Without going into too many details, my SO owns his own well respected business. For many years it was just him, and last year he hired a full time assistant because he was too busy.
80 hour work weeks are normal for him. He was just offered an INCREDIBLE opportunity by one of his clients that will be a "short term" project estimated at 1-2 years on contract basis with regular international travel (think 4-5 days at a time, quarterly). His plan is to not give up his practice on top of this new project. He has hired a young associate to help pick up the slack.
We discussed this over dinner last night, he's pleased and flattered at the opportunity, but this will be a LOT more on his plate. He basically gave me an "apology in advance" for how busy and preoccupied he will be once this project starts next month.
The poor man already considers Saturday's his "day off" because he only works 4-5 hours from home.
I already take care of 90% of what goes on at home. He likes to cook sometimes, and handles his car maintenance and sometimes takes his things to the cleaners. I'm concerned about him picking up all of this.
I'm not trying to ask him not to take it, it's a fantastic opportunity and we have long term goals that this will really help achieve.
If you knew your man would be working 100+ hour weeks for the next couple years, what would you do to help him?
I'm thinking of cutting my hours back with work so I can assist more at home, and be available if they need more help at the office.
We've got vacation at the end of the month, so I've got plans to spoil him. Other than that I'm at a loss.
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SuperSlavisWife 8y ago
1: Food. Make sure it's made in advance, wholesome and easy to eat quickly. Easy to eat makes a big difference.
2: Sex. Make sure he gets it when he's in the mood. Men do better when they have sex fairly regularly, but his mood could be killed by stress, so when it hits, it will hit hard.
3: Space. When he's home and working, imagine there's a bubble around him. Even if you're in the room, be quiet and patient.
4: Errands and secretarial tasks. If he needs to make a few phone inquiries like "is X in tomorrow?" or "what dates work best for this meeting?", offer to make them for him. Same for filing things, moving things around, sending emails, etc.
5: Get stuff ready. Iron his shirts and hang his clothes out for him. Make sure his food is ready to go into his bag when he's having lunch away. Do everything you can so he doesn't have to worry about little tasks.
Good luck! I hope it all comes good and in a few years he's working 30 hour weeks from home. :)
happyrpwoman 8y ago
30 hour weeks from home sounds like a dream :) thanks so much xo
KatherineKelly 8y ago
I would be worried about growing apart when so much time is spent working by one or both in a relationship.
I would try to find ways to connect in those special ways when there is nothing but the two of you being aware only of each other. Sex sometimes can get weird when you lose this closeness. It can feel mechanical and cold.
Taking a bath together if you both can fit in the tub with a glass of wine or whatever helps you unwind.
Mainly having him all to yourself without talk about work and family stuff.
In our busy lives it is really easy to end up strangers in a relationship because each person is pulled in different directions.
You see this alot when one partner is in the military and is gone for months at a time.
Wonderful suggestions about caring for him specifically but I'm worried about the "caring for the both of you as a couple" and also about your own emotional and physical needs for connection and intimacy.
100 hours a week for two years when there are only 168 hours in a week to start with is kind of worrisome. His health could be affected.
happyrpwoman 8y ago
God, this is so great. You SO get it. Thank you so much.
We've spent the last three years dealing with a hectic schedule already, and he's even said before "you are my safe haven" so I know I'm getting some of my care taking right. I love that you mentioned the tub - we have a big one and take one together religiously once a week & it's always the highlight for me :)
His health is a concern for me too. I have a background in nutrition, so I plan his meals specifically in hopes of getting all he needs in that regard. I drop off food at the office every Tuesday with healthy snacks for him to have at his desk.
Our schedule these days seems to be: he gets home at 8, we have a light dinner, and relax on the couch, where he's usually asleep in my lap by 930, the end. His heavy head is resting on me now, actually :)))
Last weekend he slept 11 hours Friday, Saturday night, and almost as much Sunday night. I'm always glad for him to rest, but am concerned at the sleep debt he racks up mid week. He's naturally very high libido (his ideal is every day, mine too) but with work he's only initiating a couple times a week just out of pure exhaustion. I initiate in the mornings, which he likes. But I just know he's running on fumes. I'm so concerned.
