The feeling you are getting in your tummy right now, wherever it's coming from, is a good indication that you should pause on this for a good long while before making any kind of further decision. Not just a week or two, but a few months. If you are not excited to be a wife and mother foremost, and you fear a loss of identity, anything anybody here can say to you will simply push the fears down for a while, not allay them.

Ultimately no one can make this decision for you. I'm not going to tell you what to do because I don't know and truly, there is no right answer because the future is always a big question mark. Either decision could be thwarted by events out of your control.

But here is my personal experience:

I worked when I met my husband. I worked while he was finishing his degree. I worked when he took downtime after a round of layoffs. This was all full time. I have licenses and certifications. I did a good deal of the cleaning and cooking. There has always been quite a bit of grace from him for my time and if I said "I can't" about any chores, it's not an issue. That said, he will order take out before he will cook and he's seemingly unaware that pots need to be washed.

At a certain point I took a job that was closer to part time than full. It bought me more time to relax and be a soft place to land as well as keeping up better on chores and house stuff. His income is about 2/3 of the total we bring in. This was the most relaxed period of time in our relationship. We had lots of sex, ate well every night and I got to go to the gym and yoga many days per week.

We had kids. Because my job has allowed me to work from home at a flexible schedule, I have held on to it. I have the income which is nice but no adult socializing or "going to work". This was a joint decision along with a natural result of covid. My responsibility to the family has increased tremendously though because not cooking isn't an option. Laundry increased way more than one can comprehend and children are tornados.

My husband is great and helps but the responsibility is mine. If I ask for help, he's there. If I don't he will do certain tasks when he senses I'm busy but not if he's busy too. Life is not relaxed right now. Sex is still good but less frequent. The gym does not happen and yoga is at home with little people using me as a jungle gym when I get around to it.

I have absolutely zero regrets about this path. (i think every mom has days where she wonders what she was thinking but that isn't the overriding feeling on my life choices). I was glad that I had kids to focus on while we were all locked down. I'm glad I have chores and responsibilities that make me get up in the morning. I don't mind that my focus has shifted inward to supporting the family so my husband can do things out in the world. The crazier the world is, the more I like having a life that is focused on people I love instead of spinning my wheels feeling like I should be doing ... something.

And I still have friends and outside interests. I still write for rpw when I have time. I plan a big mother daughter event with my mom every year. I keep up with world events and read for pleasure when there is time.

I think you have received good advice regarding talking to your guy about what life looks like in certain situations. If he's set on dumping everything on you and you don't respect his contributions then you risk growing resentful. My husband does things beyond work (for example getting involved in local politics) so I am proud to be his support.

Cleaning a bathroom will never be fun and fulfilling but having a clean bathroom so your kids know what it's like to grow up with standards is fulfilling.

And so I should probably go clean the bathroom.

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It takes years to understand the scale of the lies in society about what women really want and what truly makes us happy. From your post history you've only learnt about this a month ago? Changing yourself is not supposed to be a quick or an easy process. Don't rush it.

What makes RPW strategies work is that it is focussed on what makes women happy, truly happy, rather than what society tells them they should want. That is the key to everything here. You're coming at it backwards; your husband is pressuring you (however kindly he means it, it's still pressure) to be a certain way so to you - RPW is just another society pressure telling you how you should live.

But RPW wasn't designed to tell you how to live or force you down a certain path. It was designed to destroy that pressure and give you more freedom and more options to be happy. If your only reason is because "husband said so" or "RPW said so" you won't understand why, and you won't be happy just stressed and frustrated, and it's society lying to you all over again!

RPW for me was this amazing discovery, these amazing "aha" moments when things clicked into place. "That's why I felt that way!" "Of course, it all makes sense now." "No wonder that didn't work". It's definitely NOT supposed to be "tough discussions".

If you're not ready, you're not ready, and forcing it isn't going to make it happen. Test the waters. Ask your husband what would happen if you want to keep working after marriage.

My first husband asked me to quit my job when I became pregnant with our first child. He wanted me to stay home. However he made less than I did at the time, no benefits, and we were already not saving enough. I laughed. There was no way that was happening. I was a strong woman and I could do it all. (Wrong!) That marriage ended 5 years later.

I met and married my current husband with no expectation on either side that I would stop working. I was well established in my career. He was just out of training in medicine (which means he was in his early 30s, having graduated college, finished med school, internship, residency, and fellowship). He still had massive debts and wasn’t making a huge salary. We both had children from previous marriages, but that just meant there were 4 adults to share responsibility for all the kids.

Well my husband started out-earning me by a lot pretty quickly. We had been married about two years when it became really obvious that my time and energy would be better spent tending to our home and kids.

I sobbed. We went to therapy. It’s just not what I had pictured for my life.

Honestly I still have days that I feel like a useless leach. I’m still trying to find those things that give me daily purpose. Dealing with the home front doesn’t fill my days. Cooking and cleaning does not bring me joy.

I got dogs. That helped. I have recently gotten bird feeders and taken up orchid growing. That’s also helping. I’ve “adopted” some elderly folks that I visit with. Tending to people and animals and things helps me to feel like a more valid being. Like I’m making a difference and not just making the same bed every day.

If you have ANY hesitation or you find ANY reason to believe that he may abuse his position (use his power to manipulate you into sex, putting up with verbal abuse etc) slam the brakes. Even love cannot trump differing plans within marraige. Having the same life goals can bind even the least interested.

Finding a pre marital counselor can help ask the right questions, help you both clearly understand the picture each of you has of married life, and if those two pictures can be merged.

I will probably be blasted for this suggestion.... But if you can, set up an emergency fund account with just your name on it. Stash money in there until you get about a 3 month emergency fund. My grandma who was a SAHM had her own account that she would stash money into here and there. When they got older, she ended up telling my grandfather about it because she wanted to be a nurse after the kids left the house and she used the money! But it helped her feel safe through those younger years while they became established. She could dip into it if she needed to without having to ask my grandfather. This was the 60s/70s when men had a lot of power over their wives.