RPW is unique among relationship subreddits because we have a set of theories, ideas and strategies that underlie the advice we give.

 

Often, RPW is conflated with a trad-con view of the relationships. As we have said before and will say again: TradCon is RPW but RPW is not TradCon It is possible to marry young, as a virgin, be a SAHM and still be the dominant one in the relationship. The trad path does not automatically give women the insights into male nature, female nature and the interplay between the two that we try to teach on our sub.

 

And this is not an indictment of traditional women. Everyone brings their unique flavor of bias to the sub. This has become very clear lately in some of the comments sections. u/Livelylychee and I have put our brains together to give you some ideas to think about when giving RPW advice.

 

In no particular order:

 

Attempt to save the relationship first

 

We have a rule that "run" should never be the first bit of advice. I cannot tell you how many women have come here over the years because they want an opportunity to save their relationship. It's rare that nothing can be attempted and an OP should immediately bail. It's even rarer if the OP is married. It is however, very easy to tell someone to blow up her life from the comfort of your computer screen. These are real people, with real stakes. Further, mistakes in a current relationship can be carried into the next relationship if a woman doesn't figure out her own part in a problem.

 

Don't advise leaving unless you have had a thorough exchange with the OP. If you think the situation is abuse and she needs to leave immediately, you should be advising IRL intervention (therapy etc) as actual abuse is well over the paygrade of RPW.

 

Not all men are narcissistic abusers and not all women are reliable narrators

 

I would go so far as to say that most OPs are not reliable narrators. When a woman has a problem in her relationship that is important enough to get outside help, she probably has some high emotions. We ALL tend to see our side of the story and not the other person. When you add in the complicated emotions of a relationship, you are not necessarily getting the clearest picture. This isn't anyone's fault and it's not necessarily intentional. It does need to be taken into consideration when you are assessing a situation.

 

Use your RPW knowledge to help the OP understand what men might be thinking in her scenario. Don't automatically assume malice from a one sided snapshot of someone's life

 

Your personal preferences are not advice

 

We say this to men all the time but it applies to women too. Just because you would not tolerate something does not make it advice. The chances are good that you have made a lot of life decisions that are different from the OP. Don't assume that this is the one where you know best.

 

Advice should stem from RPW theory - if you haven't read For Women Only, Fascinating Womanhood, The Surrendered Wife or the Wiki, then you probably should stop giving advice and read some of the foundational theory

 

Validation is not advice

 

If your first impulse is to say "oh you poor dear, he's a bad bad man" -- stop. Take a breath and maybe take a step back from the post. Anyone on RPW should understand that men and women want to care for and coddle women. We can get validation for our POV by going to friends, family, the old lady in the supermarket. RPW is suppose to provide actionable advice, not tell a woman how she's sooooo right.

 

Help the OP understand what she might have contributed to a problem, rather than laying all the blame at her SO's feet. Most problems involve two people

 

Actionable advice for the OP

 

In addition to avoiding validation, avoid telling OPs what their SOs should be doing, without giving the OP actionable advice on how exactly to make that happen. He isn’t the one who is getting advice from us, and will not change simply because we’ve convinced OP how he should behave. It’s all fine and good that he should act a certain way, but as Dale Carnegie always emphasized, the only way to make someone do something is to make them want to do it. Unless you have actionable advice on how to make that possible, it probably isn’t productive to just tell OP that her husband is a big unfair meanie.

 

Give the OP advice that SHE can take action on. You are talking to her not to her SO through her. If you want to tell him what he should do then you need to tell her how to address it with him in an RPW way