I'm in a sticky situation at the moment; due to the passing of my mother more recently than not, I'm stuck in my home town with a population of a few tens of thousands to support my grandfather and stepfather in dealing with her affairs and support them. My grandfather is not in great health, and probably doesn't have a lot of years left, so I am here for the foreseeable future, though I'd rather be somewhere where abundance is possible. But we are at where we are at.
Fast forward to last Sunday: I'm at the gym and there's a cute curly haired blond doing one of those pussy maxing leg hip workout machines you will never see a straight man do. I strike up a conversation; ask her why this gym and not the other gyms in town that while slightly more expensive are certainly less shitty. We talk for five or ten minutes, I offer to buy her a drink or dinner this week... she agrees. Good job with a good income, good family it seems like. We trade numbers and I go back to lifting.
Later on in my set she is working out by me. I reopen. She says "I'm free pretty much any night of the week". We set the date for Monday, the next day, at eight. The date goes well enough. Again, she seems inexperienced. I avoided talking about dating or sexual history because, dating history is a waste of time for the first date, and I avoid sexual history because I had trouble creating sexual energy with her which I do not normally have trouble with. We have a whole lot in common, she is incredibly pretty, and we click though I struggle to make romantic or sexual energy with this girl. We make out a couple times. She is an abysmal kisser. The date lasts an hour and a half (I thought it was much longer, it felt so). As we are walking out to what I assume would be switch venues at 9:30. When I offer to switch venues she says "I have 25 minute drive and I work at eight in the morning". I don't know about you all but if I am very attracted to someone and having a good time, I will stay up past 10 PM. During the date, we had talked about both enjoying cooking. She said she loves soup, said she has never tried butternut squash soup. At the end of the date I said "let's get together this week and make that soup?" (Perhaps this was an overinvestment). She agrees, saying she is interested any day of the week that works for me.
Following the date, I wait till Wednesday at the end of the work day to text her at all since I committed heavy at the end of the date... ball in her court. I text her saying "hey, tomorrow at 5:30 work for you to make that soup? We'll have to run to the store first". She takes hours and hours to respond, and after some coordination ping pong run around, she says "I got out of a relationship a month or two and I'm not ready for anything serious yet, I'm sorry etc. etc.". I say "I understand completely, I'm cool with hanging out without a label as the goal. Let me know when you're free and we will keep it casual." A few texts since then but I've been leaving the ball in her court and keeping my texts short on the off chance she offers a time and place since this chick has probably NEXTed me and is being nice, and I don't want to waste time texting a bunch with someone just being nice. Also for context, I didn't mention anything about my mother.
We hold the L and soldier on with more day game. That one stings, I liked her quite a bit. We had a lot in common. Any critiques or thoughts?
dreams 22h ago
First of all, good job on even approaching the girl and getting her number in the gym. Most are too pussy to do that and for me, most of the time girls have to basically throw themselves at me with eye contact before I have the balls to do anything (my gym is crowded as fuck too, not an excuse but whatever we all have our shortcomings).
You're skipping out on some of the details of the night that my help us and help you dissect what went wrong.
Some idiot on this site told me game and texting don't matter and that it's all about looks... well clearly she was keen enough to want to go out with you but somewhere along the lines she decided she wasn't down to sleep with you or perhaps she had already decided she wasn't going to sleep with you but was going to enjoy a night out with you on your dime while she recovers from her breakup if you offered a dinner date.
What exactly was the date? Did you go to dinner or the bar? Were you guys talking a lot or doing some type of activity. Usually a dinner date or something of the like gives too much of a serious vibe because you're sitting around blabbering about your lives which takes the relationship in the long term direction and puts you in the boring square. The making out part was weird though, usually they wouldn't just make out with you and then leave after but maybe even just the kissing or the way the kissing was happening wasn't a turn on for her. It was more of a "we're headed towards a relationship thing instead of a I'm about to bang you" thing. Were you trying to touch her body while you were making out or did you just kiss her like a polite boy? Always push boundaries and see what her reaction is... if a girl lets me kiss her im grabbing her ass and tits lol ... this lets you know what her mind is on ... if she turns down the extra advances then you know either you're not attractive enough or the girl has more self respect and you have to work harder to crack the egg (could be both at the same time)
The venues you go to and the tone of the date will set into stone what she thinks about you... along with what you say on the date once she finds out more about you. If you already made plans for a dinner date and you went on the dinner date and then you tried to change venues to a bar to drink she maybe knew where this was going and decided she doesn't want to sleep with you. Anything that came after that was likely her trying to slowly lay you down without hurting you.
