Earlier today, I asked my boyfriend if he would care if I dressed up and went to the Carnaval Miami because my friends want to go. We live in Tampa so it's a short drive, not necessarily a trip. He said he wouldn't care and that I could go. The outfits worn for Carnaval are very flashy and showy so I was a. little bit surprised he was okay with it. Then I said, you should come too it looks fun! He then said that it was funny I brought up Carnaval because his friends were also thinking of planning a boys trip to Carnaval BUT in BRAZIL.
I immediately was not feeling that at all. I told him I don't really know how I feel about that. Internally, I'm thinking I don't like the idea of "boy's trips" because for whatever reason I think it's what men use to cheat. I'm also thinking Carnaval is a sexy event which doesn't help and it's in a whole different country. I don't think a 3 hour drive to Miami to go to a festival is the same as him flying overseas for a boys trip for the same festival but with Brazilian people.
I know I shouldn't have, but my nosy insecure ass went snooping on his instagram. I found messages of him initiating the Brazil guys trip to one of his friends because saw a YouTube video (titled “Women like this is what makes men travel to Brazil”) and there was "thick women walking around everywhere". Then his friend told him he has a friend that goes out there all the time, speaks Portuguese, and knows a lot of women out there. His friend pretty much knows where all the hotspots are and has the hookups. My boyfriend obviously is down since he brought it up and he repeats that they should go down during Carnaval time.
Is it wrong for me to assume he's going to go out there and cheat on me? It really makes me sad that he specifically wants to go out there to see thick women because I'm not even thick. I've always been skinny and have wanted to gain weight to be a little bit more curvy. I literally just had a baby 2 months ago and gained 40lbs and I'm sad that I've lost half of that weight. I've been so insecure and second guessing myself. I don't want to come off as controlling and be like you shouldn't go, but I also don't want to be stupid. He literally never does anything wrong, is always so sweet to me, and hasn't done anything to make me question his trustworthiness BUT wtf.
TLDR; Boyfriend planning a boys trip to Brazil specifically because he knows the women are attractive. I snooped on him and am worried he's going to cheat on me.
I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. I guess just looking for the red pill women perspective.
alittlebitburningman 1y ago
At 28 with a newborn, I think that you are both in the wrong here. Taking trips to places to dress up & drink do not fit into married / family life IMO. I am surprised new parents are planning separate trips like this 2 months after their child was born. Does he have intentions of marrying you?
knowidotoo 1y ago
I only have one issue with this response and that's the comment
"Taking trips to places to dress up & drink do not fit into married / family life IMO"
While I believe everyone needs to be responsible and recognize that when you have responsibilities like children, you need to take that responsibility extremely seriously.
The idea that having children rends you of your right to go out, to be absolutely horrible.
have a personal day, go enjoy the same thing you would probably be doing as early as 12 months earlier, go have a few drinks with your friends on a weekend after a week of stressful work, or simply go and enjoy some personal things you find pleasing as an individual.
I watched my mother over 31 years basically ostracize herself because "being a parent is her sole responsibility and freindship, relationships, and hobbies are for single people"
She's miserable, her life to this day is literally work>sleep>depression (rinse & repeat). No friends to confide in, no hobbies, no self enjoyment. Her friends tried to maintain connection for year but after repeatedly declining because of her "responsibilities", like most reasonable people they slowly faded away because bonds need to be maintained.
This became a little rant so I'm sorry about that. It's just a thing I find very damaging. Married people and Parents are still individuals and should be able to enjoy themselves as well as long as responsibilities are still maintained.
hahastopjk 1y ago
The events would be next year, my friends were planning ahead. Idk when the Brazil one is. My son is extremely well taken care of though so I disagree that we are at fault for planning to have a trip when we are capable of doing so.
I’m at fault for snooping and maybe being a hypocrite, but my child is perfectly fine.
alittlebitburningman 1y ago
I was in no way accusing you or him of not properly caring for your child. It’s simply not the norm for new parents to be going off on separate vacations to go partying. That mindset is not indicative of family life. I think this is a reap what you sow situation. If you are not ready to give up that lifestyle, then we couldn’t expect him to be either as the leader. It does not matter what the intentions are for the respective trips, it’s all about actions. It would be in your best interest to have a discussion about what he envisions for the family unit and expectations going forward.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Okay, my apologies. I must’ve read a little to deep into it.
You’re right I need to ask him and see where he’s at now. We are seriously the biggest homebodies. Even before I was pregnant we rarely would go out and if we did it was nothing even a 10th of what Carnaval would be lol
I see your point that you shouldn’t really be partying once you become parents. In our case, the pregnancy was a surprise I think for me I want to go kind of as a last hoorah. Maybe it’s the same for him. I’ll talk with him. Thanks
GokuDiedForOurSins 1y ago
My parents aren't exactly what I'd call red pilled, but they did not take any trips out of state until I was 9, and it wasn't because they couldn't afford it. Having a kid just changes your life.
As others here have brought up, anyone can cheat anywhere, and most guys will want to brag to their male friends about hookups. I don't know exactly what was said, or your boyfriend, but it definitely could have been 100% bluster to impress his friends. Women in Brazil just aren't "thicker" than other places, especially than American women.
