I had an incident this past weekend that made me realize that I really can't afford to have people IRL know that I'm a RPW. As some of you may know I recently posted a photo of my painting in Dana's 'what are you making' weekly thread. Someone decided to investigate the image I posted and found it's exact likeness on another website, called me a thief and linked directly to the website which contained the same painting.
Now I don't know about any of you but I found that completely unnecessary to begin with and the person could have at least confronted me in private first but I digress, the website she linked to was my account under another alias. It panicked me though, I didn't know what to do because I'm an established artist both commercially and in the fine arts, taking commissions from several websites. The link could have been easily traced to some personal information that I use for selling my art and taking commissions (emails etc). What got me the most was knowing I could not afford the trouble of having people in real life associate me with TRP.
I know I over dramatized the whole ordeal because I had taken down my personal art website a few months ago as I'm unable to take commissions until we move again but I had completely forgotten about the few art sites my kids had me join with them. All I imagined was all these Bluepillers contacting my art studio either bashing me or trying to save me from myself! I do have mild anxiety issues and don't deal well with adrenaline rushes, lol.
It was my fault entirely for not thinking about how my images could be linked to my real life identity but it also made me think about how alienated I feel for being a RPW IRL. I should really have paid closer attention to this If you haven't read it yet, read it now and know that yes we can be targeted just because we're RPW. The comments on this post was what fueled my panic this weekend. Make sure you don't make the same mistake I made, it wasn't the end of the world and it's fine now but it showed me how easy it is for a simple oversight to potentially become unpleasant.
So I've been contemplating what happened these past few days and I feel it quite disquieting that because I place my husband first and try to improve myself daily in order to maintain a good relationship that this concept cannot be accepted or even tolerated and would damage my reputation.
Have you had any similar experiences or felt this way? I thought about it for a few days now and I just can't see any way around it. Other than here at RPW I can't reveal that I'm a RPW without suffering from ill consequences, in general. It really kind of bummed me out.
Katyara 10y ago
I understand your worry completely. I am so sorry you had this happen. Its a true sign of the hypocrisy of what feminism has become.
I will say that on a professional level I am fortunate not to have anything to worry about. On a personal level there are many things about myself people would not understand and this is just another one of them. There are things I just keep separate in the various social circles I am a part of. Some things I just don't discuss here and the things here I don't discuss in other places. Even social media that I use to keep in contact with family is filtered and bland. No one has a complete picture of what I besides BetterHalf, and I keep that close as to what matters. I don't think there's anything wrong or even 'cowardly' in doing so. It's no one business and protecting your personal space is fine. I am just sorry you had to go through that.
PhantomDream09 10y ago
Everyone: keep in mind that "having people know" isn't where the problems end. I know a user that was doxxed. They and their family were subject to random phone calls that were insulting and demeaning. Parents, relatives - all being harassed by strangers, and being told that this individual had to be confronted and controlled. This doesn't only affect you - it affects everyone that can be tied to you, your work, and your community.
Lady_Motido - I don't think you were overreacting, and if you need anything, let me know.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
And this is why I panicked. Thank you Phantom :) I don't think I've been the target of anyone's interest since having joined reddit, stalker-wise but I have pissed off a few people here on RPW. I've had a few disturbing PMs from BPers when one of the subs I mod was discovered by them so it really doesn't make me too comfortable.
[deleted] 10y ago
I think I'm more "afraid" of online peeps than real people. By afraid I mean how I react, not what they might do to me. I have a short fuse, you see. IRL people know me and know I don't take kindly to unwanted criticism, though I usually get my point across very calmly. The internet is a different story though. Some of the comments I've seen about RPW are just plain cruel and it's hard to contain myself when I really would like to let them know what I think, but of course, that would give me away, now wouldn't it?
