Good morning fellow Red Pill Women!
Sorry in advance for the long post! I would love some guidance and advice on how to proceed in my relationship. I (19f) have been dating my boyfriend (21m) for a little over a year. We're long distance (edit: we won't be long distance anymore starting in August), we visit each other every 3-4 months and communicate/spend time together daily. He's my first ever boyfriend, and I'm his second girlfriend. His first relationship lasted just 2-3 weeks so I'm his first serious relationship, meaning I'm the one he's been making all of his mistakes on.
For some background on him, he has a lot of red flags and many qualities that prevent him from being strong LTR/marriage material. He's definitely more of a modern dating standards kind of guy whilst I'm extremely traditional. Despite all of this, I'm choosing to stay because he is making a lot of positive changes in his life and has been growing so much as a person recently. I'm honestly very proud of him.
His biggest red flag is his porn addiction he's had since he was a kid. He's now over 100 days free of porn, and never intends to watch again. He's been a significantly better boyfriend to me ever since he stopped watching, and respects me a lot more now. Not to get into specific details, but he did some bad things online before we met as a result of his addiction. To keep it plain and simple, his porn addiction has hurt me in unimaginable ways. I'm only not giving up on him now because he's truly starting to get better. I don't know if I'll ever fully heal though.
Another red flag for me is that he has female friends who he hangs out with one on one (up until very recently when we set up new boundaries). I understand that not everyone feels the exact way as I do about opposite gender friendships, but I personally think that we are all better off without them as they cause too many problems. In my eyes, there is zero need for a guy to be "friends" with another girl if he's truly happy with his girlfriend. I personally believe that a guy will never be fully committed to his girlfriend if he still keeps other girls around in his life. I've always envisioned myself with a guy who is fully 100% committed to me, meaning he doesn't keep around female "friends" and other girls in his life other than family members. I want to be the the only one, I want to feel special.
One of my boyfriend's female friends is a girl he used to like in high school, which is a major red flag for me. As long as he remains friends with her, this prevents him from being strong LTR material in my eyes. Up until very recently, he hung out with her and maybe 1-2 other female friends one on one ever since we started dating, which makes me feel super uncomfortable. We very recently set a boundary of no one on one hangouts with the opposite gender, so now it would only be group hangouts when he sees them.
We'll call the female friend he used to like in high school "G". He told me sometime in the relationship that he liked G back in high school, but nothing ever happened with that and he doesn't like her anymore since he's with me. He told me that G is "like a sister to him" and said that they're close, which obviously makes me feel super uneasy. They hang out one on one once every few months or so, and she does have a boyfriend. I've never liked the idea of them being "friends", but I've just dealt with it since I don't want him to resent me if I ask him to cut her off.
Tonight, G texted my boyfriend asking him to hang out. He replied suggesting a group hangout rather than one on one, and told G it's because of the boundaries that him and I now have. I still don't like the idea of him putting effort into a friendship with a girl he once had romantic interest in (which to my knowledge at the time, he didn't act upon), but I agreed to it since it'll be a group hangout.
While talking to my boyfriend tonight, he confessed to me that 1-2 years before we met, he made flirty moves on G and straight up asked her if he could kiss her. She said no, but I can't believe my boyfriend hid that detail from me for so long. I thought I finally knew the truth about everything relating to his history/past experiences, especially with girls still involved in his life, but I guess not. I thought he liked her without her knowledge, but I guess she did know, which makes me feel super humiliated now. I feel so disgusted that he even thinks it's okay to continue this "friendship" with G when he's in a committed relationship with me, based on his history with her and just in general too.
I was supposed to meet G in a couple months, my boyfriend and I were planning on a double date with her and her boyfriend. After finding out that he straight up asked her to kiss and the fact that he still thinks it's acceptable to continue this "friendship" despite their history, I told her I no longer feel comfortable meeting her and have zero interest in doing so. I would feel sick to my stomach knowing he literally asked her to kiss in the past.