I think it's in poor taste to plan multiple-day trips with a newborn, and even more so without your SO.
Vinegar88 1y ago
So...you two have had a baby together a whole two months ago. His behaviour is sketchy, undoubtably. Taking the initiative to plan a trip (out of the country no less) after hearing about Brazilian women being "thick," why men go to Brazil? But, to be quite honest, your behaviour is sketchy and inappropriate too. You have a newborn, planning a girl's trip where the outfits are "flashy and showy," to "dress up and drink," in your own words. It looks as if both of you haven't come to terms with being parents yet. Perhaps you should talk to eachother - apologize for snooping, tell him you find his behaviour suspiciously cheating-intentioned, and prioritize eachother & your very new, fresh, and healing family, together.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Being parents doesn't mean you can't still have fun. I envisioned him coming too. My friend asked about carnavale in text and I immediately spoke to my boyfriend about it AND suggested he come too. I haven't even told my friends whether or not I'm going. The Miami carnavale would literally be a 1 day thing and id be back home the next day.
Vinegar88 1y ago
There's "fun" that's appropriate for a single college-aged woman, and there's fun appropriate for a mother.
hahastopjk 1y ago
We’ll have to agree to disagree. I appreciate your response but I think I’m going to refrain from responding any further. My post wasn’t about whether or not I’m an appropriate mother so this honestly just feels like an unnecessary jab.
Vinegar88 1y ago
A core piece of advice from redpill women is to look at and address ones own behaviour, as it can be the cause of many problems in life and relationships, as well as being the only thing we truly have control over. Your boyfriend, and father of your child, is acting disrespectful. Is there something that may have made him lose respect? I, my husband, the other traditional/redpilled husbands in my circle, would lose respect for a mother of a young child to go to a festival of that sort to drink. Not to say that it justifies cheating, but ones actions have an affect on the respect we garner. But good luck with all that's going on, I suppose.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Thank you and good luck to you too!
Anonymous_fiend 1y ago
Men are most likely to cheat while their woman is pregnant or when their child is an infant. And men who love their partner and treat them well still cheat. Him treating you well gives no indication whether he will or not despite what others say since he has expressed that he wants to give other women attention. But that doesn't mean he wants to hurt you or make you feel not enough-he's being self centered. He enjoys you but he wants to see what else is available. While he may not take up any offers and just wants to see what's on the market. That's problematic because what if what's available is better than you, he's drunk, his friends enabling/pushing him to do it, he could get away with it without you knowing, it's just this once, and the other woman is giving him attention/easy sex. If he's off the market he shouldn't be shopping because he might be tempted. Even if he's not going to cheat he's going to be around other women in a sexual matter. A vacation where sexually objectifying women is part of the fun right after your gf just gave birth is despicable. I would never tolerate that. This behavior is like flirting and messaging women. It gives him the excitement so he thinks it's ok since he's not actually going to do anything with them. While he may not actually exercise his options he's wanting to look and entertain them which isn't a faithful thing to do.
Being faithful is about intentions too. Cheating begins in the heart. If he was imagining another woman whenever you have sex would you consider that cheating? Cheating is breaking a relationship boundary. Did you even establish and clearly communicate boundaries? Even good men make mistakes when tempted. It's why good men shouldn't put themselves in that place or environment. Who a man has as friends says a lot about him. Well and a woman's too. It's why marriage minded women shouldn't hang out with party girls, divorced women who caused the divorce, toxic women, etc. You are who you associate with.
Now what can you so about it....well not much. You chose to have a child out of wedlock when birth control is easily accessible. You deemed this man good enough to lock you down to him (or be a single mom) without actual commitment (marriage). And now you're hurt that he isn't 100% committed. You never demanded commitment before giving him a kid you don't get to after since you gave away everything for free. You need to inspire it. Make him feel what he has at home isn't replacable and not worth risking it. You can't tell him not to cheat because he will just hide it if he wants to. There's no rp advice for this. You put yourself in between a rock and a hard place and now how to deal with the consequences. Rp is a toolbox and you threw away the most important ones.
From Kevin Samuel's pov he is doing the more respectful type of cheating if he does it on vacation since it spares you embarrassment. You wouldn't have to worry about anyone knowing, she couldn't contact you, she couldn't hook up with him regularly, you wouldn't 100% know/plausable deniability. Look up Kevin Samuel on YouTube.
Also you're dressing skimpy and drinking out in Miami without him. That's not the type of behavior that inspires commitment. You're having other men objectify you just like he's doing to other women. If you want a wholesome faithful marriage that requires you to be wife material first. Giving a man a child out of wedlock is not wife behavior. Girls trips to parties isn't wife behavior. Stop expecting him to act like your husband when you aren't acting like his wife. Gf and bf relationships aren't anything at 28 with a kid, you're just playing house. If you want something serious get serious.
I mean he made plans to leave the country for a party without even caring to let you know until last minute.
hahastopjk 1y ago
This is exactly what I was looking for!
The only thing I slightly disagree with is the last two sections. I didn’t agree to the trip yet and was hoping he would come too. That’s why I was a little disappointed he had said he wouldn’t mind if I wore the outfit. Someone called it shit testing and I agree with them now. I shouldn’t have done that.
