultural icon for giving zero fucks. He genuinely did not care what anyone else thought, and because of this he had no desire to be nice, appropriate, or agreeable.
He laughed at what most people feared and he was so unafraid of social rejection and so at ease with his own imperfections that people admired him, even worshiped him.
Even though he is a fictional character that ran underground fight clubs (sorry for talking about it, but to be fair, everyone breaks the first rule), his character was so magnetically appealing that people in the real world started actual fight clubs based on the movie. Eight years after the movie’s release a fight club got started at my high school due to my best friend’s admiration for Tyler Durden and what he represented.
And what did this sociopathic cult-leader who didn’t care about anything, including himself represent? He put it best himself, when speaking to the narrator of the movie he said, “All the ways you wish you could be, that’s me. I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways you are not.”
Tyler Durden became a cultural icon because he represented total social and personal freedom, a freedom most of us envy, because deep down, we know we don’t have it. We care too fucking much about the opinion of others.
We’ve all been fed more than a decade’s worth of bullshit beliefs and values about what’s important and how we should act. Because we were fed these beliefs in our formative years, we’ve accepted these beliefs as our own because not to do so would put us at war with ourselves. Let’s expose that bullshit which is unconsciously choking our ability to interact with others as our most genuine and charismatic selves.
We’ve all known a few of those guys who just don’t care what other people think, and secretly or not, we wish we had what they have (and many people pretend to not care to show that they do have this). There’s nothing terribly special about these guys that are envied, they just have a mindset that allows them to have deep confidence in themselves.
The Power of Mindset
Most self-improvement advice focus on the external, this makes sense because all we can observe is the external. If you want to be more charismatic, a book might teach you how to make good eye contact, that tone of voice to speak with, or how to power-pose to exude confidence.
There is some truth to this flavor of advice, strong eye contact and open body language do show confidence. But, having put years and thousands of hours of conscious effort into a medley of these techniques and ‘tricks’ to build confidence, I can say they’re not very effective, and even miss the point entirely.
There are a few problems with this kind of practical advice, firstly, to make a change like this stick, you have to practice long enough to make it into an automatic habit, and in most cases, that just isn’t going to happen. Recent research has shown that it takes 66 days of conscious effort to make a new habit. Are you going to consciously practice a new type of body language for 66 days? Does anyone actually do this? It’s extremely unlikely, it takes too much faith and discipline.
Even worse, in the process of learning this technique, you’re going to appear and even feel less confident before you reap its social benefits. The act of monitoring your body language is bringing your attention to the fact that you don’t like your body language, and that you need to fix it to come across the way you want to come across.
But there’s an even worse limitation to this kind of advice. We attribute charisma and confidence to the external symptoms, things we can see, like someone’s body language, how a person talks, how they listen, and their eye contact. But what really makes them different isn’t something you can see, it’s something that is completely invisible, it’s their mindset.
The lens someone with deep confidence see the world through is qualitatively different than the lens most people see the world through. It’s because of that lens that these people naturally act in more visibly confident ways. External traits like word choice, body language, and the quality of your voice are the tip of the iceberg, they’re the 1% of confidence that you can see with your eyes, but the vast majority of what makes people who are deeply self-confident different is what lay beneath the surface. The external attributes are the symptoms of confidence, the mindset is the cause.
Do you think people who are extremely self-confident, who don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks are worried about their body language or the tone of the voice? No, they don’t even consider things like this worthy of their attention. They are so confident BECAUSE they don’t monitor themselves, because they don’t feel their external behaviors are lacking in any way. They believe they’re already good enough, and because of this, they act in ways that appear confident.
Scientific research on mindsets has found that a simple mindset intervention can make changes that last a lifetime. In one study, psychologist Jeremy Jamieson tested the power of mindset. He split students into two groups (which were randomly assigned/controlled for GPA and SAT scores) and gave the first group a mindset intervention to change their minds about test anxiety before having them take a practice standardized test.
The intervention was a simple lecture in which Jamieson showed the students evidence that test anxiety wasn’t a bad thing. And that in fact, research has shown high stress-levels can improve performance, therefore you shouldn’t resist test anxiety, but embrace it, it can actually help you.
Jamieson hoped that this message would boost students’ performance, and it worked, students in the mindset intervention group performed significantly better on the test than did the other students who received no lecture.
Over the next several months, the students took the GRE and sent their scores to Jamieson’s team, not only did students who received the mindset intervention do better than those who did not, the difference in scores was larger than it had been with the practice test. Implying that the effect had grown stronger over time.
