A few days ago I had a small conversation with an old friend. I did not even think about discussing relationships with him as I knew that he never "got" it , but I guess he wanted to brag. He told me how his sex life started being increasingly better with his 6 month girlfriend after she proposed that they do BDSM where he is the dom. She gave him a list of things that he should do to her (spank her , bite her neck , rip clothes , dirty talk) and he should not do (no soft fucking , no ropes , no hitting of the tits).
I told him that I am really happy for him and told him to keep fucking her hard. No more , no less.
This guy who has always been a passive , unmotivated yet very intelligent lad is now a Dom. Because his girl wanted him to be a Dom. And she has even told him what to do as a Dom. And what not to. So much about being dominant , eh?
This makes BDSM (or their view of it) gynocentric because it is exclusively focusing on the female. Naturally dominant men don't discuss the rules of their dominance with women. Or anyone for that matter.
There is not much to be said about a 6 month relationship where the sex has died and is now being revived. Althought I do not know his girlfriend , I honestly believe that she just wants to have enjoyable sex with a person who has been submissive his whole life. Finding someone who is play acting "Dominant" attractive is something new , however.
But when you think about it , many AFCs , after having found TRP , start acting more dominantly when speaking of sex and relationships are not met with the best of results. This happens mainly because they have been clueless their whole relationships and making a leap from starfish to hardcore fucking is just not going to happen that easily and can turn your woman off. Neither will you ordering your LTR around work.
One way to resolve this issue is to naturally evolve from a submissive guy to an assertive one while using dread. You need desire , right? Dread builds that desire to fuck you. Assertiveness tells her how and when. Ask her to do things for you untill you are just telling her to do them. Reward and punsih behaviour as you should. It's a long process of regaining power which is increasingly difficult for all those who started beta.
Perhaps the most appropriate strategy here is to start a relationship as a naturally dominant man. Fake it 'till you make it applies. Fuck her hard , spank her , tie her , talk dirty with her all from the beginning. Give her orders. Tell her what to do and what not.
You can steal ideas from the BDSM scene but do not let your woman know that. I love tying my woman up , smacking her and etc but I would not go into BDSM lingo with her / safeword her and what else. But you should always give her comfort after a rough fuck.
EDIT : I don't use a safeword because I don't do BDSM. I steal ideas from it. Also my LTR is normal enough to tell me if I've crossed a line. That's how normal dominant sex looks. Have you ever played fighting with someone, hit him too hard and he told you that it hurt? Or did you tell him that it was BDSM? I stick my dick in my woman, not Pepsi bottles.
WhorehouseVet 7y ago
Be "dominant, aggressive, and strong".
Those were the 3 words my first one night laid Tinder girl told me when I asked her how was it, after incorporating the sex god method. I'll never forget those 3 words...
Emperor_Crimson 7y ago
Could you make a post about it? A theory vs. practice kind of post.
Dio_Brando_Joestar 7y ago
do you have a link to this book?
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failingtheturingtest 7y ago
Hahahahah. Good for you, but seriously, don't ask that shit! It's about as good as "did you come baby?"
You should already know the answer to that, and she should be singing your praises without your prodding. Anything short of that and it wasn't good enough.
Emperor_Crimson 7y ago
You don't even know how he did it, man. Stop assuming that you can't do stuff because it's "beta move", everything depends on the context.
failingtheturingtest 7y ago
That's just like, you're opinion, man.
If you want to hold hands, pat each other on the back and congratulate yourselves for getting laid, go right ahead. But this here is sexual strategy for masculine men.
The optimum solution is to not ask her if it was ok.
If you can't tell if it was ok, how can you tell if she's being honest?
She either says no, in which case it would be a hit to his self esteem, or she says yes in which case he feels like a sex God.
And either way, he will adjust what he does in the future based in the words of a one night tinder lay.
And her words are based off whatever she feels serves her interest at the time. Was he the best she ever had? Then maybe she downplays it so he doesn't get cocky and wants to try again to change her kind. Was he rubbish, but he was being so awkward that she just wants to say the polite thing and end the conversation without conflict?