He hasn’t planned anything for the trip as of yet, just brought up the idea to a friend. So it’s still in the beginning stages, nothing is booked. He doesn’t even have a passport right now lol
Why are those the times men are most likely to cheat?
Anonymous_fiend 1y ago
Ah sorry I thought you wanted to go without him/girls trip which would be unserious behavior but with him is fine. Yeah nothing good comes from shit testing you just end up hurting your own feelings. You guys need better communication if you are both making plans like this without the other knowing. Ideally you'd ask him if he had any plans so you could do something together like going to Miami with friends vs just inviting him on a trip with you like you were going to. The first one would make him feel more respected/wanted. Don't invite him as an afterthought. "You should come too" isn't likely to make him not make other plans while expressing you want to spend quailty time together doing something fun at carnival is. I always let my fiance know before I make any plans even if it's just going to a friend's for a couple hours. I don't need permission but it's about respect.
He may be testing you too. Seeing where your boundaries are and what you're willing to put up with. Many men do things on the side because their woman turns a blind eye to it or tolerates it/doesn't leave (which makes it not 100% cheating since theres an unspoken assumption about the boundary). She may not like it but he knows he can get away with it. If he does end up going a good way to tell if he's cheated is if he starts accusing you of cheating or being suspiciously extra good out of nowhere (more gifts, more attention, nicer, etc). While he may not have had any plans to cheat giving him permission to be in that kind of environment may backfire one day. Does he have married friends or are they mostly single?
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7074242/ https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-sex-and-babies/201106/are-men-likelier-cheat-when-their-wives-are-pregnant%3famp
Apparently 1 in 10 men cheat on their pregnant wife. It's usually more sexually based vs emotional like the typical affair. Lack of sex or feeling neglected because you're giving too much attention to the pregnancy are some reasons.
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hahastopjk 1y ago
That’s okay, you were still more or less right lol and everything else that you said was spot on.
How do you think I should approach this situation about the trips? I honestly don’t even want to go anymore this whole thing is draining me emotionally. If/when it’s brought up again should I mention that I snooped and my feelings?
Edit: He doesn’t have a bunch of friends, but his best one is married. He does have a close friend with a girlfriend who cheats but their whole relationship is dysfunctional. They both cheat on one another and this is the guy he was talking to about the trip.
X_Dark_Brother_X 1y ago
I also wanna know the answer to the question, why are men more likely to cheat when they have a newborn or infant child?
Ok_Obligation_6110 1y ago
They don’t like that the attention is focused more on the baby
X_Dark_Brother_X 1y ago
I can confirm that's true, my father didn't like attention was focused on me when I was a child, he didn't cheated though.
TakeTheVeilCerpin 1y ago
First don’t be a hypocrite and go to Miami when everyone knows it’s a hot bed for one night stands and hookups and get upset he’s thinking of going to Brazil. You brought this on yourself for shit testing him with the swimsuit. Second, I’d tell him what you did and tell him why, otherwise this could get worse.
hahastopjk 1y ago
You probably haven’t read through all the replies, understandably, but my issue isn’t solely Brazil. It’s that he mentioned going there to specifically to see women and was excited about some traveler friend showing him where to find them.
I definitely brought this on myself and will talk to him. Thank you for your advice!
TakeTheVeilCerpin 1y ago
And you’re telling me you’re not secretly looking forward to other men look at you the same way? ESPECIALLY in a hedonistic city like Miami? Come on. And I’m sorry to say but a taken mother of two has no business being in a place for singles or other taken people looking to cheat. You’d be inviting trouble.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Yes, I hate being checked out and never go out to clubs and drinking because of that. If only women were there it’d be perfect. I’ve never sought out looking for men ever lol.
I like the dressing up in all the feathers aspect and drinking with my friends (that I rarely get to see) at a parade aspect and that’s what I wanted to go for.
I’m not a mother of two, and I’m not looking to cheat.
Edit: It’s interesting you don’t have a problem with my boyfriend possibly showing actual intent to cheat and being a father trying to attend the same event. Be fair, at least.
TakeTheVeilCerpin 1y ago
You said there were no plans, that he was just talking about it with his friends. YOU actually bought a fit to wear to this event. Your paranoia got the best of you. You did mention he doesn’t even have a passport. Now if he had already bought a ticket without you knowing, THATS different. In fact, he had no problem with you going to Miami, as you stated. But your insecurity had you asking why.
hahastopjk 1y ago
There weren’t specific plans, but he literally is initiating a trip saying they need to go to Brazil solely because of what the women look like. If I said a similar comment about going to Miami for that reason you would be shaming me even more than you already are. For whatever reason, you’re ignoring that, but that’s okay.
I didn’t buy an outfit lol I hadn’t even said yes to going on the trip. I showed him a picture of the outfit that my friend sent when she asked if the group chat wanted to go.
I have been very, very clear that I was feeling insecure and paranoid, you’re not telling me anything I haven’t already said. My paranoia and insecurity led me to wrongfully snoop, but that doesn’t change what I saw.