He then texted me the following: "if you really really want me to I can text her saying I don’t think we can hang out anymore and explain why and I know she’ll understand". I'm glad he's offering to put a stop to the hangouts, but I really wish he just gladly and willingly stopped hanging out with G on his own, rather than only doing it if I "really really want" him to. I feel like it was rude of him to say it in that way. I haven't had him do anything yet, as I'm worried he'll resent me for having him cut someone out of his life that he knew before me. I'm stuck on what to do, and need guidance from you awesome ladies.
As of right now, he's still planning on a group hangout with her soon. Based on everything above, do you think it's wrong that he's still proceeding with the hangout, or acceptable? I feel that if he's truly committed to me, he'd apologize for all the pain he caused as a result of continuing this "friendship", and promise to stop hanging out with G for good. If he really loves and respects me, he wouldn't go through with the hangout knowing the pain, stress, anxiety, and feelings of unease that it'll cause me.
I'm torn about what to do about this situation with G and about the relationship in general. He really screwed up royally many times throughout our relationship, but has generally been a lot better since the new year. He's my first love and I don't know if I could ever love anyone the same if we don't work out. He does have many good qualities too, he isn't only red flags. He actually thanked me very recently on helping him change his views (essentially redpilling him) on opposite gender friendships. He used to think it was totally okay to hang out alone with other girls he found attractive/had crushes on, as long as he doesn't cheat on me. I'm so glad I helped him snap out of these modern/feminist ideas.
He was very immature at the start of our relationship, but he's matured a bit recently and I hope he continues doing so. I really don't want to give up hope that he'll eventually become strong LTR/marriage material. I just don't know what to do right now. Thank you so much to anyone who read this far, I really appreciate it :)
EDIT: Thank you all very much for your helpful advice, I seriously appreciate it so much! One thing I forgot to mention is that my boyfriend and I won’t be long distance anymore starting in August, we’ll be going to school very close to each other from then on and will meet up on weekends.
JustALotOfLetters 3y ago
Male and female friendship is a myth. They cannot really be friends.
Blackhawk2479 3y ago
You’ve crafted a long list of red flags here, about a guy you only see 3-4 times a year, at the tender age of 19.
I don’t know why you would want to perpetuate this relationship when there is so much wrong, and seemingly so little right.
NationalMouse 3y ago
Oh my goodness, I must have missed the part where she said they were long distance. This changes my whole perspective now and you’re absolutely right.
Competitive-Gas3935 3y ago
You’re only 19 :) if you’re craving to get married and have kids ASAP I’d say this guy isn’t it and probably won’t be it for a few years. Good luck x
Competitive-Gas3935 3y ago
Also, remember it’s not your job to snap anyone out of anything. In other words, it’s not your job to change him.
Raspy410 3y ago
I’m sorry girl but this guy ain’t it, too many red flags. Dealing with someone with any kind of addiction recovered or not is extremely hard. If you’re looking for something traditional you need a traditional man, you WILL NOT change him.
Furry-snake 3y ago
Take it from someone older and (maybe only slightly) wiser
A relationship is like a house. To stand the tests of time you need to build it on a good, solid foundation.
This ain’t it, honey.
oliveshoot 3y ago
You are emotionally connected to someone who differs from you on big things. Those differences are hurting you. You want it to work, for him to share your life and your values. But it’s near impossible to change someone else. I don’t think he’s able to be who you want him to be.
anothergoodbook 3y ago
So you don’t get to have it both ways. You accept that this is who you have or you move on. If these things bother you NOW. Just wait until things get tough and those things aren’t minor annoyances anymore, they’re full blown issues.
itsbigoleme 3y ago
Simply at the end of the day it seems that you’re values don’t line up when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex. I would feel uncomfortable too. I mean it’s great that he stopped porn but holding his friendship with this girl that he used to have a crush on is what’s personally bothering me. It would be different if they only ever saw each other once in a blue moon during a group hangout by accident but hanging out one on one isn’t cool imo. At the end of the day you may have to be realistic and understand that your values don’t line up and you may have to break it off.
rosesonthefloor 3y ago
Girl, why are you with someone who you, of your own accord, describe as having “a lot of red flags and many qualities that prevent him from being strong LTR/marriage material”?