As you said, we don't know the context. But we do know he's dealing with an emotional being, not a logical one.
Just because you don't understand why doing things is considered counter productive, doesn't mean that you should defend them.
Emperor_Crimson 7y ago
Once again, context. You're assuming the context when you try to limit the possibilities of her motives to these three cases.
The truth is that, often, it isn't difficult to assess the truthfulness of a woman, that is why ignoring gut feeling is such a beta trait and seduction becomes way easier when you are aware of the subtext, because women generally reveal themselves through it. When she is telling the truth, you know she's telling the truth.
mi1a 7y ago
I've always been a little controlling in bed, but my first real experience where I'd consider myself dominant was a hate fuck. I didn't really hate her, but she was an ex, and I was pissed off at the shitty games she played when we were in a relationship. This was after 6 months or so of being broken up and no contact. The sex was way more enjoyable for both of us, and whereas she was just having a good time before, she couldn't get enough this time.
Another girlfriend, now my wife, asked me to be dominant, and encouraged me to try things I'd never imagined doing before. I really got into it for me, not her, and we developed a very fun and kinky relationship.
A warning though: If a girl tells you she wants you to be in charge, and teaches you how to do so, your dominance is merely a facade that she can remove at any time. Focus on improving yourself, be the attractive guy she wants to submit to, not just the dude who happened to indulge her desire to be dominated.
sezamus 7y ago
There is a trap... not every woman wants rough sex.
Some of them are more romantic/passion oriented like in romantic movies - that makes them climax. I know girls who don't like hair grabbing and doggystyle when some other scream "harder!".
Adjust your action to her type.
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failingtheturingtest 7y ago
My rule of thumb is not to simply cave in to demands, but do incorporate it into my repertoire.
Example. A newish plate likes some rough play on her tits/nipples. She told me once to squeeze harder, I did, she moaned. She said harder again, I went harder, she moaned harder. That was fun.
Next time I played with her tits, she said harder again. So I pushed her down on the bed, looked her in the eyes and said "I'll go harder when I feel like it. And you'll wait till then" she moaned even harder.
There's a difference between sharing preferences and giving orders. Sometimes it's useful to have preferences known. But when it becomes "do this now" it's a clear no, I decide how I fuck you.
[deleted] 7y ago
Being dominant in bed is a no brainer. Women cum harder and quicker when you pull their hair and fuck them hard. Any guy who cannot pick up on obvious signs like her moaning and writhing in pleasure as you amp up the dominance, is not really a man. He is just masturbating into a woman who is having sex with him for unknown reasons (such as money or duty sex).
Sir_Distic 7y ago
I disagree. There's nothing wrong with discussing rules and limits with a sub. I've known women who love their asses turned purple but hate humiliation play. Etc.
NeoreactionSafe 7y ago
All power is done in the darkness of another person's ignorance.
If a woman "gives" the man a few "tricks" it's like a sort of extended masturbation on her part because she is giving him knowledge of the masculine role.
How do we teach the masculine?
Hmmmm... we try... "Kill the Beta" is a start.
Poofysmoof 7y ago
Like the example "hard to go beta to Alpha." I went Alpha to beta, I had no idea then I found you gentlemen and I'd like to give this sub credit for saving a family. Had no idea I had it right the first time, beta traits even affect the kids.
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Poofysmoof 7y ago
I was Alpha to my oldest, problem was she was a girl. She's already hurt one beta bad, she's basically a man with resentment towards my harshness but she's a badass women. Out of the house right after high school, pays her own way for everything. Putting her self through college, but she complained about how harsh I was with her and I took it too heart. Developed beta traits raising my boy and after finding out what I was doing wrong he doesn't know what the heck hit him. His grades were suffering his attitude was weak but now I gave him the Alpha treatment. I can now say I'm raising a Alpha man, only problem his grades are doing a yoyo because all the attention he's getting now from girls. I'm working on that because well we all know male teenage sex drive is a bitch, priorities.