TakeTheVeilCerpin 1y ago
Well I really hope you have a long one-to-one with him and things end well for you. Good luck.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Will do! Waiting until after Father’s Day so I don’t spoil his first one as a new daddy. Thank you!
sourcandy_x 1y ago
I’m gonna go against the seemingly popular opinion here with this but… I think this is a big red flag. I absolutely would not be down with this.
There was talk of hotspots and hookups, now I’m not saying he’ll 100% gonna cheat, because no one can be sure of that, but It sounds like he wouldn’t turn it down if the opportunity was there.
I’m sorry OP for saying this, but I just want you to take this seriously and talk things through with him, and maybe think about what’s going on.
IAMNUMBERBLACK 1y ago
To be honest, this is shit advice. If a man’s going to cheat, he will find a way to do it. You telling him no to this trip means nothing, bc if he has it in it for him to do it, he will find a way regardless.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Yeah I’m surprised not many people find that part worth mentioning. That’s exactly what I’m worried about. So far I’ve trusted that he would never do me wrong based off of how he’s been but I’ve also never seen him in a situation where cheating was a possibility.
If the opportunity were to present itself I truly don’t know what he’d do now and that’s what scares me.
KombuchaEnema 1y ago
You’d have to be naive to assume he will stay faithful on this trip when he’s literally talking about pursuing these women.
On this subreddit we constantly caution women to avoid men who are obvious cheaters and scumbags. So I’m gonna tell you to tread carefully.
Men who cheat in this way are the sorts of men who create single mothers, and that’s not a life you want to live.
Unfortunately you already have a kid with him…time to start figuring this out quickly.
hahastopjk 1y ago
He technically hasn’t said he is plans for pursue them but I got you. He more or less has.
I feel like a fucking idiot right now. I’ve been practically losing my mind since snooping and don’t even know what to do. Part of me wants to pretend I didn’t see anything and just hope he never talks about the boys trip again.
My biggest fear in life was being a baby mama and a single mother. I’ll only have myself to blame and I’ve felt such disappointment in myself from the moment I got pregnant. His good character and how he treats me was the main thing making me feel less bad about the situation not being how I’d planned.
I love my child more than I ever could’ve imagined so I don’t regret having him but I feel really stupid right now.
Takiyah7 1y ago
I'm really not sure how to advise you on this situation, but it's generally pretty difficult to get men to commit with this type of relationship dynamic. It's especially gonna be difficult to get him to not go to Brazil and look at women when you yourself appear/appeared to be ok with dressing up, partying and being available to be looked at by other men. You're frustrated with the outcome when your very thoughts and actions are the reciprocal of your partner.
The only way I can see you reasonably asking him not to go is if you yourself are not comfortable dressing in flashy clothing and going to a carnival, and you come clean with that.
I think the best advice I can give is to write down what kind of man and relationship you want, as well as the environment you want your child to be raised in for the future; see if you're willing to become the type of woman your dream man would want and the type of woman your dream relationship needs to work- if yes, then find advice that would help you to reach those goals. If not, then head back to the drawing board because your goals need to align with your personality and values. You and your partner need to be the reciprocal of each other for the relationship to work.
Now, if you don't want to be a single mother and want your child to grow up in a stable 2 parent home then this community is for you. A lot of the advice may be different to what you're exposed to but one of the main focuses of this sub is getting commitment, and in my personal experience, no other lifestyle nails it as perfectly and benefits women more than this.
hahastopjk 1y ago
I literally am the biggest homebody and Carnaval is so out of what I would ever do. I can’t even dance and I never wear flashy things. My swimsuits aren’t even super revealing. I think Im open to going because I’m still young and I’m afraid that when I’m older I’ll look back and say I wish I had gone and seen what it’s like.
My boyfriend is a big homebody too and we usually do everything together outside of the stuff that we can’t.
I agree I need to reframe. Thank you for your comment and for presenting it in a helpful manner.
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hahastopjk 1y ago
Had I not snooped I’d be in ignorant bliss lol
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zaladarx13 1y ago
I don't think you assuming he's gonna cheat just form the chat is fair saying "boys trips" is what men use to cheat while "girls trips" are fine isn't good either
And the chat , yeah it might be annoying but if you didn't find he actually did anything you are in the wrong , some people like these places and watching them is something some have fun with If you already know your bf you should already trust him If you trust them you should trust them where ever in the world And if they are a cheating bastered they'll cheat right under your nose
By best advice would be is to talk to him, tell him you're abit uncomfortable because of the reputation of the carnaval in Brazil And try to work it out (the solution doesn't have to be him not going , maybe you'll work something out )
Personally I don't like these types of trips Even the one you are going to , but don't make it a double standered in your relationship that if he's going away you'll be scared he'll cheat and if you are the one on the trip it's fine
Talk about it and be honest (the only time I don't think this would work if you know 100% he'll cheat or already cheated but from what you said I don't think it's the case )
hahastopjk 1y ago
I agree, it’s not fair that I think guys use guys trips to cheat. That’s something I need to work on for sure.
What do you mean by if I didn’t find he did anything? The trip hasn’t happened yet. He’s was trying to plan it and introduced it by mentioning there’s beautiful thick women everywhere and also wanted to go during Carnaval.
