This makes me think of codependency. It's good to have that external confirmation, but when you constantly seek it out, need it, then it's a problem. If you can't sit with yourself, and feel healthy amount of self-confidence or self-esteem, then you start chasing things outside of yourself to feel better. External validation is one of them.

On a deeper level, we end up giving our power away. We make others our higher power. We lose our inherent power to validate ourselves. There are few things that feel as powerful as having a purpose, mission, and having that intrinsic, deep belief that you are nothing but 'good enough' to fulfill it. Then, that touch of outside confirmation is like that extra proof that everything you feel is right.

Without the ability to cultivate that inner confidence, you become lost in seeking it from others, and everything becomes a short burst of false self-esteem. The inner-critic rises, and the negative tapes play on repeat.

My point is that external validation is good, much more limited in it's usefulness that we may think, but nothing is as powerful as true internal self-confidence.

I have found that more than sex with different women, a man can most effectively become self-validating by finding his mission in life and getting after it.

This is the most reliable way to fill the bottomless hole in your heart. The best way to eliminate neediness and to stop seeking approval from females.

Find your purpose, and chase after it with everything.

Straight and to the point. Solid post.

This reminds me of the best advise my father gave me

​

"Women are born with a pussy, they do not want another one"

​

You have a much better explanation behind the truth, I had to fake it til I made it. Fortunately I got there by 19

​

External validation is always important, and it's never ending, just because you could get laid 10 years ago doesn't mean anything today , However once you learn game and how easy it is to get laid you will understand what faking it to you make it means. I know that chasing is unattractive, I know that not making a move is unattractive, I know that putting myself out there will always yield a result

It depends, though.

If you get your physique to a state where you're finally satisfied with it when you look yourself in the mirror, you won't need a woman to tell you you're ripped or search for IOIs on the street. You'll just know it.

Agreed in part. I never bought into all of the super-Buddhist self-actualization bullshit some of these guys swear by, about internally knowing you're awesome being the real point of it all. It's not about becoming some kind of amazing inner man. It's about getting laid and being successful at life.

We live on Earth in populated regions of the planet, not alone on the moon. Frankly, we live and die by what other people think about us and how they judge us.

Other people's judgments of us determine whether or not we have sex, dates, and girlfriends. Other people's judgments of us determine whether we get hired or promoted. Or if we run a business, others' judgments of us determine the employees we attract and whether people buy shit from us. Other people's judgments of us determine whether we have friends and who those friends are. Other people's judgments of us even determine little things, like whether we get followed around in a store, approved for a mortgage or bank loan, or pulled aside for additional screening at the airport.

It's not stupid or shallow to seek external validation from others. Other people favorably judging you is literally how you get laid. It's literally how you get money. It's literally how you have friends. It's literally how you network and have professional and social opportunities.

We live and die by the judgment of others. If you want a successful life, seeking the positive judgment of others is not some silly, shallow thing that only losers do, while real men are some kind of internally awesome Buddhist monks. It's how you win.

Even out the other side, when you internalize how amazing you are, that's just acting the part so that other people like you better. When you act like you're amazing without being a try-hard braggart, people judge you more favorably. All "inner game" really is, is another tactic to make people like you by emulating how awesome people act, by shutting the hell up and not being annoying, but still acting awesome.

It's a sad reality when you think your the shit and you have nothing to show for it. Not only will you doubt yourself but people will begin to put you down as well. It wont be on purpose but it'll be subtle jabs that they had nothing to do with. I.e you walk into a bar and your buddy gets hit on and he brushes a 8 off like it's annoying. Then deep down you'll get this gut sinking feeling where you will know your buddy us just more attractive then you and will push you to work harder. So something to add to this would be, make friends who are better than you. Sure you'll have to work harder to keep them around but they have this motivation and way of living they could teach you by your own fruition.

This is very true, and it happens iteratively.

I'm going through my 2nd year in real estate right now, and my confidence is substantially higher than it was last year...because even though I "believed" I was a great agent and doing a top-notch job for my clients, I didn't really get to "see" it happen.

Your brain will definitely look for the positive affirmation that it has the correct core belief. I suppose you can definitely "force of will" yourself into believing an axiom and it becomes true no matter what, but it can exist on flimsy ground.

Good post.

LOL! This is exactly what I'm going through right now. I've had 2 5's reject me recently and I knew I was 3 points above their SMV. I just started thinking 'You know what? I am good enough, fuck you and your agreement'. Ever since then I didn't need the pat on the shoulder. It's so liberating

One can always just be delusional in spite of the facts and get their little wins in somewhere lol.

That’s partially true.

However, what also needs to be said, is that your value system is completely your own choice!

