Summary:

I am writing this post to remind men that shit tests will never end and can come at any time; often when things are their best.

Intro:

Whether you are 15, 25, 30, 40, 50, 60, etc. They will always be there, get used to them, in fact learn to enjoy them. It means that she is invested in you or looking to invest.

When I was younger (early 20s) being shit tested used to bother me, I usually responded well, but was bothered by the fact that she was trying to run me, “who does she think she is?!” In fairness, I had good older male role models who instilled some basic understanding of “don’t let a chick boss you around” from a young age.

Now, I’m grateful, all those shit tests were just helping me to build and hold my frame. The more difficult the shit test, I either passed it and it reinforced my frame or I failed and learned something.

For most on this sub, being aware of and properly handling shit tests is a common occurrence, especially in the early dealings with a woman (pick up, opening, one-night stands, short term relationships). In the early stages, they are generally obvious and pretty easy to spot (for the most part).

Theory:

Shit tests are done to test value, confidence, self worth, etc and validate in her mind that she is with a strong man. Part of the logic being that if she can run you, then others can boss you around too. What type of protector would you be, if you can’t even stand up to her? It also elicits a challenge response in her of “ohh, I can’t pin this guy down” and motivates her to try harder to get you. It keeps your value high because you value yourself above her or her opinion of you. Your opinion of yourself matters more than her opinion of you. Your own goals and desires matter more than hers. Women are attracted to a man with a mission, if her shit tests can distract you from your mission, then what does that say about your dedication to achieving your mission. If she is lucky, you will choose to include her desires as something you also consider.

Hypothesis:

Once there is an established equilibrium/pattern/routine/understanding in the relationship; whether it be FWB, fuck buddies, short term, LTR, the nature of the tests change. No longer is she giving basic shit tests, they change into more subtle and deeper ones.

The type/stage of relationship you have with a woman changes the types of tests she will give you.

Examples:

To elaborate on this thought, I was at a very large wedding recently and this idea became clear after watching different couples interact, as such I really tried to pay attention to the interactions. I will paraphrase these examples for length and clarity. (Though I could probably have done better with length).

GROUP 1

For couples that were early stage (most were under 30 and guessing less than a year together or around there), the tests were easy to spot. Teasing about how their interactions go, who wears the pants, subtle jabs and poking fun. Watching how the men unanimously failed them was cringeworthy. I didn't see any men in this demographic doing well and it showed, because their women were, in subtle ways dismissive of them and dominating their behavior. i.e. the man would ask permission to go have shots with his friend or catering to the woman’s desires; putting her needs above his. I even heard one man say “I’m just lucky she chose me”. I also saw some single guys and girls interacting, the shit tests were so obvious, guys were putting the girls up on a pedestal and the girls would cut and jab at them and the men didn’t even realize.

The shit tests at this initial stage are to determine whether or not you even worth considering as a viable candidate for sex and establish power balance in the relationship.

I don’t feel that anyone here needs more explanation of these basics, as it is well covered in the sidebar.

GROUP 2

The second demographic I observed was more established couples (5+ years together, some married, some kids, most early-mid 30s). Here it was more interesting. I would say half the men fell into the first category of just being pussy whipped but the other guys were more masculine and in control of the relationship.

How did the shit test change?

It was not as obvious but much more subtle. Some examples in this group:

1 - In a group - Wife: “MUTUAL FRIEND just bought a house in NICE AREA.” People talked about the house. Wife slides in “Well MUTUAL FRIEND'S HUSBAND is a lawyer, so what do you expect.” Direct jab at her husband’s earning potential. — This man had setup unrealistic expectations for his wife and offers nothing else of value to her — Would be curious to see how others on this sub would respond, but I don't think many of use would allow ourselves to go this far with such a woman as I'm sure there are other signs along the way.

2 - at a table - Girlfriend of man talking to other woman at the table: “He still hasn’t introduced me to his parents and doesn’t want to meet mine”. Her boyfriend overhears this; “I’ll do that when I’m ready, right now I’m still just enjoying getting to know you” He gives her a strong kiss and she is happy with that. Obviously different ways it could have been handled but nevertheless he got what he wanted (she shut up about it) and she was happy. In this case, the sub-communication on his part was “I am still trying to figure out if you are worthy of meeting my parents but I still like fucking you”.

3 - two women badgering their men about when the men will take them on a trip - one guy’s response was full of rationalizations and hopeful promises of maybe next fall etc. The other guy simply whispered in his woman’s ear. I asked him later what he said; “you want a trip, how about a trip to the coat room, where I lift up that dress and fuck you until you beg me to stop”. Her response was a blush and a playful slap at him while smiling.

