I'm a 22 year-old college female who,until recently, had never given much thought to my sexual partner selection or partner count. Almost overnight I became self-aware of my sexual history and for the first time felt a heavy wave of shame for the way I've lived. At the same time I experienced a sudden desire to only have sex with men who are deeply committed to me. It feels as though it would be impossible for me to enjoy casual sex anymore. But now, when I think of my n-count, I feel disgusted. I'm 22 and I've slept with 14 men. Some were boyfriends, ONS, and a few FWB. With the exception of two of my boyfriends, I feel completely repulsed by the knowledge that these men have been inside me and known me in such an intimate way. I was also sexually abused by a member of my church when I was a child. Up until now, I've never felt ashamed of that either, but now I feel as though it diminished my value. I do not feel any guilt for what happened to me, but it makes me feel just as damaged as the casual encounters I had as a teenager.
I found RPW a few months ago. I was a feminist for many years, but it wasn't until I discovered this group that I met women who seemed to actually care about what makes women happy rather than procuring 'rights,' that may or may not have any value to us at all.
Moving forward, I'm concerned about how to cope with my choices and how attractive I will seem to a potential LTR partner. What's done is done, but I want to take all of the steps that I can to emerge from this chapter of my life as adjusted and well-equipped as possible.
needforhealing 7y ago
Believe me, 14 is not that high a number nowadays. You''ll be fine.
However, you might want to talk to a therapist regarding the abuse so you can find inner peace :)
[deleted] 7y ago
I'm not the type to throw 'go to therapy' at everyone, but you use very strong language like disgusted, repulsed... That and the fact that you were abused worries me that it might be hard to let these things behind you easily.
I think it's a good thing that you want to leave the casual sex behind you, but as a new convert make sure you don't become to extreme in how you think about these things. You're not 'damaged'. There's nothing morally wrong with casual sex and experimenting; it's just not a good strategy for (most) women to find longterm happiness.
How attractive you will seem to an LTR depends on a lot of things. But to make your n-count a bit easier to digest for a guy, you could try going into monk mode for a while, so that when you meet a great guy and the subject comes up, you can truthfully tell him that you've changed.
I don't have a lot of useful advice I'm afraid, I think that if you realize that what you're doing is not making you happy, you're already doing well, just make sure you keep loving yourself and be empathic to yourself. Everyone makes choices he later regrets, especially at such a young age.
plein_old 7y ago
Welcome to the world of imperfect people. Just make the best of what you have, consider extending compassion to other imperfect people, and... do the best you can. :)
It's not really "n counts" that some of us men care about, per se, but more how "damaged" a woman seems to be. Often there's a strong correlation, of course. But it really depends.
It may be possible to become "undamaged", I've heard, over time, through living a different lifestyle and embracing different values - like cultivating a joyful & respectful disposition, and similar things that are considered super un-PC these days, but which were valued in times past by cultures that appreciated women who were beautiful inside & out.
Good luck!
bittersweettruth_ 7y ago
Hi there! I posted a similar topic not too long ago. I think you may find value in some of the responses I got. :)
To sum it up: you didn't know better but now you do. Use your newfound knowledge to improve your future while also forgiving yourself for your past transgressions. It's easier said than done, but it can be done.
Bad_advice_for_free 7y ago
Being raped/assaulted isn't part of the N count idea. The core of the N count theory is that after a bad man gave you great sex you will not be satisfied with a good man who only gives you good sex.
TheSelfGoverned 7y ago
It's in the past. You will find a man who loves you, and he'll understand that as well.
Spazzy19 7y ago
While I personally haven't been with more than 4 guys (I am 32 now but was with my ex husband for 12 yrs so obviously I wasn't on the hunt) I don't find your number to be as strongly negative as you do. I also suspect it's higher than you'd like BECAUSE of your sexual abuse.
Some counseling might do you well, but the important thing is that you don't want to do that anymore. I don't particularly think there should be shame if you did, but since you want to change, then great! On the flip side, when you've found a guy worthy of sharing yourself with, he'll more than likely be excited about how experienced you are.
Be patient and love yourself. No need to be so harsh! ????
[deleted] 7y ago
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owlsayshoot 7y ago
A solid foundation can not be built upon a lie. I think there's no reason to broadcast such things, and there are ways to introduce such information so to take out the sting, but I would not recommend lying in such a way, especially to a potential captain-just sets a bad precedent.
HelloNeo 7y ago
You really shouldn't tell people to lie or omit the truth in relationships.
smirk_addict 7y ago
Maybe she's hoping someone will accept her, faults and all. Maybe she wants the type of relationship where she can be completely honest about anything and have that level of vulnerability with a man. If you hide your past from someone, then it's no different than the guys that smashed and dashed. He just stayed longer. But if you can give someone complete transparency and put it all on the line, at least you've given them something unique to the relationship. Besides cooking and doing laundry...
[deleted] 7y ago
the worst thing to do is to lie, mislead, or purposely avoid. i'm TRP to the core, thought i found an RPW unicorn, and then found out her college nickname is because she fucked so many guys and did so much coke that she lost count in the triple digits. she actively mislead me on this and made it seem like she had an n-count of 1. any guy who is not a moron will find out eventually, and when he does, it will utterly destroy the relationship. and when people start asking questions on why the relationship exploded, a girl with a slutty past who lied about it never wins.
