I was recently introduced to the red pill theory and forums by a friend of mine after a discussion about marriage problems.
I've more or less realized that I agree with red pill 100% although I do still have trouble accepting bits here and there.
My problem is I believe I've married a beta. I love my husband dearly but we rushed into marriage for stupid reasons and have only been married a little over a year. Lately I've begun to question if he's the right guy for me. He's a good guy with good intentions and I do love him but I feel I've been pushed into the dominant role. I provide financially almost 100%. I make all the decisions as well. How do I switch these roles around? I don't want to trade up but I do want an alpha! =/
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expat229 10y ago
If the guy is beta, he'll likely stay that way.
As a man, my advice is cut the relationship now, before kids. I know, cold. But if he's beta, and you self-consciously want an alpha, you will wind up hating him and eventually cheating on him. When/If you have a child with him, you'll be stuck.
Better cut him now, then find yourself someone whom you respect. Because this isn't anything other than a respect issue. You do not respect him. You want him to change so that you WILL respect him. But people don't change, especially if they have no incentive.
Just my 2ยข.
expat229
Bakerofpie 10y ago
My husband was beta when we got together, but has become far more alpha and now I feel has a perfect mix. My attraction for him SKYROCKETED when he started exhibiting more consistently alpha behavior. I found that for me personally, all it took was me opening up and giving myself over to his influence. I was fighting his control and since he is naturally more of a beta he didn't have enough control in the first place to take it back. Once I realized I was doing this and standing in my own way of the relationship I wanted I worked on myself and he filled in the rest. I don't know how you are in your relationship, but I put way too much of the expectations on him to be dominant and didn't consider that I needed to move over and be more submissive rather than expecting him to beat me over the head with it until I gave in. I think that most beta men of quality and character only need a little push and the vote of confidence from their partner to move into a more dominant role. Good luck, and I believe you will see a huge rise in marital happiness as you begin to work on this together.
JT91733 10y ago
coming from a man... make him study martial arts to give him sense of purpose
margerym 10y ago
First of all: it's okay if your husband is Beta. The Beta/Alpha stuff is really confusing as it gets thrown around for so much and has so many definitions.
Here's the thing: very very few men are bona fide Alphas. Most men are Beta males. The point isn't to make every man an Alpha (that's impossible) but to bring up Alpha traits in men.
I do understand your meaning here and hope is not lost! Men are emasculated by our culture so it often times takes some doing to repair that. What it comes down to is 1) being more feminine yourself (which attracts and brings out masculinity) and 2) getting out of the way so he can take over 3) valuing him and building him up from there (ie: actually value and take to heart what he says and praise him for what he does. All too often we get caught in nagging and only pointing out the negative and we also tend to not value his opinion or contributions)
Here are some hopefully helpful links:
The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle
5 Baby Steps to DeShrewing
Stop Doing it For Him
Create a Vacuum and He Will Fill It
dischordiasnightmare 10y ago
You could use the same kind of conditioning that TRP uses to train their females. Encourage dominant behaviour by responding positively 'it turns me on when you take charge/do something else manly' followed by a touchy flirt, and ignore the beta by not responding with words or body language- not be bitchy, just be blank.
Why are you the sole provider?
MegMartinson 10y ago
Read about operant conditioning.
jennyebrooke 10y ago
Mostly just crappy luck. He's had a few jobs here and there but they either don't pay worth a shit or he ends up losing them for one reason or another. I had a decent job when we got together. I've since switched jobs but mine's always been more stable than his. And I think now he's kinda in this state where either he feels he doesn't want or doesn't need to find one because I support him. I don't want to say that it's laziness or he's taking advantage of me but sometimes it does feel that way.
dischordiasnightmare 10y ago
As /u/MegMartinson said, read about the Operant Conditioning methods. You can use the same information to encourage him to get a job. The methods are basically indirect hypnotism.
Writing a plan of attack (and hiding it of course) may be useful. Start with 2-3 main things, stick to them, deal with the small stuff last.
Good luck.
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jennyebrooke 10y ago
Well he'll get a job for awhile then lose it. Sometimes his fault sometimes not. In the beginning he seemed to really be trying but more and more lately it doesn't seem like there's much effort there. If I say anything about it or just ask I get this kinda half-assed "I'm looking." And nothing else.
I think he was broken when we first got together and then for awhile he seemed better but I think he's starting to fall more into that lazy and manipulative category. There are times when I'm starting to feel used. I support him while he hangs out and does a whole lot of nothing.
He has great potential, I feel like I need to get him back on the right track and get his priorities in line. Just not sure how or where to start.
ubrayj02 10y ago
Maybe the work he's doing is meaningless labor that only feed coins into a vending machine lifestyle (pay to play American consumption). Meaningful work might be what he needs, perhaps.
[deleted] 10y ago
this is an excellent point. both fight club and office space made this point about male nature and modern work.
Offensive_Brute 10y ago
Its a bad situation. I know from first hand experience that being the economic albatross is the relationship is not a position from which dominant masculine endeavors can be launched. You need to find a way to motivate him to get financially empowered before the rest can fall into place.
You just can't feel like a man when your wife is filling the mans role, ie. bringing the bulk of the resources from the outside into your home.
people can talk all the bullshit they want about this and that, but our self worth as humans is still very much tied to paleolithic gender roles.