Again, it is totally plausible that she is coming off a relationship and she is testing the waters here and there with different guys and you were a guy that came along that she may have banged and may have not.... but she maybe wanted to use you for a night out because she was feeling lonely.... these girls will use you for anything you can provide. But also, if she said she's not looking for a long term thing ..... then clearly she was looking for a bang (or was she just using that as an excuse to create distance?) and she didn't find you for whatever reason turning on the buttons in her to want to fuck you... so there is that.
Ignore this broad, you were doing fine already, going to the gym and working out. You'll meet another one that suits you better there. Who knows, she may circle back to you... but at this point if a girl did to me what she did to you... I would go silent as she basically already said to you 'you're not good enough (or so I think) to take my mind off the last guy". You never know, maybe you get more swole in the next few months at the gym and she eyes you and wants to fuck you. Hope I was able to give some meaningful advice. Keep your head up soldier we look forward not back!
qzone 2h ago
Right man, it's hard to say. It's hard to know which details to include because I don't know what's important to mention. Could very well be something totally out of my control. Maybe she's still involved with her ex and he is Chad Thundercock who texted her Tuesday night. Who knows. All a person can do is give it a good think, post a field report, but not dwell on it. It was definitely a strange interaction for me for a few reasons. Probably the last four dates I have been on ended in a lay (I'm not saying that as a flex, I have dry spells and rejections like anyone else). Either way, I'm going to lift and approach on because my mom wanted me to live a well-lived life, and that's part of my way of living. Cheers
Mountainman 3h ago
Impressive that you can even approach during such a difficult time.
qzone 2h ago
I'm not sure if it's that long established conditioning to approach regardless of mental state as a way of powering through self talk that would defeat reasoning to make approaches and kill the habit, the years of employment in sales, or a desire for the comfort of women but yeah I still feel compelled to despite being all over the place mentally. Some days I'm in the shitter mentally, some days I'm just fine. The day I approached her and on the date, I was just fine. Yesterday and the day before were rough.
Mountainman 1h ago
I can relate. I’ve suffered a lot of loss in my family in the past 2 years. Still forcing myself to approach. Keep going bro, sorry for your loss
qzone 35m ago
Thanks brother
mattyanon Admin 2h ago
Never leave the ball in her court unless and until "I will not text her again unless she picks this up".
You do this by not giving her control and not giving her security and certainty.
And that means you don't agree to another date at the end of the date.
This mentality takes a while to sink in, but you can learn to do it.
The tension of "will he ask me out again" increases attraction. The uncertainty and loss of control increases attraction. Agreeing another date makes you a certainty, and certainties are BORING.
Instead tell her that you're busy for a few days, but you'll hit her up if you get free. This way you maintain control. Always create a mystery gap after every date, at least until you've fucked her a few times.
But I think things went wrong during the date, this might not have been enough to save it.
I don't know what happened during the date apart from a bit of making out.... but you should be agreeing to the next venue plan before leaving.
WAY TOO MUCH.
You are committing to a date, and time and a location. This is offering too much value, losing too much control.
You are also leading with soup rather than "I'm a hot guy, take it or leave it". This sounds like "I know you don't like me much, but you do like soup".
You gave her too much control. But I do think at this point the whole thing was lost anyway.
Ok.
Translation: I wanted hot sex and by offering commitment you are giving me commitment/boyfriend vibes.
Urgh.
Just say "ok, cool" and leave it at that. Now you have cemented yourself as an orbiter.
my dude, you really need to stop leaving the ball in her court. girls are ADHD and drop balls.
You talk about "a lot in common", but really this should be "we wanted to fuck each other". Or not.
You are leading with commonality and trying to be her boyfriend.
Instead you should be going with attraction, teasing, indifference, AND ESCALATION.
Good news is: you struck up a convo, got a date, and kissed her several times during the date. You are 95% of the way there.
qzone 1h ago
Thanks man, good advice. I definitely in my mind framed the whole interaction as wanting to build it into a relationship and that's what my actions communicated. You are definitely right she did not respond well to that. It's clearer now that you lay it out for me. In the past, I've left all of that off the table and focused on escalation.
I guess I felt I could play it with the relationship framing because it felt like she had such inexperience, because she had been in a long long relationship previously, and I felt if I approached it from the angle of building to a relationship as opposed to detached escalation that would be safer because she might view detached escalation as too pussy hound coded. I see I was wrong, your approach would have been better here. AWALT proves true regardless of experience. Maybe part of it was arrogance too due to my previous dating success and her inexperience, in my head I figured about midway through the date she was totally sold on LTR.
It makes sense in hindsight as well that if she had just gotten out of a relationship a month or two ago, she wouldn't be looking for a guy to make soup with lol. Of course she'd be looking for dick. Can't believe I didn't see all of this even ten minutes ago lmao. But maybe if I re-engage after a bit, get her out, put on the pussy hound moves, I can close it.