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Disappear_vanish 8y ago
Food and sex.
This might sound kind of frivolous, but food. Leave baked goods or make some protein bars for the office. Drop them off fresh on a simple, nice serving plate. NOT TUPPERWARE. Even if he never sees your face because you've only got time to swing in, dump the goods, and speed to work/wherever, it's a practical "I love you" at his convenience. He will know they're from you.
I wake up practically in the middle of the night to bake things for my man to have at the office. Let me tell you, he wakes up at 5am to a house that already smells like oatmeal raisin cookies, his day is off to a fantastic start. The smell of baking is as good as the taste. Believe me.
Make bread. It's so simple, fast, and an enormous comfort. I give my husband bread at work all the time and all the guys are always asking when I'll send more loaves in. I usually drop them off warm wrapped in brown paper so they don't get soggy. I can give you a recipe that yields 2-3 loaves and takes 2-2 1/2 hours start to finish with about 10 of those minutes being hands on if you're interested, no there's no kneading. But girl, cook! Bring him hot homemade meals every chance you get.
He's going to be working hundred hour weeks. This doesn't mean you will have a hundred hours a week worth of support to lend. You may, and you may not but wish you did. Either way, be a soft spot for him to land at the end of the day. Being dressed and made up when he drags himself in very late or while he's holed up on his home office still count, but he'll probably never mention it.
And sex. He's going to be living at the office, so you know this means you have a perfect opportunity to make it a more pleasant work environment for him. Find a slow time for him and visit wearing slutty lingerie and belted trench coat is practically required at least once, right?
Sexting and nudes may or may not be your thing, but everyone likes humor. Send him silly things or funny things occasionally. Any way to lighten the mood in ways that don't distract him. You're his fun, sweet, happy gal.
Kiss him hello and goodby every single day. Every. Single. Day.
It's going to be hard to watch him have bad days and bad weeks. There's little you can do in some situations. He took this on because he has a dream he wants to make real. He chose the hard work, he set his jaw, and he's going to be a better man on the other side of it. Sounds like you have a great and driven man in your life. This is a great opportunity for him.
Edit: bread.
5-6 cups flour
1.5 tbs yeast
1.5 tbs salt
3 cups water
If you have a thermometer, make the water 100-105 degrees. If no thermo., just kinda warm. Not too hot, it kills the yeast. Kind of like warm bath water. If it feels almost the same temp as your hand it's probably good.
Put the water and the salt in a large bowl and stir. Add the yeast and stir a few laps around the bowl is good. Cover for 5 minutes or so with plastic wrap (loosely) or a kitchen towel. After 5 minutes (or ten or fifteen or however long because I occasionally get busy and forget!) add 5 cups of flour and mix with a spoon or fork until a loose, very sticky dough forms. It doesn't take long, just get the pockets of flour mixed in.
Put the plastic wrap or towel back over it and wait about an hour or 90 minutes.
Preheat the oven to 450. Spray a bread pan with cooking spray and scoop about half of the dough into it in a relatively uniform-shaped log. Bake at 450 for 25-30 minutes uncovered. Dump out of pan immediately. It's going to be hotter than the sun for about 15 minutes. These keep well on the counter unwrapped. If you cut a chunk off, put the open/cut end down on a cutting board or plate or whatever and slip a paper lunch bag over it.
vintagegirlgame 8y ago
Aka keep his belly full and balls empty!
unrepentanteve 8y ago
What is wrong with Tupperware?
Disappear_vanish 8y ago
Someone else asked and I answered below. Basically, girl game, you can do better, and the little things count.
ColdEiric 8y ago
What's wrong with Tupperware? And this isn't a fuck-you-my-Tupperware-is-perfectly-fine-what's-wrong-with-you-question. I want to know why you you seem to dislike Tupperware so much.
Disappear_vanish 8y ago
I don't mean the brand Tupperware, I have a drawer full of it and I love it for storage.
It's just not a serving plate.
Presentation makes food taste better to the people eating it.
If the food won't all get eaten or taken, which hasn't happened yet, then there are bags for easier transport on the way back.