Lady_Motido 10y ago
I know what you mean. For me it's not so much defending RPW but I can't seem to keep my mouth shut when someone's being obviously ridiculous or completely wrong. I've been pretty harsh at times, some of them thanked me others freaked out, hell a few times I went overboard and had to apologize. Being a RPW is a learning experience that never ends, some get it a lot don't.
swift-heart 10y ago
i only have one reddit account but i've been pretty careful about not including too much personal info in my posts here, and i don't use this exact username anywhere else. i'd never ever post photos of myself on reddit. i actually don't post many images of myself online in general. reverse image searching has become way too common nowadays and it makes me anxious.
i haven't been active in many other subs but i don't think many people have viewed my post history cause i've never gotten any negative comments or questions about being a rpw.
my mom would be thrilled about me gradually becoming more traditional, my dad would be indifferent and my bf seems accepting of it although he's not a trp member. at the moment i don't have many friends or a career so i'm not too worried about those areas of my life being negatively impacted.
edit-grammar
NataliyaKochergova 10y ago
I'm not from USA, so maybe it's different, but I'm posting with my real name. Maybe it's easy for me to do so, since I have no career yet and I'll have to build it while being obviously antifeminist. It's cool though, I got some ideas. And if no one hires me and put my skills to good use, their feminist selves will have to support me for the rest of their lives (yay socialism!)
But somehow I doubt it will happen, because I still get work right now (so does my bf).
I'll just go on with being honest, it's been working for me well so far. I also do some art, and don't think being a bit controversial is bad for an artist. On the contrary, this is where you can probably use it.
[deleted] 10y ago
lol its amazing
if it was bullshit dress-up BDSM or you were a gay man who took it in the ass you could shout it from the rooftops, but just being in a male led relationship is "embarrassing" and we have to hide. this is why the female herd always wins, because women arent mavericks
fuck everyone else in the ass. anyone that doesnt like my relationship can eat a bowl of dicks and die
MrsStrom 10y ago
I was thinking they could get face cancer, or maybe DIAF.
[deleted] 10y ago
bowl of dicks fo sho lol
Lady_Motido 10y ago
I thought this way too until it became a possibility that my job could be affected by it. Mind you my job isn't necessary and neither is my passion for art when it comes right down to it but it would certainly be easier if I didn't have to have any worries about it, you know? How do you think your position as a realtor would be affected if your clients saw the things you post?
[deleted] 10y ago
no i hear you. it just amazes me that everyone can be as out there as they want and its no problem, but we have to hide for being whats been pretty much normal for much of human history at least in the west
edit: yes, im lucky, i dont have to be a realtor. then again i have been doxxed and have written some pretty bad shit on the internet, i mean REALLY bad and nothings ever happened to me
Lady_Motido 10y ago
We need to organize yearly RPW parades /s Maybe we could all march dressed up in those gorgeous 50's dresses and wave gracefully to all the ugly biatches lining the roads to hate us.
That's the thing with rpw, we don't need the acknowledgment and we just do what we do in silence. It's truly amazing to be so ostracized for something so normal.
StingrayVC 10y ago
I think this is part of the reason they don't like us. We are happy. Genuinely so and we don't seek to pull others down. The fact that we push improvement is anathema.
[deleted] 10y ago
lol really. i like the parade idea :) i think youre worrying too much ;)
Lady_Motido 10y ago
That's what I do! I'm working on it though :)
[deleted] 10y ago
i can see how reddit would lead someone to your art, but how would your art lead someone to reddit? the posts are gone now
Lady_Motido 10y ago
I know, I had to delete the other painting I posted too. I wanted to be able to participate in that thread but with TinEye and those types of programs, I can't post any work that has already been posted on my other sites. As long as there was a copy of my work on another website some of those programs will detect it. I just never thought someone here would care let alone do something like that. It wasn't as though I was posting in a contest or anything!lol
There might be another way for me to continue participating but I need to research it first. I might be able to post photos taken at different angles instead of dead on which might fool those programs. It's like I said though, it's not the end of the world, just damned frustrating. I finally found a bunch of ladies I care about and respect; I thought it was such a great idea to have the craft thread since it's such a huge part of my life. You know how it feels, I bet it's the same with your beautiful quilts.