If you want marriage, you’re deliberately acting against yourself here. Can you see that?
One thing we all have to learn is that you cannot change someone. You just can’t. You can try shaming, cajoling, etc. but the only person who can change your boyfriend is him, not you.
It’s great that he’s made some improvements, but if you can’t see yourself marrying him as he is now, you can’t assume he’s going to get that much better than he currently is. What if nothing changed? Would you still be happy in this relationship?
Saying “I’d marry him if only he changed X, Y, and Z” is saying that you’re interested in a fictional boyfriend, not the current one in front of you, who hasn’t changed those things.
I don’t mean to be harsh but you have to ask yourself some serious questions here. I thought I would never love someone as much as I did my first boyfriend too. And then I met someone else. You’ll be okay.
Anonymous_fiend 3y ago
He’s keeping his options open. Men don’t call women who they’re attracted to a sister. If he liked her before he’s keeping her around because he still likes her. Doesn’t mean he will cheat but if you break up and she’s single/likes him back he’ll go for it. So she really isn’t JUST a friend. She’s just in the friend category right now because she won’t give him the time of day. He may be beta orbiting her. Which is fair because your relationship doesn’t really seem to have much of a future. Ldr are extremely difficult and usually only work when there’s high compatibility and an expected move on date. You have neither. I mean you guys see each other every 3-4 months…that’s not sustainable. Sure you like him but that’s not enough for a mature serious relationship. You guys don’t seem to be fundamentally compatible which down the line matters a lot. Your time and effort is best spent on someone who has the same goals, values, and timeline as you. So if you want a traditional relationship date a traditional man. Trying to redpill and change a modern man isn’t it. He’s either changing just for you to make you happy (and will resent it later on or revert back), pretending/telling you what you want to hear to not cause problems, or maybe he is really changing. But you run the risk of not respecting him for having to teach him and his previous mistakes. Basing your future on his potential is a very fast way to become disappointed. You’ve got to accept your man as he is and if you can’t move on.
Claymore-Roomba- 3y ago
Don't date someone for who you want to change them into. Just as a general rule of thumb. Recognizing potential is one thing, wanting to mold someone into something else is different. I'd respectfully call it quits and find someone with similar values to your own.
plopple 3y ago
Cut it all off girl. This man is not the one.
marcelmarceau1972 3y ago
Good morning. I agree with all the previous comments, and I feel you also know it's not a strong relationship but might have difficulty getting out of it. So, hopefully in a soft way, know:
- You are not 'bad' if you get out of a relationship. It's indeed good to finish a relationship that doesn't work for one side; for example, if someone has doubts about marrying it's really better to hold and/or end the relationship rather than continuing.
- I'm sure it will hurt, but you will be fine and he will be fine, and please know that you are NOT responsible for him. Indeed, he has been lucky with the love and care you have given him already. I don't think he is ready to let go of some of his ways and G or other friends, and every red flag (he has many) it's a big issue. I don't like to put numbers, but for the sake of the example: it's hard (and it might be even unfair) to ask someone for an 8 when they can only give a 3. Also, he truly might benefit more from a relationship with someone close to him that can closely walk with him during the ups and downs.
- Finally, it's hard to see, but you will get into much better relationships. I empathize that this might be hard for you to hear; I hated when my dad saw me totally into someone at 17 and he very matter-of-fact said it wasn't the time to be 'too serious'. I didn't like his words and tried harder to give my best. Eventually, life happened and we split and ... my dad was right and I had it MUCH MUCH MUCH better after.
Life is beautiful. You have done a good thing, but you need to be free to what life will bring you.
Protocol_Apollo 3y ago
I see the mistake. Long distance relationships don’t work. One or both of you will crack and be fucking someone else or many other someones.
It’s only natural and human.
Despite all our technological advancements like ultra HD FaceTime etc, it will never replace physical presence.
That’s why long distance doesn’t work.
So you see each other 3-4 times a year.
aussiedollface2 3y ago
You’re the third wheel here.