Summary: I displayed beta blue pill behavior during my recent 4 year relationship. I have learned some lessons with the help of The Red Pill.
Before I Loved Her
I (29M) dated my ex (24F) for 4 years.
Before I met her, I was angry and in pain. I'd never felt love. I was self-destructive and expected a violent death before 30.
During the first 4 months of my relationship, she was just a chick I was fucking. I thought about dumping her to move back home across the country. But she started hinting she wanted to hear me say the words "I love you." I’d never said it to a girl before. I thought, well, its 4 months in and there are no problems. I like being with her. She’s attractive. I "should" love her. At first, it was just words. But slowly, those words turned into a feeling.
After I Loved Her
Gradually, I found myself experiencing intense euphoria thinking and feeling things I'd never thought or felt before. I felt happiness. I felt a concern for my future. I thought for the first time that I was going to marry someone, have children, and buy a home. I felt empathy for strangers. I felt a connection to society, the world, and the universe. I experienced beauty in everyday life. I enjoyed all these feelings. I attributed these feelings to her.
So I kept going. I have few friends and family, so I never received outside opinions about my relationship as it progressed. I depended on my intuition (ego?). I assumed that what I was thinking and feeling was what she was thinking and feeling. 6 months together I agreed to buy a dog. 1 year together I invited her to move into my apartment. 2 years in and I'm deep in love. Kaleidoscopic fractals.
I taught that bitch how to drive. She almost killed us multiple times and ended up wrecking my car. I helped her get jobs by improving her interview skills and resume. I helped her get an education by writing her scholarship essays and tutoring her to pass entrance tests. I provided a positive and supportive counterbalance to her negative self-image and low self-esteem. I always encouraged her to do well for herself in life and in her career.
And most importantly, or so I thought, I never cheated on her. I forced my sexuality to be monogamous. The first few years I fought with my constant desire to fuck other women. I overcame this by telling myself I had something good here, and the only way this thing could ever fuck up is if I fucked it up by cheating. I mentally wrestled my sexuality into an expression of my love for her and it stuck.
There were red flags. 2 years in I caught her send a Facebook message to a coworker telling him he's cute. I caught her using the Whisper app secretly. I caught her texting another guy.
One night while she was sleeping, I saw she got a text from a person saved under a family name. The message said "are you still with him?" I saved the number and I called it. A man answered. I confronted her. I told her to call him in front of me and say "my boyfriend is gone" while I listened. The conversation was tame. He didn’t flirt. He didn’t tell her to come over or refer to any prior meetings. He took no initiative in the conversation. My ex asked all the questions. He sounded confused about her calling. I forget her explanation now about how she knew him. I suspected nothing.
Then she started talking about moving out. I got spooked she was going to leave me. So I started running day game to prepare for her exit. I walked around malls, department stores and grocery stores and flirted with girls which boosted my confidence and I got a lot of numbers. I always deleted the number. A few girls were very attractive and I found my thoughts turning to "Don’t delete that fucking number. Buy a disposable phone." The fucked up thing is that the lesson I derived from it at the time was I had to choose my partner every day even when its tough. I had the choice to be with these girls, but I felt I wanted to be with my ex.
Getting Dumped #1
After 3.5 years she dumped me. She told me she didn’t love me. She told me she was unattracted to me. She told me she didn’t see a future with me. She packed up her things and moved out within a few hours. I was devastated.
For two weeks we shared the dog. She'd come over to pick the dog up. Then she'd drop it off. One time, she asked to come in. She told me she’s not seeing anyone. She told me to kiss her. I refused. She walked out. Then she came back. Then she hugged me. Then she started crying. Then she started talking. Then I started talking. Then our clothes came off. And just like that, we were back together.
We were back together 6 months. I worked on myself. I got sober (still am). Began lifting every day (still am). Stuck to a healthy diet. I’m 5'11 and got myself up to 200 lbs of lean from 185. She changed a little. She communicated more, mostly about how shes attracted to other guys. My attitude was to fight for the relationship. I didn’t want to give up what I had back in the beginning.
Getting Dumped #2
Then she dumped me again. This time, she told me she began cheating on me 7 months into our relationship. She tells me it’s the guy I made her call in front of me. She tells me she fucked him 4 times. The first time I was out of town at a wedding. I remember we sent nudes to each other during that trip. The last time she says it happened I was out of town participating in a family rehab program for my heroin addicted little brother. I remember we had virtual sex over Skype during that trip.
That was 3 months ago. I really couldn’t focus on anything else. The pain was so loud. Knowing she dumped me so heartlessly. Knowing she dumped me for a coworker. Knowing she cheated on me through my entire experience of becoming a good person because of my relationship with her. Knowing she told me specifically to hurt me.
It hurt more than watching my dad die from cancer when I was 15. It hurt more than losing my brother to heroin last year. My fucking soul shrank, splintered, and fragmented. I half expected her to leave but I didn’t expect it to hurt this much.
I needed to hurt her. I publicly shamed her by sending messages to everyone I met through her. Her family, friends, coworkers, orbiters. I sent messages to people I didn’t know but I knew knew her. I sent 80+ messages to people telling them that she told me she cheated on me multiple times throughout our relationship. Her brother begged me to stop so I did.
The Red Pill
I come to The Red Pill destroyed. I crawl here. Bruised. Broken bones. My heart and soul were elevated through the highest clouds and then buried deep under rock and mantle. I’m picking up the pieces and putting them back together.
I can’t fucking help but feel that loving her was impossible to avoid. It just happened to me. It dug itself into my soul. I didn’t even know what was happening to me. I feel like a victim. I feel like an idiot. I feel lost. I feel abused and betrayed like a little dog on a leash being stomped by its caregiver.
I’m looking for a Red Pill perspective on what I did wrong and what my lesson is. This can't happen to me again.
Do not buy pets together.
Do not live together.
Do not idealize marriage, family, or home ownership.
Do not hamster yourself into monogamy. Monogamy does not exist.
Do not respond to her disrespect by mate guarding. Use dread game, boundaries, and a persistent readiness to next her.
Practice game during the relationship. Don’t be a complete dumbass and delete the numbers of the sexy women you game. Abundance mentality is everything.