[deleted] 7y ago
yeah, truth has a way of always rising to the top eventually.
SilhouetteinSunset 7y ago
I don't want to lie about my sexual history to someone I'm considering spending the rest of my life with. The truth always emerges and since relationships are built on trust, misleading him would jeopardize a future where he can depend on knowing that what I tell him is true.
coolasice007 7y ago
I'm 29 year old black womanizer and your count is attractive not a turn off...there's a saying in life go where you're treated well...find sex positive men
Gardrothard 7y ago
People downvoting this, meanwhile just a few weeks ago some guy posted about using TRP knowledge to fuck virgins/low count young girls and then leave them broken after that. He's going around living his revenge porn with girls who've done nothing wrong with him.
And this is just one in many examples. Why is that they are using TRP knowledge with dark triad outlook and when someone gives advice here to a girl to lie everyone downvotes?
I think you have a good point. The truth is that no decent guy would like that n count. What is she supposed to do? Tell the truth and basically reduce her value to negative?
Sure there are problems that can be predicted by high n count - difficulty in pair bonding, looking at men like objects, bigger chance of cheating, possible alpha widow and so on. Buth she's aware and feels guilty. And if she keeps her behaviour in check then why does it matter since it won't give accurate prediction of her behavior?
SilhouetteinSunset 7y ago
If I put considerable time between what I've done and when I meet the man I want to spend my life with, I don't think past mistakes will be as relevant as they feel now. Still, I'm hesitant to lie about my history to a potential partner for two reasons: It's likely that the truth will be found out later on in the relationship. I don't want him to feel like he can't trust me. Also, I would feel guilty for lying. Maybe I shouldn't feel guilty since I would only be lying to protect my interests, but I would.
I don't have any moral qualms about lying, I just doubt it will pay off long-term. Not thinking about long-term consequences is how I got here in the first place. :)
okiedokie321 7y ago
Got the thread to that? I'm going to cuss the idiot.
[deleted] 7y ago
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consios88 7y ago
But you actually slept with those men , you actually did something physically, tons of men tell women they use to be losers, what does that matter if they are not losers anymore its completely different. You cant never unfuck somebody , but a beta can learn to be more alpha. two completely different things.
HarleyWalker 7y ago
Why compare yourself to betas trying to become successful men? Those men are after only sex, not relationships too. If you want to go so far down that rabbit hole then men should just start rationalising their cheating and so on and we further degrade an already shitty society.
Gardrothard 7y ago
Good point.
Gardrothard 7y ago
If this subreddit was as "moral" as TRP we'd be having posts such as "How to keep him orbiting", "1000 cock stare and how to hide it", "Ways to make yourself look like a victim", "He found out the child isn't his, what now?", "How to effectively branch swing so that you can get him back if you want to" and so on.
okiedokie321 7y ago
/r/fpua
[deleted] 7y ago
So your answer to bad people is to become a bad person? That's wrong on every level. Moreover it is terrible advice.
Lying to obtain a relationship is like building a house on broken foundation. It may be ok for a while, but eventually it will break and the whole thing will crash. So, she'll have put in how many years to pursuing a relationship that is one or two sentences away from being destroyed? Or, she can spend that time building a solid life for herself and trying to find a man that will, with all cards on the table, build a life with her.
The last thing she wants is to be in her mid 30's, with her N count, and a divorcee with everyone knowing she's divorced because she lies, manipulates and has no respect for men. If she thinks things are hard now...
Gardrothard 7y ago
Part of TRP knowledge is that women are very manipulative and good liars in their nature. In fact, they are very often able to hamster things only sociopaths would be able to do.
It's in woman's nature to manipulate and pretend. Look at little girls - they usually play some kind of acting and role playing. Play is a way to prepare for real life. If girls have this instinctive need to play these games, maybe it's because these skills are useful in life.
Of course she can pull it off. Women do it all the time. It's in our nature to deceive. That's what's our whole sexual strategy is based on.
Is it right do deal with people being bad by being bad? No, of course not. But then again, if you join a table where 5/6 people are playing cards and cheating and you play fair you're not moral, you're just an idiot. And, newsflash, most women cheat and lie about everything - their N count, their looks, their past, their feelings.
It's like writing CV. Everyone is polishing theirs, and everyone's lying. If you write your own with pure truth it looks pathetic and nobody will bother to interview you.
[deleted] 7y ago
That ignores the cost-benefit analysis. Assuming all you say, if evolution taught women to lie, it should also have taught men to ferret out those lies.
You are also ignoring the approach OP wants to take.
Gardrothard 7y ago
Good point. But if she's so into saying it as it is why is she posting here?
She's either looking for a green light t lie, or, more likely, she's looking for someone to tell her that she will find someone who will love her and marry her even though her N count is a bit bigger.
Yse, she can find someone who won't mind it, there are such guys, but in most cases they are betas who won't have the balls to say they mind it too. Is that the type of guy she wants to end up with? I highly doubt it.