I just wanted to share my experience in case others might not have thought of these possibilities. It sucks even more because I work around computers all the time and really should have known better. I think a lot of my initial reaction was sheer embarrassment for being so careless.
[deleted] 10y ago
switch names here?
Lady_Motido 10y ago
As in start a new account and delete this one? I've thought about it and it would really suck to have to do it that way. If I disappear though, you'll know why :(
TVTestPattern 10y ago
This is one reason I browse this sub... it's easy to forget what RP is like from the female perspective.
Thanks.
I simply cannot imagine feeling like you do Lady_Motido... it never even hits my radar actually. I would almost never voluntarily associate with anyone who fits this description, business or otherwise.
Why the hell would I?
Don't want to do business with me because of your opinions about MY PERSONAL LIFE? Buh Bye then... Enjoy watching your competition profit from my participation.
Going to socially berate or shun me for being RP? Thanks in advance for not forcing me to do the leg work in filtering you out of my life.
It' s like that Sean Connery quote from The Rock. "Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen."
This actually reinforces why RP makes so much sense. I almost certainly should give at least a couple of fucks about the opinions of those around me who can influence my success, and I can get a sense of that from an excellent female partner that would likely escape me left to my own masculine mindset. Likewise, I bring a male-based "pretty sure I don't care" counterweight to the fear being generated by your concerns.
Perfectly complementary points of view like this often lead to the best solutions in my experience.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
My business is mostly web based so I'm not concerned about losing real life clients although it could still happen, it's the ones that will take the time to reverse search my work to make sure I'm legit that concern me. It blew me away that someone did it to me in an innocent little craft thread! wtf?
TVTestPattern 10y ago
Understood.
Haters gonna hate.
You can take steps to protect your identity. The real solution is to just be excellent though. I don't get paid for towing some philosophical line for my customers... I get paid for results.
I have fired numerous customers over the years for similar reasons. Some client has a problem with my stance on... whatever?
I'm not sticking around to experience other aspects of their stupidity.
next...
Lady_Motido 10y ago
Not everyone has that luxury though. It's a highly competitive field especially where most of it is web based, I'm competing with the world... there's always someone somewhere better than you.
TVTestPattern 10y ago
I understand, my career is highly competitive as well.
I didn't ship this way from the factory you know... took many years of concentrated effort in fact. And yes, I have compromised my values on more than one occasion chasing money, so I do get it. I just do not subscribe to this modern notion in business which says profit before people.
Best of luck with your business.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
Whoa, how did we get to compromising values to chase after money? Just so we're clear, I don't do that nor do I subscribe to the profit before people notion.
[deleted] 10y ago
This account is old, one I made years back when a friend introduced me to reddit. My username can easily be figured out by people I know, but I've invested so much time and energy here that I'm not willing to make a new account just to post here. If someone takes issue with it, I'll deal with it when it happens. So far, though, I've only gotten passive-aggressive behavior from my roommate over it.
My family would actually be pretty excited, I guess. Most of them are fairly traditional, so they'd take no issues with it. My writing fans and some friends, however, may take offense to me having a different POV than them (and openly so).
I get worried, but I figure if my friends are going to abandon me over a difference in opinion, they aren't friends worth keeping.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
I have dealt with getting rid of friends who refused to let it go a long time ago but this incident brought to my attention that my potential customers could be affected if they somehow decided to "investigate" my work and have it linked back to everything I have said here.
[deleted] 10y ago
Ah, yes, customers are a bit more worrisome. If I were more of an established author, I'd probably be terrified of them finding out. For now, I just publish online and haven't considered doing commissions, so I appear to be "safe."
I'm sorry you're going through this. :/ I wish it were possible for the feminists to quell their anger and allow women to have the choice to be traditional without getting so angry about it, like how the Scandinavian nations appear to be doing.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
I've honestly considered turning the focus of my art towards RP based themes just so I don't have to hide. The controversy of it might make me famous, lol!! Just kidding, I'm not that good.
[deleted] 10y ago
That would be wild! I don't know why people are so adamant about critiquing art based on the artist. I've read some beautiful writing from people I can't stand and recognize it's still great.