I also agree with you that I probably shouldn’t be going to the Miami one either. Anyone who knows me would be surprised I even entertained the thought to go. I’m not sexually flashy like these events tend to be but I guess when I asked him I expected him to want to come too and that’s why I invited him. The trip with my friend isn’t really a girls trip. We just all happen to be girls. He’s calling his a boys trip as if women aren’t invited.
I’ll talk to him though. It’s all I can do at this point. Any advice on how to go about it?
32vromeo 1y ago
I’m curious what you feel the bigger issue here is. That he might cheat or that you snooped and found that he might go behind your back?
hahastopjk 1y ago
What do you mean by “go behind my back”?
32vromeo 1y ago
In other words, is it worse that he’ll cheat or that he’s playing it off as just an innocent trip with friends while your snooping confirmed that he’s talking to his friends about the women there?
hahastopjk 1y ago
I mean they both suck. I think the playing it off as innocent is what’s worse to me right now since it’s currently happening. If both happened I’d say cheating is worse.
32vromeo 1y ago
Yeah, neither are ideal. One thing to note though is I think women tend to think cheating is emotionally betraying where for guys, it’s very physical. Also, he could’ve been more upfront but would you be open to the idea of him goofing around in Brazil?
hahastopjk 1y ago
Both are cheating for me, but I know what you meant. Emotional cheating would be way worse to me than physical if I had to choose. Define goofing around?
32vromeo 1y ago
Goofing around, like having sexual relations with some Brasileira. The answer is most likely no which is why guys go behind their girls’ backs
Underground-anzac-99 1y ago
The issue is he didn’t tell you first.
Sure, you can go to Miami! FYI, I’m off to Brazil anyway!
Whether he hooks up… who knows. I’m not qualified to guess. Yes, the women in their costumes look extraordinary but that’s no reason to automatically think cheating.
Plus a tonne of the women around at these times in places American tourists will be will be working girls.
Is that something he’s into?
To be fair also, Brazilian Carnavals are amazing and there are many reasons to go past getting laid.
hahastopjk 1y ago
He would never pay for sex. That I’m almost certain of.
All the carnavals look so amazing, I don’t blame him for wanting to go at all. I wanted him to come with me lol. His excitement of Brazilian women outside of the event is what concerns me.
Underground-anzac-99 1y ago
Isn’t there a pretty big Brazilian population in Miami?
hahastopjk 1y ago
I really don’t know honestly
NotTodayBoogeyman 1y ago
There is. Peoples advice here sucks and is completely based off speculation. Do you trust your partner? It sounded like he trusts you to go to Miami. If you’re an adult than the distance travelled shouldn’t affect how much you trust your partner lol. He trusts you going on a trip - you don’t trust him. I really don’t see much else on this issue.
Source: Miami native.
hahastopjk 1y ago
It’s not about the distance alone. it’s that he wants to go to that country AND it’s because there’s “thick women everywhere”. Would someone initiate and plan a trip with the saying that and NOT want to do more than just look?
k0unitX 1y ago
Would you go to *your* festival if it was nothing but fat, ugly, sweaty, greasy men?
Of course not. In my opinion, you're being a huge hypocrite here.
hahastopjk 1y ago
YES, I would! I’d actually prefer if there weren’t even men there. This isn’t the type of event I’d typically go to and I’m only considering it because my friend asked if we would go with her and I thought my boyfriend would want to go too.
NotTodayBoogeyman 1y ago
The completely honest answer? Yes. Wether people find it respectful or not is a different argument - but yes men in a group chat with their male friends will say things about women that they don’t really have any intention of acting on. Definition of “locker room talk”.
If your bf wanted to cheat on you, he wouldn’t need to go to Brazil to do it. If you would trust him taking trips in the country you live - you should trust him internationally. You can use this as a test of your trust with him, but imo it’s pretty hypocritical to want to go on a trip then not be comfortable with your SO going on a trip. Regardless of distance.
I think this is a decent test of trust and respect in your relationship for both of you. It may not be comfortable, but you’ll definitely have a better idea of your relationship after the vacations lol, for better or worse
Edit: I think you could very well voice your concerns to your boyfriend and discuss it with him. It’s your boundaries - just understand that this level of trust is pretty necessary if a relationship is meant to be. If you have this level of doubt in your bf, the relationship may not be for you.
hahastopjk 1y ago
I appreciate this perspective. I guess I do have to remember that conversation wasn’t even meant for my eyes to begin with. It just feels icky to me seeing it brought up that way. The whole time we’ve been together we’ve never talked about boys or girls trips. I don’t even consider mine a girls trip since I invited my boyfriend to come too but maybe I’m just splitting hairs.
NotTodayBoogeyman 1y ago
I’d say the “boys trip vs girls trip” part is splitting hairs - but I think you have valid feelings towards how he’s wording things in the chat. I don’t personally agree with men speaking like that behind their SO’s back - but that’s not my fight to have - and like you said, it wasn’t meant for your eyes.
I can only say that from my anecdotal experience, many men in relationships would speak like this around their close friends without the intention of actually doing anything. I appreciate you’re willingness to hear me out and I hope this thread turns out to be a case of “worrying for no reason” :) best of luck to you
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pearlsandstilettos 1y ago
It is not the job of rpw to be outraged on behalf of the OP. It's our job to help her look at a situation calmly and rationally.
