My boyfriend and I are in a happy relationship and agree that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. He is 25, I am 24. I’ve told him I want to have a baby by 26. I would prefer it earlier because I really value being a young mom, but 26 is my cut-off. Whenever I bring this up, he says he feels rushed and it’s not fair for him to put a time limit. I think I am giving a reasonable amount of time. I don’t know what to do in this situation…it makes me wonder if I can trust him to give me that when Im 26 or if he will always just put it off. What should I do?
(to make matters worse, he has 2 kids with another woman. he already got the young parent experience and it just breaks my heart sometimes.) EDIT: For more details, the kid without being married thing was kind of a red flag for me at first too. They got together in high school, she told him he could cum in her, he did, they had a kid because she wanted to keep it. He didn’t particularly love this woman, but stayed together with her for 6 years for their kids. Never got married. They only reason they broke up was because she cheated on him. Imo, this shows commitment to and strong family values to me.

_its_all_fake_ 4y ago
Sounds like a keeper - good luck with the public assistance and social services. SMH
Heatseeker81514 4y ago
Are his kids twins? If not, I think that's another red flag because if he was unhappy with her why did he have another kid? Why didn't he take any responsibility for protection after the first time he got her pregnant? If he were happy with her and wanted to have another child, why didn't he marry her?
I also think since you don't have kids, you should seek a man who doesn't have kids. Like another commenter said, if the roles were reversed he would not be with you.
EDIT: I think you should think long and hard about how strict you are in that timeline of 26. Does it have to be 26 or are you willing to wait a couple of years? Also, has he mentioned a timeline on when he wants kids with you? You also have to consider that even if you were to break up with him and find a new partner that 26 for a kid may still not happen. My no means am I saying " you might as well stay with him". I'm just saying that 26 is in 2 years and you may want to be more flexible in your timeline. If you gave yourself till 27-28 to have kids, would this still be the guy for you?
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Sankdamoney 4y ago
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, let an older man make you his wife. From my personal point of view, get a 32+ year old to marry you.
KatieAdams2020 4y ago
Maybe he still needs time to heal? Bringing a child in this world is a big deal and maybe he’s not ready for another one
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fiveninecindy 4y ago
The right guy will be begging you to have his babies and absolutely thrilled by the idea. Don’t settle.
[deleted] 4y ago
Thanks ❤️
[deleted] 4y ago
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[deleted] 4y ago
Thank you ❤️
Theyogithatcould 4y ago
The last line was very telling. He may not even want more children and is anxious when given a timeline to make more happen. Are you sure he wants more?
[deleted] 4y ago
He’s told me he wants to have children with me. He’s talked about us building a life together but then whenever I talk about in terms of time he gets all freaked out.
Anonymous_fiend 4y ago
Look up future faking. It’s a common manipulation tactic to get women to stay in relationships without long term commitment (marriage).
ayllie_01 4y ago
That’s because he’s telling you a white lie. See everything as face value. Words in scenarios like this are useless. Is he making necessary steps to accommodate more children into his life and yours? Are your finances in order? Have you spoken about marriage plans? All of those things come before having a baby. None of the things you are mentioning are in fact important. But of course, you can become a young mum and just have a child with him now without the extra thought to it. Young mothers don’t always make great mothers, just like older mothers aren’t a bad thing.
NationalMouse 4y ago
Wish I could upvote this many times over. I can’t even begin to tell you how many women I know (myself included) who wasted years with men who told pretty lies when their actions didn’t match what they were saying. Don’t be one of those women. Pay attention to his actions and what he’s doing to make your dreams together a reality.
ant2k15 4y ago
Race to get pregnant before married. The story of the modern women. Are you financially equipped to handle children? A lot of times I’ve noticed women just want the experience but are not thinking of the reality. Its not a fun little thing to do. Its a big commitment.
Effective_Elk_4719 4y ago
Right? I couldn't imagine the pressure I'd be in in his position with two kids already and supporting her at the same time.
boofthegirl 4y ago
Yes wondering why she’s even thinking about babies when she doesn’t have a ring yet?
LittleDragonMaiden 4y ago
Your not putting a time limit on him but rather one for yourself, he’s either on board or not. If this is really important to you, I would recommend finding a different man unless you feel waiting could be worth it. When I was 16 and looking for a husband, most guys weren’t certain, I moved on to a guy (my husband) that wanted to do things in the same timeframe. Don’t waste your youth, use it wisely.
[deleted] 4y ago
Thank you. You’re right. I’ve tried to explain to him that is a limit for me and that I would love for us to do this together but if he’s not on board he needs to tell me so I can move on. He says he wants a child with me and wants to marry me, but I think he still has the ideology of wanting to spend his younger years doing “fun stuff”. I’ll have another conversation with him.
BellumFrancorum 4y ago
32M here. I, and most guys I know, didn’t have their heads on straight until their late 20s. When I was 25, I had a shit job and a drinking problem; this guy already has two kids and is looking down the barrel at a third.