I would love to write from a more traditional standpoint just to go against the grain, but I also specialize in LGBT+ themes. Perhaps I can incorporate the feminine and masculine, even in an LGBT point of view. ;)
Lady_Motido 10y ago
I also do commercial art so it might impact my clients there too if I went too crazy with my fine art.
My girls do a lot of LGBT writing too. It must be a thing for your generation?? They incorporate the feminine/masculine pretty heavy in theirs, I don't think I could read it otherwise, lol.
[deleted] 10y ago
True. Being creative can be difficult if you don't quite fit what the mainstream wants.
It's due to the gay rights movement and all. Be a supporter by promoting the lifestyle in a positive light and show that LGBT couples are just like every other couple. They want more open representation in literature, I suppose it's to help them feel like they're less of outcasts in the world.
It's also very popular in the fandoms, since a lot of fans like to put their two favorite characters together. I used to write fan-based fiction when I was younger, but I don't do much fandom work anymore, though. I prefer creating my own characters and tales.
wearing_yoga_pants 10y ago
I'm a millennial so the odds aren't in my favor. Most people my age can't fathom the idea that this inflated feminism/borderline feminaziism they subscribe to can be detrimental to the delicate dynamic of intimate relationships. I tend to keep my thoughts to myself and simply choose not to participate when I know my friends are just going to a bar to get blacked out and hook up with guys. I do have a little bit of FOMO but I know in the long run at least I can respect myself and the decisions I make. Being a RPW is definitely not something I make known to people IRL.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
I know that most if not all of my extended family and friends would not understand this at all. I'm not sure how they would treat me but I'm guessing they would probably try to shame my husband and make me some kind of victim.
If nothing else we always have that on our side and we get to have great relationships with our SO :)
wearing_yoga_pants 10y ago
Amen to that!
mordanus 10y ago
Hey there. Just thought I would add my two cent to it. Get yourself a healthy dose of paranoia and never post anything about yourself online where other people can track you down. Anonymity is the best part of the internet and the thought that people would track me down takes away the fun.
TempestTcup 10y ago
Dang, that's scary; you can never be too careful!
I guess really that my life probably wouldn't change. I'm old and could retire tomorrow, but I like my job and it pays me a ton of money, so I'd rather keep it. My boss is roughly my same age, owns the company and has also been married 30 years; they have a very traditional marriage, too. I don't think he'd care much.
My family and friends already know I'm weird and really nothing would shock them now. Yeah, I'm fine if it happens but it would be inconvenient.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
lol, same here. I think in general my family would most likely shrug and say, yup that's her alright. I'm not terribly close to anyone other than my immediate family anyway. But like you I would hate to have it take away my income.
TempestTcup 10y ago
It's a career you have built, so it is extra scary. I'm an accountant and pretty much every company needs one, so I could always replace my job if I had to, but it would suck massively!
squishles 10y ago
No, reverse image searching your stuff to find your online accounts is pretty fucking creepy.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
I thought so too, but the panic I felt was a bit over the top, I'm a bit of a drama queen at times - still working on that ;)
TheToastTot 10y ago
My family would actually be pretty excited if they found out, however, my friends won't be. My female friends are all feminists. My best friend, also a feminist, knows I'm RP and thank god she doesn't let it affect our friendship.
little_red_ 10y ago
I'd rather find out people disdain me because I choose to be a worthy spouse for my man, helps me in culling the unworthy from my life ;)
I can see where the idea of it being an issue in your professional life could crop up, but hiding it feels like being ashamed of it, and I really can't grasp that concept.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
I'm in no way ashamed of being a RPW, I don't know how anyone would deduce this from my comment, my apologies if that's how it sounds; it doesn't change the fact that a large portion of my clientele would most likely find someone else purely based on my beliefs, just like they would if I were a Nazi sympathizer or a member of the KKK. I'm seeing a lot of ignorant assholes who can't and won't make informed decisions about leaving people's beliefs/sexual preferences/political preferences etc, etc out of work decisions, does that mean to show that I'm not ashamed I should announce it on my work profile that I'm a proud RPW and hope nobody cares? In a perfect world we would only be judged on our work performance but that isn't reality.