Underground-anzac-99 1y ago
What actual evidence do we have? He may?
espressolover18 1y ago
... him literally talking about meeting hot thic Brazilian women...?
Underground-anzac-99 1y ago
Was that him or his friends all chatting?
espressolover18 1y ago
Underground-anzac-99 1y ago
Still didn’t mention meeting. Honestly you’d need more evidence or a face to face conversation
hahastopjk 1y ago
You’re right. His friend was technically talking about getting with the women but my boyfriend is still the one mentioning them. Is it likely someone would mention a trip with the purpose to see women and NOT get with them?
Underground-anzac-99 1y ago
Depends on the friend. Your BF could always be humouring him, yeah yeah, sure sure, all the women, go for it cowboy.
Best to talk w yr BF, suggest you feel uncomfortable given his friend likes to play away.
hahastopjk 1y ago
My boyfriend started the conversation. Yeah you’re right thank you
DivineEmotions 1y ago
Hmmm...id be suspicious and ask him: why he didn't tell me earlier...did they just finish plans/have the idea?...are there any other girlfriends that could go and expand the trip? (If u wana do something just ask!...if he says no...private time with friends...ok, bummer, but go enjoy yourself...until yall go next)
I wouldnt worry yourself about a boys trip....those are much needed. (Just like girl trips) If hes going to cheat, hes going to regardless on where he is.... this is where trust is huge. If you can't trust him and have to try or want to stop him from things he wants, that's not a good sign. We are all our own people, but it's beautiful when 2 souls can connect and find that special spot.
The man chat seems normal to me, nothing alarming...of course...anyone who goes to those shows are going to admire all the human beauty, we are human.
Maybe he can get to know the area and you guys can go together another time? He will know the hot spots/ways around?!
hahastopjk 1y ago
This is good advice. As for the man chat...what do you think about him initiating the trip because there’s “thick women everywhere”?
LadySandcastle 1y ago
If he just wanted to look at "thick Brazilian women" he could do that on his phone. Why would he go on an international trip just for some eyecandy...
I think instead of trying to figure out the IF you should figure out if you're okay with a man who cheats or not. And when he does what will you do?
hahastopjk 1y ago
I’m not. If I’m certain he has cheated, I’m going to him to talk about how we will be coparenting, and I’m moving out.
LadySandcastle 1y ago
Personally I wouldn't let the deciding factor be whether or not he actually hooks up. He could be going there with the intent to an every woman turns him down. What difference does that make? He's already well past what I'd consider a loyal family man...but that's your decision to make. Seems like you're setting yourself up for disappointment to me.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Thank you
TheBunk_TB 1y ago
Take it from me, there is a big difference. I had a tough time being the sober guy responsible for the drunks. Yes, you have a point.
(It depends but I discourage anyone from purposely exposing themselves to that level of temptation.)
LadySandcastle 1y ago
What do you think of him initiating the trip? Do you think he'd do that if he were just wanting to look? I am curious. It sounds like they're close to Miami and he could go there on a boys trip. Going out of country for it seems extra to me anyway.
TheBunk_TB 1y ago
I don't think it is good. Larceny is somewhere in the heart.
There is something missing in him if he is tiptoeing for thrills, just like there is something missing in him if he cheats "full on".
LadySandcastle 1y ago
I agree, not a good feeling. Thanks for your insight I really appreciate your time.
hahastopjk 1y ago
I’ve been trying to think what’s missing and probably should talk to him about it too. I’m thinking all the worst case scenario is and I wasn’t even able to have sex with him postpartum until the 8 week mark. The more I think the worse it gets.
TheBunk_TB 1y ago
Not blaming you, but his internal mechanisms or past causations.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Sorry can you expand? I don’t understand.
TheBunk_TB 1y ago
Bad exposures/traumas early on possibly driving certain things that rev his engine, etc
salmonyellow 1y ago
So you're going on a girls trip to carnaval...... and you're worried about him going on a boys trip to carnaval? It seems like a double standard.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Yeah I know it does sound like one. My friends live in Miami and our intent is to dress up and drink. My boyfriend wants to go to Brazil for carnaval...and said he wants to go because of the women.
I definitely think I’m being a little bit hypocritical, but it’s not so much about carnaval. If I never saw the messages with his intent for the trip outside of carnaval I wouldn’t be so uneasy.
Edit: also to add, it’s not necessarily a girls trip. I invited him to come.
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hahastopjk 1y ago
You’re bored
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pearlsandstilettos 1y ago
Removed. Advice needs to be actionable for the OP. What you think her bf should do is beside the point because she only can control her own actions.
hahastopjk 1y ago
I hope he doesn’t. I could never trust someone who would disrespect me in that way.
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hahastopjk 1y ago
Don’t do what? I can’t really control him. If he decides he’s going on the trip, he’s going on the trip lol If it comes up again I’m going to tell him I’m not a fan of it but at the end of the day he’s going to make his choices.
