Hello I'm new to the forum. Here is some background on me.
I'm 45, 5'10, 300lbs. I've been fat my whole life. I also suffer from depression, possible undiagnosed adhd, and low self esteem. I've been married twice, no kids, and I've been single since 2014. I have done a lot of online dating with little success. I'm pretty introverted and more of an observer in social settings than a participator. I think this stems from me so desperately wanting acceptance as a child I wound up turning people off with my personality and being ridiculed because of it. So I tend to keep my mouth shut in social situations--just peppering a comment here and there or waiting for someone to talk to me. I tend to think of myself as an observer.
Now the good: I like to think I'm quite funny, very smart, and moderately successful career-wise. I have a very youthful face and I believe I'm relatively handsome, despite the extra weight. I have a strong moral compass, no major vices outside of eating poorly. I am a dog lover with two rescues. I love to travel. I love tattoos, music (but not live), going to hockey and baseball games. Most of my hobbies are pretty nerdy and not very social.
I used to have crippling anxiety as a child and young adult but a combination of medicine, therapy, and time has taken most of it away (except talking to women in the wild, obviously)
I have very rarely done an approach. All of my dating has been OLD. I just have terrible PTSD from girls in my teens that at this point I just shut down and freeze up. It's only gotten worse since the pandemic.
I've done a lot of reading in TRP and seduction sites, audio/ebooks, etc, but it's so very difficult for me to put it into practice. I am introverted by nature (or nurture?) and pushing myself to talk to people feels so unnatural. I don't really have many friends, and the men that I know are all married at this point.
I realize that a huge barrier to my success is my weight, but honestly I'm not sure that is going to change, and if it does, it will be very slowly. I certainly will never be "jacked". With that said I am beginning a strength program. It's just pretty demoralizing to hear that the advice I've been given for 30 years "looks don't matter", "you're handsome", "just be yourself", "it's all about personality"is all bullshit, and I'm not going to see results unless I do something that I've spent 30+ years being unsuccessful at. With that being said, I have been working on myself, but again it's very slowly. Years of being told I'm not good enough, further reinforced by my own brain is so hard to escape from.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Partly to just get it off my chest. Maybe for some advice, but "lose weight" and "just talk to women" won't help at this point. I thought that by now I'd be just content being alone, but that hasn't happened either.
Anyway hello all!
OPPTRP 1y ago
Was 282lbs last year.
226 this. Stop making excuses and do the work.
Also have undiagnosed adhd
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
yes
your choice
And again: YOUR CHOICE.
It's worse than bullshit, it completely destroys lives.
be grateful for finding the truth at last.
FUCKING LOSE WEIGHT.
There, I put it in capitals.
The brutal truth is that looks matter to all women that are attractive enough to fuck. They completely lie about this, because they want you to not care about THEIR looks, and because they don't want to look fickle, to hide their hypergamy, and to keep their options open to date a man who is ugly but rich.
But yes looks matter and they matter a LOT, especially for the kind of dating that you want (low commitment, not paying them).
Looks aside, being fat is a CHOICE. You chose to be gullible, you chose to believe that you can be fat and get girls, and you did that because you wanted to believe it. You've heard for years that looks matter, but you chose to ignore it so that you can stuff your face with pizza and not exercise.
There you go, that's the brutal honest truth. You're welcome.
Look, here's your options:
Pick one and do it. Or think of another one. But quit lying to yourself.
If you want to lose weight (and you really fucking should):
I've done it, millions of others have. You have a slight propensity to overeat and your body has a slight propensity to gain fat. You also probably make terrible food choices and you don't eat enough. But that's it. No "big bones", no "slow metabolism".
Losing 120 pounds can be done THIS YEAR.
Your life, your choice.
Scorpion69_ 1y ago
i understand you.
look, u gotta lose the weight. get jacked. that will make u much more confident which will, alongside the fact that u will be jacked, make u much more attractive, which will probably solve all of ur "social" problems.
also, u gotta understand that these problems in reality arent that big of a deal. ur not fighting in a war. ur not slowly starving to death in some poor african country. u wasnt born crippled. u wasnt born with deformities. u dont have cancer. might sound like typical stuff to say, but the truth is that millions of people suffer this type of shit daily. think about it.
understand all of this, relax, and then go and take daily action towards getting fit
whytehorse2021 1y ago
At your age(almost the same as me) obesity is a killer. We're talking hypertension, heart disease, colon cancer, just to name a few. Your testosterone will have likely noticeably declined and you'll become estrogenic with age and high body fat.
If you're still cool with all that, you can find a nice dark Asian farm girl over in SE Asia who will think you're a high value man. I got laid more in 3 days in Bangkok than in 30 years in the US.
No-Stress-Cat 1y ago
You've identified your problems. Now, let's work on the solutions:
If you're fat, lose weight. I was 215 not too long ago. I did a 100-day challenge. 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 hanging leg lifts (I couldn't do pull-ups), 100 dumbbell curls, and 100 squats - 6 days a week. When I started out, I could only do 10 push-ups. So I did 10 sets of each of the above exercises. When I got to 20 push-ups, I did 5 sets of each exercise. At 25, 4 sets. At 50, 2 sets. I dropped down to 180, lost a lot of fat, my chest got wider, muscles got bigger. My confidence skyrocketed. I added benchpress, bar squats, dumbbell exercises, and deadlifts. I can bench 95lbs. Squat 40lbs and deadlift 110. I'm not jacked by any means, but at 48 years old, in only 3 1/2 months, I completely changed.
Depression and low self-esteem will be obliterated by the confidence you gain from exercising and gaining muscle. You also have to change your eating habits. Stop eating fast food and processed food. Pasta bad, bread bad, sugar bad. There's no other way to do it but to just stop. After awhile, your body won't miss it, and you won't even think about it.
ADHD? PTSD from girls? You're roughly my age. You should know the only thing you can get from girls is herpes or some other kind of cooties. Not going to shame you, my dude, but seriously? You're making excuses for your failures, and giving yourself a reason to give up. Everybody fails. Most of the time. Even the big-shot Red Pill guys. Get up, and go at it again.
Your huge barrier to your success is not your weight. It's your mindset. You're so worried about not getting girls. Instead of putting all that effort into women, you need to put that effort into yourself. Become selfish. Live for yourself. Do things for yourself. The moment you stop giving a shit about women, and trying to please women, and start pleasing yourself, working on yourself, and becoming a better self, the women will gravitate to you naturally. You won't have to lift a finger. You are your world, and women are the moons that revolve around you, not the other way around.
It took me a long time to realize this (I was around your age when I had my epiphany), so I know the path you're walking very well. And it's never too late to get started. It's time to get to work, my dude. Make your body healthy, and soak up that Red Pill content to free your mind. Once you stop giving women power over you, they will flock to your feet and worship you like a god.