4 - me talking to a couple - This is not a shit test but I wanted to share anyway. Normal conversation, both he and I finish our drinks, she has a half full one. During a pause in the conversation, he looks down at his glass, looks at her then down at his glass and my glass and back at her. She then politely asks if she can get us another couple drinks. Not a shit test I know, but I loved this example of how great it can be when you have an LTR who knows her role and is happy to be in it. But you better believe that guy runs a tight frame all the time. No words just understanding, I complimented the man on his relationship after she left to get the drinks.

These example showed me how the shit tests at this stage became more about long term viability and security and life options. The woman testing if she is still making the right choice with the man; should she stick around. The shit tests were more about about his lack of progression moving his own and their life forward. At no point am I suggesting that testing your sexual viability goes away, these other layers of testing are only added to that. You still must demonstrate success with earlier stage tests when they come up.

GROUP 3

The last demographic I observed were well established couples, years/decades together with families from ages late 30s all the way to 70s.

How did the shit test change?

It was more complex, a picking on established behavior the man exhibits that she found weak and also a validation of their relationship. To be honest, it was more a feel I got about how they interacted that I can’t quite articulate now.

1 - In a large mixed age, mixed couple group of well established people - I observed the older Alpha couple. The man was clearly the Alpha of the group, very successful, intelligent, humorous, holding court with his attractive wife by his side supporting him. She was the perfect co-pilot who knew her role. She would do the getting along with other women, while the men spoke about business or more important affairs. Very political, making introductions for the man; i.e. bringing someone to her husband "have you met so and so", but also clearly a reason why she was doing this; for her husband’s gain. She understood that by supporting her husband she in turn would stand to gain.

Where is the shit test?

I got to talk to them privately later on and she interjected a couple times about things he had to do. One example, she mentioned that they should leave in the next half hour as he had to be up early. His response, he just nodded - they ended up staying for another two hours (he still calls the shots). In this case, I observed her shit tests were more about pushing him to be a better man, setting a higher bar for himself. It’s hard to explain but that was just the vibe I got.

2 - All women +40/50 at the bar together most pretty drunk - Half of them were very overtly hitting on me and my friends. Their men arrived by at different times. One guy so nice, typical just doesn’t want to offend, happy to be there nice guy, he got some shots for us trying to befriend us, all while his wife hit on my buddy in front of him, at one point she said something along the lines of "if I wasn’t married I’d be going home with you", in front of her husband who laughed. - I was talking to one woman, she was slightly flirtatious but not in a sleazy way, just more so having fun, we were discussing an Island in Greece we had both been to. Her husband arrived, he came up from behind her grabbed her ass, kissed her neck and turned her around and made out with her. Afterwards, he gave me an obligatory hello nod and pulled his smiling wife away to the dance floor. This guy was in shape and looked good for his age. These women it seems were looking for ways to believe they were youthful and desirable and in a way shit testing their husbands to see if they could fulfill that.

3 - group of women in their 50s not drunk, one was my friends mom - The women were telling me about the old problems they have with their husbands, subtle nagging, "he always leaves his socks on the bathroom floor", "it’s been a year and he hasn’t fixed this or that in the house", "he lets our son stay out too late", basic old couple stuff. It hit me these were shit tests, they wanted their husband to be accountable for his own actions and take on masculine challenges (i.e. home repair). I felt the women in this group also didn’t have men who made it clear the woman’s role in the house and his. The men in this group I surmised were not running their household well. It was like the shit test was a long continuous one in their relationship there because the men had a poor frame or were poorly handling themselves and it became routine.

4 - one woman in her 60s - complaining her husband was a workaholic. She was feeling neglected and acting out by shopping, drinking, and there was more and more distance in the relationship. The shit test was her doing behaviors the husband did not approve of but with the excuse of "well you’re never here, so I’ll do what I like." Her frame was punishing the man for providing the means for her to do all these things, rather than she joining his frame of "I am doing all of this for you/us and her being grateful for it."

GROUP 5 - Shit test when things are good

One other anecdote I wanted to share was from a friend who has been in an LTR for a couple years. From my observation, they are both happy and he has good frame control of the relationship. He told me a few days ago after a great night out with friends, they had wild sex for hours, lots of fun, perfect night. As they are falling asleep, she asks him if he ever slept with one of the girls they met. My buddy immediately spotted this, but it goes to show even when things seem their best, there could be a shit test right around the corner, so do not let your guard down.

TLDR

Life with women is one big shit test, even if they aren’t saying it verbally, they are shit testing you all the time, judging how you behave, speak, etc. Don’t forget this. Just because it’s not coming outright, doesn’t mean you are not being tested. Always maintain frame control. The nature of the test will change as the relationship changes, be aware of this. Just because she is happy doesn't mean she isn't judging you. To paraphrase an old saying; in her eyes, you are only as good as your last shit test.

I am sharing the above as food for thought for men in different stages of life. Hopefully, you find some value in the examples.

Welcoming the TRP community to add their thoughts. If you got this far, thanks for reading.