Mirchii 1y ago
I don't know what you'd tell him. Coming from another guy if he were my mate I'd tell him he's being an idiot, he's got a new kid and a partner, wtf is he playing at? But I'm not sure how that would sound coming from you. Maybe you can ask one of his mates or his dad to talk to him man to man - give him a reality check. It's tough love - sometimes guys need a bollocking to keep 'em straight.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Okay I see what you’re saying. I gotta find a way to talk about it without letting my emotions take over. Thank you
Own-Grapefruit7309 1y ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Men are a lot of talk with their friends and certainly do not always act on the things they say. It’s stupid because we as women might talk about another guy and say “he’s hot, he has a nice body,” etc., we would never plan a damn vacation and talk about going to pursue these men bc they’re hot. I totally understand why you snooped and how you’re feeling about it after because I have done exactly the same. I think you should turn this opportunity into a chance to communicate your insecurities about a boys trip with the cheating friend for sure and also you him commenting on seeing “thick” women when you are not thick, or whatever else is really tugging at your heart. You don’t even have to say you snooped just say you know that’s how Carnaval is and it’s making you insecure. Be vulnerable. Talking to my SO is scary at times but I always feel better or at least have more clarity afterwards.
amhran_oiche 1y ago
the issue of you wanting to take a little trip with your friends is irrelevant to him also wanting to go to Brazil. he was planning that before you brought up your trip. I would be on high alert after what you read but I would have to gauge it with the rest of his character. instead of going on girls and boys trips, can you guys not go on a trip together somewhere? even a little staycation?
hahastopjk 1y ago
I would love if we all went to the same one! I suggested that too. I guess I’m not considering mine a girls trip because my friends literally live in Miami and I would be going to the event and coming back. He would be having a whole trip and doing things outside of the event. In my head, I don’t see them as equivalent but others are saying differently so I may need to rethink my mentality lol
abishagofthevalley 1y ago
They are NOT equivalent. Did you and your girls talk about all the hot guys roaming around the Miami carnival?
MrHistoryLesson 1y ago
You are both heading to events where sensuality is the main reason for people being there - it's almost the same.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Yeah the event itself is the same. I’m not opposed to him going to Carnaval. I invited him to come with me. His interest in women outside of carnival during his trip to Brazil is what is different.
I’m not going to Miami to see fine men. My friends live there, we are going to carnaval to dress up and drink, and then I’d be coming home.
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hahastopjk 1y ago
Please don’t be condescending (sweetheart). I’ve said it multiple times that the main issue isn’t Carnaval, it’s what could happen afterward and what appears to be his intent.
SunshineSundress 1y ago
Is your boyfriend your baby’s father? That makes a difference regarding how to go about this.
Sankdamoney 1y ago
It’s sad our society is in such degradation that you have to ask.
hahastopjk 1y ago
I don’t disagree. I thought the same thing when she asked me.
SunshineSundress 1y ago
I wasn’t trying to make a judgment of her situation. I just needed to know because my advice for man she has built a family with will be vastly different than my advice for someone she has recently started dating.
hahastopjk 1y ago
Yes, he is.
SunshineSundress 1y ago
I think the best bet is to talk to him about this. Open up to him and tell him that you’re feeling anxious about his boy’s trip. Tell him that you know there’s gonna be a lot of beautiful women there who are gonna be all dressed up (or not so dressed…) and partying in a sexualized way, and that makes you feel scared that something might happen between him and one of them. That you know that a lot of stuff tends to go down in Brazil where men travel to for hookups and beautiful women, and being home alone with a newborn isn’t exactly making you feel confident either.
If he brings up how you wanted to go to Miami’s Carnaval (which it seems like just brought it up to him to see what his reaction would be - classic shit test), you can either fess up about that or explain your anxiety - Miami is 3 hours away but Brazil is much further. Theoretically speaking, though, it would be just as easy for you to cheat on your trip as it is for him no matter the distance.
Watch what he says, and what solutions he offers you in light of your problem. Ideally, you would find a happy compromise.
Honestly speaking, you kind of shot yourself in the foot by bringing up something you wanted to do, but wouldn’t want him to do. It basically gives him a pass - he trusts you to go on your Carnaval trip, why won’t you?
And stop the snooping. You are in too deep to be not trusting the father of your child, who you admit has never given you reason for pause before.
hahastopjk 1y ago
You are 100% right. I honestly probably need to go to therapy for my trust issues. We spoke later on about the trips again and he asked when it was and I asked him the same and who all were going. He told me and I had said, I don’t know how to articulate it but this makes me really nervous. He said I shouldn’t be worried because they all have partners except for one of them, his 21 year old nephew. One of the guys is a known cheater and is the same guy he was messaging on Instagram.
Just to clarify... it’s not that I don’t want him to go to carnaval, it’s that I’m worried about his messages about finding women outside of the event. He’s all excited that his friend knows someone who can show them where to find women.
SunshineSundress 1y ago
Morality and mental health aside, there’s a BIG practical reason why snooping rarely works in your favor. It’s similar to a cop who illegally gathers critical evidence, but can’t use it in a court of law and has to waste time finding OTHER ways to solve his case, when there might not be any. That’s you right now - you can’t tell him any of the things you’ve learned from his messages, or else he can turn it into how you seriously violated his privacy and that your relationship has serious trust issues. It’s a lose-lose.