ActiveAvocado 7y ago
While I agree that true dominance doesn't come from a "submissive" telling a person what to do, there should still always be a way out for the submissive party. Yes, fuck her hard, but let her have a safe word so she doesn't have serious mental or physical damage associated with it. Consent is ongoing, and as soon as she's uncomfortable and wants out but you don't let her, it's rape, not sex.
Fancy_Bits 7y ago
I can't remember ever posting in TRP (I stick to RPW), but this post is so damn ignorant I decided to. Ethical, responsible, mature Doms do, because they know the best way to have partners who they can do really kinky, wild, dirty shit with is by talking about what they both want before doing it. Otherwise you're opening yourself up for a huge liability the moment she turns around and screams that you assaulted her.
There is no state in the US where consensual BDSM will save your ass in court if she brings charges against you. My Captain regularly lights my ass up with bruises, has broken the skin with canes, crops, floggers, we play with shock collars, and all kinds of other shit. If I wanted to I could trash his world and he puts a huge amount of trust in me to not do that, just like I put a huge amount of trust in him to not choke me to death or maim me during our play. BDSM can be really dangerous, and idiots who pretend that jumping in without negotiations or talking about it at all is the best way to go about it are the fucksticks who end up in court or seriously injured.
How do you vet your partner to make sure she's not full-on crazy? Put your dick down and make sure you know what she wants, that she has a safe word, and that you don't move so fast that now you have an assault charge on your hands.
I'm in a 24/7 D/s relationship (specifically M/s, which is the most "intense" or "strict" kind), but I started out with one. We discussed a while what our kinks were, our biggest limits and boundaries, before we did anything. He checked in with me during our first play sessions until he could learn to read me, and play afterwards we both give lots of reinforcement and comfort to both as the more intense play takes a lot out of both people. Dom-crash can be just as severe as sub-crash.
He sometimes asks me to do things, but unless he specifically says it isn't an order, it is an order whether he phrases it as such or not. I'm his good little house bitch, doing the cooking, cleaning, and dropping to my knees with a snap of his fingers. I ask him for permission to change my schedule, if I want to invite folks over, or if I want us to attend a particular event. He is Alpha through and through, and most of our circle of friends are made of up other couples (and single folks) who are in or are seeking male-led hetero D/s relationships. All of these men are Dominant Alphas who are well versed in BDSM and what Dominance entails, and know full well the importance of consent and negotiations before getting rough.
Now, if you just want to play real light and consider some spanking, a hand around her throat, maybe tying her up with a silk belt as "BDSM," then fine, whatever. Go play your games. But if you want to run with the big boys, and really get into Dominance in the BDSM sense, then you need to fucking learn what it really is, both the risks, rewards, and about negotiations.
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Fancy_Bits 7y ago
I really appreciate your understanding of my speaking "out of turn" so to speak. I very much agree with you that this is a male space, and that women's voices aren't generally appropriate or welcome here.
I think this may be the first time I've posted here. I'm not entirely sure as I've lurked in TRP for years - but I feel I have to speak very aggressively here to be taken seriously, and that is very foreign and uncomfortable for me, so honestly the idea of posting here intimidates me!
The egregiousness of the OP's post broke through that barrier, but after this I plan to go back to quietly (and safely) lurking :-)
Vapeo 7y ago
Here's a tip.
Stick to RPW lol
Fancy_Bits 7y ago
Here's a tip.
Putting "lol" after something makes you sound like a 12 year old. Have some confidence in your insults. If you don't have the balls to say it without being able to hide behind "I was just joking, didn't you see me say 'lol'?" then don't bother. It's better to appear a beta than to type out "lol" and remove all doubt.
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krypticNexus 7y ago
I don't think he was joking, he was probably just laughing at your post.
DonaldBaelish 7y ago
The aim of this post is to discuss natural dominance as something vital in interpersonal relationships. It is not to concentrate on BDSM as a kink , but the concept of BDSM that my old friend understood.