I mean no offense or disrespect in saying this, but perhaps you should consider a compromise. They’re kind of the only way a solid relationship works. You want kids now, he seems to be hesitant. There is a middle ground here.
Let me ask you this: could you wait until 27-28 for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, or would you rather roll the dice on someone else so you can fill the oven before your 26th birthday?
What’s more valuable to you, the tangible human being in front of you, or the abstract idea of your future child?
I know at 24 two extra years sounds like a life sentence, but I can promise you that from the third decade of my own life, it’s really not at all. No right answers here, just questions you might ask yourself.
jackiejaxofalltrades 4y ago
If he said let’s wait until we are 30… would you leave him?
infinitydeluxe 4y ago
So is your goal to be a single mother? You didn’t mention getting married. Just a baby. Did you declare your goals before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend or you’re just now telling him?
He’s already dealing with the mistake of having a child younger than he should with the wrong woman. He doesn’t want to do it again.
[deleted] 4y ago
No. He actually was the one who brought up marriage first. He’s told me he wants to marry me. Sorry, realizing now I made this post in an emotional moment and didn’t add enough context. I value being married before having kids. My entire life I only saw examples of having kids before being married, and it not working out. I want marriage before I have kids.
infinitydeluxe 4y ago
What is his timeline for marriage? 6 months? Does he want to be married or he just wants to marry you? there is a clear difference and the latter isn’t always as good as it may sound. Men can say they want to marry you for years, let you be forever engaged and then let the relationship go if you let them. They’re not bad people, they just lose incentive if you don’t give them one and a child means nothing when it comes to that because he’s not the primary caregiver anyway
[deleted] 4y ago
Yeah, that’s the thing. Now, when I bring up marriage and like lovingly talking about proposals he says he feels rushed. Just sucks. I love this man so much and don’t know what to do.
infinitydeluxe 4y ago
Be prepared to skiddaddle ASAP. Love does not matter the most. Do NOT get pregnant at all
gd_reinvent 4y ago
How long have you been together? Forget the baby stuff for now. If you've been together at least two years, you should be having a serious talk about engagement and marriage before you even think about kids. If he won't even do that, or says it's 'just a ring and paper', then he's future faking. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum at that point, but I would move out and continue dating (dating each other, NOT other people), and tell him it's not an ultimatum, but that you want to get engaged, married and have kids with your life, and not wait for years for a maybe until you're maybe too old. And that you want to stay with him and keep seeing him for now, but give both of you time to think about what you really want, because right now, what you want is to be married with kids sooner rather than later.
Then walk away. Enjoy the time you do have with him and don't keep bringing it up. But if he doesn't change his mind, decide how important those things really are to you.
Also, having a baby at 27 or 28 might be slightly more realistic, and even 29 if you need to find someone else. You don't want to have kids with the wrong man and then split up.
beepincheech 4y ago
He doesn’t want more kids. Can’t blame him for having a traumatic intro to fatherhood. Also where does he stand on marriage? Cause you really shouldn’t be pressuring him into your timeline for kids when you aren’t even married. I think a cut off of 26 when you’re already 24 is too soon. He could propose today, and engagement would be about a year and then you wouldn’t even be married for a year before getting pregnant. Assuming you can get pregnant on schedule, cause that doesn’t always happen! Also doesn’t sound like he would propose any time soon since he said it’s not fair for you to give a time limit
oregon_deb 4y ago
When he tells you about his highschool girlfriend and the mother of his kids, remember you are ONLY hearing his side. How often does he see his kids? Do they spend the night with him? Is his family involved with his kids? Is he paying child support? Basically, what kind of father is he and do you want that kind of father involved in your kids lives.
Anonymous_fiend 4y ago
Well how long have you been dating? People usually get married before kids but it’s good to establish a timeline. It’s quite a red flag that he has 2 other children to someone he isn’t married to… While you may be pressuring and rushing him it could just be you guys aren’t very compatible. Can he afford another child right now? That may be a huge concern of his. Having 3 children by 27 to two different women is not something a lot of men want to do. Or can afford to do. His timeline for more kids may be different than yours. If that’s not ok you can’t force him into it but you can find someone who wants the same things as you. He’s not in as much of a rush bc he already has kids and can still have kids in his late 30s without issues. Maybe he will give you some at 26 maybe not. If you stay with him it’s because you can’t imagine being with anyone else and he’s the one you choose to be your husband. But you have to accept that may mean having kids at 28-32 instead of 26.
Jenneapolis 4y ago
This is also what I was thinking. Other factors aside, leaving him almost guarantees that OP will not have a kid by 26 if you have to start over with a new person and want to go the traditional route of dating for a while, then getting married first. I’m not saying that OP should stay for this reason But leaving and starting over certainly prolongs the timeline.
My advice to OP would be Not to be so rigid in the numbers but instead think about making sure Both want the same thing at all (kids) and within a reasonable timeline. We don’t have a lot of details but it may be possible he actually doesn’t want more kids, or at least can’t see himself doing it right now.
