I'm a 22 year-old college female who,until recently, had never given much thought to my sexual partner selection or partner count. Almost overnight I became self-aware of my sexual history and for the first time felt a heavy wave of shame for the way I've lived. At the same time I experienced a sudden desire to only have sex with men who are deeply committed to me. It feels as though it would be impossible for me to enjoy casual sex anymore. But now, when I think of my n-count, I feel disgusted. I'm 22 and I've slept with 14 men. Some were boyfriends, ONS, and a few FWB. With the exception of two of my boyfriends, I feel completely repulsed by the knowledge that these men have been inside me and known me in such an intimate way. I was also sexually abused by a member of my church when I was a child. Up until now, I've never felt ashamed of that either, but now I feel as though it diminished my value. I do not feel any guilt for what happened to me, but it makes me feel just as damaged as the casual encounters I had as a teenager.

I found RPW a few months ago. I was a feminist for many years, but it wasn't until I discovered this group that I met women who seemed to actually care about what makes women happy rather than procuring 'rights,' that may or may not have any value to us at all.

Moving forward, I'm concerned about how to cope with my choices and how attractive I will seem to a potential LTR partner. What's done is done, but I want to take all of the steps that I can to emerge from this chapter of my life as adjusted and well-equipped as possible.