As you wish , I will take the bait. The problem with BDSM is that the whole Dominance / Submissiveness is a play. You are a "dom" in life or you are not. And all those power switches are rather disgusting when speaking of males being "subs" getting "dominated" by women.
The thing is , I am in a LTR where my woman is fundamentally my good little house bitch without having her sign any contract. I can do that all alone , but why have a bitch then? If you are going to be a woman in my life , you will be told what to do without any negotiations. I don't know about your situation , but my last LTRs loved it and my now LTR is the same. They have been rewarded and they have been punished.
I never spoke about running with big boys in my post and I do not want to do that. Not the biggest fan of wannabe dominant people who attend sex dungeons.
Fancy_Bits 7y ago
I'm quoting you directly here dude -
You're talking about doing something that is technically illegal (striking her.) Doing so without at least a discussion about what is tolerated and a safeword is straight out dumb unless you're doing it at the lowest level. Advocating for no one to use a safeword is even more idiotic and shows you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
You don't have to sit down and discuss every little thing - "Can I smack your ass playfully? Can I tug your hair?" But at the very least ask some basic things - "Are you a wildcat behind closed doors?" and "Is there anything physical limitations I need to know about?" For instance, what if she has a shoulder injury and if you try to pin her arms behind her you're going to cause serious pain or further injury? Let her know how to signal she needs you to slow down or stop, like "if it gets to much you just say 'yellow' or 'red." You aren't giving her all the control, you're being a decent human being and letting her know that you give a shit about her safety and also protecting yourself from a potentially serious legal situation. You don't have to do this before fucking her, but before getting into anything more rough at least check in.
You know how women can say it hurts, or they don't want something but they do, or act like they aren't sure they want something but they want you to take over and do it anyway? That is why a safeword is so damn important. A safeword allows a girl to give up even more control while still having a safety check.
Over time you can drop the safeword. I don't have a safeword with my Master, but I started with one
No bait, just contesting your blatant ignorance and bad advice.
It can be. Some folks only do it during scenes or in the bedroom. Some folks (like myself and my Master) do it 24/7. It is not a play for either of us. I have known I was a submissive since I was a teenager. In every relationship I have been in I have been a submissive. Hell, I was in a 14-year marriage with a beta male and I still was submissive to him and played the 1950s housewife (while still working full time) because that is my nature. After we divorced I vowed to never be with anyone who isn't a Dom/Master because I cannot be happy except in a 24/7 D/s relationship.
Agreed - but that is separate from being a Dom in the bedroom, which is what you are referencing by saying Dom/sub is play. Those of us who are in 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationships are engaging in our very nature, not doing play.
WTF is a "power switch?" People can be switches, there are female Dommes, and male submissives. Those are gynocentric relationships, which certainly isn't the focus of TRP. I believe we can all agree that those aren't the relationships that we want to be in, so I'm not sure why those need to be discussed any further.
I don't Dom or sub to women period, except at the command of my Master. I switch with my girlfriends who also Top in regards to Top and bottoming, which is different from Dom and sub. Top/bottom refers only to sadomasochism without any sort of power exchange - and when I do it with my girlfriends, its pretty fucking awesome and incredibly hot. My Master enjoys it too, and sometimes he will direct whoever is the Top or even join in the Topping. He never bottoms himself of course.
1) Contracts aren't legally binding, and so have little to no use.
2) What people generally refer to as contracts is a document setting out expectations. That can be useful for both to refer to, but in general very few use them. Part of training is learning those expectations, protocol, and methodology and that is general done over several months. I have never had a contract, never plan on having one, and wouldn't find any use in one.
3) BDSM contracts are something the vanilla world plays up but really don't exist in kink except in very rare circumstances. It's effectively a snipe hunt.
That is my situation - except there were negotiations. Because he needs to know my hard limits (which are very few and we share all of my hard limits, so in effect I have no hard limits with him.) I also started out with a safe word because it is important for me to be able to signal him when we play when things are getting too intense before he ends up causing injury or psychological harm. You don't break your toy if you want to play with it again.