Anonymous_fiend 4y ago
Man plans and God laughs. Yeah sometimes you’ve go to let go of certain deadlines. Getting set on a number can make someone make a rash decision (like having kids before marriage).
LateralThinker13 4y ago
"Do you expect to live forever?"
"Do you want to be raising a toddler when you're 40, and seeing them graduate high school/college when you're 60?"
It sounds like he doesn't have much clue about time...
or about much else. No offense, but why are you with this guy, exactly?
RPW gives you the tools to secure commitment, if it's to be had. If he's resistant, maybe look at why. Maybe he doesn't want more kids? Why isn't he with them/their mother now? Your short post is lacking details, but it comes across as sketchy. I get the feeling he's not as HVM as you think he is.
[deleted] 4y ago
Sorry, I probably should have added more details! I do find him to be a pretty HVM. He has a good job, he takes care of me financially and emotionally. In terms of the other woman thing, this is something I go back and forth on: they broke up after 6 years because she cheated multiple times. He’s told me he wasn’t happy in the relationship (hence why they weren’t married after 6 years) but stayed together for the kids. This shows me he would stick through with me, I believe, especially because I would never cheat. He has a lot of love for the family unit and my family loves him. This is making it even harder for me, because if he did choose to leave me hanging until past 26 I wouldn’t even know what to do because I’ve never found a man with as much masculine energy as him. I guess I’ll try to have another conversation with him about the time frame thing and see what happens :/. Thanks for your reply!
GoGators00 4y ago
Why would he have kids with a woman Hes not married to tho? Red flag for me tbh
Lando_620 4y ago
Well, for one you should be married before having kids, especially with this guy. Given his age & history, if he hasn't proposed and set a date for a wedding, then chances are he is still carrying baggage from his ex who repeatedly cheated. You could be waiting a very long time for him to come around given he already has two kids...he won't feel any real personal need to have more in a timely manner. You're basically just going to be waiting around.
Golden rule is to listen to actions not words, he says he wants to spend life together but his actions listed don't reflect that. Statistically, your best bet is to probably bail and find another guy, one with less baggage.
infinitydeluxe 4y ago
Have you spoken with the child’s mother yet?
[deleted] 4y ago
Not really. She hates me lol. Not sure why, because I’ve been nothing but kind and loving to her kids, but…I guess that’s just how it is sometimes :/
infinitydeluxe 4y ago
What about his sisters? Literally any credible source that can inform you of his character. You didn’t mention marriage, why do you want a baby with him? What’s your life plan? Out of ten how much do you trust his trajectory to be what you want?
[deleted] 4y ago
He is a big family man. Which I love. His sisters are sweethearts and they love him. I love his sisters, too. He was the first one to even bring up marriage. I guess that gave me a false sense of the future. Now when I bring it up, it’s the same thing of he feels rushed by my timeline. :/
infinitydeluxe 4y ago
If your timelines don’t match you are incompatible
You’re not talking about owning a cat. You’re taking about raising a family. You will be caught with the baby if you decide to have one outside of a real committment which will make it harder for you. Obviously him having a child will not deter him from potentially having long term relationships in the future, as you can see
Ok_Obligation_6110 4y ago
Has he made any steps toward proposing? If you want a child by 26 then he should be planning to propose in the next year, in which case I would assume you’ve discussed it by now. If not, I think it’s fairly telling. I have a friend in a similar situation where her bf has a child with another woman who refused him any visitation or custody so now he’s extremely hesitant to have another child despite her wanting them. They’ve been together for over 5 years so if you’re serious about your timeline it may be best to move on.
[deleted] 4y ago
Thanks. We actually had a conversation tonight where he mentioned something like that. He said he’s hesitant to have another child because he doesn’t want to be a man with two “baby mamas”(ugh, not his words but idk how else to say it) and have to pay thousands in child support. I’m trying to figure out what my next step is now :/
cbunni666 4y ago
This is just a guess so take this as you will. Since he has experienced child bearing in the negative, hence being a father before he was ready let alone without his ok, he may view it subconsciously as something negative and doesn't want to do it again. Just because she said it was ok to cum inside don't mean she took a precaution to avoid pregnancy. This is something he learned the hard way. Not only that, she cheated on him after 6 years. Honestly, I think he's just not ready. It's not to be a knock against you but it's him that has the problem. Can you fix that? No, unfortunately. Only he can. Have you two decided on marriage?
jackiejaxofalltrades 4y ago
If he said let’s wait until you’re 29 to start trying to get pregnant would you leave him?
ouelletouellet 4y ago
He's rushed because maybe he realizes that he rushed into a loveless relationship and had kids young and didn't realize the tole it would take on his mental health especially at a young age that's alot ro deal with and now that he's with you it may not be because he doesn't want kids with you but he most likely wants to wait because he finally feels he's in a healthy relationship your very young and 26 is still young I honestly think you should keep communicating but don't pressure him and just appreciate the relationship trust me it's better ro have kids when your both ready and If he's not you'd pressure him by pushing this topic when he's already said how he feels
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