little_red_ 10y ago
Didn't mean to project that on to you, wasn't intending on putting words in your mouth, I totally get where you are coming from. I agree, its a sad but true reality, so I can see where you are coming from with your desire to shroud that part of you from your professional life. You are one of the great contributors here, I meant nothing negative! <3
Lady_Motido 10y ago
~hugs~ <3
blushing_goddess 10y ago
My friends would, if you'll mind my French, shit bricks. My employers would have no idea what it means, and my coworkers would look down on me. It sucks. Boyfriend doesn't know, it would freak him out because he hates the people on TRP subreddit. He doesn't disagree with the ideas, he just isn't bitter towards women like some of the guys there.
I had to make a new account for RPW, because I don't want anyone finding me. Oh well!
MrsStrom 10y ago
Have him try /r/AlreadyRed. Its not nearly as bitter. Mostly veterans.
blushing_goddess 10y ago
Good to know! Thank you. :)
[deleted]
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PhantomDream09 10y ago
You are assuming that only people that know you in your real life can expose your reddit identity. People are usually doxxed by complete strangers that simply have the time and patience to sift-through your information.
[deleted]
MrsStrom 10y ago
In all honesty, I'm not worried much about my friends and family finding out I'm red. What I am slightly worried about (to the point of not even discussing where I'm from with SH) is SRS/TBP finding out who I am IRL. I don't need a stalker.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
Yeah, I was a bit freaked especially when I reread the Surf Safely thread, just how easy it is for some hackers to get enough information from what you say online to find you. With me, it wouldn't have been my personal email, instead the one created especially for my art but still, having to dump it because of BP haters or just reddit weirdos in general would have been a real pain in the patootie!
Bakerofpie 10y ago
Firstly, I am sorry that happened to you. I can completely understand the anxiety.
I had originally wanted this name to be anonymous, but my friends and husband who are active on TRP know me too well, so I gave up on that pretty quickly. I tend to get embarrassed when every little silly thing I say is there for someone else to read and roll their eyes at, but it hasn't seemed to stop me from contributing yet. I do get nervous about friends from other subs stumbling upon RPW and figuring out my username. It's not like it's a huge deal, but I don't want to deal with it. I don't need people arguing with me about my relationship.
Basically, I don't think I would mind people figuring out that I'm a member of RPW, but I would have a problem with people in my life and strangers knowing my actual username and the specifics of what I talk about here. I am far more candid here than I would be with anyone besides close friends, and the relative anonymity makes me more comfortable in doing so.
Lady_Motido 10y ago
This is exactly what I feel. If that gets compromised I feel that I wouldn't be able to participate and just go back to lurking.
Bakerofpie 10y ago
I agree. I enjoy having a place to be candid (and frankly I sort of have fun being able to express some of my more "offensive" anti-feminist views), and if suddenly I had to be accountable to anyone and everyone who could link me to my profile and see me in daily life I would stop posting. It would sort of defeat the purpose. I hope that doesn't happen, though, because I get through a lot of lonely days where I am starved for stimulating conversation here!
Lady_Motido 10y ago
When it first happened I figured I had to make a choice between my art and RPW. Art has been a passion of mine since I was a wee lass but RPW has saved my marriage so it was a no brainer to shut down the art sites. I had to rethink and redo my art site anyway and the thought of leaving RPW was disconcerting to say the least!
[deleted] 10y ago
Sucks that we have to be in hiding...
There's the privacy side of things that we wouldn't want people to know the inner workings of our sex lives, relationship details or questions about our struggles that we pose to the community.
But there's the RP side of things that gets criticized just for the label and this seems unduly harsh. It must be extremely terrifying for people to consider that women are an active part of this community and it's not just a bunch of he-man-woman-haters from the Little Rascals!
Lady_Motido 10y ago
too funny!
That's what it feels like, we're in hiding, and for what? I've felt this way far too long TBH.