I was walking through /r/deadbedroom and I couldn't help feeling extremely sad when I see those post about how people just live with it and end up in an unhappy relationship. I know in a way it's inevitable as you get old, but what do you ladies do to keep the fire alive?
MentORPHEUS 8y ago
Successful LTRs need companionate love to thrive through the natural ups and downs of passionate love. Many people never grow their companionate love skillset; some bounce from one short term relationship to the next, riding the wave of newness; others wind up staying together but grinding each other down, which builds resentments that inhibit and destroy passionate love.
Passionate love cooling off a little from its initial peak may be inevitable, but it being destroyed entirely by a poor day-to-day relationship is most definitely NOT. I posit that the underlying problems of dead bedrooms are outside of the bedroom; this is the symptom not the cause.
cats_or_get_out 8y ago
Inevitable? I disagree. There are periods in your marriage when things might slow down for a while (depression, new baby, etc.), but these can be temporary. The woman needs to make it a priority. Each does this is in her own way.
My husband and I have been married 13 years. Ours might be a unique case because we aren't together all the time. He has deployed a lot (5 combat tours). Neither of us take bedroom time for granted.
Women have a lot of power to set the tone for a peaceful marriage. Sex is like marriage glue. It's the most intimate form of communication.
Strongproudwoman 8y ago
Off topic.
What is your husbands military trade?
cats_or_get_out 8y ago
He's the man you want on the ground with your team when you need close air support. (USMC)
SupermanSpankedLois 8y ago
Seriously, talk to people who actually work with older people (like in nursing homes). Age does not automatically equal lack of interest in or lack of sex. it just might not look as good on video, that's all.
crapshack 8y ago
I don't think it's inevitable either (though we're only in our 30's - 31f & 37m) I'm probably low libido but I make an effort, and we try to have some fun with it by doing different things. I'm always glad that I did afterward (he's great), I just have to push myself to get going sometimes. I track the days that we are intimate in my period tracker app which helps. My SO has a high libido, and making sure I meet those needs is just as important as any other! Bonding on that level is what keeps us in love after 5 years. We both work hard and it's a great stress reliever.
cats_or_get_out 8y ago
I think you hit the nail on the head! We just have sometimes have to push ourselves to get going.
It's like running. It takes effort to get on the exercise clothes, get the water bottle, etc., and a lot of discipline to resist the urge to slack off. But once I'm two miles into my run, I'm having the best time. I never say, "Gee, I wish I would have stayed home instead of exercising." The same is true for bedroom time.
Marriedwithkidz 8y ago
I don't know, spark and attraction is still very much there after almost 23 yrs together. We nap togeher in the afternoon, then go for a walk and talk about anything and everything and most nights we have fun in the sack. There are a few exceptions like if when we are both exausted or if one of us is sick but mostly we are on the same page.
Sinkip 8y ago
I also disagree that it's inevitable. I make an effort to initiate bedroom time once a day and let my man decide how far he wants to take things. He tends to get so engrossed in his work that he forgets about his own needs in that department, but a little effort to look nice and put the thoughts in his head will remedy that pretty quickly.
SouthernPetite 8y ago
Plan for it. I know it doesn't sound incredibly romantic, but you won't do what you don't plan for.
I make it interesting by having formal "shows". Some basic knowledge of burlesque, lap dancing, and stripping go a long way, especially when paired with nice lingerie, good music, and whatever else you'd want to include.
[deleted] 8y ago
Spontaneity goes a long way. We are a very silly/goofy couple so I try to surprise him with BJs or sex in a way that'll surprise him while also being silly. For example yesterday he came home from work exhausted and plopped facedown on the bed. I sat on his back and started giving him a massage. I told him "Hey can you roll on to your back for a second? I have to check something on your shirt, I think I saw a stain." And when he rolled to his back I started giving him some penile affection :) Needless to say he was very presently surprised.
We've been in some sexual ruts before, mainly because we were both just so damn tired all the time from working, going to college, and eating crappy food. The best thing that helped weirdly enough was the gym for him and eating more veggies for me. It increased our energy way more! That being said, I've always found him sexually attractive so I don't really know what to tell people if they just don't find their partner hott.
YakCat 8y ago
At times it is hard just because of schedules, travel, babies, and other stresses. You have to make the time.
However, if you set it aside for a specific day or place, it's a fun time leading up to it. We sext throughout the day or so leading in, buy or arrange new props, and just generally look forward to it like a vacation. As I'm typing this, I'm waiting to get massaged, mani/pedi, and waxed because we've planned to be in bed together all weekend. I bought new lingerie and he's looking forward to seeing me in it.
Things change, you body changes, but honestly your sex life will get more kinky and better the longer you are together if it's important to both of you!