I know this sounds too good to be true, I thought the same thing when I first learned about mindset interventions, but that study is one of hundreds of studies that have shown the uncanny power of mindset, and that have shown they can easily be changed.
In a 1998 study, 30,000 American adults were asked how much stress they experienced the past year and whether they believed stress was harmful. Those who had a high amount of stress over the past year and believed that stress was harmful had a 43% higher of dying than those who didn’t believe stress was harmful. Even more shockingly, those who had high levels of stress, but believed stress was not harmful were less likely to die over the next eight years than those who had relatively low levels of stress, but believed that stress was harmful. In short, your mindset about stress affects the physical impact that stress has on you, to the point where it significantly affects your chance of dying over the next eight years.
In another study, researcher Alia Crum found that simply being told that housework is a good form of exercise reduced maids’ body fat percentage and blood pressure significantly compared to maids that were not told this.
This is just scratching the surface of mindset research, but what it’s found is that meaningful, lasting change can be facilitated through a simple mindset intervention that takes as few as five minutes to complete. Psychologists have found, time and time again, that our real-world outcomes are determined by unconscious mindsets, beliefs that in many cases we aren’t even aware we have.
Most people have mindsets that cause them to act in unconfident and often neurotic ways. You’re not afraid to approach a girl because you didn’t do a power pose to boost your confidence, you’re afraid to approach a girl because of beliefs you have about yourself that feel real because you’ve had them for years.
Change your belief systems, and the rest will take care of itself over time. This doesn’t mean change is easy, it takes a lot of honest self-reflection and requires you to develop an ability to question your most deeply rooted assumptions about yourself.
(part two will show how low self-esteem mindsets play out without our conscious awareness, and explain how you can start to root out these limiting beliefs)
PS:
(If you'd like to be kept up to date on parts two and three when they're released in in the coming days, check out http://socialinception.net/ just sign up the newsletter on the site)
Hjalmbere 6y ago
Bollocks. I've met a few people who didn't give a fuck about anything and the reason was that they lacked motivation. Uninteresting.
Fraita 6y ago
My weakest attribute is that I've got weak frame and can't control my "emotions" (?).
Just an example is when some one is yelling, questioning my decision/view or I get in some lively argumentation. I start looking down to the floor because I get watery/tears in my eyes? I don't necessarily feel threatend and could proably stand my ground because of the logic, but when my eyes start feeling teary/watery I can't proceed arguing because it looks like I cry.
Does anyone have/had same problem? How to fix it, I loose much confidence/frame because I can't win with this weakness. Just because it looks like i'm going to cry if I argue over what we should do this weekend...
Bent6789 6y ago
Don't have shouting arguments.
[deleted] 6y ago
It's anxiety man. I used to be like that when I was young. All you can do is make yourself accustomed to situations that make you anxious.
Purposefully put yourself in situations that test your frame. Practice makes perfect, you will grow as a person and learn to handle people a lot better.
circlhat 6y ago
I had the same issue it happens because of past physiological trauma where someone was able to simply yell or make false claims and you lost.
Your subconscious is letting you know logic means nothing, the one who
For me my PSTD stems from a false sexual harassment accusation when I was a child and no one believed me, being calm, mild manner, having witnesses nothing mattered, so when someone accuses me of something false I have a fear of not being able to speak my part and try to rush as quickly as I can
This is because I blame myself for not doing enough to prove my innocents, I have gotten better at it with not taking people to seriously or feeling like my life is going to end because I lost a argument
Aghayden 6y ago
Emotions aren't intrinsically bad, it's resisting them that makes them gain power over you. Sounds like you're at war with your emotions, and the harder you fight them, the more power you give them. Personally, I do a mindfulness meditation where I intentionally experience and lean into negative emotions to build a habit of non-resistance to them.
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Fraita 6y ago
Thanks for the comment!
I can really imagine how I would say somthing like that (sideway grin and look them in the eye with a playful/evil smile), I guess you really need to have such a strong frame that they wont "counter punch" it. Especially for someone like me that not yet master this.
Thanks! Will save this comment also
EDIT: And I promised my self today that I will also start with some kind of martial arts, so I also feel confident if somthing would escalate when being an asshole.
MessianicJuice 6y ago
Why do you get into shouting arguments so frequently? If it's with people you're around a lot (family, friends, coworkers) either cut them out of your life or find another job or whatever. You don't need to take abuse brah.
Fraita 6y ago
Well, it's not necissarly shouting arguments. It can just be that me and the opponent have very diffrent opinions.
But I cant go through life skipping arguments, decision making etc.