So for example, instead of believing “the bigger the dick the better” and comparing your cock with other guys in the dressing room (FYI that’s gay... also DO NOT pick up the soap, it’s a trap!), you can instead choose to believe “my dick is the perfect size, if it were any smaller I would not be able to jerk of with my whole hand, if it were any bigger most girls wouldn’t be able to deepthroat it and take it up their asses” and feel confident always!

The shortcut to getting over your need for external validation is by focusing on valuing your own validation of everything else.

​

When you're consciously thinking about how, when, and why you're validating others, the focus slowly slides onto you and your life.

​

Your "power", enjoyment, and personal mission comes before anyone else, especially some woman you're trying to fuck. You really start cementing your boundaries & learning how to walk away over your own principles. You feel more important. The more you value your own validation, you essentially BECOME more important in the eyes of others. They'll begin seeking it naturally over time. When you're not sharing all of your thoughts and tap dancing for the approval of others you're allowed a move vivid and satisfying personal life/inner world

​

One Specific Rule/Example:

Never argue with a woman.

Women are of course emotional beings but I believe they subconsciously argue with men in order to essentially test his nuts and value as a man. At the end of the day, they want to believe & keep believing you're the shit.

When you argue with a woman, you are literally giving her your time and energy and validating her behavior with your own reactions. You are showing her that she is able to bring you to an emotional state when she wants to. Validation. You're showing her that you will engage with her no matter what her behavior is. Validation. You're showing her just how bad you need HER validation. Boy. When constantly giving it your frame, confidence, and overall worth is questioned. Your weaknesses and insecurities are highlighted. Talking yourself out of pussy is a real fucking thing.

What you want to do is calmly and respectfully disengage from the interaction and go back to focusing on your purpose. When you feel there's no other way for the conversation to go, saying something like "Hey, so I've got some work to do, I'll talk to you later" is a great way to do it. It shows her you're not playing that shit and that you're not going to give her your nonsexual attention for whatever whenever she wants. It shows her that there are things that are more important to you than her (some girl you're trying to fuck). Its important to say that if you don't hear back from her then fuck her, move on. How valuable is your validation and self worth? But if she's a decent woman, likely what will happen is that she will respect you for doing so and contact you later. Now she understands that your validation has worth and you feel better about yourself & what's important to you. This applies to women you're interested in long term as well. How exactly you validate others without thinking about it & get poor results is another post.

​

TLDR: Focus on your validation of others (and basically everything else) before you consider their validation of you. You are the main character. You're the only one on a pedestal. A good example of how to do that is not to argue with women and trade your power for bullshit. & you do it respectfully & you do it because you have goals to work towards that are more important. You got too much drip for that shit and you can't just give all the sauce away. Valuing your validation cultivates self-worth & reduces the need for external validation. People will respect and attract to you more & you get to live on your own terms.

​

This might be my first or second post on this sub. Hope it helps.

​

​

​

Good shit.

I make around a half mil a year. I was told by my managing director “You’re a good engineer. The company will spend $100M on your say so that the design is good. But in meetings you have to stop fucking giving the impression that you are questioning your own fucking design and asking people to tell you it’s ok. You’re paranoid, careful, and thorough. But fucking tone it down and you will be a lot more successful here.”

I did, and got promoted.

A good way of getting the starting validation you need is getting a high value girl to fall hard in love for you. It is investment but you can then assume that you're capable of having that effect on anyone and you'll be much more confident for future relationships long or short.

​

This is incredibly important to understand. Bravo.

--------------------------

Equally important is an understanding that this strategy is viable for achievements as well as positive traits. Ergo, it's easy to internalize "I am tall," or "Got a big 'ol dick," as these are pretty irrefutable and require no work – they're just lottery dispensations from yer dubble helix.

That's pretty obvious, but the reason I bring it up is that we as brainmonkeys are just as likely (in fact, more likely) to internalize negative traits and beliefs about ourselves.

----------------------------

So! if you're lamenting the short straws you've drawn from nature (like you're short, or your short straw) keep in mind that it's all a balance. Very few of us "have it all."

You'll really have it made once you can etch your positive attributes so firmly into your mind that you accept your negative attributes –and the best way to do this is to simply outweigh them with good ones – the uphill tilt of self-improvement.

It is a positive feedback loop. When you are going in the right direction, it accelerates your progress. When you are going in the wrong direction, it accelerates your downfall. The key step is to point yourself in the right direction, and start going. Then you let the feedback loop work for you instead of against you.

Thank you, just what I needed

For the guys who seem to get it naturally, they actually get the validation, and strong foundation growing up from their parents. For the rest of us, its a struggle to build it ourselves.