Over time, I lost my safeword with him as we built trust and understanding. He knows me well enough, and I know his rules and expectations enough, that I have given up the protection of the safeword.
I am not allowed to tell him no or refuse to do something (unless it is a safety issue, and I need to explain myself to him), I have to answer all of his questions, I do not call him by his first name except in vanilla company. He is very strict, and we both love it. We regularly host events, including large events where I am Alpha slave with multiple beta slaves who serve under me to cater to our guests. We mentor other individuals and couples in the D/s lifestyle and protocol, he additionally mentors in bondage and Topping, and I mentor in hostessing.
But we came to this via negotiations and a safeword for the safety of both of us, legally, emotionally, and physically.
Says the person wannabe dominant who thinks using a safeword gives a woman too much power.
As someone who attends "sex dungeons," (shout out to the CSPC in Seattle) they're pretty awesome. I dig watching women get naked, fucked, tied up, and worked over with various floggers, canes, claws, etc until orgasm. I enjoy even more being that woman, both with my Master and with other women.
But that's just me.
DonaldBaelish 7y ago
You US lads have it rough with all those sexual assault and rape accusations.
You are way into the whole BDSM scene. I'm just a guy that fucks women hard and gives them orders.
You can't understand the message of the post. Be a good sub and shut up.
Fancy_Bits 7y ago
Yes, which makes it even more important to be smart when they play, and make sure they understand fully the level of consent and use safewords.
True.
And that's fine, but don't be giving advice when you don't know what the fuck you're talking about because all you do is fuck them hard and give orders.
I understand it just fine, just like I understand (like so many others in the thread criticizing your bullshit about not using a safeword) that you're recommending dangerous practices.
You do realize that what everyone is taking issue with about your post is you advocating not negotiating and discussion desires, and saying you shouldn't use a safeword, right? That people (myself included) don't take issue with the theory, but with you advocating a dangerous practice?
Per my Master, I am allowed and encouraged to rip into quasi-Doms, ignorant fucks, and disprespectful twats to my little subbie hearts content.
Of course, if you knew jackshit, you'd know that submissives are not submissive to all Doms. They are submissive to the man or men they have agreed to submit to. To everyone else, they are on equal footing. I am not your sub, you have zero authority or control over me. In fact, if I did submit to you I'd be violating my Dom's orders and earn myself a serious punishment as he is the only one who can controls who I submit to.
So sit your ass down, stop pretending like you're some authority on being a Dom, and learn from those who truly practice it and know about safety. It doesn't have to be from me, but at least learn from someone before you hurt someone or land your ass in jail on an assault charge.
NipperSlipperShaun 7y ago
Sounds like you're a teenage kid who doesn't actually have any experience related to what you're talking about.
420KUSHBUSH 7y ago
I remember when I overheard a few girls talking about how they were into bondage, and I thought that there was no way I could be that aggressive. After reading RP and listening to other people's personal experiences, I've learned that being dominant is a necessity.
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Fancy_Bits 7y ago
You don't. You can try to read her, but without experience of knowing her cues, it is difficult and dangerous. You can very quickly move from play into assault without ever knowing it.
Pleasure and pain run along the same neural pathways, and they intermingle so much that determining the two purely based on sound and body language alone in a stranger is impossible.
A safeword is as part and parcel of safe play as using a condom is for safer sex. Only a fool would play without a safeword, at least at first.
dankDunk42 7y ago
Why don't you and everyone that takes this Fucking cult shit seriously just go kill themselves for the love of fucking god
Ban please
SetConsumes 7y ago
You're so kind, I bet you're dripping in pussy.
dankDunk42 7y ago
Life's not about "notches on the belt" you sad pathetic cunt
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SetConsumes 7y ago
Yelling at the wrong person. I'm not a slut and don't live for pussy.
Wait what? Men of TRP radically vary?
No fucking way.
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