TL;DR- It's proper, looks nicer, is a touch of home in a fast food world, and I can do a hell of a lot better.
ragnarockette 8y ago
I'd guess the same thing that's wrong with jeans and a t-shirt.
ColdEiric 8y ago
Please, tell me what you dislike with jeans and a t-shirt, and what you'd prefer instead and why.
Edit after TempestTcup's reply: I meant on guys. I already have my opinion of girls with jeans and a t-shirt, so I'm fine on that.
TempestTcup 8y ago
It's funny but when I was bartending in college, if I wore a plain white T-shirt and Levis, I always made way more tips than if I wore a cute little skirt or dress. It was a bar that had mainly male patrons, and the age was a little older than college age. So, I would say nothing is wrong with a T-shirt and jeans, in fact, I think a lot of men might prefer them over something fussy :)
iylia 8y ago
Inspiring :) how do you manage it? are your sleep schedules very different, can I ask?
Disappear_vanish 8y ago
I just set an alarm and wake up and get it done. When I do this it's usually around 4, 430. He leaves at 530-545. If I get carried away and bake more batches than I had planned or decide to bake a few diff kinds, I'll just load the kids in the car and drop them off to him.
Our schedules are pretty much the same. We get to sleep around midnight and wake up around the same time. I usually ask him to wake me when he leaves.
rpkarma 8y ago
I'm on mobile, so I'm commenting to say great post and I can't wait to try the recipe; saving it for later!
Disappear_vanish 8y ago
It's really foolproof. If you don't have measuring utensils, just keep the basic proportions. I've been making all kinds of baked goods and breads for a very long time and I just use this one every day.
Sometimes I'll spray the bread pan and then sprinkle the edges with garlic salt before I drop the dough in. Then I sprinkle the top w garlic salt and bake it that way. Everyone loves it.
I used to make the more complicated bread recipes but nobody noticed a difference and time is precious so I love this.
happyrpwoman 8y ago
Great reminders!!! I love baking bread :) check out /breadit if you haven't!
blahblahwordvomit 8y ago
I just wanted to say that if you plan on leaving him treats you should probably pack them in something a little more practical than a plate. Cute cellophane bags or cupcake boxes are pretty much made for this, with the added bonus of keeping the food fresh if he isn't hungry or is out. Also, it keeps away ants.
Disappear_vanish 8y ago
I used to but there wasn't a lot of variety. And I don't have time for all the all day bread recipes, I make variations of this simple one, and some sourdough.
TheThingsIThink 8y ago
Allow me to add there is something magical about finding your clothes pressed and hung up waiting for you
happyrpwoman 8y ago
Fantastic addition! Thank you!! This has been a great discussion.
BeautyQuark 8y ago
He most likely will want help on the basics in life. Look into Maslow's hierarchy of needs to understand the things that will have the biggest impact. He will be spending most of his time in the self-actualization level. To compliment this, you should work from the bottom of the hierarchy up. Focus on home life and expand upwards along the hierarchy.
Dress nicely and be sexy when he gets home from work. Initiate sex (physically, not hinting) and don't take it personal if he is tired. Food, and drink ready for him when he gets home. Clean clothes laid out for him in the morning, with a hint of your perfume on them. Basically, make home a haven of rest where he only has to deal with real family problems and not drama. Help him with his social calendar and remind him of important dates. Trust me, if he is anything like me, those things will make him appreciate you more than you will ever be able to understand.
happyrpwoman 8y ago
Was looking for different outside perspectives and this hits the spot. Just printed this out. Thank you so much. Will update as this develops.
TheTerrorSquad 8y ago
Everything
Ask him. Tell him youre prepared to cut your hours or anyhting he thinks may help. Ask him "what do you need from me?"
happyrpwoman 8y ago
Ugh, I know right. That's how I feel.
I've been helping at the office when they've got major deadlines lately. He doesn't want me to work for him just so he can feel separate home/work life (totally understandable) but I may pitch in more behind the scenes to see if it benefits his load.
StingrayVC 8y ago
Add little female symbol thingy here that my computer won't do.