Then mention this when you talk to him about it. “A reason why I feel particularly anxious is because you’re going with _____, who we both know isn’t against cheating and bad at resisting temptation. It just makes me anxious that you’ll be in the same boat as him and that he may influence you to join him.” Although it is a bit relieving IMO that he’s going with a young family member. Most people do not want to do shady things in front of their family.
What do you mean by excited? In the post you said he just repeated that they should go during Carnaval time. Can you clarify?
hahastopjk 1y ago
Yeah I seriously need to stop. I can never bring this up and wouldn’t even want to because I know the trust issues is a “me thing”. I’ve always had it even outside of romantic relationships.
We’re both 28 so I don’t know if that makes a difference to the fact that his nephew is coming. I see what you’re saying though.
After he heard about the travel friend knowing hotspots and where to find women he said, “Oh he’s plugged in and knows where everything’s at. He’s coming. I can’t wait. We have to go.”
TheBunk_TB 1y ago
Serious question:
Is your bf like a proverbial cat that hunts/kills mice vs a proverbial cat that toys with the idea of hunting?
Neither are good but the answer might reveal what he is "getting" out of his actions. (Or at least some underlying psychological need).
None of which you mentioned looks good.
hahastopjk 1y ago
I’m not really sure. I have a hard time with figurative things but either way both options suck lol
SunshineSundress 1y ago
It’s a bit unclear. He could just be hyping the guy up and he never explicitly talks about wanting to meet up with women. But it’s pointless to speculate really. Just talk to your boyfriend! I hope things work out for you :)
hahastopjk 1y ago
Yeah, you’re right. I really appreciate your responses. This whole thing is probably silly but you took the time out to give productive insight. Thank you!
hellocairo 1y ago
Hi, my boyfriend and I went to Brazil a few months ago hoping to catch carnival. It is better to know someone to show you around, the “hot spots and the hookups” than to blindly go check out places. Yelp and google reviews aren’t the best out there. We did get lost trying to track down a few places using maps. And it’s definitely hard to communicate if you don’t know Portuguese. Sure you can use google translate but it’s a whole lot easier when someone is there to translate for you.
Also one thing to also consider is that the way they communicate with you is different when they’re talking to “their boys” and sometimes it may not be appealing to you. They can be talking about women, how they look, if they would smash etc. Those conversations are not meant for you to see. I grew up with brothers who talked to me as if I was one of their guy friends, so I somewhat understand the dynamic. Like some other posters mentioned, it’s really about his character and the person that knows him best to judge, would be you.
Another thing about the women in Brazil: yes they are hot, sexy, thick whatever it’s because majority of them are FIT, a lot will have the butt lifts and you’ll also see some thin women. Even the older women are fit, they wear skimpy bikinis but it’s normal in Rio by the beach. You will rarely see overweight/obese people which is pretty common in the US.
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pearlsandstilettos 1y ago
Removed. This isn't advice
hahastopjk 1y ago
What kind of answer are you expecting from me lol? We’ve literally never had any serious issues and I would’ve had no way of knowing this was going to happen when we first started dating.
espressolover18 1y ago
oh ok. Well, I'm sorry he's suddenly made such an about-face.
unlikely_creme77 1y ago
if you don’t think he should go, you shouldn’t be wanting to go yourself? location… irrelevant IMO
hahastopjk 1y ago
Yeah, that’s fair. The intent is my main issue. I definitely would be jealous if he got to go on a trip overseas and I went to Miami when we both go there all the time. My friends live there.
Also, I’m okay with not going. I only asked because my friends brought it up and showed me the outfit. I showed it to him to see if he’d be okay with me wearing it and going and even asked him to come.
Raspy410 1y ago
I wouldn’t be okay with this solely because of the talk about Hot Spots and hook ups. They’re all obviously going to try to hook up with some Brazilian women
Edit: maybe your man isn’t going to try to hook up with women but his friends definitely are
hahastopjk 1y ago
After reading the texts over and over, it seems like their saying he’s got the hookup like he’s the plug kind of thing. I could be wrong but yeah still a very bleak outlook for me in general about the discussion regardless.
Raspy410 1y ago
I’m the same way you are there, something like this would give me so much anxiety. I have insecurity and trust issues so I know how debilitating it can be. He could of also been talking like that to be “cool” to his boys. I would let him know how it’s making you feel or honestly if you really don’t want him to go tell him you don’t feel comfortable with him leaving the country while you guys have a young child. Going to Miami is completely different then going to Brazil
hahastopjk 1y ago
Yeah I’m honestly thinking I’m just gonna come clean and be 100% honest about everything and how I feel.
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hahastopjk 1y ago
I know he loves me. Never questioned that. The big deal is I am not okay with infidelity. It is a big deal to me and I’ve told him if it ever happened I would be gone.
I’m not mature, evolved, whatever enough to share someone I’m intimate with.
pearlsandstilettos 1y ago
Advice must benefit the woman asking for it
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hahastopjk 1y ago
Jealous??? Lmao no, I wanted him to come with me
Edit: Also, I don’t feel jealousy. I feel distrust...betrayal. That’s not the same.