And It dosent infuse much confident if I cant stand my ground. A girl would totally roll me over
EDIT: I got good attributes to be leader of some kind (bussines, social hierarchy etc). And its hard not to get challenged as a leader.
For years I've always been the guy that swoops into new groups, get high social hierarchy but then someone get annoyed and start challange me and I lose, and my social hierarchy goes into a downward spiral. Then I change group and same thing happen.
greatslyfer 6y ago
Social hierarchy... man it's a group of friends, this shit shouldn't matter if you're having fun with them.
If you are truly friends with a group of people there should barely be any difference in each one's social ranking. Point is they're friends are your friends because you enjoy spending time with them, not that you have to worry about how you place in the social hierarchy from their standpoint.
dodiat 6y ago
I can really relate to what you're talking about here. I used to struggle pretty badly during in-school debates and discussions because whenever another person would oppose or refute a point I made, my tear ducts would puff up and I would lose the desire to retort and stand my ground, even when I genuinely wanted to talk. My mind would be bombarded with thoughts like: "no ones gonna agree with you" "im probably not even right" "what if you look stupid" ad infinitum. The paralysis is real.
As the author asserts, a sharp change in mind set is the way one opens the oyster to pry the pearl of endless self-confidence. We have complete autonomy over our thoughts, yet many people forget this essential fact and let their ego-driven hindbrain ravage their mind with echoes of past criticism and failure. One must tell himself everyday that he is the king of himself, his world, and his destiny; We ourselves hold the pencil by which we write our life's story everyday. It's up to us to snatch the pencil away from all the other things that WE LET determine our fate and grasp it with fervent zeal, never letting go and always remembering that YOU are the only person who should ever be writing the book of your life.
Another thing that helps me conquer my doubt it the idea that we can truly do anything we want. I could throw the glass of milk im drinking right now at the wall and scream out like Tarzan if I really wanted to. I could walk out of my classroom in the middle of a lecture, grab all my books, and hitchhike to Mexico and live as a hobo or a campesino for the rest of my life. Of course these are silly examples, but they are true; all laws crafted by men are non-existent, they are simply constructs of the mind. I can do anything I can conceive that isn't against the laws of nature. This gives me strength, it gives me power. Freedom is power, and power is God. God lives within us every second and is manifested in the form of our free will. The positive, healthy narcissism that makes "that guy" is developed within ourselves every time we act in accordance with the Way, or in other words, whenever we think positive, strong, powerful, self confident thoughts. Over time, as we continuously exercise that power, it hypertrophies just as our muscles do, except our potential for growth is infinite.
My dad used to always say: "fake it till you make it." That has also worked phenomenally for me. Just tell yourself you're the shit all the time and eventually you will come to accept it and embrace it. Not only that, it will motivate you to align your thoughts and words with the last, most important aspect of your life: your deeds. With these three things focused like a laser upon your purpose, you will mow down your obstacles like you got an AK in your grip. Think you're the shit, you'll become the shit (that good shit ;))
For further reading, I recommend you research The Nine Laws by Ivan Throne. I certainly must thank Mr. Throne for a lot of the ideas I shared in this post; his book is impeccable and is a great for building the foundation for an unstoppable mindset. Fill the mind with positive, strong ideas and soon your actions will be righteous and glorious.
Next time you feel the knife of doubt plunging into your heart, smile and remember that you are hold the knife and can take it out whenever you want. It will be painful, it will be difficult, but soon they shall become the old scars of a war against yourself, a war that you will have won in a glorious moment of ultimate triumph. We must conquer ourselves before we can conquer anything else, so always strive to craft your confidence through positive self talk and personal achievement. If Malcolm X can go from uneducated, drug peddling, addict nobody to the savvy, strong willed, well-spoken and intelligent leader of the American civil rights movement against the endless institutions of oppression meant to destroy him, we can all gather the strength and the confidence to talk to hot bitches and stand our ground in a debate.
Abundance mentality, patience and discipline, healthy narcissism, and the Way. Learn these, and the universe shall gift you with endless success and fulfillment.
Fraita 6y ago
I must say... Wow!
Thank you for the insightful comment, really made me think back to old scenarios and how some of the stuff you said probably could have changed the outcome.
And also how I should change my thinking today, I already felt more powerful when I was sitting on the bus and adept the mentality (sure, it's a smal start. But if I keep doing it everyday it can probably change some stuff :) )
I'm going to save this comment so I can read it when I feel "low" on confidence.
Thanks
dodiat 6y ago
Thank you man. i'm so glad I could help.
