90DaysDiary
3y ago The Hub
Confessions of a Degenerate, part 1
I fell in love with the dating game, and I think I lost. I became addicted to the 'hunt', the whole process of setting up the logistics for a date and going for the lay. I'm writing this to share my experience, and because I'm curious whether others sometimes feel the same. I've checked the subreddit rules, and I think it doesn't break them. I know this post may come across as 'just a weird guy rambling on', and well, I guess that's exactly what this is.
About 2.5 years ago I started my first and still active NoFap streak, found theRedPill subreddit and read the Rational Male. I joined a gym because I was skinny and I started dating, almost exclusively through dating apps. And, just the way I see almost everything, I immediately saw it as a sport, something to become better at by doing it.
I started 'spinning plates', and through this period of time the amount of active plates always was somewhere between 1 and 6. But I was never satisfied with my 'soft harem' for long. Besides the plates I had a lot of one time sexdates and girls I saw like 2 or 3 times. In this period of time I racked up 57 notches. Girls ditched me, I ditched girls, I experienced 'abundance mentality', but I don't think I found real abundance. It was never enough for me, this insatiable hunger always driving me on to the next conquest. Despite the fact that I'm a very chaotic person in general, I'm obsessed with being in total control of this part of my life, and that makes me feel bad. I think this is 'the Devil's Laughter' in it's purest form.
I'm not sure whether or not it's still fun anymore, as it's becoming harder and harder to combine this growing addiction with my fulltime job. Yesterday the thought that I might need professional help to get out of this situation popped up for the first time. Today I confessed to a friend that I think I have a problem, I'm not sure if he understood what I meant, just like I'm not sure whether I did a good job describing what I mean in this post.
I've heard people here say that 'there is no Endgame', and I'm afraid they're correct. I'm just pretty sure I have to change myself because what I'm doing is very far from being a Rational Male.
Read More