TheTerrorSquad 8y ago
Thank you muchly
jocrue 8y ago
Make sure all of the house work is done while he is away. Other than minor tidying, cooking, and things that are unavoidably day-to-day: you should not be focusing on keeping house when he gets home. When he gets home, the focus should be on spending time together and helping him to unwind.
Be ready to greet him when he gets home. There is nothing worse than coming home to be mildly ignored. Chances are he will be exhausted and want to relax, so exude that energy. Be calming and soothing, listen instead of yammer on about yourself.
Anticipate his needs, have the groceries you need for meals you will be making him. Pre-make snacks, and do food prep so that you can focus your energies on his needs as much as possible.
It's going to be difficult, and it will take a lot of energy and effort to support him fully and selflessly during this time. Talk with him and the two of you can determine if you need to cut back your hours.
Good luck!
Chelseaqix 8y ago
Wow, this is really great. I like this sub. Thank you.
hikari-boulders 8y ago
Man here. I disagree. Coming home to nagging and requests is worse.
I'm not saying you can't talk household-business with a man if you need to. But just don't welcome him with household-business. A man usually likes the first few minutes quit and calm when he comes home.
jocrue 8y ago
Yeah, nagging is obviously worse. I was assuming OP would chose not to greet her spouse that way.
In my experience/household, my partner likes to be greeted. This doesn't mean jumping all over him or being too high-energy, just a moment of appreciation to let him know that he has been missed.
hikari-boulders 8y ago
Of course, I was just putting in a technicallity that there is something worse. (maybe I'm a closet grammar nazi ;)).
Good work, keep at it.
happyrpwoman 8y ago
All great reminders :) thanks so much
jocrue 8y ago
:) No problem.
I'd like to hear how this works out for you. Currently my situation is almost the exact opposite of yours. I've been working 60 hour days, away from home 5 days a week for the past year. It's a challenge.
happyrpwoman 8y ago
Oh my god, that's killer. So sorry. Is that ending any time soon?
jocrue 8y ago
Hopefully we will be starting a local business in about a year, but until then we're in semi-long-distance purgatory.
I'm so amazed and grateful that my man is as patient and understanding as he is. A big struggle for me is to switch out of stressed out work-mode when I get home on Friday night. I've been guilty of nagging and berating more than once in the past year, but I'm really trying to work on it.
My mantras to get through this and be as pleasant as possible are:
suck it up.
lord-denning 8y ago
As someone who has put in the 100+ hour weeks to build something for family, I am really heartened to see this kind of pre-emptive effort. It will really go a long way.
I want to address potential pitfalls you should keep in mind. Remember some TRP basics which may or may not apply in your case (and for which you might not need a reminder): just because he doesn't spend as much time with you doesn't mean you should feel neglected. If you are feeling like you need more attention, schedule it so you get it from him (rather than anyone else) even if you have to wait. The usual.
Finally. I can tell you that all hours are not created equal. Ramping up from 40 to 60 a week is relatively easy. 60 to 80 takes some planning and reourcefulness. 80 to 100 takes a determined effort and regular assessment to ensure home life, health and wellness needs are met. 100+ for an ongoing period is challenging to say the least and I would be surprised if there are not teething problems on the way. For your part, if you see red flags, point them out in a matter of fact way and let him decide how to deal. There is no need to sugarcoat any issues you see but no need to dwell.
Some of the best advice is already in this thread. Just straight up ask what you can do to help. It goes without saying that when you are able to snatch a few minutes together you should snuggle up and keep your physical bond as strong as possible. Good luck and again it is heartening to see this kind of support for a family effort.
happyrpwoman 8y ago
So glad to see your perspective, thank you. I know he's working hard for Us, so I want to work hard to make it easier on him. My big fear is home becoming a burden after such a long work day - so I try to make every night feel like vacation as much as possible.
bicepsblastingstud 8y ago
Strong post.
FuzzyKittenIsFuzzy 8y ago
I'd ask if he can hire a third person. Aside from that, I'd keep a list of things he's mentioned he finds relaxing, and keep them on a regular rotation.
happyrpwoman 8y ago
Ugh, I wish he would. im hoping with me cutting hours and helping at the office more, he'll let me take on a little more responsibility so he can have a real day off every once in a while. Thanks for the help.