I hope the guys at /r/theredpill see this, so they can see why I'm always telling them to date girls that are economic lessers.
jennyebrooke 10y ago
I guess that's my main problem. How to motivate him to become the breadwinner. He says that's what he wants when we talk about it but I have yet to really see the effort to back that statement up.
ubrayj02 10y ago
You know, there might be productive work for him to perform in the home that will bring real value (aside from housework). If he has a set of skills, is able to fix things, or work on a certain type of special problem - that might provide a conduit of not only supplementary income but a sense of purpose for him. There is also a lot of food & clothing needs that can be met by a stay-at-home partner - and that can turn you guys into a real economic unit. Intensive gardening, grey water systems, bicycle powered machines for washing, food processing, etc. - all of these things can provide material goods (allowing you to bank your income instead of using it on consumables) and be a vehicle for self worth for the person doing these various projects.
This is just an idea - one I've gathered from reading a few different writers on the slow collapse of American civilization.
Offensive_Brute 10y ago
whats his career field and educational background? Finding a job that allows him to be the breadwinner is easier said than done. Our dual income family society and feminism have sought to put an end to this aspect of the male identity for some decades now, and has mostly succeeded. this is why philosophies like The Red Pill need to exist in the first place. These days the only fmilies that can be single earner are wealthy families or poor families.
jennyebrooke 10y ago
His education is about the same as mine. Work history is better. Neither of us have much either way but I'm able to support us on $8.50 an hour so I'm sure he can do it too.
Offensive_Brute 10y ago
start talking to him about having kids, like seriously, in the near future. Maybe that will slap some sense into him. Even if you are just bluffing. Babysit for a friend or a sister or cousin. So thats theres a baby around you both for some length of time. Help him imagine the family he will have if he gets off his ass. igure out what might work for you and your husband , I'm just shooting ideas at you.
DONT HAVE A KEEP-A-NIGGA BABY, because while it might inspire the guy to get his shit together, it will also probably inspire him to resent you. Especially if you guys are young, which I think you are.
A career in military might be another thing to look into. Get some pamphlets like they are for you, and leave them around where he might see one.
[deleted] 10y ago
http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/
secularist42 10y ago
Get to the Married Mans Sex Life forum...stat.
margerym 10y ago
^ THIS!
SocialDarwinist 10y ago
MMSL alpha'ed me up. A lot of us married betas are natural alphas who work hard to repress who we really are. Giving yourself permission to be a man is one of the most liberating experiences a guy can have.
secularist42 10y ago
Absolutely...I went from Alpha at 19-25 to beta until 38 to Alpha again to present at 44. So happy and fulfilled with where I am in comparison with where I was. Whew!
[deleted] 10y ago
Relationship 911 subforum, more specifically.
secularist42 10y ago
And fill out the triage questionnaire.
sugarcrush 10y ago
How does he respond when you take the submissive role? If this is a 100% change for him, have you tried something small like leaving the dinner or date plans up to him?
[deleted] 10y ago
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jennyebrooke 10y ago
I think my husband has the potential to be more alpha. He was in past relationships and he was more so with me in the beginning. It's the last year or so where things have really changed.
I imagine part of it is because I have assumed the dominant role, not out of want but out of necessity. I don't know if it's stayed that way because of comfort or what.
aiaisamurai 10y ago
If you love your husband, you could always talk to him openly about your concerns instead of coming to a forum, calling the person you married a beta and getting advice like "condition him like TRP trains their females".
TRAIN.
These are people we are talking about. In this case a person you LOVE right? Doesn't it seem weird to adress your situation in this terms?
margerym 10y ago
What are you even talking about? Can the trolls please start learning what TRP actually is before posting?
Thanks!
jennyebrooke 10y ago
I've talked to him about it. Not necessarily in TRP terms. That hasn't really worked which is why I'm here.
And just because we love each other doesn't mean we can't train each other into the behavior we want to see.
Perhaps you don't agree with TRP as much as you think you do? There are still parts that are hard for me to swallow sometimes.
[deleted] 10y ago
those are common and proper terms here, castigating people for using them isnt appropriate, this isnt /r/relationships
aiaisamurai 10y ago
Still pretty bad.
[deleted] 10y ago
then dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya
[deleted] 10y ago
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aiaisamurai 10y ago
I agree we are animals. We are a bit more evolved than other animals though, aren't we? Yes, we still have instincts and are dominated by them a lot BUT there are things such as empathy, affection, I don't know, respect for others.
Of course Love isn't magic. That isn't my point at all.
Don't call it trolling just because I don't agree with your concepts, though. It's just disagreeing and expressing my opinion, not trolling.
(I upvoted you because even though you called me a troll, you made correct points to defend your point of view. See, I'm reasonable and stuff. :P )
[deleted] 10y ago
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TempestTcup 10y ago
LOL, troll begone! POOF!
[deleted] 10y ago
right on!!
Meterus 10y ago
What would he do if he "caught" you reading, say, 50 Shades of Gray, the Gor sci-fi/fantasy series, or the books by Jaqueline Carey about Kushiel's Avatar?
mechakingghidorah 10y ago
Isn't that the book series about holy prostitutes?
He may get the wrong idea if she reads those books.
Meterus 10y ago
They do have some prostitutes devoted/attached to the religions. I'm waiting to see if the author writes more on the D'Angelines, though. Jaqueline Carey has crafted herself an alternate history-type series that's different enough to be interesting.
jennyebrooke 10y ago
Caught? I've never hid anything from him. I've read 50 shades and told him about it. Of course I thought it sucked... I haven't read the others but I've read Anne Rice's sleeping beauty trilogy. He knows about it and is fairly indifferent.
margerym 10y ago
This is all kink. I wonder what would happen if you started reading classic books and lamenting "the way things were... when men were men and women were women" type of thing. Not suggesting this is a fix but there is a difference between kink and a relationship change like this. I'm also not knocking kink. (I love the Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty trilogy)
jennyebrooke 10y ago
Good point. Worth a try.