Remember, every great tree was once a small seed, so keep on working and improving everyday and you shall soon rise up and conquer life. I'm grinding with you, we all are, and we got your back. Onwards!
a_nus 6y ago
I've thought about the topic of caring about what others think of you, often. I used to think the goal was to not give a fuck, but as I've thought about it more, I've concluded that the goal is not to stop caring about what others think about you, but to care about the right things, at the right times, and at the right amount.
You must not care to a degree that it'll make you anxious, therefore rendering the care counterproductive. But you must care intelligently as to be able to guide your actions to increase the likelihood of meeting your goals within social situations.
"You care too much about what others think." Keywords: too much. We can all agree this is bad.
"You care about what others think." Though the wording difference is subtle, the underlying meaning changes completely.
I don't think any mentally stable human being can and should completely stop caring about what others think about them. The problem arises when you care too much, about the wrong things, or at illogical times. This type of counter-productive caring goes hand in hand with anxiety, which is the core issue here. Not caring in and of itself.
noct3rn4l 6y ago
You broke the first 2 rules of fight club bruh
TheMinistryOfAwesome 6y ago
I mean come on... it's quite obvious.
The first 2 rules of fight club are in place specifically to enable (enabling, rather than allowing) people to break rules. They're there to encourage it and lead the members down the path.
Shakydrummer 6y ago
I have a buddy who has always had that natural aloofness/uncaring attitude. We were hanging out seeing a show once, and all he did was go grab a beer while one of the bands was playing and came back with 3 numbers. Same when we used to work at the same place - half the women there wanted to fuck him. He doesn't game really hard or anything, but it's that attitude and energy he puts out that does the trick. Definitely something to learn from.
Breezymcsneezy 6y ago
The Charisma Myth covers a lot of this. If you're aiming to exude more warmth, power, charm, be more attractive, confident etc. Then take a read of this book.
Charisma is a skill you can cultivate.
The book focuses on an internal mindset shift to accomplish it because as you said in your post conscious external changes are not sustainable.
Frenetic_Zetetic 6y ago
Can't wait for part 2. This is the stuff I try to convey to on-the-verge-of-tipping-BP friends. I'll be bookmarking your website.
TermsOfColors 6y ago
No. I just prefer to associate with people like me, and in my interactions with people who may disagree, even violently, with my belief systems, I just don't care. It's really nothing to do with me.
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Drakane1 6y ago
This has ti do what jordan p talked about that when people are stressed they are reacting to an unfavorable position that is they are the prey animal' but when they see their action as attempting to solve they become predetor which makes them feel better. its the reason why ptsd is lower in people who take action than those who react listen to jre jbp
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Aghayden 6y ago
Everything is an oversimplification when looked at through a microscope, it's up to you to be able to put an idea into a larger context with all its nuances and subtleties.
Trying to not give a fuck is something people do to prove they don't care when they care too much, I agree. But that doesn't mean there aren't people who actually don't care much what other people think of them, people who aren't reliant on social validation do exist.
Honestly, it's up to you to be able to not take ideas to their hyperbolic extremes, if you think what i'm describing here is going to get you killed or in prison, you're interpreting it weirdly.
Your points have merit when looking at this as a black and white issue, but it's not, it's that most people care too much what others think and would benefit from moving towards the other end of the spectrum.
SpecOpsAlpha 6y ago
The people who come back to read part 2 are already developing a better mindset.
Koryphae_ 6y ago
Using this 'mental intervention' technique, how would you personally, for example, talk to yourself to get over sugar cravings? Would you try to embrace the graving for what it is or something else? Care to weigh in?
Need2LickMuff 6y ago
What worked for me giving up sugar was acknowledging my cravings for what they were so I could re-establish myself and work through them.
Aghayden 6y ago
That's tough because sugar is physiologically addictive. The most effective way (based on psychological research) to break quit something like this is similar to what I wrote about here, it's called acceptance and commitment therapy.
The extremely basic way to look at it is that you embrace your cravings but make a commitment to act in spite of them. The cravings become overwhelming when you try to deny their existence. I can't really explain it adequately here though, there's a book called Break Free, acceptance and commitment therapy in 3 steps that covers how to do this in detail.
francisco_DANKonia 6y ago
I think there needs to be a different term than " not giving a fuck" because if people really didn't give a fuck, they would never do anything productive.
[deleted] 6y ago
Mark Manson's new book is about this. It's all about choosing where to give your limited amount of fucks.
Alawishus 6y ago
Lol. Is this...i mean are you serious?