Seems reasonable to me.

It also sounds like these extremes lie on a spectrum. Self confidence with zero external evidence/validation to back it up is wishful thinking or delusion. Seeking external evidence/validation without possessing self confidence is insecurity.

Set and achieve goals that bring you personal satisfaction and growth, and don't compromise your goals for the whims of others. If possible, seek out the company of those whose goals align with yours, and pursue those goals together. This is the ideal path to walk in life, but the details of that path can vary from person to person.

Certain paths are more popular than others, yielding greater opportunity for external validation. But the popularity of a path doesn't necessarily correlate with how constructive the path is.

Select a path in life which both resonates with your values, and is objectively constructive to your being, and ideally the being of those around you. Do not choose a path purely out of the need for validation, and be wary of destructive paths.

This is simple in theory, but often difficult in practice.

The whole overcome the need for external validation mumbo jumbo is as cliche, meaningless and ill worded as “be confident”. No one knows what this means and it seems impossible.

That’s because it is.

Our limbic system is an internal system regulating our fundamental instincts to survive thrive and multiply. It’s been shown across all social animal species that social isolation and lack of belongingness causes decreased survival outcomes, health and mood in outwardly emotional animals. We are no different. It’s ABNORMAL if you don’t need external validation, that need is neurologically programmed in the form of dopamine rewards for social acceptance and praise. It’s a feature of what drives us to rise socially and thrive in the first place.

So “getting rid of your need for external validation” cannot be done practically speaking. But it must be masked and suppressed to win the favor of those who will see you as low in social rank for validation hungry behaviors not otherwise negated by high rank. Grant Cardone is obsessed with getting attention and social media followers etc but it doesn’t show he’s low status or needy for it. Why?:

Because he is high status and already had plenty of external validation and therefore doesn’t come across as needy for any more. Most alphas don’t “not need external validation” they just don’t seek it because they have it already. So fake it a little till you make it and work on your core beliefs and develop a system of self validation but stop thinking there’s something “beta” about you if you feel an appetite or positive reaction to external validation. Only certain psychiatric phenomena preclude us from this evolutionary alarm system to keep us from drifting from favor.

Disagreed.

You don't need to "prove" anything in order to not have the need for external validation.

So true.

I used to need validation, until I got a LOT of it from hot women - girlfriends, hook ups, and propositions (although there was a lot of rejection and failure mixed in there along the road).

Then I got self confidence from participating in combat sports and excelling in school.

After all of that, it has been internalized and I'm relaxed, confident, and really don't care what anyone thinks of me.

But to get to this point, I had to get external validation.

Interesting post. I'm not sure I agree with it in this sense.

Competing in and ultimately winning a race is not the same as seeking approval from another human being. So we're not talking about external validation from pursuits such as athletics or even art or science or business. We're talking about the need for another person to pat you on the head and say "good job."

From my experience I never reached my peak as an athlete in part because I desperately wanted validation from my parents and I got nothing for pursuing sports. To be the best athlete, you need to want it for yourself. Now, many athletes want it because they are pushed and motivated externally by their parents, however that's not necessary to have that motivation if you self-validate. It's better to want it yourself. When you take control of your life and your decisions you will be a more complete person and have better results and also be better able to deal with your failures.

To me, external activities for validation are terrific. It's the need for someone to validate your existence that makes you an incomplete person. You cannot and should not give control over your self-worth to another human being. Period. Self-validate and then seek positive relationships.

Just a friendly reminder that as TRP has been quarantined, we have developed backup sites: https://www.trp.red and our full post archive (and future forums) https://www.forums.red/i/TheRedPill. Don't forget to register on TRP.RED and reserve your reddit name today. Forums.Red is currently locked but will be opened soon.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

I believe this, but it took me way too long to realize I don't need women's validation. I wish I could have learned it with just 10 or 20 good, attractive women. Instead I needlessly threw a bunch of less attractive women into my count as well.

Once you step out of your comfort zone and get external validation, this should be enough indication that you are on the right path towards being a man of high value. No need for any additional external validation. Constantly scanning the room for validation or competitors is a display of weakness, constant dancing monkey-like behavior in front of a girl shows neediness.

Self-confidence is not entering a room and upon comparing yourself with other dudes you know you are better. As a matter of fact, it is a sign of a truly self-confident man to enter a room and knowing there is no need to compare yourself with anyone in the first place.

Find your competition and where you stand to it. Bjj? Compete in a tournament. Singer songwriter? Perform at an open mic. Cooking? Eat with coworkers and see the hot garbage they bring for lunch. Find confidence in everything you do and you will never lose it. When you get schooled that shows where youve got to grow